Late Night.

I can’t sleep. Isn’t that usually how it is? It’s past midnight, I’m recovering from a surgery, and I can’t fall asleep. I hate that.

I had to ask forgiveness tonight, for losing my identity in Christ. For letting life overwhelm. For not keeping my focus.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about friends especially. How they come and go and change and you hold on and hold on and hold on but it really isn’t the same and you still can’t bring yourself to let go. Then they get engaged and start planning weddings or have babies or just get busy, and you’re like, “Wait, what? Where did they go?” But neither of you really slow your pace to reconnect. It’s sad. Interesting. I like when that moment comes, that moment that forces your hand practically, and says, “Hey! You don’t have a choice! You need this person more than you know. Get off your high horse and deal with the hurt and the pain that’s ensued lately. You have HISTORY together.” You know?

It’s almost 1:00apm now. I’ve been listening to iTunes, to a playlist I made for a friend.
Hey, Soul Sister: I was glancing through one of my old journals (number 17 to be specific) and it mentioned the first time I met you. Funny how, even in the beginning, we knew a special-connection friend when we saw/met one. And sure enough: that’s what you are. I like that. It’s like, we formed that special-connection friendship and no matter how LONG that friendship has been established, I know you are there for me in heart and soul, even if not physically. Like the song, “Pray for You” by Roads to Rome. You make me think of that song.

I’ve seen lately that to have a good friend, one has to be a good friend. I don’t think I’ve been a good friend to some of my people lately, and for that I am sorry. How can I remedy this? I guess it starts with an “I’m sorry for…”

To Someone That Changed My Life.

Dear Tahmee,

You changed my life. Did you know that? Will you ever know that? If I return to your home in South Africa, will you remember me? Will you allow me to hug you?

You were two years old and you had AIDS. You didn't smile, didn't laugh, didn't play until I had been there a few days, consistently smiling at you. Then you... changed. Never the same, from what I saw. How did you change my life? More than anything, you are the one who opened my eyes to the transforming power of love. I now believe that, by golly, love can do anything. Love can change anything. There is more power in love than anything else.

I hope you are happy and healthy. I hope you are adopted one day. But more than anything, I hope that you come to the saving knowledge of Christ so that you can experience His transforming love, too.

Yes, those are my hopes for you.

Sometimes I am caught off guard by how our lives are so different. How you were chosen to be born in Africa, to an ill mother who did not want to take care of you, or who was unable to take care of you. How I was chosen to be born in Alaska. But by the grace of God, our lives still crossed paths.

Beautiful, precious Tahmee.
Love,
Moleesa.

To Someone I Wish Could Forgive Me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for those failures and shortcomings.
I'm sorry that I was not enough for you.

If I could take it back, I would. I would change everything. I would rethink priorities and make you do the same. Ask you to do the same. Together, we would maybe succeed.

Maybe.

I won't beg you to forgive me. That's incredibly silly. It would be like forcing your hand at something you might not want to do. These days, I try not to do that.

But I do hope that one day, you could forgive me. I hope those closest to you will, too.

Thanks.

To A Deceased Person I Wish I Could Talk To.

Dear Grandma,

I want to hear your stories. I want to know about your first date with Grandpa, how you fell in love with him, how he proposed.
I want to hear about how you worked as a nurse during World War 2 and all about living through the Great Depression.
I want to know what you thought when you found out Mom was expecting me, your first granddaughter.

I wish I could have back all those years that we spent at your house, bored out of our minds because it was a million degrees outside. Now, I would sit next to your feet, let you play with my hair, and listen. Just listen. Probably, actually, I would tape-record everything. I would ask you what your favorite memories are. What you regret the most. What your passions are.

I wish I knew, Grandma. I wish I knew.

Mom says you are in Heaven now. I look forward to seeing you again. Do you think we'll remember this life? Will you be able to answer my questions?

I love you, Grandma. THere's so much more I could say.
I'm sorry for not writing you back. But thank you for the letters and savings bonds. You always thought ahead. Thank you for sending school supplies, and picking out clothes for me, and loving me a LOT. I never doubt that you do. Did? I don't know. This whole death thing is... odd.

I think about you often. I am grateful for you. I love you.

Remember your 50th wedding anniversary? I didn't really think it was a big deal, back when I was in 4th grade, but I do now. And I love having that legacy in my family. We sat on the bed in the hotel room and looked at Molly. I had just gotten her for Christmas. Remember? That was nice.

And remember that time we sat in your living room, and looked through your photo albums? Chris and I did that last summer and I remembered some of the things you told me, like about the toilet paper you had to use in Europe that was waxy and FAILED at wiping appropriately.

And remember that time I counted all your Beanie Babies? You thought they were so cute. You would make Grandpa take you to McDonalds so you could get them in Kids' Meals.

Remember eating lunches together at your house? Chips, half a banana, sandwich. And getting our hair done. I would watch you paint on your eyebrows. Ha. I loved that. You hung my clay surfer head on your wall, the one I made in middle school art class. And our 5x7 school pictures.

Oh, Grandma. Come back. Please?

Love always,
Melissa

Last Week.

From 8-1-2010
Well, THAT was unexpected.

I have delayed writing this post for a long time. But the time has come.

I am not moving to South Asia.

Phew. Glad that’s out.

The last week has been so difficult. I faced things I had never before encountered: Anxiety attacks that left me hyperventilating, tingling, and writhing on my bed. Being out of touch with God’s voice to the extent that I didn’t even know where He existed at that moment. Extreme panic and fear that I was not following His plan for my life. Total, complete lack of peace.

My purposes behind moving overseas were based on others’ perceptions of what I should do, not on a calling from the Most High God. I was doing it for others, and myself not for Him. This is not my time.

When that realization hit, with the help of two professional counselors, it became as clear as air that I was not to remain in VA and continue on to South Asia. That realization brought so much relief from everything I had been experiencing. The anxiety attacks ended. The peace of mind returned.

So, what’s next?

I am returning to Alaska where I will get a job and pursue a life He has given me there.

I had this mindset that since God has a heart for the nations, everyone should be a missionary all the time… and I was right. But that act of being a missionary does NOT have to take place in Asia, Europe, or South America. I am still a missionary, even if I am not moving overseas. That calling on my life is not irrevocable. I am still God’s chosen one to bring His Good News to others. I am still precious in His sight.

I also had a mindset that God calls me to pour out everything I have, that if I do not sacrifice everything, regardless of how good it is for me, I will not be following Him… and I was wrong. The thing is, God loves me. He pursues me. He gives me blessings and He expects and desires for me to use them… especially if those blessings make me more like Him. Why would I neglect pouring into those blessings when I could instead foster them?

I had the mindset that though God is in control, I still need to do something about it… and I was wrong about that one also. God has shown me that worrying about anything is ridiculous, especially when I can do nothing to affect whatever it is. For example, I was worried about what to say or do at the Mapping Ceremony… until God reminded me that at that point in time, I could do nothing to impact what would happen except pray. So pray I did. In addition to having more peace, I became more aware of the times when I could act to affect change on that situation. My actions were thus more concise and effective.

I realized the last few days just how powerful God’s word is. Every need I have is met in His word:

Psalm 94:18-19 “When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ Your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul.”

Psalm 119:50 “My comfort in suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.”

Philippians 2:25 “But I think it is necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, fellow worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs.”

So, that’s it. Home. My heart is peaceful and happy.

-------------------------------------

From 8-3-2010
It was easy, deciding to go home. The choice to follow God is an easy decision. My answer is “yes.” I just have to wait for His question. I did not anticipate developing such relationships that I have in the last few days, with people who are called to serve overseas right now. I am proud of them, proud that they know His leading, proud that they can go. I am proud to call them friends.

Saying goodbye was difficult, especially to such joyous, kind, obedient people. Going home to a different culture will be hard. Living there for an extended period of time will be hard. However, already God is testing my dependence on Him.

I’m on the plane now, from Richmond to Atlanta. The flight was about 40 minutes late leaving… completely annihilating any layover I may have. Literally. My next flight will leave around roughly the same time that this flight touches down. But right now, I am on the plane, unable to do anything about it. I can’t tell the pilots to “Step on it!” I can’t get out and push the plane myself, pulling an epic Superman move. All I can do is sit, wait, and be here. Phew.

It’s partially a load off my mind… and partially really excruciatingly difficult to “let go and let God.” But, if nothing else, I’ve learned that God does actually control it all. He actually DOES have me, Melissa J. Krauss, in the palm of His hand. He actually IS holding this plane in the air. He actually DOES have a reason behind me going home. I can’t see it right now. I can’t really feel it right now – apart from that calm, abiding peace – but I will trust Him.

My parents and Chris are picking me up at the airport tonight. I put them through a LOT the last week and as things improved, I felt pretty guilty for being so self-centered. Yes, things were difficult for me, but I failed to see how it would impact them as well. I think they felt a little lost also, unsure how to help from so far away. But they did. I pray they can see that.

Last Few Days.

Thursday
What a blessing-filled night!!
-"I'm so mad I could DANCE!"
-beautiful necklace and bracelet that are already providing assurance. "Have Faith" then... "Just because you have faith doesn't mean it will be easy."
-journal that is waiting to be filled with my words, thoughts, and emotions during some period of the next two years.
-encouragement from women at my church who serve a pivotal role in my life as role-models and mentors.

I am so blessed.


Friday
Then King David said to the whole assembly, “My son Solomon is young and inexperienced. The task is great because this palatial structure is not for man but for the LORD God.” 2 Chronicles 29:1

This task that I am fixing to start… ooh, it is great!

I have been rather selfish lately, concerned with building my own kingdom, wanting my own life and plans to be brought to fruition rather than His. When He showed me this, I felt great remorse and shame.

Who am I that I should claim to be greater, to know more, to be more important than the Most High God? My view of myself was severely disjointed. Praise the LORD that He is faithful still.

His kingdom must be greater. My desire to serve Him must be all encompassing. He must fill every crevice, every nook, every cranny of my life. And if He doesn’t, I will be ineffective.

I am young an inexperienced… the structure I am building is not for man, but for the LORD God. I have His spirit within me that will guide, comfort, and strengthen me. I must trust in that.


Saturday
Three words: Buzz Lightyear Dancing.


Sunday
Tonight is the first night I’ve felt really, deeply sad about the next stage of life, about leaving things, people, memories… everything I know.

Everyone reminds me that “this will be great!” and “the Lord will do great things!” and I know they’re right. I know they are. And I know that His plan is higher and better than mine. He has things in the works that are completely incomprehensible to me right now.

But this afternoon I went to a soccer game and said bye to a friend, one I won’t see for two years. He’ll get married in that time and do who knows what. He’ll probably move somewhere else. Other friends will be juniors and seniors in college when I get back. And that’s hard.

It’s hard realizing that Alaska does not cease to exist when I leave. I am the center of no one’s world (but my own, and far too often is that true). My parents will continue to work; friends will start school next month; winter and snow will come.

And I will not be here. Ha, I feel so emo right now. Funny – odd – how emotions and my view of the world can change so swiftly, so drastically… here today, gone tomorrow.

Chris and I decided to find a verse that encompasses our relationship, one to which we can cling when things are tense from being long distance. No final decisions yet on which verse it will be.

T-25 hours until take off to Virginia.

Ten Days.

I head to Virginia in 10 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...

Top 10 Things I'm Looking Forward To Most About Moving Overseas: (in no particular order)

10. Drinking chai everyday and buying it for about 2 cents from street vendors.
9. Seeing elephants walk down the street in the middle of a bustling city.
8. Bright colors contrasted againts dirty buildings.
7. The simplicity of it all.
6. Never being cold. Ha.
5. Aamir Khan everywhere I look. But not really. But maybe.
4. Buying my own groceries and cooking my own food in my own apartment... with a roommate. Also, having a roommate again (Yay, Ginny!!)
3. Adventures!!!!!
2. Diving into the school system of another country, learning how it works and moves and breathesl; watching students discover life; helping teachers be more effective in their lesson planning and execution.
1. The confidence that I am being obedient.

Another Year Older.

Today is my birthday. I am now 22 years old. I feel that that is much older than 21, though for reasons I cannot really identify. Maybe because I'm a year past the drinking age. Maybe because now I'm also a college graduate. Maybe because now, I've had my own apartment and my own life... and I've had to move away from it all.

I miss Oklahoma. I miss feeling like I have a home - my place - to be.

I love birthdays. :) A lot.

Tonight we are having dinner at home, per my request. Chicken stuffed with spinach and cheese; macaroni and cheese; fruit salad; asparagus; dinner rolls; and then... le creme de le creme: ice cream cake.

Chris bought me a dinosaur egg and it is hatching in my room at Grandma's as I type. We'll have the same birthday, me and the T-Rex. "T-Rex" makes me think of tea, which makes me think of Chai, which I am drinking in a cafe right now. So I think that's what I'll name it: Chai. Or Chai Baby.

Last night I was thinking about the last year. Being 21.

I went to South Asia. I broke up. I served as a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding in New York. I co-founded the MNHC. I climbed mountains. I started dating. I was a Tro-W during welcome week. I moved into my own apartment with roommates and was so blessed all year by one of them. I became OBU's Harvest Court 2009 Best All Around female and I bought a beautiful dress. I spent Thanksgiving with my grandparents for the first time ever. I showshoed up a mountain. I applied for, was accepted as, and chose to serve with the J-man program. I met Katie, with whom I actually just got off the phone. Nice timing. I ran 5K. I learned to play tennis. I started a mini-hat business. I learned to bat. I student taught in 4th grade. I planned and carried out a great exploration activity about Africa for my students. I roadtripped with two awesome girls to North Carolina. I went to Bill Pope's house for dinner. My portfolio and assessment project were kept as examples of good work. I graduated Summe Cum Laude. I began a roadtrip with my parents and boyfriend across the country, meaning that this year, I traveled from one end of I-40 to the other end. I learned a lot. More than I ever thought possible.

Wow. It's been good. Maybe the best so far.

One Day.

This is it. There is one day until graduation. 1 Day. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...

Top 1 Memory at OBU: (in no particular order) (ha)

1.

This was too hard. There are so many. Sorry.

- Late night wiffle ball on the tennis courts.
- The GC dance party after The Spring Affair Show and the IHOP coup that occurred thereafter.
- Tagging cars with Helena.
- Tie-dye.
- That time I went to get a haircut, then got distracted, and ended up just driving around Oklahoma for about 2 hours, talking to my Father.
- Dinner at Bill Pope's.
- Harvest Court photo shoots.
- The awkward first meeting with my India family.
- When Dr. Akin called me out on my attitude.
- B-street with Kim.
- Having Emily as a roommate.
- And Katie.
- Pacing at the airport for two hours, then seeing him come through security.
- Summer visits from Helena and Crab Hat Girl.
- When Kim and I went to Wal Mart late one night and that boy jumped in her sun roof at the stop light while we were in the middle of singing "Party in the USA."
- Chair racing in the ARA at a late night breakfast, then falling backward. In front of everyone.
- Working for the Mafia.
- Finding the dead bird in the Kerr attic.
- Movie premiers.
- Photo shoots.
- Ruth.
- That night at Saturday in the Park (but was really Saturday at OBU) when I was really mad at God and He put me in my place. That was really nice.
- Senior year.

Two Days.

There is way less than one half week until graduation. 2 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...

Top 2 Things the Father Taught Me During my Time at OBU: (in no particular order)

2. Love. Being in South Africa, spending time with Tahmee, changed my life. Literally. This precious then-3-year-old girl became one of the brightest stars in my life. Through love - legitimate, full, godly love - this girl was transformed and I was there to witness it. No longer was she scared, robotic, and alone. She was a regular girl, playing on the swings, holding my hand, wanting me to tickle her.


If I love like I am supposed to - really, truly - the world will change. People will see that there is more, that cars and money and clothes are not the end all, be all in life.

1. Sacrifice. Ohhhh this was a hard one to learn. It took e on a rooftop, after reading John 12:1-8 over and over and over. I had reached the end of my rope and was broken, waiting on my knees for Him to come. So He did. It was great. But so hard. Learning that I need to be Mary - pouring out my perfume for the King, giving the most important thing to gain a closer relationship with Him...


Sacrifice means saying, "This thing I value is worth less than You and knowing You. It is hard, but must be done. Mary did not pour out her perfume then try and scoop it back into the container. She poured it out and let it be, His feet anointed.

This was a hard post to write. There are so many things He taught me. How could I possibly narrow it down? But these are the things that drastically changed my perception of the world. Other things have to - the importance of sacrifice, obedience, and being less ego-centric.

Three Days.

There is just one half week until graduation. 3 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...

Top 3 Professors Who Impacted My Life at OBU: (in no particular order)

3. Dr. Akin - Such creativity and passion for teaching. Inspiring. Honest, sometimes brutally so. But that's often needed in my life.
2. Dr. James - So caring and compassionate. Understanding. Full of grace.
1. Dr. Belshe - My advisor who saw me teach the most out of anyone. Encouraging, loves books. Happy. Has the BEST office of anyone EVER - just scores of bookshelves filled with books - chapter books, picture books, classroom book sets, poetry. Love it.

Thanks!

Four Days.

There is just one half week until graduation. 4 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...

Top 4 Places I Visited/Vacations I Took While in College: (in no particular order)

4. Washington, D.C. Random trip during spring break 2007. Seriously? So odd. Whatever. We stepped in gross fountain water. I was thrown into a trashcan. We creeped on the White House.



3. Trip to Seward with Crab Hat Girl! Of course, because of the trip, we have our Crab Hats. There was a great boat ride also. Also, creeping on Sarah Palin. And having photo shoots in Hatcher's Pass. And playing Twister on the Butte.



2. Thanksgiving Trip to Grandma and Grandpa's in Oregon. Mmm... happy. I'm their favorite. It's okay to be jealous.



1. Elvis Presley's birthplace. Best stop EVER on the Epic Spring Break 2010 Roadtrip. Thanks, Heather and Emily for being willing to pull of the highway in order to visit this historical place. It changed my life... Oh, and South of the Border. Thank goodness for Pedro. He lives on.



Honorable Mentions Go To:
- the Shawnee Emergency Room.
- Indian restaurants around the world.
- My 19th birthday trip to Whittier with Cody and Kristina.
- Memphis.
- Dinosaurs in Wichita.
- Beating Emily on the tennis courts.

Five Days.

There is just under one week until graduation. 5 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...

Top 5 Songs That Define College For Me: (in no particular order)

5. "Set the World on Fire" by Britt Nicole. It kind of encompasses junior year - the summer after Africa, before South Asia. There is such a burning desire in my to make Him known in the world.
4. "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. Kim and I experienced countless car rides jamming and dancing to this song. Like the time we went to WalMart. We were dancing at a red light, with her sun roof open, and all of a sudden, a boy JUMPED onto the top of her SUV. He leaned in through the sun roof, totally freaking us out. Oh, it was funny.
3. "Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City. Awesome concert (I read "Holes" while waiting for it to start). We danced in the huge crowd. A boy gave me his spot so that I could video this song. I like the imagery - how it describes a relationship between two people. "The spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly."
2. "Makeup" by Jesse McCartney. Oh, Han - you know you love it. Admit it.
1. "I Gotta Feeling" by Black Eyed Peas. The dance party, CAB, car rides, dancing with Em in the apartment. This song has helped relieve so much stress and given me so many reasons to just laugh and savor.

Seven Days.

There is just one week until graduation. 7 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...

Top 7 Movies Seen While at OBU: (in no particular order)

7. "The Last Song." I feel that our Spring Break 2010 road trip inspired this movie. Don't tell Nicholas Sparks.
6. "High School Musical." Kim and I rocked out to HSM 1, 2, and 3 more times than I can count. Who cares if we're in college? High school lives on.
5. "Twilight" and "New Moon." Midnight premiers both times. Epic. Yes, we squealed when Edward and Jacob came on screen.
4. "Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." Melinda, Dayla, and I saw this at the midnight premier for my birthday. We wore crowns and thanked people for coming to "our movie."
3. "The Back-Up Plan." I saw this one last night with Emily, Kim, Anne, and Lindsey! It was SO funny. And awkward. The birthing scene in the pool? Oh man... but he kept the penny!
2. "Ghajini" and "Lagaan." I almost left this one off! Oh, Bollywood... We watched "Ghajini" at the game reserve, on slow-motion. It took 5 hours. But I loved every minute of it! It was almost weird to watch it in regular time. Then "Lagaan" we watched at orientation. It was our first introduction to Aamir Khan. The boys all bought Buvan shirts.
1. "Dumb and Dumber." This only makes the list because of what it represents: spending time with friends, doing the random, ridiculous, off-the-wall things that don't make sense to anyone else, but to you it is completely epic. You know the things about which I'm talking: 80s Movie Nights, Playing Twister on the Butte, having dinner with the campus photographer, chalking campus, etc.

Eight Days.

There is just under week and a half until graduation. 8 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...

Top 8 Favorite Classes at OBU: (in no particular order)

8. Environmental Science: hanging out on the North 40 with Jon and Jenna, finding animals and poop and documenting the changes in our bird house.
7. Reading Methods 4-8: I started out really scared of teaching 8th graders English. But in the end, I had so much fun!
6. Social Studies Methods: L.A. was great - Chicano art, pinatas, drawing on walls... what a great assignment. I learned so much and had a great time.
5. Philosophy: I really did not understand anything... but I had a great time trying to convince the professor that the Army > Navy. We won't focus on the fact that my grade in that class made me work my butt off last January to fix my GPA.
4. Reading Methods PK-3: Dr. Gregory is SO sweet!! That alone made this class great. Plus, I got to learn phonics!
3. Speech: We gave two speeches all semester. My favorite part though? Wearing an Eskimo dress to be prop for my friend's speech in another class.
2. Art and Music for Elementary Students: We played instruments and did art projects. I got my personality T-shirt out of the deal.
1. Children's Literature: I read really fun books all semester. What could be better?

14 Days.

There are two weeks until graduation. 14 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...

Top 14 Lessons Learned At OBU (Outside of the Classroom):
(in no particular order)

14. Long boarding down a hallway = bad idea.
13. Long boarding when late to class = another bad idea; also = broken elbow.
12. Finding a BFFFL is the best thing you can do.
11. You can always find enough quarters for a sno cone.
10. The best moments are unplanned.
9. Friends become family, especially in foreign countries.
8. Only some people will appreciate wetting-the-bed stories.
7. It's a lot harder to be yourself when you lack an awareness of who you are as an individual, separate from your home and people.
6. To obey is greater than sacrifice. (Well, actually, I learned that first semester, freshman year in Old Testament with Dr. Hall. But it really came to life outside of the classroom.)
5. People will know your business. Just get over it.
4. Photo shoots can make any dull day awesome.
3. It is important to take time to just be with the Father. I really learned that this year. I gained an awareness than I need Him, more than to just fulfill my needs. I need Him for everything.
2. Some memories are indescribable with words and images. I think back on things, like the North 40, French class, and Butt Punching, and all I can do is sit and smile and re-feel those moments.
1. The Father still works. I may not see it or get it or believe it, but He does. He always is because He loves.

21 Days.

There are three weeks until graduation. 21 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...

Top 21 Memories of Life at OBU:
(in no particular order)

21. Mattress surfing down Raley steps.
20. Ultimate Mud Frisbee, followed by a bath in the fountain.
19. Chalking a professor's driveway.
18. Biscuits and gravy with Helena.
17. "Twilight" movie premier... and the pictures that accompanied it.
16. 80s movie night - four times.
15. Dance party in the GC following Spring Affair.
14. Emceeing Biggie. :) :) :)
13. CML Buddy Dates.
12. Ghost Hunting.
11. Benedict Street dates with my BFFFL.
10. Going to "the Nav."
9. Talking with Emily about everything, interspersed with dance parties.
8. North 40 during science with Jenna and Jon.
7. Social Studies Project.
6. When Cody and Heather came up to visit and that whole weekend.
5. Roadtrip - Spring Break 2010.
4. Thanksgiving at Grandma and Grandpa's.
3. Seeing the dinosaurs in Kansas.
2. TBHL.
1. 8th Grade English.

It's been a good run.

Ruth.

I have been very bitter and angry, not wanting to take off my mourning clothes and lay at His feet, as Ruth did in the presence of Boaz. I have not been wanting to prepare myself, not wanting to end my pity party, not wanting to seek His guidance, comfort, and peace.

I knew that when I was ready, He was too. I felt Him urging.

Delayed obedience is disobedience. Well, shoot.

Talk about a slap in the face. (This was a good thing; when He gives me it straight, it's always good. It may hurt, but that's why it's good. It's making me more like Him.)

Ruth was a woman - she was probably hesitant to go to Boaz, hesitant to lay at his feet, dressed in her best clothes, under the cover of night. There's always a fear of rejection. But when Boaz realized she was there, he offered ultimate redemption, proclaiming his love and devotion to her.

Man.

"Hanging on to every word You speak because it's all that I need. Hanging on to every word You say to light up my way. Even every little whisper, I'm hanging on as if it were my life. I'm hanging on."

A Letter.

Dear February,

I think you will be a month of change, especially with student teaching and the J-man conference. Will you please be nice to me? Sometimes I'm still pretty fragile. I know I can run with the punches...but sometimes I just want to sit in bed with a good book. Are you okay with that?

February, where did January go? All I have left to prove its visit are pictures, memories, and a journal. I mean, really? We were such good friends, then it left. Did we get in a fight? Did I offend it in some way? I want to reconcile this relationship but I feel that the time has passed and that's on longer possible.

Go figure.

Not that I don't like you, February. You're just...a little dreary. It looks like Break-Up in Alaska right now. Yuck. I'll put up with your dreariness, so long as Valentines Day is pleasant. Even if it it not, I'll put up with your dreariness because good will come.

Good will come, February, and you can't stop it. I will persevere.

Love,
Melissa

Back.

I am settled back in my apartment in Oklahoma. None of my roommates are here and the silence has been inviting and comforting. It's nice to be in my own space again, doing life my way rather than my parents way. I like the cleanliness of this apartment.

Though it is hard to follow Him, I still will. Though I may not like it, I know that His ways are greater than mine. Even still.

The man in front of me in security made an interesting comment. I wonder if that's how others perceive it.