My Personality Or Lack Thereof

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be really liked, no matter what? I have. I mean, I'm not a social outcast (I don't think) but I'm not really popular. And sometimes it's like if I show who I really am, no one would like me. But then, I wonder what I'm really like. When I'm alone, and crazy, dancing to songs on the radio, singing along, and just hanging out, it THAT me? Or is it when I'm at church and being the Christian girl that I am, trying to bless everyone, or be used by God to bless them, rather, is that me? Or when I'm being moody and stuff, is that me? (oh, by the way, I read a funny quote today: "It is my biggest fear that there is no such thing as PMS and this is who I really am" lol) Or when I'm with other people and feel stupid and can't think of anything intelligent, or even not intelligent to say... is THAT me? Or when I'm listening to Syderni and Brenna talk, or Sabrina even, and I'm giving the Almost Big Sister Mode advice, is that me? And those girls, or Syd at least, why do they look up to me? I see my life, all the sin and just junk that there is, and I wonder how anyone , much less God, could love a mess like me. And that, I guess, is God. He just loves. He sees everything, and loves in spite of it. Anyway, I've been wondering what my persoanlity IS. Like, Jeff, his girlfriend came and visited and Brad was talking about how she didn't really have a personality. Do I? What is it? They say that who you are is who you are when you are by yourself. If that's true, then I'm very random. Like the other day, I began making a "dream BIG" board to hang up on my wall and put all my life goals onto. Then there are a few Barbie dolls hanging out on my shelf, and I have a furry pillow courtesy of Ms. Mindy and the 80s party. But do my possessions mark who I am? They shouldn't...but they do show what I spend most time on. I have a buttload of craft stuff: Scrapbooking, knitting, crocheying (I don't know how to spell it), etc. I have lots of books, lost of shoes... but shoes don't make my personality. Unless... I have lots of flip flops, but one favorite pair (they are red), so maybe that shows that I am laid back, easy-going. Then I have some cute high-heels, too.... so I like to be dressed up, and glam. My room is often messy, and I don't pay attention to details (mom, dad, and I all agree on that, but I'm trying to get better. I have to take an art class this semester, so maybe that will help. I doubt it. I'm horrible at drawing. Unless it's with crayons. You can never be super neat with crayons.). But I try to keep my clothes organized...so what does that mean? That I like to be organized without attention to details? My room is all blues, purples, greens, and browns. I like relaxing, old-fashioned decor, almost. Oak and wood details. All my picture frames on my wall are wood. Well, this kind of goes back to the book "The Complex Infrastructure Known As the Femals Mind" written by RK. I realized, throughout the reading of the aforementiond novel, that I am neither an Athlete, a Drama Queen, a Home-Coming Queen, an Artist, a Band Geek, a Mathlete, a Punk, or any of the other girl types. In fact, I found it quite depressing that I didn't fit into a category...until I got to the last girl type: "Vanilla Pudding". I realize I have already blogged about being Vanilla Pudding, however, I will continue on as if it hadn't happened. You see, Vanilla Pudding is a menagerie of characteristics. I.E. She may like Relient K as does another girl type. She may enjoy drinking coffee, as does another girl type. She may enjoy working out, and mathmatics, and music, as do other girl types. Ladies may want their daughters to be like her, as does another girl type. She may be funny, as is another girl type. And that, I'm excited and afraid to say, is me. I love RK. I love coffee. I enjoy working out, math, and music. Many ladies have commented to my mother and I that they wish their daughters would turn out like me. Therefore, I am hence forth Vanilla Pudding. It isn't extravagant. It doesn't turn heads. It doesn't get voted "Most Popular" or "Best Smile" in the yearbook. But Vanilla Pudding, well, it's everyone's favorite. That doesn't really matter to me, as I've well learned with time. I know that, whether I have a personality or not (which I do, I'm Vanilla Pudding!), God will always love me. And as long as He does, I'm okay.