Parents.

Within the last three weeks, as I vacationed first with my mom and then with my dad, I was reminded of what a beautiful life I live. I am blessed with parents who love the Lord, love each other, love me. I am reminded that though I am getting married, I will always be their daughter. 

What a delight. 

Oh, Lord.

I don't understand, Lord, but I will trust You.

I'm tired, Lord, but You give me strength.

I feel rushed, Lord, but You multiply the hours.

I am content, Lord, and I thank You for that.

G'Morning.

After staying up late studying, I slept through three alarms this morning.  I can't remember the last time I did that.

Highlights of Today at 6:57am:
- Red pants today
- I have a three-day weekend
- My Jeep is stuffed with food the girls collected for MYHouse
- Coffee is brewed
- The sun is already rising.

Oh, Lord. Let me dwell in You today. Let me shine for You. I choose You. I pour out my perfume, my desires, my feelings at Your feet. And I want to be filled with You.

Africa And India.

I had another friend over for dinner tonight. Shannon, from the youth group. I made us rice, veggies, and chicken. Yummy.

We talked a lot about life - what she's facing as a senior in high school, what I'm facing as a young adult. Then (somehow) we started talking about India and Africa.

I loved those places. For different reasons.

Africa was about learning to love, learning to serve, learning to give.
India was about learning to trust, learning to depend on God, learning to be a friend.

Africa was cold.
India was very hot and humid.

Africa opened a door to my soul that I didn't even know was closed. A door I had been afraid to open, afraid of what may be behind it. But one look into Tahmee's eyes, one game of soccer with Sofanee, one late-night talk with Brianna, and there was no way I could close that door again.  That door to love.

India was about walking through that door. One foot in front of another, until I prayed at that hotel late at night, until we talked in the candlelight at the hostel, until I laid it all out on the rooftop. I learned to walk... and keep walking.

I don't know what's next. But as long as I keep that door open, and as long as I keep walking through it with the Lord, I know it will be Good.

Forgive.

As many times as you are hurt, forgive.

Seven times seventy.

As many times as the pain boils up and the anger stirs. As many times as your heart hurts and you want to get even. As many times as it takes.

Forgive.

Break My Legs.

We Were Fiction - "The Rain"

Please, oh, heavens, soak my body.
Please, break my legs 'til I'm baptized in the
Puddles and streams of Your love.

James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..."

Feel it. Feel the joy, letting it wash over you.

I am mostly an emotional person.  Actually, I am a very emotional person. I wear them right there on my sleeve, all the time.  And I am commanded to consider - to feel - joy when bad things happen.

When my leg is broken and achy.
When I am completely dependent on other people.
When I have taken one shower in three and a half weeks, and countless bucket baths to suffice.

Joy.

Why?

James 1:3 "...because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

I don't know why I need this level of perseverance. But the Lord knows.

James 1:4 "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I really like this song, this song on repeat.  Break my legs, Lord, just so I can rest in Your love. So I can appreciate You. So I can remember being Your daughter. Help me be quiet, turning off the movies and putting down my crocheting needles, and erasing the callouses so I can be open to You. I have nothing to prove, Lord, and everything to lose for You. Break my legs so that I can be dependent on You. Break my legs so that when they are fixed, I can have beautiful feet that bring Your good news.

Tomorrow Is My BIrthday.

And the start of Birthday Week 2012.

I am going to be 24.  Mid-twenties.  Isn't that odd?

What Has Been The Most Difficult Thing You Have Had To Forgive?

Words spoken to me, from someone I loved and trusted, that tore me apart to the core.  That contradicted everything previously spoken to me, words that should not be uttered by anyone - particularly someone who "loves you."

Words you wouldn't even say to a stranger.

Words of Affirmation is my love language.  They are powerful things, words are.  That's why James encourages us to control our tongues.  They can cause such grief.

And that's what happened.  Grief.  Deep grief.  And nothing was the same after that.

List Ten People Who Have Influenced You And Describe How.

- Mom and Dad. Teaching me about service, always being prepared, and how to properly eat ice-cream.  Life lessons to never forget.
- Katie K. Talk about a huge heart for the Lord and making Him known.  What an inspiration and what a great friend.
- Allen. Reminded me it's okay to just be silly and have fun. It's okay to tease each other and be teased in return.  Love seeing his heart with God.
- Kim. We haven't talked much since college, but she befriended me when I was mostly lost and wandering.
- Ms. Linda. She teaches me how to be an adult woman, finding her way in life while relying on the Lord time and time again.  She has endless grace.
- My GAs. They are so eager to share praises and prayer requests, something that gets lost as people grow up.  Those little things don't really "matter" anymore... when they do.  All of it does.
- My sisters.  Ha, oh the times we had in high school and now, beyond. We are all growing up, but I love being with them.
- Grandma. She constantly serves, always putting herself behind others. Sacrificial.
- India family. I think they were more important to me than I realized at the time. But they supported me in ways they don't even know.
- The ex-boyfriends.  That's odd. But they taught me what love is and isn't, what I do and don't want in an FH, and the importance of not settling.
- Joe and Janelle. Another example of a godly marriage. Another couple I can look up. They are so faithful to what God is calling them and their growing family to do.

What Are Five Things That Make You Most Happy, Right Now?

- Serving at my church.  My GAs are so delightful.  I know I say that all the time, but God has really blessed my time with them.
- My relationship with Allen.  Everything just feels so normal and easy and comfortable, like I've always known him, and he's just been waiting in the background.  Does that make sense?
- My Jeep! AKA, the BEAST! I love this thing.
- Summer :)
- The Word.  It is refreshing and wonderful.

List Ten Things You Would Tell Your 16-Year-Old Self, If You Could.

- Watch the birds.

- Embrace life.  Stop thinking what others think and just be yourself.

- Don't date someone seriously your freshman year of college.

- Pray more.

- Don't lose your passion for the Lord - He is so good. 

- Write your Grandma more letters.  Few things are more important than that.

- Here's a head's up: You are going to go to Africa and fall in love with it.  Don't settle for a boy who doesn't love missions as much as you do because it ends in heartbreak.

- Don't be afraid of failing.  You won't be perfect at everything. 

- Work hard to graduate with honors - you won't regret it.

- But you will regret not making stronger friendships in college. Invest in those.

My New Friend.

Let me introduce you to someone:



This is Allen.

He has been in my life for a little over a month. The whole story of how we met - of how the Lord orchestrated it - stretches back to mid-September. Here's a brief outline:
- Break up.
- Go to Seattle.
- Learn about Krochet Kids International
- Pledge for a date with Nic.
- Go on a date with Nic while in CA for work.
- God speaks, telling me He is preparing a man for me who has the same desires in his heart that I do.
- Come home and live life.
- Wait on the Lord, clinging to His promise.
- Allen gets "locked out" of his church while my church's youth girls are unable to start their van in his church's parking lot.
- They talk.
- My mentor and his pastor conspire.
- Allen calls me.
- We eat eggs together.
- We snowshoe.
- He brings me a Valentines Day present.
- We go out to lunch, show each other pictures, and talk.
- We have a weekly Wednesday lunch date.
- We hike at Thunderbird Falls.
- We watch a movie.
- We start dating.

Out of nowhere, but in the works forever.
Known for about 5 weeks, but feels like he has always been in the background of my life, just waiting.
Just comfortable and fun and easy and romantic.

That's all.

But there you go. It's enough.

Brokenness.

I got to talk to a really dear friend this weekend. The Lord has used her mightily in my life, encouraging me to Christlikeness. And I pray I do the same for her. We discussed life plans – her next year overseas, everything that’s changed for me lately, etc. She’s had a rough time there lately; life is changing and relationships are changing and fatigue is setting in. And life has been hard for me, too; I’ve had three four jobs in the last year and a half, relationships are changing, and there’s a lot of uncertainty.

But tonight, my Pastor spent time preaching about Jesus’ hands. He has reaching, healing hands. But at one point, I turned to Luke 9:16-17, which says, “And taking the five loaves and the two fish, [Jesus] looked up to heaven and said a blessing over them. Then He broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples to set before the crowd. And they all ate and where satisfied. And what was left over was picked up, twelve baskets of broken pieces.”

This is the question that was posed: How many things am I reluctant to put in God’s hands, for fear He’ll break them? Relationships? The desires of my heart? My sweet GAs? My job situation? My finances? My time and energy?

In the verses above, Jesus took pieces of whole bread, which seemed to be good and useful for eating. But He broke them, blessed them, and multiplied them. The bread was broken for Good, for the Good of those who were present that day.

The thing is, sometimes God has to break my spirit so that I yield to His. But everything He seemingly breaks, He always blesses and multiplies.

I had a relationship break a few months ago. I take that back – it was broken long before; a few months ago, it was severed. My spirit was broken…crushed. But God blessed my brokenness: The Spirit interceded when my words failed; Christ began my Husband, and I His bride; and God covered me with His wings, comforting me as a weaned child with his mother. And after blessing, oh how the Lord multiplied! My joy multiplied, as my did the time I could spend with Him, the love I had for my GAs, and my ability to dance freely in the song He sings over me. My spirit broke, but I chose to yield to His – and through that, I was blessed and multiplied.

So it’s okay to feel broken. It’s okay to not know what’s happening next, how that relationship will turn out, or what it means to rest. That’s okay. In fact, it’s in those moments that God takes our Brokenness, blesses it, and multiplies it into something better than what we had before. We are blessed through that process, and so are others – more than we can count.

Monday, November 28, 2011.

I spent the first part of my evening with the book “Pride and Prejudice” and a tall Starbucks chai. It was nice: a great read, delicious drink, just enjoying being 23.

I spent the second part of my night with a family: a mom, dad, and five daughters, all under the age of seven. We ate dinner and dessert and drank coffee and told stories and talked about serving the Lord in Africa – their desire and my own. I shared my dream for my love life with the wife, a lady I respect a great deal. I left with a full heart, full belly, and a vase full of yellow roses, my early get-well-soon present for Wednesday’s surgery.

God is so faithful. When the desires of my heart are in line with His will and His character, He lovingly and willingly grants them. My confidence, my hope and my joy and my faith, is not based on God’s actions, but on His character. Who He is.

I’ve struggled the last few days with that relationship that ended a couple of months ago. I’ve struggled with things that happened in the relationship, things that have happened since, what the end of it means for my future. I get braces put on tomorrow (Tuesday) and part of me thinks that if I have braces, I’ll never get married! Like I ruined my chance with him (and any boy!) when I had it.

But I know those are not words of Truth. It is Good that that relationship ended. Good for both of us, really, though maybe for different reasons. I do not change because of braces. I am still me – Melissa, age 23, Project Administrator/Change Management Coordinator. Because of all the recent struggles, however, I have developed (or there has developed within me) a new desire for my love life.

I really – REALLY – want to be in love with the Lord. I want to be so wrapped up in His love, in His pursuit of me (and my pursuit of Him), and in what He is accomplishing in my life… I want to be so caught up in our Royal wedding dance that I don’t even notice a boy until He has sought the Lord and requested from Him the privilege of cutting in on my dance with God. And only when that man steps in, takes my hand, and leads me in the dance will I acknowledge him in my heart. I want to know that the Lord has placed me in this man’s hands – that I have been turned over to him, so to speak, and that YWHW is looking on with pleasure and delight, just tickled pink that He can dance with both of us from that day forward.

I want to do what God has for me to do, with boldness and enthusiasm and all the fruit the Spirit of God can muster. I want to serve willingly and passionately: in GAs, at work, in my family and among my friends. And I think that it is while I am doing that – while I am pursuing God and His will in my life – that I will find The One With Whom I Am To Spend The Rest Of My Life. Not before.

That’s my heart right now. That’s where I’m at. Let’s do this.

Radical.

I just finished reading “Radical” by David Platt. It took me about a month, from start to finish. I read it at work, thousands of miles in the sky, lounging in a chair in the California sunshine, and relaxing on my bed with fresh snow outside.

Talking to Grandma tonight, I mentioned wanting to move to Africa, to intern with KKI for six months. She asked if I want to do it long-term, that if I do, I’ll miss a lot of family stuff, that I probably won’t get married, that I’ll have cats instead. But you know – my heart has been in Africa since 2008. Three years now. Four, next summer. If I am to go to Africa, I will go, for however long the Lord allows me to stay. With or without a husband. With or without cats.

Because it comes down to this: The Lord is faithful. He is just and pure and His way is much higher than my way. He makes everything work for good, even things that seemingly threaten to throw my whole life off course and make me doubt everything. He works them for good.

If this, then…. And if that, then… And if I hadn’t, then…

He knows. God knows. He knows all those paths and He is leading me down the one that He has ordained since the beginning. And I get to walk it. No, I get to run it, straight into His arms at the end of the race. Along the way, I get to serve and lead and disciple and carry my cross. And there is no other way I want to live.

One of the most difficult things, however, is not having people my age here in Alaska with whom I can talk about this. Or maybe I do, but the topic is never breached. Like we’re all scared to go there, to cross that line and discuss something that really matters… like it makes us uncomfortable because it doesn’t follow the American Dream. For that reason, I really miss OBU and Senior Women Bible Study. I miss my roomies and my BFFFL and Sarah and my J-Man Sister, who was mostly another Oklahoma friend. A heart friend. I miss having a heart friend.

Falling Leaves.

Emotional Nutcase: (n) one who cannot react to situations appropriately; one who is prone to crying and fits of feeling inadequate

Of all definitions I can have with my name, this is the most recently appropriate. Isn’t that unfortunate? But alas, on K Love today, I heard…

“Fall Apart” by Josh Wilson.

…Now it all seems upside down.
Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then.
I cannot come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need.
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts:
I find You when I fall apart.
I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass.
But maybe this is the best thing
That has ever happened to me.

The mission trip to Old Harbor is coming up. I’m accompanying the youth with two married couples and three or four little kids. And I am excited. This will be my first trip since India, where everything changed. There was a newness on that trip: a new way of relating to God, of knowing Him and hearing from Him. It was… indescribable. This will also be my first time in an Alaska Native Village and I think it will be an interesting and challenging time… from what I hear, at least. One week. We leave in one week, first for a six hour car ride, then a ten hour ferry ride, then a plane trip. Gotta love Alaska travel.

I interviewed at an elementary school in Anchorage. They have no openings but are anticipating some. Waiting game. I do have a (non-teaching) job lined up for the fall. And I’m thinking: do I even WANT to teach? Am I ready for it? Can I handle my own classroom? This job that I’ve been offered, I would learn skills that could better prepare me for a classroom of my own one day – but if I take it, will I ever get my own classroom? Really?

I am nearly done with my hooded crocheted sweater. It’s blue. And cuddly.

I found a brown leaf today on our deck table. It’s JUNE. What’s the deal? We had a party together:





My bike and I went on a wonderful ride together yesterday, about 10 miles. I stopped at a fellow teacher’s house and blew my nose before visiting with them for a few minutes. Bike riding? How did I like for about 10 years without this?! What a time to enjoy God’s creation and empty my mind! It’s like… mobile meditation. Haha. I got my new helmet in the mail and really like it. Incidentally, the new shorts I just bought match it perfectly. I’m like a little bike model.

Call your shrink. Call the National Guard. Call your priest. Call me when you’re over it.

Perspective.

Father, I have been suffering.
I didn’t think I was; not really. I thought life was just happening around me.
But this is hard. This is suffering.

Rejected
by school districts, right and left,
and wounded by those closest to me,
and feeling jilted at every turn,
and uncertain as to why I am so dissatisfied with this life You have graciously given.

But God, Your Word says to rejoice in suffering
Because it develops perseverance.
Because it perfects me.
Because it draws me closer to You.
So that I can obtain the prize.

And You never give me more than I can handle…
But I don’t feel as tough as You must think I am, Father.
(I am not a champion weight lifter, in any sense. I fell in the middle of yoga that time, remember? I’ve never been able to do a cartwheel, much less a forward roll. My best mile time is roughly nine and a half minutes. Tough? Me? Hardly.)
I feel weak and lost and alone and afraid and like a loser.

I feel like a loser.

But You don’t whisper those thoughts to me. You don’t. You love me. I am Your Bride. I am Chosen and Dearly Loved and I was bought with a price. Ha. I am valuable. I am not my own; I was bought with a price. So even in this hard time, I can honor You with my body. I can present myself as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to You because this is my spiritual act of worship. In this waiting, I do not have to be conformed to the world, but I can be transformed by the renewing of my mind so that I can test and approve Your will for my life, Your good, pleasing, and perfect will, both in the future and in the now. (Romans 12:1-2)

So maybe, Lord, maybe…
Maybe through Your Spirit alone, I am stronger than I think.
Maybe You are accomplishing something in this season that seems to last for-freaking-ever.
Maybe I can trust Your plans for me.

No, Lord. Not Maybe. Definitely.
Through Your Spirit, I am definitely stronger than I think, because of the promise in Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things [even the things that threaten to suck the life and joy right out of my lungs] through Christ who strengthens me.”
You are definitely accomplishing something through this time, like Romans 8:28 claims “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.”
I can definitely trust Your plan, because it is good: Jeremiah 29:11 tells me, from Your own point of view, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.”

You are never late, Lord. Your plans never fail to come to fruition. They are never forgotten until the last minute. You never have, “OH CRAP!” moments. You don’t need a plan B and You don’t have to second guess how something will turn out. You are never late; so I can praise You while I wait.

That’s the great part of being free in Christ. All my worries and cares? I don’t have to live under the weight of that oppression. I don’t have to stress about where I am going and how I am going to get there and with whom I will live life.

As a child of the King, I am free. Free to live completely surrendered to His love, completely alive in His presence. These ties that were holding me don’t have to hold me any longer. Surrender. The key to, and difficulty in, surrendering is that I forfeit my right to ask questions.

It can be easy; I think people – myself included – tend to over think things, especially Christianity. Your love, God, is strong. Stronger than Satan’s pull on my life. Stronger than my own fleshly desires. Stronger than my fear and uncertainty. Your love is Strong. I can trust You. I know I can. And I choose to, Father. I choose to trust You again. And again. And again. Renewed everyday, just like Your mercies.

Trust.

Well. Learning to wait, again.

Proverbs 3:5-6 MUST hold true in my life. I must allow it. I still have worth because my hope is NOT in a job; it is in the Lord. He is my strength and my shield.

Okay, world. You can't get me down again. (But please - don't try too hard...)

March, March.

Wow, halfway through March. That means, 2011 is nearly 1/4 of the way done.

Serious bad self-image at the gym lately. What's the DEAL?
Things I like about myself:
- all my scars; they just make me laugh at the legitimacy of them all.
- being able to hike a lot and keep up with the boys.
- not being scared to do most things.
- my hair and eyes.

Chris' birthday is coming up.
The job fair is coming up.
SUMMER is coming up and the days are longer to prove it! Huzzah.

I Will Let God Write My Story.

That was the theme for the GA Lock-In this weekend. I WILL let God write my story. It's kind of a hard concept for 1st through 6th grade girls to grasp. But man, I sure learned a lot. When He spoke through me, He captured my heart more than anyone's.

Mary, Jesus' mother, did NOT plan on getting pregnant out of wedlock, becoming the mother of the Savior of the World, and seeing Him murdered on a cross. God intervened in a big way, changing... everything. But Mary's attitude is what surprised me the most. She went from, "Are you sure you have the right person?" flabbergasted to, "Okay, Lord, I am Your servant" acceptance, to "I am SO blessed!" excitement and worship.

WORSHIP. God changed everything and she worshipped.

I do not have that kind of reaction when God changes my plans. I usually get angry, like "How DARE You change my plans, God!" I can't believe my attitude sometimes. But because of Mary's humble acceptance and obedience, the whole world was blessed. I will never be involved of the birth of the Savior, but He does have a divine purpose for MY life, too. Do I miss that divine purpose when I foolishly follow my will rather than His?

God does have a better plan for my life than I do. In every area of my life. Where I will live. What I will do. Who I will marry. What car I will drive. Everything is better when He is in control. After all, Jesus came that I would have abundant life, not just an average life. I can trust Him. I really really can.

But already that is being tested. He has already rewritten my plan this weekend and already I am called to trust Him again, to follow Him, to put my heart and rust in Him alone.

When God and I don't talk for hours, how do I feel?
Do I have good communication skills with my Lord?
Do we spend a lot of time together? Or is it just face-time work?

No matter how hard it is, I will let God write my story. Especially if I want an "And they lived happily ever after; Great job, good and faithful servant!" at the end of it.