I Love.

Taking a leaf from Hannah's book...

A List of Things I Love:
- Really good books that capture me, sweeping me into literary oblivion.
- People who take time to listen and talk to me.
- My girls, past and present. I love when my 2nd South girls stop by my room, or call me out on campus.
- My room, once again, the place I can go to just BE.
- Spending the night in Yurts with the Sisters and the conversations we have.
- Hippie bracelets.
- Bracelets in general.
- Watching people. At Spotlight tonight, Rachel and I were just sitting on the curb while she ate a hot dog, and I was watching people, and she commented. And I really do like to watch people. Seeing their mannerisms and how they interact with others... it's fascinating to me.
- MAIL!!!!! Especially when it's cookies... they are my favorite.
- My classes this semester.
- The Kerr RAs.
- Cold, sweater weather.
- Really fun, cute dresses.
- Working out.
- Setting and achieving goals.
- Crossing things off of To-Do Lists.

It's funny how most of the things that make me happy are completely random. But I guess it's the little things that really add up to the big things that matter.

The Sad Truth About Happiness.

I just finished reading a book titled "The Sad Truth About Happiness" by Anne Giardini. And while I am still not sure how I feel about it, there is a certain part that stands out to me.

The novel is about a woman, Maggie, who is on a personal quest to find happiness. There is not a lot of dialogue in it, but there is a lot of action... and a lot of stillness. But I digress.

P. 269:
"Happiness is more ephemeral than thought. It can't be observed without changing its nature. Its ingredients are subtle, and there is not guarantee that a formula or recipe for joy can be written out or passed on or repeated even once again. Happiness evades capture, dissolving like a melody into the air, eluding even the most delicate, careful grasp. It frustrates any systematic search, responding better to random fossicking and oblique approaches, and its rewards are infuriatingly arbitrary, stingy, or abundant by purest chance.

"Life is perhaps after all simply this thing and then the next. We are all of us improvising. We find a careful balance only to discover that gravity or stasis or love or dismay or illness or some other force suddenly tows us in unexpected direction. We wake up to find that we have changed abruptly in a way that is peculiar and inexplicable. We are constantly adjusting, making it up, feeling our way forward, figuring out how to be and where to go next. We work it out, how to be happy, but sooner or later comes a change - sometimes something small, sometimes everything at once - and we have to start over again, feeling our way back to a provisional state of contentment."

---------------------------

My life has felt very... I don't know. Very different lately. Very much like the paragraphs dictate. I am starting my third year of college, and I feel as if I am just in the flow, going along, not really sure. We really are - I really am - constantly adjusting, making it up as I go.

And I'm not sure if that's how life is supposed to be or not. I love talking to my new residents, hearing what they want to do, where they want to go... and I love thinking that during my freshman year, I thought I had it all figured up.

And boy did that change.

I changed my major. I changed my passions (or did my passions change me? Interesting thought...). I changed my friends (or rather, gained new ones). I changed what was important to me (which may or may not be a positive thing). I became more concerned with building relationships and less concerned with having lots of friends.

But I became a sort of social butterfly. I didn't see that in myself until earlier this week, when I was talking to a friend. But now, as I walk around campus, I say hi (and have hi said to me) by a lot of people. I know their names, but not necessarily anything else about them.

All of this to say, what is happiness? What does it look like? What does it look like in general and in my life specifically?

I think that happiness is having someone to talk to, someone to listen to, and something to talk about. Happiness is having something to do, emotions to feel, and thoughts to think. I feel happiest when I am talking to someone who knows what they are talking about, someone who can impart their wisdom upon me, someone who thinks that I am worthy of their time, effort, and energy.

I like knowing that I am worth it.

I mean, I know I am. Shoot - the God, the LORD, of the Universe sent His Son for me. I know that... but sometimes I don't. I know it in my head, but my heart doesn't always listen. My heart gets caught up in the things of this world, and it forgets the things out of this world.

I heard a song on the Christian radio station and it talks about how it's okay to not find your place here, because you don't belong here. And I forget that. And through that, I lose my happiness. I miss out on blessings God has intended for me. When I think more about life here than life THERE, I miss blessings.

Thus, happiness is living freely, unconcerned with the expectations of the world because your focus isn't on this world. This summer, I learned a lot about me... who I am, what I enjoy, what makes me ME. And I learned to be happy with that. No, I am not a supermodel (but I did try out for ANTM and I look in the mirror and know that I am breathtakingly beautiful). I am not an athlete (but I enjoy working out and am running a 5K in less than a month). Sometimes I get quiet (but I like to observe other people, I like to watch what they do - I learn a lot about them that way).

By being okay with myself, I subconsciously give other people the freedom and permission to be okay with themselves, too. I am not scared of looking foolish or being embarrassed, and hopefully people see that about me.

Happiness is knowing that in this life, it mattered that you lived. Happiness is knowing that without you, someone's life would be completely different. Happiness is seeing the kids at Mission Center run up, hold your hand, sit next to you. Happiness is talking to my girls, getting to know them where they are NOW, meeting their needs and praying with them. Happiness is living in the moment, not living in the future. Happiness is being okay with the fact that the future is not promised to us.

Hall.

Well, my girls are moved in. Most of them, anyway. I have three more or so that may show up. And I love them! They are all so beautiful and sweet. I can't wait to get to know them better.

I think we are going to have a painting party this weekend to paint canvasses to hang in the hall. It would be fun. Ever since we made Jade's present, I've had a hankering for painting. Call me crazy... but it's fun.

Say Okay.

I met a beautiful old woman today who graduated from OBU in 1944. She now serves on the Board of Directors or something like that, and is staying in the guest suite here in Kerr.

She asked where I was from, then told me a story about her husband going bear hunting in Kotzebue, Alaska in the 1970s, and how she gave him a check to give to the pastor of a Southern Baptist Church just so that he would attend a church service. The Pastor told him that he was the first hunter to ever go to church there.

I love random little meeting people moments like this. I love when you meet someone, and are just like, "Oh, hey, we have a little connection here."

My new girls move in tomorrow. I've realized that I haven't been calling them My Girls, like I did last year. My heart is a little bit hardened right now. I'm not really feeling this whole "RA" thing. But... it's coming. In less than 7 hours I will be waking up to get ready to welcome my girls. Crazy.

I want to leave a mark on their lives. I want it to matter that I am here. I don't want to just drift through this year, not really caring. Because I need to care. I need to be here for them. I need to do my job, putting my heart into it. My girls deserve that, if nothing else. I want them to know that I love them, even though I don't know them yet. I need a heart change.

And I need sleep. Story of my life.

Tired.

RA training is pretty much over, and in two days, the new little freshmen move in. It's... weird. Exciting? We're getting there.

I un-bunked my beds by myself today. I was actually really proud. Now I need to take some boxes to the attic... but it scares me. I've been putting it off since Monday. I need to get them up there by Friday night. That means I have one more day. Gosh. I'll go do it now. Scary. I'll go when I'm done with this.

I bought my textbooks today. And I am so excited about my classes now! I was looking at my texts, and they look so interesting and fun! One of my books is full of just kids songs, songs to sing with my students when I am a teacher. I think they are so great. I laid in my room, just singing the songs to myself, until Emily came in and we went to dinner.

I hung up my Africa map and my Labyrinth movie poster today.

I feel very... I don't even know.
I'm tired. Emotionally, especially, but also physically. Very tired physically. I just want to sleep all the time. I run my 5K in a little over a month, and I have pretty much stopped running completely. It's bad. But I'm so tired.

Friends come soon, then parents. Yay.

Oh My Gosh! An Empty Chair!

Just got back from RA retreat.

We had two hours of free time one afternoon, so Cari and I went for a run that turned into a walk after a short period of time. And we just talked and walked for two hours. It was fantastic. We had a really good conversation. And it makes me excited to be working with her again. We didn't just talk about superficial stuff, but we discussed relationships, and God, and our families, and trips we went on this summer.

It makes me realize how much the other RAs matter in my life. They are the ones that understand what it's like when residents are crap, when life is busy overwhelming, when everyone comes to you all the time and you just need to talk. They understand. And I like that.

I mean, I know other people understand, too. People will always act like crap, life will always be busy overwhelming, and people will always need to just talk.

So I don't know. But I like it.

Strengths Quest.

I am Strategic.

The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, “What if this happened? Okay, well what if this happened?” This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections. You discard the paths that lead nowhere. You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance. You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path—your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your Strategic theme at work: “What if?” Select. Strike.

I am Futuristic.

“Wouldn’t it be great if . . .” You are the kind of person who loves to peer over the horizon. The future fascinates you. As if it were projected on the wall, you see in detail what the future might hold, and this detailed picture keeps pulling you forward, into tomorrow. While the exact content of the picture will depend on your other strengths and interests—a better product, a better team, a better life, or a better world—it will always be inspirational to you. You are a dreamer who sees visions of what could be and who cherishes those visions. When the present proves too frustrating and the people around you too pragmatic, you conjure up your visions of the future and they energize you. They can energize others, too. In fact, very often people look to you to describe your visions of the future. They want a picture that can raise their sights and thereby their spirits. You can paint it for them. Practice. Choose your words carefully. Make the picture as vivid as possible. People will want to latch on to the hope you bring.

I have Positivity.

You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Some call you lighthearted. Others just wish that their glass were as full as yours seems to be. But either way, people want to be around you. Their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. Lacking your energy and optimism, some find their world drab with repetition or, worse, heavy with pressure. You seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. You inject drama into every project. You celebrate every achievement. You find ways to make everything more exciting and more vital. Some cynics may reject your energy, but you are rarely dragged down. Your Positivity won’t allow it. Somehow you can’t quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one’s sense of humor.

I am a Developer.

You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view no individual is fully formed. On the contrary, each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. And all the while you are on the lookout for the signs of growth—a new behavior learned or modified, a slight improvement in a skill, a glimpse of excellence or of “flow” where previously there were only halting steps. For you these small increments—invisible to some—are clear signs of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and satisfaction. Over time many will seek you out for help and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you.

I have Empathy.

You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.