My Wonders On Heaven.

I really have no idea what this post will be about. I just decided to write one. And usually I start with an idea of something that's going on in my life, but not this time.

Eleven days until I am on a plane bound for OBU.

And thirteen days until I'm moving into my new dorm room.

It's so crazy how everyone just kind of goes their own ways, come college time. Like, I'm going to Oklahoma, Jade's going to Montana, Kristina and Chris are staying here, Hannah's going back to Australia, Cody is on his way to Texas, Ashley is gonna be in Arkansas, and Lucas, Liza, Azzy, Joe, and Chrissy are headed up to Fairbanks. We're all spead out. But I know that for those of us who know Jesus Christ - and I'm not talking religion, I'm talking a RELATIONSHIP - we'll see eachother again some day. And holy cow. I'm so stoked for heaven. Imagine just getting to see Peter walking down the golden street. Do you think it will be like Hollywood, where people are rushing them for autographs? Or will we all just automatically become really good friends with everyone there? Imagine worshiping God with people from Nicaragua, and from underground churches in China. What kind of clothes do people wear in Heaven? Do they wear clothes at all? What about food? Do we play games? Like Sardines, or Clue, or the game we played at Ms. Janelle's that one time? Will I automatically be awesome on the guitar?

It's interesting to think about, really.

My Thoughts About God Tonight.

I drove down my road with my lights off tonight, at 11:30 pm. I drove by the light of the setting sun. And it was nice. Almost like time stood still and I didn't have to worry about saying good-bye to people. It's like I was covert, and it was just the clouds above, the pavement below, and the mountains in front showing my way. And though it only lasted about a minute, it was really peaceful.

But then it was back to the non-peaceful stuff.

Such as, I'm totally sitting here crying right now, dreading saying good-bye to Ms. Mindy. That will be my hardest good-bye. Besides, like, Hannah. But Ms. Mindy...I cried a majority of the way home from her house tonight, too. She's my "mentor" but I don't think she really knows that. She's such a godly lady for me to look up to. And I admire her a lot. More than I can explain, more than she can comprehend.

And I'm talking to Ashley now, which is good.

I think - I know - I just need prayer. Someone to just get on their knees and lift me up. And I may never know if someone is doing that, but I need it right now. Right now, at 11:47 pm, Alaska time, on August 4, 2006. And that's what I'm asking God for, is to put me on the heart of someone who will pray for me, because I don't know how to pray for myself right now.

And already, I have more peace. Because whether or not someone is praying for me right now, here on earth, the Bible says that Jesus is interceding on my behalf to God.

God's the lead character. And the author. I've never thought about my life like that, as a giant movie staring and written by God. You know, I'm spending all this time "Oh, I'm going to miss so and so" and I will, but I'm forgetting that my life is not about me being with people I love. My life isn't about me never saying goodbye to people. When I became a Christian, whether it was when I was five, or a few years ago when I rededicated myself at MYPD, I died. And Christ came to live in me. So, who am I living for now? A majority of the time, myself. And that's just dumb. Like Ashley said, it's a trust thing, a faith thing. And I need to look at where my trust and faith lie: In myself, or in God. And that's a question only I can answer.

But I'm afraid I might not like the answer.


Thank goodness sin is the easiest cured problem ever. Jesus has the solution, the remedy to it, and thank goodness I know Him. I would be so lost and confused (even more than I am now) if He wasn't in my life. So I thank and praise God for that - for Who He Is, and what He does. And for everything that so often goes unnoticed, like how big the space bar is on a keyboard so that you rarely miss it.

Then pride gets in the way, and I fight and fight giving in to God until I am just exhausted mentally and physically and emotionally and spiritually, and I realize that God is still there, and while He wanted me to come to Him sooner, He's just glad I'm there now. And then you see that nothing - nothing - is better than Him.
And so you dwell on that for a while, till another problem comes, and more pride. But still, God just loves. Unconditionally. With no end anywhere near by at all. He's just LOVE, a love that never runs out. And He just waits for us to get the message that He still cares - beyond our mistakes and screw ups, and bad days. He still loves me. And I can't really comprehend that, but it's pretty awesome. We're such aldutresses, like Pastor Tom said on Wednesday. But God just says, "Hey, I know you messed up, but just try again. One more time. It'll be okay, because I've got your back." And it's amazing.

Tired At Work. What Else Is New?

I'm so utterly exhausted. And I'm ready to blow this popsicle joint. The popsicle joint being work, of course.

I just want to go home. But I can't. Because at 5:00, I am meeting Tom, Kristi, Stephen, and maybe Lucas for dinner at Pizza Gut. And who knows how long we'll be there. THEN I can come home. But I'll probably just do random stuff until I start my Bible Study at about 11:00 or som, then I'll finally get to sleep.

Thank goodness tomorrow is my last day of work. Though it was sad saying bye to my work buddy, Azzy. Meh. Life goes on.

I get to teach Sunday School on Sunday for the probably last time in a while. The lesson is about our gifts. And I am so excited. I'm showing a clip of "Lord of the Beans", and we're going to use our "gifts" in a rock band. And hopefully they'll learn something, and hopefully they'll have fun.

My parents are weird. No, not weird. But it's like, I'm not allowed to do anything in the evenings with my friends anymore. Which is kind of odd, because we don't do anything at home except sit there. I'll hang out in my room and Mom and Dad watch TV. If they planned something for us to do - dinner, or a movie, or something, I would totally be there. But I've had 18 years of sitting at home with them. And I mean, I never go out with my friends. Over 2/3 of my Friday and Saturday nights during the school year were spent at home. I remember before Brad left for West Point, he just wanted to hang out with his friends. And at the time, I was kind of ticked off about that, because I wanted to spend time with him too. But now, I see his point of view, too. I mean, my family will always be here and support me, but my friends...who knows what will happen. So I think that while I have them here, I want to be with them. Not that I don't want to be with my family, but you know.

And Ms. Mindy.....I'm going to miss her, but it kind of seems like she's cutting me out now. Like, "If I don't spend much time talking to you, Melissa, it won't be so bad once you leave." And that feels like crap, as Tyler would so aptly put it.

So I don't know. But I'm ready for a nap. A long one. In my bed. With my quilt over me. Right now, I keep blinking and forgetting to open my eyes. Oops.

Aargh, better get back to putting folders away.

Quitting My Job.

I told Terrie that I quit today. Our conversation was as follows:

Me: Terrie, I can't take this anymore.
Terrie: Can't take what, Melissa?
Me: I can't take the hypocrisy of all the people here, the racism that is so abundant all around, the insincerity of their words.
Terrie: What are you talking about?
Me: Terrie, I'm sorry, but Friday is my last day.
Terrie: NO!!! Melissa, you are the glue that holds this school district togeher. You are the World's Best Student Worker, as the lable on your Nalgene so clearly states! Azzy is good, but you, Melissa...you are amazing!
Me: Don't make this harder than it already is.
Terrie: But what will I do without you?
Me: I don't know. But good luck with that.
[as I walk away looking cool with sunglasses on my head...]
Terrie: Melissa! Melissa? Melissa, wait! Don't go yet! I'll give you a raise! I'll bring apple juice for you everyday! Melissa!!!!

Okay, really, that's not at all how it went down. But you were convinced, weren't you? I thought it was pretty good (fake) dialogue. But really, Friday is my last day. Yay! I leave a week and a half after that, so I figure I should start packing soon. And it'll be nice to just relax and stuff. Hang out with friends. All that.

So yeah.

Only two more days, and I'm jobless for the first time in over a year. Crazy.

Equals.

It's interesting. Life, I mean. And how I react to certain people and situations and events.

Tyler's birthday party tonight = fun. I love that kid. He's hilarious.

Work = boring.

College = exciting.

Pictures with friends = awesome.

Sermons And Youth Groups.

I'm now really excited for college. Whitney and I are planning stuff out, and it's just exciting. And yeah, I know my last entry was about how scared I am and stuff, but church on Sunday changed that. All of it.

Pastor Tom's sermon was in the beginning of Matthew 12, and I don't remember the title or anything. But something he said really spoke to me. Like, lately, I've been wondering if I'm really supposed to go to OBU, and I've been kind of nervous about that, and I know that that's Satan. Because Pastor Tom said, "God won't lead you somewhere where He doesn't want you to go." And I had totally never realized that. So I thought about that for a while during the sermon. About how God doesn't lead you half-way, then say, "Oh, okay, Melissa, you've got it from here. I'll see ya later." So what does this have to do with college? It's a total God thing that I even found OBU. Mom and I just happened to stop at a Christian bookstore in Eagle River, and I just happened to pick up a magazine and just happened to turn to an advertisement for Oklahoma Baptist University. And then I just happened to remember the website. And the school just happened to be EVERYTHING I wanted. Then I just happened to get accepted, even though they had never heard of me before. And I just happened to get scholarships from them and just happened to have a serene experience on campus. They "just happened"? Yeah right. That's a God thing. So during Pastor Tom's invitation, we started singing, and I went up to the altar to pray, which I don't really like doing, but I did. And I just prayed for an excitement. Because yeah, one door is closing forever. And I'll never have the same friendships I do now, and all that. But, anything can happen this next year. I could fall in love. I could have someone fall in love with me. I could make an awesome friend, who I'll know for the rest of my life. I could realize that I'm awesome at tennis. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. And I think that's why I'm so incredibly stoked now.

Last night was fun, too, with Kristina. We went to First Baptist Palmer's youth group. Chris invited me, and whether or not he really wanted me to come, I did. So that's that. They had a cool message about how you can only see pieces of your life, but God sees all of it. So even when you don't know why something is happening, God does. And it's all going to be okay, because His plan is perfect. Then, since it was Cody's last youth group, he chose a game to play, and we played Shuffle Your Buns. And it was really fun, actually. Then we talked to Cody and Chris for awhile, and Kristina and I met Jade at V-Ho and had milkshakes. So it was an overall good evening.

AND, I had an overall awesome week, what with hanging out at baseball games, cheering for number seven, to my multiple V-Ho trips, to sleeping in a tent in Hannah's backyard, to playing guitar in front of my friends. And whether or not they were impressed, I don't know, or really care, because I was just playing for Jesus. And I like playing my instrunment. Oh snap.

Excited + Sad + Scared = Me.

I'm excited. For college. For my future. For the baseball game tonight. For going to a concert in Oklahoma City. For life.

I'm sad. To say goodbye to Hannah yet AGAIN. To pick up and move everything. To start over with making friends.

I'm scared. Of everything I'm excited and sad about.

I'm going to miss Hannah a lot. I mean, she's practically a sister to me. And yeah, I'll totally miss Kristina and Jade, but me and Han...it seems like we've always just BEEN. And I hope that we'll always BE. I spent the night at her house last night, and I realized that it was possibly the last time she and I could had a sleepover. I mean, within the next 5 years, we could both be married, have children, have careers, and live in completely different areas. I mean, I know that the last bit isn't a huge change, but... It seems like everything is changing. And I know that as soon as I start packing my bags for Oklahoma, the change is inevitable. It's like a storm. It starts innocently enough, just some rain, then all of a sudden it changes, and the thunder and lightening start, and the power goes out, and the rain is pounding down super super hard. And all you can do is pray that your house won't flood. And yeah, that might sound dramatic, but I'm being serious. It seems like I'm caught in this huge flood of change. I know I'll change. And myfamily will change. And my church: people are going to join the congregation while I'm gone, and they'll be all, "Melissa who?" But my friends, too. There is going to be a big difference between the people who stay here in Alaska and those who go out of state (and country). And, I don't know, but maybe I'm just really doubting God. Like, I can't handle all the change by myself, so I guess I'm wondering if He can handle it. I know that He never changes, that He is constantly the God He says He is. And it's comforting to know that He is always here, even when I can't feel Him. Maybe my faith is wavering. That's no surprise, though. It seems like...I don't know, like my faith isn't REAL. I mean, it's real, but you hear about people whose lives have been drastically affected and changed through faith. I don't know.

At Hannah's this morning, we watched the Gilmore Girls episode where Rory moves into college. And in exactly three weeks, that will be ME. It's so...weird feeling.

You have brought me out of the pit. So I sing Glory, Hallelujah. I lift Your Name on high. I'll sing Holy, cuz You're worthy. I'll praise You with the dance.