Coffee
And Homework
And Cold Blue Skies.

Skinny Jeans and Blankets.

And 55 Days.

And Conviction and Heart Talks and Humor and Silly Fights.

And Love.
Lots of Love.

On My Mind.

Things on my mind lately:
- Allen's birthday (tomorrow!)
- Acteen's purity retreat (this weekend)
- Getting my braces off (date TBD)
- Extravagant grace
- Wedding invitations (in the mail as of today!)
- Changing friendships
- School (halfway through my 3rd semester. After this semester, I'll be halfway done with the program!)
- Suits (Allen's suit for the wedding cost $7.50 at a thrift store.... and it was brand new.)
- Titus 2
- Snowshoeing
- Living room forts

Parents.

Within the last three weeks, as I vacationed first with my mom and then with my dad, I was reminded of what a beautiful life I live. I am blessed with parents who love the Lord, love each other, love me. I am reminded that though I am getting married, I will always be their daughter. 

What a delight. 

Love And Marriage.

The last three weeks have been a whirlwind. A whirlwind, I tell you. Like a dream.

August 16: After a delicious pizza dinner at a restaurant we've been hankering to try, after making me hike a mountain in a dress, Allen proposed. I said yes. Jade was there to capture it on film, adding to the joyous moment and fun.

August 18: We picked a date - January 10 - and the planning began. Colors, "vibe," flowers, decorations, Save the Dates, bridesmaids and groomsmen...

August 25: Realize we won't have anywhere to live after getting married (except Mom and Dad's basement).

August 28: Tour an apartment. Bottom floor. No thanks.

August 29: Tour another apartment. Top floor. Two bedrooms. Within our price range. Perfect, we'll take it.

September 3: Pay deposit and sign lease for our first apartment.

And in between: Addressing and mailing Save the Dates. Pinning. Celebrating. Laughing. Anticipating. Planning.
__________________________

This man - my best friend - will be my husband in 4 months and 1 week.  My late night talks, early morning coffee, fill the car with gas, adventuring, loving, passionate and compassionate husband.

But I am also reminded of Isaiah 54:5 "For your Maker is your Husband, the Lord of hosts is His name. The Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer. The God of the whole earth, He is called."

Allen will be my husband. But only my "Til Death Do Us Part" husband. The Lord is my forever husband. Allen will not be able to meet all of my needs, fulfill all of my desires, whisper answers to the longings of my heart. But the Lord will. He will indeed.

I am so excited to see how the Lord uses us together. In our church. In our apartment building. In our jobs. In the world. In Africa. In a hut. Hugging those small children who have stolen both of our hearts and are holding them ransom. I am so excited to see how we - together - will point others back to Him.

We start our pre-marital counseling with Pastor Tom in October. While I'm nervous - why? - I'm excited to continue to learn more about Allen and more about myself. The books we've been reading together have been wonderful in growing our relationship; I know this will be too.
__________________________

In Titus 2, older women are commanded to teach the younger women how to love their husbands. I praise God for my mama, who teaches me how to love my husband through the way she loves my daddy.

I am excited and humbled for the opportunity to teach my girls how to do the same. 

Scariest Things.

The scariest thing about the idea of getting married one day? 

The knowledge that I will, at one point, disappoint the man I marry. 

Knowing that I will hurt him. 

Knowing that I don't have the strength to put his needs before mine everyday for the rest of my life. 

Knowing that he will do the same.

The best part? 

Knowing that the Lord will use us and strengthen us daily, if we allow Him.

I'm excited to see what the Lord has for this man and I in the next few months and (Lord willing, years).

Feeling Adventurous.

I'm ready for an adventure.

A get in the car and drive somewhere, stopping randomly along the way, taking goofy pictures, eating too much junk food, stumbling upon someplace beautiful and tucked away, adventure. Away from work. Away from the computer. Away from internet. Away from research studies and Blackboard.

Rend The Heavens.

This blog just touched my heart tonight.  Because lately, my words have not been full of Him either. My words at work. At home. At church, even.

But I want Him to consume me. Oh, that He would rend the heavens and come down! Oh, Lord, I want to tremble before You!

But life creeps in. Even good things - a bike ride with Allen; teaching my girls; working in the nursery - even these good things creep in and push the Lord out. Not waking up early enough to read His word before work. Not praying before eating my lunch at work.

Oh, that He would rend the heavens and come down.

There are attacks because He is at work. And that's okay, as long He will continue to lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. His faithfulness never ends.

Money And Moving.

This is my last week in my apartment. I've spend the last 5 days slowly packing things in my apartment, making trips to move things home to my parents' house, helping clean my bedroom there, and still living life.

I've been slightly obsessed with this website: www.moneyunder30.com and the advice they offer to "kids" in my situation - 20-somethings, with jobs, out of school, trying to figure out life financially. And though it isn't Christian-based, they talk a lot about living debt-free, how to calculate if you can afford a home, setting budgets, etc.

Money sees to be a taboo thing in the church. Not many people like to talk about tithing, budgeting, love offerings, debt... but so many young Christians graduate from college, not knowing what to do next.

Thanks be to God, I am in no way strapped financially right now. And I have some good financial goals:
- Pay off my car by the time I am 27
- Complete grad school without taking out student loans
- Begin saving for a downpayment on a house

When they couldn't renew my lease on my apartment, I wasn't sure what to do. But moving back home? Right now, I think that's good. I'm looking forward to spending more time with mom and dad before they leave the state, and helping them with things while I can. I'm excited to save money so that I can accomplish my goals.

And I'm excited to learn how to honor God in this area of my life!

Conference.

I was asked to speak at a Women on Mission Conference in April, about how missions goes on.

I am praying the Lord gives me direction on what to speak, that I will point the women to Him, not to myself, that He will increase and I will decrease. I am praying that He will be exalted higher and higher in my life and in the lives of the attendees.

I'm not nervous. I don't often get nervous before speaking in front of people. But I want to share what He commands.

What if that means spilling my J-Man story to everyone? Missions goes on, even if it doesn't look the way you anticipate.

Will you join me in praying?

First Fruits.

Some big financials decisions to be made:
- Where to live (back at home, saving $500 a month, at least until September. Then we'll see.)
- How many classes to take (Goal: complete Grad School without new student loans.)
- How much I can afford to put into my Roth IRA (try to meet the yearly maximum?)
- How quickly I can pay off my car (by the time I'm 27? That's just over 3 years.)
- Can I afford to buy a house? (Oh my lanta, who even knows?!)

Last night, I was reading through the various laws in Deuteronomy.  And I came to the part where Moses commands the Israelites to give their first fruits to the Lord. The first of their crops and animals.

The first.

Before they knew if there would be more coming.
Before they paid bills and took their goods to the market to sell.
Before they checked how much was in their savings account.
Their first fruits.

The reason? So that we may "rejoice in all the good things the Lord your God has given to you and your household" (Deuteronomy 26:11).

I love that. I was convicted.

I tithe regularly, but it had always been on the last Sunday of the month. That way, I knew how much I would make, what my "10%" would be, and that my bills all paid with no problem.  But what if I gave my tithe on the first Sunday of the month? Before those bills are taken out? Before my car payment, my credit card bill, my cell phone, my insurance, my, my, my.... How would that change my dependence on the Lord? How would I grow in my faith and trust? How would I see "all the good things the Lord [my] God has give to [me] and [my] household"?

That seems a little radical. Counter-culture. To give first rather than saving or spending first. But I'm excited.  Last night, I fell more in love with the Word of God than I have been in a while. And I was reading in Deuteronomy. No one expects that.  I am excited to take the Lord at His word. To give Him my first fruits.

G'Morning.

After staying up late studying, I slept through three alarms this morning.  I can't remember the last time I did that.

Highlights of Today at 6:57am:
- Red pants today
- I have a three-day weekend
- My Jeep is stuffed with food the girls collected for MYHouse
- Coffee is brewed
- The sun is already rising.

Oh, Lord. Let me dwell in You today. Let me shine for You. I choose You. I pour out my perfume, my desires, my feelings at Your feet. And I want to be filled with You.

Israelite.

And so, I shall trust the Lord.

I shall be like the Israelites, wandering in the desert, not knowing where their next home will be, but knowing that the Cloud and Fire would guide them.

I shall walk, one foot, then another, not knowing where I will take my shoes off at night, but thankful that I have shoes.

I shall trust. With every new day. With every assignment. With every box. With every meal. With every dollar. I will trust.

Sin.

Guilt is never enough to change behavior.

Conviction is, until you forget about the conviction.

Choosing in your heart is not even enough - your mind is still open to attack.

So what is it? What does it take to actually change behavior, turn from sin, and embrace the Lord?

"Those" People.

Deb and I took our girls out for coffee tonight, for our fifth Wednesday date - seven of them plus two of us equals three round tables at Starbucks in the grocery store.  I had hoped it would be a great time for us to just relax and talk.

There is a large population of homeless youth in the Valley. About 800 of them, who have no stable family, housing, or life in general. A lot of those kids hang out at the Wasilla grocery store.  The management lets them hang out, sleep, whatever.

There was a group of kids at the grocery store tonight, seated right by my girls and me. I'm not sure if they fit into the above category, and honestly, that's not an issue in my mind.

You know what is an issue?
- The looks of disdain my girls gave those kids at their use of bad language, their talk of smoking.
- The judgement I heard in their voices when they talked about it on the drive back to the church.
- The disgust at the "fake tan" girls who "wore too much makeup."

These girls, who probably accepted Christ at a young age, who grew up in Christian homes, who have been called to make disciples, bear fruit, and love freely... they are the ones withholding mercy when James plainly tells us, "Mercy triumphs over judgement!"

And, telling Allen about it later, I became angrier and angrier.

And then the conviction hit.  Just today, didn't I judge the person who parked too close to my car in the parking lot? "Learn how to park! How can I even get into my car?!" Just today, didn't I judge what someone wore in a picture on Facebook? "Really? She's wearing that shirt?"  Just today, didn't I judge coworkers for the way they pronounced words? "Why does she say it like that? Can't she tell that isn't the normal pronunciation?"

I hate it.  I hate this.

How can we love people when we are too busy looking down our noses at them?
How can we show them Christ when we're hiding Him behind our own self-appointed "holiness"?
How can we make disciples when we don't even want to talk to the people who need Him most?

<Oh, Lord, that You would come and change me! That You would soften my heart. That You would convict me more. That You would guide my steps to interact with those who need You. Lord, I need You! Change lives... but I need You to change me too. Come, Lord Jesus.>

Weekend Review.

I feel so challenged and refreshed and revived after the youth retreat this weekend. And to think I almost didn't go.

Bringing glory to God's name is not something we should just talk about - we should live in a way as to actually do that. In relationships. At work. At home. At church. In all things. Suffering for doing Good is GOOD. To Him be the glory.

Prayer cannot be about me. I must rightly relate to God.
- creation to Creator
- unholy to Holy
- daughter to Father
- slave to Redeemer
- guilty to Forgiver

Failing to relate rightly to Him leads to wrong prayer. "Lord, if I bring You more honor by being in this fire, then leave me here until You are done with Your plan. If you are rightly glorified by my suffering, allow me to suffer more. Lord, do not put me where You can use me. Put me where You will be lifted up by me."

Praying and Worshiping for hours with youth - so so good. Talking with them about their desires to serve Him awakened and renewed those desires in me.

The importance of living in community and the difficulty of doing that.

Isn't He good? Isn't He powerful and right and lovely and deserving of all worship and attention and preferences? Prefer Him.

Africa And India.

I had another friend over for dinner tonight. Shannon, from the youth group. I made us rice, veggies, and chicken. Yummy.

We talked a lot about life - what she's facing as a senior in high school, what I'm facing as a young adult. Then (somehow) we started talking about India and Africa.

I loved those places. For different reasons.

Africa was about learning to love, learning to serve, learning to give.
India was about learning to trust, learning to depend on God, learning to be a friend.

Africa was cold.
India was very hot and humid.

Africa opened a door to my soul that I didn't even know was closed. A door I had been afraid to open, afraid of what may be behind it. But one look into Tahmee's eyes, one game of soccer with Sofanee, one late-night talk with Brianna, and there was no way I could close that door again.  That door to love.

India was about walking through that door. One foot in front of another, until I prayed at that hotel late at night, until we talked in the candlelight at the hostel, until I laid it all out on the rooftop. I learned to walk... and keep walking.

I don't know what's next. But as long as I keep that door open, and as long as I keep walking through it with the Lord, I know it will be Good.

Praying For Family.

This is one of the first nights in weeks that I have gone straight home from work, without doing any errands, and have no plans whatsoever for the next four hours.  It feels really great, actually.

My apartment is clean, so I don't need to do that. I only have two things in my sink, so dishes will be a breeze tonight. I already have dinner cooked.

I could do anything tonight! Haha - so this is where the challenge comes in: what do I do?

Our church has been doing 7-days of prayer. Every night, people can gather at the church and pray. For whatever. For however long they want. Alone or not.

Mom and I prayed together last night, after Ms. Gayle prayed with us. I prayed mostly for my family - my brothers, their wives, my parents... and it shocked me how rarely I actually do that. How rarely I pray for their marriages and relationships and jobs and lives. How can I be a good sister to them if I am not even lifting them up before the Lord?

Dad.

Me and my Momma.

Paige and Brad.

Jeffy and Dana.

See.

The Lord doesn't always see the things we see. Rather, He isn't blinded by what we see.

We see bad news from the doctor - bad X-Rays or bad CT scans. He sees the healing He'll do to surprise you at your next visit.

We see bills coming and jobs NOT coming. He sees that anonymous gift that comes at the last minute that saves you financially, or that job that's just around the corner, as long as you don't give up.

We see the hurt friendships, the lacking trust, the pain from neglect. He sees Redemption and Forgiveness at work.

I pray that this year, I am not blinded by what I see, but that I am open to see what the Lord sees. I pray that this year, we all look with His eyes - at other people, and events, and circumstances. That we would have His eyes.

Confession.

Sometimes I read things that other people wrote, and I'm like, "What does that even MEAN?!"

But then I can't (or don't) ask  because I don't want to be the awkward one who doesn't know.

So there you go.

2012 And 2013.

Oh yeah, 2012 ended. It kind of just...slipped out for me. Mostly because I was at my parent's home, totally sick (as in, sinuses draining, sore throat, cough, etc.) and because my boyfriend was flying across the country to be with his mom, who is even more totally sick (as in, infection to the bone, open heart surgery, 6-bypass, breathing machine, etc.).

But okay, a year in review. The others are doing it:
- I fell in love again.
- I flew to Alabama.
- I broke my leg in three places and had surgery to fix it.
- I moved into my own apartment.
- I got a new job and a raise at work.
- I bought a new car.
- I was accepted to my first and only choice of grad school: Johns Hopkins University.
- I started leading the middle and high school girls at church.
- I laboriously crocheted two stockings.
- Mom and I went to a work conference together.
- Dad bought my a new gun.
- Brad and Jeff both made it back safely from their deployments.
- I won third place (for a sweater) and second place (for a pair of gloves) at the Alaska State Fair (and deposited the prize $8 into my Roth IRA).

Phew. Not bad.

2013:
- Start Grad School
- Get back in shape (along with millions of other people)
- Not compare myself to others
- Read through the Bible
- Be the kind of person I want to be friends with.