Flying Into Daybreak.

Sometimes, I'm super inconsiderate.

And it's sad. And I feel dumb afterwards.

Like, I have these grand notions about how something will go. Then it doesn't go that way. And I'm left like an idiot.

And it's hard.

God's Glory Endures Forever.

God is amazing.

I'm not even kidding.

He's so personal to me - like, I know Him, and He knows me, and He loves me, and I love Him (though not as much as I should...I need to work on that). But at the same time, He makes lightening strike down from the heavens.

Could Buddha do that? What about Muhammed? Moses? No. But can God? Yes. It's fantastic.

I really realized that tonight. At the Saturday in the Park. Charlie Hall was up there playing, and as he was rocking out, I could see flashes of lightning all around us. And...it was so powerful...just to be worshiping God while He was doing all this amazing nature stuff. And I could hear the thunder. And the wind was blowing, and it's like, God was just THERE. In spirit, in love, in POWER.

And I think that sometimes, I forget that God is powerful. I mean, I know He is, but I guess I get so caught up in Him being forgiving and loving (which He totally IS) that I just don't realize that He makes lightning, and causes us to hear thunder. He is the origin of all life, the Creator of gravity. He spoke the mountains (though there aren't any here in Oklahoma) into being. He just told the stars to BE and they were, and are to this day.

And - He wants me to know Him. He wants me to love Him. He wants me to be His friend. He's called me to be His daughter...I am the daughter of not just A king, but THE King.

To think that He loves that much - so much He gave me His Son - is just...it's causing me to have a loss for words. And that doesn't happen very often. But wow. God doesn't just HAVE love, He IS love. God's all about love and forgiveness and new beginnings with Him. And no matter how many times I mess up, God's still there. And He's just like, "Hey, Melissa, try it again. One more time. Don't worry. You're living freely with Me. I won't stop loving you if you mess up again." And God doesn't just say that and not mean. God means it. A lot. Like, with His whole being.

And I think that people need to realize that. I need to realize that. God loves us soo amazingly much. God loves ME soo amazingly much. And God loves YOU soo amazingly much. So much that He would rather turn His back on His Son than spend eternity without you.

God is forever.

4-20-2006.

I just read a post I wrote on April 20, 2006.

And it was good. The end of it, I mean. Like, how awesome that I wrote that THEN, and it applies to me now?

God is amazing.

Gah.

I think I'm obbsessed. (did I spell that right?)

But I don't know if it's a bad thing. I think it is though.

Darn it.

Scary.

Things are gonna change. I know, I know, it's like "DUH!"

But still.

My friends that have never had boyfriends, could get one. I'm going to know people that other people don't know. I'm going to have experiences that no one can comprehend, no matter how well I explain it. My relationships are going to change, my friendships, my life, my everything.

And it's....weird.

Like, I have a facebook now, and I'm seeing things that I don't know if I want to know, because for some reason, it's really important. And I don't like that it's important, but it is. It makes me think that somethings that I want, I REALLY want. But at the same time, I don't know what I want. Because I may think I want something and then come to find out, it's the opposite of what I actually want. And that scares me for some reason.

And then....

Yeah.

Inside Jokes And Random Stuff.

Move-In Day tomorrow. The dorms open in about 15 hours. Whoa.

I thought of a bunch of random inside jokes today.

Singing like Angelina Jolie.
Hitler.
12:23.
Paula's interpretive dance.
Rock the Boat.
My truck blowing up.
Creepy Corrie.
Grabbing Maria's hand during The Fog.
Maria freaking out from seeing a spider.
Being the Official Acteens Spider Killer.
Being Ms. Mindy's favorite.
Saying "Hey, so..."
Leki Leki.
Butt floss.
Peeing in caves.
Jesus Is Better Than Chedder.
"Ooh, ooh, I love that band! What songs do they sing?"
Ha - getting almost kicked out of the PAC.

Ah, darn. We never bought me a fridge for my dorm.

My Dad and I have completely different tastes on what to watch on T.V. Man, if we had cable at home, we would argue all the time.

Oh, but how sweet. He just put it on the Disney chanel for me. :)

Various Thoughts.

My Dad is more excited than I am.

It's actually kind of annoying. Like, all we do is drive around campus. Okay, not really. But still. We take all these back roads, and it's just...

I don't know. I mean, I don't know how I feel about this, this whole going to college thing. I think I'm ready to be away from my parents, for a while at least. It seems like I'm walking on egg-shells with them, like everything I say and do will set off a bomb in them or something. And I'm sure that's not true. But I'm afraid my mom will start crying at any minute, and my Dad will want to stay here forever and take pictures and talk to everyone.

For once, I want this to be MY thing. I know I'll need my parents' support, and yes, their financial assistance.

But I was talking to Peppin some time ago, and he was like "I'm excited to go to college...it means for once that you aren't your parents' kid. You're your own person." And I've been thinking about that a bit lately. Like, for the first time ever, I won't be known as "Officer Krauss' daughter" or "Patti from the Purchasing Department's daughter" or "Brad's little sister" or "Jeff Krauss' little sister". Which is good. I mean, I'll miss them. I'll miss telling my mom everything about what happened during the day, the funny things that I talked about at lunch. I'll miss my Dad's random singing (off-key :D) and how he just comes up with theses random thoughts. I'll miss talking to Brad, about random things and college, though I guess I'll still be able to. And Jeff...I'll miss hearing about everything going on with he and Kayla, or everything that's NOT going on, I guess.

I mean, I'm shaped by the people I spend time with. And I know college will change me. But it will be interesting to see how.

But I talked with Megan and Maria about how Thomas is different this summer than last summer, after a semester at college. And I told them that if I am different - way different, in a bad way - than I am now, I want them to call me out on it. And I really REALLY hope they do.

I'm going to miss them. How Maria seems so tomboyish, but is actually a big flirt. How Megan is good at running, but doesn't like it. I'll miss how we would just be like "hey, do you wanna do something today?" And how Maria would tease me about the truck, and how I'd tease her about Ryne and that other kid. And how we talked about guys - me and Corrie, and Maria and Titus, and Megan was like "I wish I had a guy story..." and I said, "NO YOU DON'T!" Ha - there was the time Maria saw a spider and jumped, screaming, and hid behind me. Or when we were in Hawaii and Megan climed the tree (with the help of our boosts). I'll miss them.

And of course, Jade and Kristina and Hannah. That's a given.

Cody and Chris were right, by the way. It's Barq's Root Beer. With a "Q" not a "G". And it's definately not "Barge's" like I always pronounced it. Meh. You win some, you lose some.

I'm Giggly.

Hee hee hee

Hannah liked her going-away present. I'm so glad. I hope Jade and Kristina will like their's too. They get them on Monday. I'm excited.

Packing = almost done. Kind of. For the clothes anyway. Mostly. Except for what I kept out to wear these last few days. And I've got my sheets, towels, and quilt in a box to take. So all that's really left is my little things and my clothes hamper. And my super sweet dishes. And I've got tons of stuff just kind of piled on my hope chest, waiting patiently to be packed away.

One more Sunday at church. Crazy. Then it's out into the wide, unknown world. Thankfully, God knows what is going to happen, because I surely don't. As long as I get invited to someone's house for Thanksgiving, I'll be okay. :D

(none)

It's going to be so hard saying goodbye to them. To Jade. Kristina. And Hannah. I can't even imagine my life without them. Jade's Earth Child-ness and outdoorsy love for nature. Kristina's complete sarcasm and her love for God and camp and youth group. And Hannah...she and I had a conversation about loving each other. :)

And wow.

I can't even imagine.

So that's all, because I might cry any time now.

My Wonders On Heaven.

I really have no idea what this post will be about. I just decided to write one. And usually I start with an idea of something that's going on in my life, but not this time.

Eleven days until I am on a plane bound for OBU.

And thirteen days until I'm moving into my new dorm room.

It's so crazy how everyone just kind of goes their own ways, come college time. Like, I'm going to Oklahoma, Jade's going to Montana, Kristina and Chris are staying here, Hannah's going back to Australia, Cody is on his way to Texas, Ashley is gonna be in Arkansas, and Lucas, Liza, Azzy, Joe, and Chrissy are headed up to Fairbanks. We're all spead out. But I know that for those of us who know Jesus Christ - and I'm not talking religion, I'm talking a RELATIONSHIP - we'll see eachother again some day. And holy cow. I'm so stoked for heaven. Imagine just getting to see Peter walking down the golden street. Do you think it will be like Hollywood, where people are rushing them for autographs? Or will we all just automatically become really good friends with everyone there? Imagine worshiping God with people from Nicaragua, and from underground churches in China. What kind of clothes do people wear in Heaven? Do they wear clothes at all? What about food? Do we play games? Like Sardines, or Clue, or the game we played at Ms. Janelle's that one time? Will I automatically be awesome on the guitar?

It's interesting to think about, really.

My Thoughts About God Tonight.

I drove down my road with my lights off tonight, at 11:30 pm. I drove by the light of the setting sun. And it was nice. Almost like time stood still and I didn't have to worry about saying good-bye to people. It's like I was covert, and it was just the clouds above, the pavement below, and the mountains in front showing my way. And though it only lasted about a minute, it was really peaceful.

But then it was back to the non-peaceful stuff.

Such as, I'm totally sitting here crying right now, dreading saying good-bye to Ms. Mindy. That will be my hardest good-bye. Besides, like, Hannah. But Ms. Mindy...I cried a majority of the way home from her house tonight, too. She's my "mentor" but I don't think she really knows that. She's such a godly lady for me to look up to. And I admire her a lot. More than I can explain, more than she can comprehend.

And I'm talking to Ashley now, which is good.

I think - I know - I just need prayer. Someone to just get on their knees and lift me up. And I may never know if someone is doing that, but I need it right now. Right now, at 11:47 pm, Alaska time, on August 4, 2006. And that's what I'm asking God for, is to put me on the heart of someone who will pray for me, because I don't know how to pray for myself right now.

And already, I have more peace. Because whether or not someone is praying for me right now, here on earth, the Bible says that Jesus is interceding on my behalf to God.

God's the lead character. And the author. I've never thought about my life like that, as a giant movie staring and written by God. You know, I'm spending all this time "Oh, I'm going to miss so and so" and I will, but I'm forgetting that my life is not about me being with people I love. My life isn't about me never saying goodbye to people. When I became a Christian, whether it was when I was five, or a few years ago when I rededicated myself at MYPD, I died. And Christ came to live in me. So, who am I living for now? A majority of the time, myself. And that's just dumb. Like Ashley said, it's a trust thing, a faith thing. And I need to look at where my trust and faith lie: In myself, or in God. And that's a question only I can answer.

But I'm afraid I might not like the answer.


Thank goodness sin is the easiest cured problem ever. Jesus has the solution, the remedy to it, and thank goodness I know Him. I would be so lost and confused (even more than I am now) if He wasn't in my life. So I thank and praise God for that - for Who He Is, and what He does. And for everything that so often goes unnoticed, like how big the space bar is on a keyboard so that you rarely miss it.

Then pride gets in the way, and I fight and fight giving in to God until I am just exhausted mentally and physically and emotionally and spiritually, and I realize that God is still there, and while He wanted me to come to Him sooner, He's just glad I'm there now. And then you see that nothing - nothing - is better than Him.
And so you dwell on that for a while, till another problem comes, and more pride. But still, God just loves. Unconditionally. With no end anywhere near by at all. He's just LOVE, a love that never runs out. And He just waits for us to get the message that He still cares - beyond our mistakes and screw ups, and bad days. He still loves me. And I can't really comprehend that, but it's pretty awesome. We're such aldutresses, like Pastor Tom said on Wednesday. But God just says, "Hey, I know you messed up, but just try again. One more time. It'll be okay, because I've got your back." And it's amazing.

Tired At Work. What Else Is New?

I'm so utterly exhausted. And I'm ready to blow this popsicle joint. The popsicle joint being work, of course.

I just want to go home. But I can't. Because at 5:00, I am meeting Tom, Kristi, Stephen, and maybe Lucas for dinner at Pizza Gut. And who knows how long we'll be there. THEN I can come home. But I'll probably just do random stuff until I start my Bible Study at about 11:00 or som, then I'll finally get to sleep.

Thank goodness tomorrow is my last day of work. Though it was sad saying bye to my work buddy, Azzy. Meh. Life goes on.

I get to teach Sunday School on Sunday for the probably last time in a while. The lesson is about our gifts. And I am so excited. I'm showing a clip of "Lord of the Beans", and we're going to use our "gifts" in a rock band. And hopefully they'll learn something, and hopefully they'll have fun.

My parents are weird. No, not weird. But it's like, I'm not allowed to do anything in the evenings with my friends anymore. Which is kind of odd, because we don't do anything at home except sit there. I'll hang out in my room and Mom and Dad watch TV. If they planned something for us to do - dinner, or a movie, or something, I would totally be there. But I've had 18 years of sitting at home with them. And I mean, I never go out with my friends. Over 2/3 of my Friday and Saturday nights during the school year were spent at home. I remember before Brad left for West Point, he just wanted to hang out with his friends. And at the time, I was kind of ticked off about that, because I wanted to spend time with him too. But now, I see his point of view, too. I mean, my family will always be here and support me, but my friends...who knows what will happen. So I think that while I have them here, I want to be with them. Not that I don't want to be with my family, but you know.

And Ms. Mindy.....I'm going to miss her, but it kind of seems like she's cutting me out now. Like, "If I don't spend much time talking to you, Melissa, it won't be so bad once you leave." And that feels like crap, as Tyler would so aptly put it.

So I don't know. But I'm ready for a nap. A long one. In my bed. With my quilt over me. Right now, I keep blinking and forgetting to open my eyes. Oops.

Aargh, better get back to putting folders away.

Quitting My Job.

I told Terrie that I quit today. Our conversation was as follows:

Me: Terrie, I can't take this anymore.
Terrie: Can't take what, Melissa?
Me: I can't take the hypocrisy of all the people here, the racism that is so abundant all around, the insincerity of their words.
Terrie: What are you talking about?
Me: Terrie, I'm sorry, but Friday is my last day.
Terrie: NO!!! Melissa, you are the glue that holds this school district togeher. You are the World's Best Student Worker, as the lable on your Nalgene so clearly states! Azzy is good, but you, Melissa...you are amazing!
Me: Don't make this harder than it already is.
Terrie: But what will I do without you?
Me: I don't know. But good luck with that.
[as I walk away looking cool with sunglasses on my head...]
Terrie: Melissa! Melissa? Melissa, wait! Don't go yet! I'll give you a raise! I'll bring apple juice for you everyday! Melissa!!!!

Okay, really, that's not at all how it went down. But you were convinced, weren't you? I thought it was pretty good (fake) dialogue. But really, Friday is my last day. Yay! I leave a week and a half after that, so I figure I should start packing soon. And it'll be nice to just relax and stuff. Hang out with friends. All that.

So yeah.

Only two more days, and I'm jobless for the first time in over a year. Crazy.

Equals.

It's interesting. Life, I mean. And how I react to certain people and situations and events.

Tyler's birthday party tonight = fun. I love that kid. He's hilarious.

Work = boring.

College = exciting.

Pictures with friends = awesome.