Two weeks from now, I'll be in VA - reunited with Katie, Melinda, and my other peeps. Oh, happy day! The emotions are mixed... but I keep referring back to things the Father revealed to me on Sunday.
Obedience over uncertainty.
Not allowing the fear of losing something overwhelm the excitement of what could be gained.
Courage to "go there."
My fears are abased on both uncertainties and the certain knowledge that life will change over the course of the next two years. I focus on what I will lose rather than one what I will gain. When that shift happens, doubt, fear, and a sense of aloneness creep in. They shove out any excitement I could have. I am scared to think about what could happen, though - scared that my deepest dreams will not be realized.
Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart."
While studying Ruth last semester, I was struck by the idea of "going there." Kelly Minter wrote in "Ruth: Loss, Love, and Legacy," "Rut was about to 'go there' [with God as she approached the threshing floor]... Some places we can only go with God by ourselves - there's just no way to take anyone with us. It was simply a walk of faith, a humble obedience with no strings attached. And this is the way we must approach our own threshing floors. Without demands. Sometimes in the dark. Alone. But with the expectation that God will always be faithful and good." (92)
I must go there. I must, again, put everything on the threshing floor. I must allow myself time to be alone with Him, as Ruth and Boaz were alone together. I must share with Him; I must dream and think; I must determine the desires of my heart.
David did that, too. He went there. He stepped out of the battle line, though no one else would, and he went to war with Goliath. Before that, he went before the King. He was not afraid, though he could not see exactly how it would end. He was obedient. His faith in the Father was more than enough to give him the courage He needed.
Obedience over uncertainty.
7.13.2010
7.07.2010
God Has Chosen You.
This post blessed me a lot today. For your ease of also being encouraged, I copied it here.
Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: John 15:16 KJV
God was the one who formed you, gave you the breath of life, and brought you into the world. He did this so that His arms could embrace you and His love could keep you—He wanted you to know that your relationship with Him would always be of more value than the things He would have you do for Him. He wanted you to be certain that He loved you completely before you ever did anything in His service, so that your service would never become a way of trying to earn His love or favor.
As you came to know His heart and hear His voice, you heard Him speak a call to your life. This call would mean that He would never ask you to do anything for Him that He expected you to do without Him. He alone would be your sufficiency. His only desire is that you daily open your heart to His resources—never saying, “I can’t,” without also being able to say, “He can!”
You are now in the place He has called you. He has made no mistakes in leading you. Even in the hard places He is working out what is best—not only for you and for others, but also for His Kingdom. He is not looking at your statistics or programs to measure you; He is looking at your heart to see if you are faithful. He wants you to know that the results of your obedience are for Him to determine. Be assured that it is His presence that will keep you and make you strong.
You are in God’s place at God’s perfect time. Your days are in His hands, and He is your future. He has gifted you and placed His hand upon you to bless you and make you a blessing. The burden of your ministry is not yours to carry—as you rest, He will work; as you abide, He will bring fruit; as you sow, He will give the increase. He is your shield and your exceeding great reward.
He is your provider. He will take care of you. He will nurture and sustain you. His Spirit is the wind to cool you, the water to refresh you, the power to enable you, the oil to anoint you, and the river that flows through you to touch the lives of others. Continue to be God’s man, in God’s place, doing God’s will, in God’s way, and always remember—God has chosen you!
I've felt a bit of anxiety lately, as I face the fact that there are just 2 and a half weeks left. I received my ticket to VA today; I'm excited. Things are changing. I will stand on the Rock.
Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: John 15:16 KJV
God was the one who formed you, gave you the breath of life, and brought you into the world. He did this so that His arms could embrace you and His love could keep you—He wanted you to know that your relationship with Him would always be of more value than the things He would have you do for Him. He wanted you to be certain that He loved you completely before you ever did anything in His service, so that your service would never become a way of trying to earn His love or favor.
As you came to know His heart and hear His voice, you heard Him speak a call to your life. This call would mean that He would never ask you to do anything for Him that He expected you to do without Him. He alone would be your sufficiency. His only desire is that you daily open your heart to His resources—never saying, “I can’t,” without also being able to say, “He can!”
You are now in the place He has called you. He has made no mistakes in leading you. Even in the hard places He is working out what is best—not only for you and for others, but also for His Kingdom. He is not looking at your statistics or programs to measure you; He is looking at your heart to see if you are faithful. He wants you to know that the results of your obedience are for Him to determine. Be assured that it is His presence that will keep you and make you strong.
You are in God’s place at God’s perfect time. Your days are in His hands, and He is your future. He has gifted you and placed His hand upon you to bless you and make you a blessing. The burden of your ministry is not yours to carry—as you rest, He will work; as you abide, He will bring fruit; as you sow, He will give the increase. He is your shield and your exceeding great reward.
He is your provider. He will take care of you. He will nurture and sustain you. His Spirit is the wind to cool you, the water to refresh you, the power to enable you, the oil to anoint you, and the river that flows through you to touch the lives of others. Continue to be God’s man, in God’s place, doing God’s will, in God’s way, and always remember—God has chosen you!
I've felt a bit of anxiety lately, as I face the fact that there are just 2 and a half weeks left. I received my ticket to VA today; I'm excited. Things are changing. I will stand on the Rock.
6.30.2010
Update.
Less than one more month. Then, less than 3 and a half months.
I came up with this brilliant idea to redecorate my bedroom… why? I’ll be gone for two years. But alas. I painted, rearranged, and redecorated. It’s quite nice. Maybe I chose to do it because it’s like… closing one bedroom door and opening another. Except this door will be in South Asia.
I bought some more Darjeeling tea and have been making chai. Chris and I had some after his soccer game, then I just made some for Dad before he left for work. It tastes different every time since I’m just doing it from memory. My memory is a mixture of when Steve made it last summer and when he made it for the Go-ers Group.
I start work tomorrow. It has been SO nice to sleep in every morning, generally until 9:30am or 10:00am. But Mom and I report tomorrow around 7:30am. I will dress professionally, since there is a new superintendent and I have high hopes of being hired by the district in two years. Who knows if this dude will still be here, or if I will want to be here, but we’ll see.
“We’ll see.” That’s such an odd phrase. Growing up, my parents said it to me when they really wanted to say no to something I asked but didn’t quite want to crush my dreams. Ha. Now, I guess I say it because I really don’t know what’s going to happen. Which is exciting and epic and fantastic and so scary that I don’t know what to do. Besides that whole walk-by-faith thing.
Ha.
This has been a good week: painting, hiking in the fog, inventing horror stories, crocheting, midnight premieres, lunch at V-Ho, decorating my room. Mom and I are hanging out tonight. I feel as if I have not seen her in FOREVER.
I’m realizing more and more how I will miss my parents when I move. And not just my parents, or “my people” here, but… Alaska and life here. I have not seen the sun in WEEKS. (But really, I won’t miss that. I like the sun.) And at the same time, I’m realizing more and more how excited I am about the next step. Bright colored clothes contrasted with dirty buildings. Smells of spices and food wafting from street vendors. Chai on the streets. A flat with a girl I don’t know. Yet.
I want to learn to dance, to hang out with school children, to impact something bigger than myself. This is the time to do that. Twenty-two years old and not really tied down to anything...
Camping this weekend, for the 4th of July. When I typed “July” I thought “Whoo-lie” in my mind. The Spanish version of July? Ha. Seward with Han and Jade. Last time I was there was with Emily, and we bought Crab Hats. Oh, that was fun.
I came up with this brilliant idea to redecorate my bedroom… why? I’ll be gone for two years. But alas. I painted, rearranged, and redecorated. It’s quite nice. Maybe I chose to do it because it’s like… closing one bedroom door and opening another. Except this door will be in South Asia.
I bought some more Darjeeling tea and have been making chai. Chris and I had some after his soccer game, then I just made some for Dad before he left for work. It tastes different every time since I’m just doing it from memory. My memory is a mixture of when Steve made it last summer and when he made it for the Go-ers Group.
I start work tomorrow. It has been SO nice to sleep in every morning, generally until 9:30am or 10:00am. But Mom and I report tomorrow around 7:30am. I will dress professionally, since there is a new superintendent and I have high hopes of being hired by the district in two years. Who knows if this dude will still be here, or if I will want to be here, but we’ll see.
“We’ll see.” That’s such an odd phrase. Growing up, my parents said it to me when they really wanted to say no to something I asked but didn’t quite want to crush my dreams. Ha. Now, I guess I say it because I really don’t know what’s going to happen. Which is exciting and epic and fantastic and so scary that I don’t know what to do. Besides that whole walk-by-faith thing.
Ha.
This has been a good week: painting, hiking in the fog, inventing horror stories, crocheting, midnight premieres, lunch at V-Ho, decorating my room. Mom and I are hanging out tonight. I feel as if I have not seen her in FOREVER.
I’m realizing more and more how I will miss my parents when I move. And not just my parents, or “my people” here, but… Alaska and life here. I have not seen the sun in WEEKS. (But really, I won’t miss that. I like the sun.) And at the same time, I’m realizing more and more how excited I am about the next step. Bright colored clothes contrasted with dirty buildings. Smells of spices and food wafting from street vendors. Chai on the streets. A flat with a girl I don’t know. Yet.
I want to learn to dance, to hang out with school children, to impact something bigger than myself. This is the time to do that. Twenty-two years old and not really tied down to anything...
Camping this weekend, for the 4th of July. When I typed “July” I thought “Whoo-lie” in my mind. The Spanish version of July? Ha. Seward with Han and Jade. Last time I was there was with Emily, and we bought Crab Hats. Oh, that was fun.
6.24.2010
Summer In Alaska.
Me and Cody during our Butte picnic. We forged our own path through the brush, making the Tuesday Night Preposition Club trail. Chris was there too. It as windy on top and we got dirt everywhere. Even in our mouths. Also, we were shot at, almost attacked by a bear, and met some Israeli gunmen.
Camping at Rolly Lake with Janelle, Megan, and Sydni. Our reunion campout, minus Maria. Except this time, we were able to start a fire, did NOT have veggie dogs, and stayed dry. We talked long into the night, when Syd finally showed up. We ate a whole bag of chips and had s'mores for breakfast. The creepy campers nearby wanted to kill us.
Me and Hannie, playing "Let's Hide!" in Palmer. Jade was going to the bathroom. This game is only fun if you are part of the hiding team. This round, we hid in the Palmer garden. Then, though we ordered it, a pizza was NOT delivered to the Palmer Public Library sign for us. How rude. We waited for over an hour.
Camping at Rolly Lake with Janelle, Megan, and Sydni. Our reunion campout, minus Maria. Except this time, we were able to start a fire, did NOT have veggie dogs, and stayed dry. We talked long into the night, when Syd finally showed up. We ate a whole bag of chips and had s'mores for breakfast. The creepy campers nearby wanted to kill us.
Me and Hannie, playing "Let's Hide!" in Palmer. Jade was going to the bathroom. This game is only fun if you are part of the hiding team. This round, we hid in the Palmer garden. Then, though we ordered it, a pizza was NOT delivered to the Palmer Public Library sign for us. How rude. We waited for over an hour.
6.22.2010
Waiting.
Oh boy, oh boy.
Is it really the end of June? I graduated roughly 6 weeks ago. I returned home 3 weeks ago.
And so many questions have been going through my head for the last week that I can’t even STAND it anymore. Really? Let’s be done with it.
What are we doing?
2 Peter 1:3-4 has been on my mind a lot. Confirmation for my next step has come in so many different forms: conversations, verses, speakers, fellowship… He is always faithful. He always meets my needs because He freaking owns everything. I am called to be a good steward. Easy enough.
Not. It takes constant vigilance. (That reminds me of Harry Potter’s occlumency lessons with Snape.)
But I am tired. Just… tired.
What are we doing?
We are waiting. What a sigh of relief, knowing that He does have a plan, that it is good, and that He will work it out. I feel so much more peace knowing what we are doing. Waiting.
I feel like Ruth, after she lays everything down at Boaz’s feet, having changed out of her mourning clothes, and must simply wait until morning. Because she could just wait, she was able to spend uninterrupted time with Boaz. I bet they talked all night long. I bet they shared stories and secrets and fell more in love than they already were. She rested in the waiting, but she also grew in the waiting.
Is it really the end of June? I graduated roughly 6 weeks ago. I returned home 3 weeks ago.
And so many questions have been going through my head for the last week that I can’t even STAND it anymore. Really? Let’s be done with it.
What are we doing?
2 Peter 1:3-4 has been on my mind a lot. Confirmation for my next step has come in so many different forms: conversations, verses, speakers, fellowship… He is always faithful. He always meets my needs because He freaking owns everything. I am called to be a good steward. Easy enough.
Not. It takes constant vigilance. (That reminds me of Harry Potter’s occlumency lessons with Snape.)
But I am tired. Just… tired.
What are we doing?
We are waiting. What a sigh of relief, knowing that He does have a plan, that it is good, and that He will work it out. I feel so much more peace knowing what we are doing. Waiting.
I feel like Ruth, after she lays everything down at Boaz’s feet, having changed out of her mourning clothes, and must simply wait until morning. Because she could just wait, she was able to spend uninterrupted time with Boaz. I bet they talked all night long. I bet they shared stories and secrets and fell more in love than they already were. She rested in the waiting, but she also grew in the waiting.
6.10.2010
Blink. Revive. Breathe.
It's been a while. 15 days, eh? That's half of a month.
Home no longer feels like home. I have spent the last 4 years investing in Oklahoma life. My people, my hobbies, my everything took root there. Now, the knowledge that in less than 4 months I am moving to another country is keeping me from planting my life here again.
The problem? Without planting my life, I cannot develop and grow relationships. I cannot make a difference. I will be rendered useless for the Kingdom, a huge fear in my life.
I listened to the radio tonight while washing dishes and a new song came on, one I have not heard before. It's called "Blink," by the band Revive. The lyrics are as follows:
Teach me to number my days
And count every moment
Before it slips away
Take in all the colors
Before they fade to grey
I don't want to miss
Even just a second
More of this
It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?
This week is VBS and I teach the 3rd/4th grade class. I love spending time with them, challenging them (and myself). But have I savored my time with them, plunging full-force into everything? And if not, will I?
Home no longer feels like home. I have spent the last 4 years investing in Oklahoma life. My people, my hobbies, my everything took root there. Now, the knowledge that in less than 4 months I am moving to another country is keeping me from planting my life here again.
The problem? Without planting my life, I cannot develop and grow relationships. I cannot make a difference. I will be rendered useless for the Kingdom, a huge fear in my life.
I listened to the radio tonight while washing dishes and a new song came on, one I have not heard before. It's called "Blink," by the band Revive. The lyrics are as follows:
Teach me to number my days
And count every moment
Before it slips away
Take in all the colors
Before they fade to grey
I don't want to miss
Even just a second
More of this
It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?
This week is VBS and I teach the 3rd/4th grade class. I love spending time with them, challenging them (and myself). But have I savored my time with them, plunging full-force into everything? And if not, will I?
5.26.2010
Another Year Older.
Today is my birthday. I am now 22 years old. I feel that that is much older than 21, though for reasons I cannot really identify. Maybe because I'm a year past the drinking age. Maybe because now I'm also a college graduate. Maybe because now, I've had my own apartment and my own life... and I've had to move away from it all.
I miss Oklahoma. I miss feeling like I have a home - my place - to be.
I love birthdays. :) A lot.
Tonight we are having dinner at home, per my request. Chicken stuffed with spinach and cheese; macaroni and cheese; fruit salad; asparagus; dinner rolls; and then... le creme de le creme: ice cream cake.
Chris bought me a dinosaur egg and it is hatching in my room at Grandma's as I type. We'll have the same birthday, me and the T-Rex. "T-Rex" makes me think of tea, which makes me think of Chai, which I am drinking in a cafe right now. So I think that's what I'll name it: Chai. Or Chai Baby.
Last night I was thinking about the last year. Being 21.
I went to South Asia. I broke up. I served as a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding in New York. I co-founded the MNHC. I climbed mountains. I started dating. I was a Tro-W during welcome week. I moved into my own apartment with roommates and was so blessed all year by one of them. I became OBU's Harvest Court 2009 Best All Around female and I bought a beautiful dress. I spent Thanksgiving with my grandparents for the first time ever. I showshoed up a mountain. I applied for, was accepted as, and chose to serve with the J-man program. I met Katie, with whom I actually just got off the phone. Nice timing. I ran 5K. I learned to play tennis. I started a mini-hat business. I learned to bat. I student taught in 4th grade. I planned and carried out a great exploration activity about Africa for my students. I roadtripped with two awesome girls to North Carolina. I went to Bill Pope's house for dinner. My portfolio and assessment project were kept as examples of good work. I graduated Summe Cum Laude. I began a roadtrip with my parents and boyfriend across the country, meaning that this year, I traveled from one end of I-40 to the other end. I learned a lot. More than I ever thought possible.
Wow. It's been good. Maybe the best so far.
I miss Oklahoma. I miss feeling like I have a home - my place - to be.
I love birthdays. :) A lot.
Tonight we are having dinner at home, per my request. Chicken stuffed with spinach and cheese; macaroni and cheese; fruit salad; asparagus; dinner rolls; and then... le creme de le creme: ice cream cake.
Chris bought me a dinosaur egg and it is hatching in my room at Grandma's as I type. We'll have the same birthday, me and the T-Rex. "T-Rex" makes me think of tea, which makes me think of Chai, which I am drinking in a cafe right now. So I think that's what I'll name it: Chai. Or Chai Baby.
Last night I was thinking about the last year. Being 21.
I went to South Asia. I broke up. I served as a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding in New York. I co-founded the MNHC. I climbed mountains. I started dating. I was a Tro-W during welcome week. I moved into my own apartment with roommates and was so blessed all year by one of them. I became OBU's Harvest Court 2009 Best All Around female and I bought a beautiful dress. I spent Thanksgiving with my grandparents for the first time ever. I showshoed up a mountain. I applied for, was accepted as, and chose to serve with the J-man program. I met Katie, with whom I actually just got off the phone. Nice timing. I ran 5K. I learned to play tennis. I started a mini-hat business. I learned to bat. I student taught in 4th grade. I planned and carried out a great exploration activity about Africa for my students. I roadtripped with two awesome girls to North Carolina. I went to Bill Pope's house for dinner. My portfolio and assessment project were kept as examples of good work. I graduated Summe Cum Laude. I began a roadtrip with my parents and boyfriend across the country, meaning that this year, I traveled from one end of I-40 to the other end. I learned a lot. More than I ever thought possible.
Wow. It's been good. Maybe the best so far.
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