I just finished reading a book titled "The Sad Truth About Happiness" by Anne Giardini. And while I am still not sure how I feel about it, there is a certain part that stands out to me.
The novel is about a woman, Maggie, who is on a personal quest to find happiness. There is not a lot of dialogue in it, but there is a lot of action... and a lot of stillness. But I digress.
P. 269:
"Happiness is more ephemeral than thought. It can't be observed without changing its nature. Its ingredients are subtle, and there is not guarantee that a formula or recipe for joy can be written out or passed on or repeated even once again. Happiness evades capture, dissolving like a melody into the air, eluding even the most delicate, careful grasp. It frustrates any systematic search, responding better to random fossicking and oblique approaches, and its rewards are infuriatingly arbitrary, stingy, or abundant by purest chance.
"Life is perhaps after all simply this thing and then the next. We are all of us improvising. We find a careful balance only to discover that gravity or stasis or love or dismay or illness or some other force suddenly tows us in unexpected direction. We wake up to find that we have changed abruptly in a way that is peculiar and inexplicable. We are constantly adjusting, making it up, feeling our way forward, figuring out how to be and where to go next. We work it out, how to be happy, but sooner or later comes a change - sometimes something small, sometimes everything at once - and we have to start over again, feeling our way back to a provisional state of contentment."
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My life has felt very... I don't know. Very different lately. Very much like the paragraphs dictate. I am starting my third year of college, and I feel as if I am just in the flow, going along, not really sure. We really are - I really am - constantly adjusting, making it up as I go.
And I'm not sure if that's how life is supposed to be or not. I love talking to my new residents, hearing what they want to do, where they want to go... and I love thinking that during my freshman year, I thought I had it all figured up.
And boy did that change.
I changed my major. I changed my passions (or did my passions change me? Interesting thought...). I changed my friends (or rather, gained new ones). I changed what was important to me (which may or may not be a positive thing). I became more concerned with building relationships and less concerned with having lots of friends.
But I became a sort of social butterfly. I didn't see that in myself until earlier this week, when I was talking to a friend. But now, as I walk around campus, I say hi (and have hi said to me) by a lot of people. I know their names, but not necessarily anything else about them.
All of this to say, what is happiness? What does it look like? What does it look like in general and in my life specifically?
I think that happiness is having someone to talk to, someone to listen to, and something to talk about. Happiness is having something to do, emotions to feel, and thoughts to think. I feel happiest when I am talking to someone who knows what they are talking about, someone who can impart their wisdom upon me, someone who thinks that I am worthy of their time, effort, and energy.
I like knowing that I am worth it.
I mean, I know I am. Shoot - the God, the LORD, of the Universe sent His Son for me. I know that... but sometimes I don't. I know it in my head, but my heart doesn't always listen. My heart gets caught up in the things of this world, and it forgets the things out of this world.
I heard a song on the Christian radio station and it talks about how it's okay to not find your place here, because you don't belong here. And I forget that. And through that, I lose my happiness. I miss out on blessings God has intended for me. When I think more about life here than life THERE, I miss blessings.
Thus, happiness is living freely, unconcerned with the expectations of the world because your focus isn't on this world. This summer, I learned a lot about me... who I am, what I enjoy, what makes me ME. And I learned to be happy with that. No, I am not a supermodel (but I did try out for ANTM and I look in the mirror and know that I am breathtakingly beautiful). I am not an athlete (but I enjoy working out and am running a 5K in less than a month). Sometimes I get quiet (but I like to observe other people, I like to watch what they do - I learn a lot about them that way).
By being okay with myself, I subconsciously give other people the freedom and permission to be okay with themselves, too. I am not scared of looking foolish or being embarrassed, and hopefully people see that about me.
Happiness is knowing that in this life, it mattered that you lived. Happiness is knowing that without you, someone's life would be completely different. Happiness is seeing the kids at Mission Center run up, hold your hand, sit next to you. Happiness is talking to my girls, getting to know them where they are NOW, meeting their needs and praying with them. Happiness is living in the moment, not living in the future. Happiness is being okay with the fact that the future is not promised to us.
