Hey!

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Halloween!
Tonight I am dressing up as an Eskimo, in my kuspuk, fur hat, mittens, and moccasins.
Bring it on, Trunk or Treat!

These Are The Nights.Making April.

"Dangers were no more than odd imaginings, like ghost stories that children made up to frighten one another: things that couldn't possibly happen." - Number the Stars, by Lois Lowry, p. 42

"[The most important thing is] different for everyone...You find out on your own. But in the meantime, you got to remember, you can't always judge people by the things they done. You got to judge them by what they are doing now." - Because of Winn Dixie, by Kate DiCamillo, p. 96

"I decided that bravery is looking in Pandora's box full in the eyes as best you can, and then turning to the other box, the one with the smoothbeautiful folds inside: Momma kissing trees, my Gram saying, 'Huzzah, huzzah,' Gramps and his marriage bed." - Walk Two Moon, by Sharon Creech, p. 277

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8th graders made me cry this morning. They are mean and rude and they talk a lot and they don't care about reading. But their most important thing is different than mine. They have histories, too. Somewhere, in their history of school, they were told that they didn't have to care or try. Bravery in the classroom is embracing those challenges, along with the good times, and running with it, taking it full in the face and making a difference.

How Great Thou Art.

I love this time of evening: Twilight, when the world is swathed in golden light. The red in the trees shines brighter. The street lights are beginning to come on, promising once again to watch over our campus like the stars do the night sky. The clouds in the sky are painted pastel blue and gray with streaks of brilliant gold running through it, water over rocks cascading down a mountain.

Breathtaking.

He numbers the stars one by one, calling each forth at the right time.
How great Thou art!

How great Thou art.

When I see this, when I walk past the laundry room and breathe in freshness, new beginnings, and hope, when I feel this way, I realize that You, You are God and You are greater than anything I can imagine. You know me, love me, and call me according to Your purpose. Yet You give me a choice. You have a plan, but You let me make decisions. You direct my steps. You hold me hand, a Father helping His child walk for the first time.

How great Thou art.

Big City Dreams. Never Shout Never.

You say we're both little people and you like it that way
But in time I'm gonna put this body to shame (and grow old)
Wear a suit like my old man
Pack up all my things and get my butt outta town

We've got it good
Whether you like this town or not
I know it's small but with a big head
It's bound to get hot
In the summer
But the summer is a bummer
If you can't leave
This pathetic excuse for a town

That holds all your memories
A lifetime of crushes and your broken dreams
To be anywhere but here
But baby anywhere is away from me

If you got it all figured out
Then what is there to shout about
This midwest town is gonna miss you
Just go ahead and work it out
But first come on and let it out
Scream it shout tell everybody how your gunna leave

In about one year you'll have it all figured out
These big city dream are what you're about
Walking like strangers among these states
Only time will tell how long I can wait

We've got it good
Whether you like this town or not
I know it's small but with a big head
it's bound to get hot
In the summer
But the summer is a bummer
If you can't leave
This pathetic excuse for a town

That holds all your memories
A lifetime of crushes and your broken dreams
To be anywhere but here
But baby anywhere is away from me

If you got it all figured out
Then what is there to shout about
This midwest town is gunna miss you
Just go ahead and work it out
But first come on and let it out
Scream it shout tell everybody how your gunna leave

Me again oh so casually
Did you take the hit for me or the home team

If you got it all figured out
Then what is there to shout about
This midwest town is gonna miss you

More.

God still loves me more.
More than the book, T-shirt, letters, inside jokes.

God still loves me more.
Unfathomable.

You Are God. Charlie Hall.

You're closer than our troubles
More present than any danger
More grand than gold and silver
You are God, You are God

You're the joy of man's desire
You are Father, Satisfier
We are stunned with wide-eyed wonder
You are God, You are God

You fill our hearts with love and faith
You fight for us, You make us brave
You are God, You are God.
You walk with us, You lead us on
Faith, hope and love wakes up with dawn
You are God, You are God


Thinking last night about how God fights for me. He fought for me. He fought satan for my soul, for my life, and He fought with the most powerful thing in the world:

Love.

God fought with love, with love crucified on a cross, and because of that, I live. Because of that, I am brave. Because of that, I know Him and can approach Him freely, at any time, in any place, undeniably His daughter.

I don't think satan was expecting to lose to or through love. The only love he knows is distorted, selfish, evil. That love does nothing for others. But God's love - legit love - changes things.

It changed me.

Tuesday Tribute.

KRISTINA: You are my friend.

My e-mailing friend, but also my in-person friend. Since... sixth grade? Forever ago. I don't remember being sixth grade friends, but you do, and that's cool.

Concert friends. The mosh pit, and Tree 63. Remember taking a picture with them? And Audio Adrenaline. We made T-shirts, right? Mine said "You're cooler than my Ethiopian keychain." I feel like a lot of our friendship is music. Band, though we didn't sit together. But music videos... ha. Sadie Hawkin's Dance at your birthday party, and Hannah's music video, filmed in part in your parent's bathtub. Kayak sledding came to be during the creation of that music video. I borrow your CD's often. Thanks. You introduced me to good music. But you also like me, even though I sometimes listen to Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana.
Music in high school consisted of playing our metal lunchboxes in the school hallways during lunchtime. Ha, and playing imaginary violins, making the noise, and rocking back and forth to the fake music. We were so cool, I can't even explain it. We were oblivious to what people thought of us, or at least I was. I think you were too, though we never talked about it.

I'm glad we founded the Monday Night Hiking Club. It was a great summer, in large part due to that. I'm glad you like to go adventuring and take pictures. Thanks.

And I'm glad you like Harry. Oh, Harry.

I really like how you like to travel. I'm glad you have found something you are passionate about, and I hope you get to pursue that often in the future. My prayer for you is that as you travel, you make a difference in the lives you touch. I know you will. You are very brave, in that if you want to go somewhere, you just do. I admire that in you. I would have been intimidated by SAS, but you owned it. When you live somewhere exciting, can I come visit you?

John Madden Junior. IHOP. Ha, IHOP. I feel like we had a lot of good times at IHOP. Like the time me, you, and Cody went, and our waitress hated life. I kept laughing and you and Cody kept spilling stuff. Or maybe that was just Cody and you got food for free. Either way, epic.

I've got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night. Rock the boat, don't rock the boat, baby.

Losing shoes on birthdays. Hubcaps. Asking my Grandpa to take a picture of us hanging from something, and the picture looking ridiculous. Bear walking. Guessing noises at Portage Glacier. Writing on index cards and adding it to the wall. "I like rocks. My friend fell in the glacier water. It was cold. It's her birthday! -Kristina" "Once a month you should shoot a cannon at the glacier to see it cave."

So many memories.

Thanks. Thanks for blessing my life, for making memories with me, for making me laugh and listening to me. Thanks for reading and responding to my e-mails. Thanks for drawing me pictures and for labeling everything.

Hey, let's be friends, Stop.

Ephesians 2:19-22.

Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus Himself as the chief cornerstone.

In Him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord.

And in Him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by His Spirit.

My Heart.

Oh, God.

I am really frustrated right now, more so than I have been in a long, long time. Maybe ever. And maybe I'm just exaggerating a little bit, but surely not a lot. God, I feel like I just don't know - like I have no idea - where You are leading.

Your still, small voice has gotten lost in the crowded world of Me. As hard as I try, I can't hear it. I can't hear You. Every now and then I hear You break through, then just as quickly, I choose to dismiss You, like someone brushing away an annoying fly at a picnic, like Cody shooing the bee away while we sat on the brick wall today.

Come thou fount of every blessing. Tune my heart to sing Thy grace. God, I am a singer completely out of tune, lost in this song, hopeless as to what page we are on, what measure we are in, what instrument I am supposed to be playing.

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You." My mind is not steadfast.

God. This is hard. Why do I feel as though You are not here?

Love,
Me.

Eight Forty Eight.

I dressed for success, and my feet almost fell off. The red shoes are a little too small... but so cute. Oh, the things girls do.

Like staying up late. I mean, really?

Can I sit by You? I'm so in awe of You. For real. I had a hard time the other day comprehending the awesomeness of my Savior. I just kept thinking about how He hears me, knows me, and loves me. Unashamedly, liberally, tangibly. Please may I kiss Your hand? I only want to be with You. I just want to hold Your hand.

I am here. HERE. In my apartment, at my desk, 100%, completely here. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I am savoring, dwelling, living. But so often I'm not. I got halfway through dinner the other day before I realized I was there. I was just going through the motions while my head and heart were somewhere else altogether. When I had the realization that I had missed the previous three hours of my life, I was astounded. Where have I been?

A friend who went to Asia with me and I had coffee together today. We sat and talked, just sharing about our lives. I've missed doing that with him, with friends in general.

Running.

For the first time all semester, I feel the weight of school pressing down on me. It's an odd sensation, after having such an easy time with everything for so long.

But then I remember things like this, when Emily was in Alaska, and we went on epic adventures in Hatcher's Pass. We were chased by ghosts and spirits of dead miners. As long as we ran, we were safe.

Sometimes I just want to run away from here.

Yesterday would have been three years. No regrets. I was thinking last night about this, and this morning Jay's sermon fit it well. He said, "Paul was under house arrest for two years. But God was still sovereign in those two years. He had a reason for them." I will trust Him.

Even fairy tale characters would be jealous.

You know they would.

Tuesday Tribute.

To Hannie:

Oh, Friend. The years have flown by. It's like I blinked in the light of the blinding sun and opened my eyes to a Twilight Fading.

Ha. Remember? Do you remember it all?

Remember the time you, Kyle, and I made a lemonade stand? We had about two customers all day and one of them was a man who bought a scoop of hot chocolate mix. He paid $5.00 for it. I was grossed out when he added it to his coffee mug. But now I, too, know the joy of a mocha. We advertised for our stand with a homemade sign. We jumped up and down on the trampoline, holding it up. You bought purple pom-poms with your share of our earnings.

Remember when we went to the cabin (oh, all the times at the cabin!) and we were down by the water? We wanted to balance on the mini floating dock. So we stood on it together, dressed in our jeans and shirts. But then we lost our balance and fell in the water. My Mom said that if we returned to the cabin, we would not be allowed to get back in the lake that night. We were drenched and just wanted to put our suits back on, but we weren't allowed to. Remember?

Remember swimming lessons with Sunny? We were the oldest ones in the class.

Remember signing to each other in Mrs. Howell's 4th grade class? We could "talk" all we wanted and never get in trouble for "talking"! How clever we were back then. Ha.

Remember riding scooters in the Subway in Germany? Remember walking down the road, determining not to move so that the other person has to, then at the last minute dodging the Germans? Remember how every time Kyle filmed, he ended his shot by zooming in on a random person? Remember Diddle? And there was the night we ate in a Biergarten and the men were singing really loudly? I had a pasta dish that night for dinner, and we kept giggling at the men inside. We went swimming in a German swimming pool. I was scared to go off the diving board, but you and Kyle patiently waited in the water below for me. A German man saved my life when I almost drowned in the wave pool. We ate McDonald's for lunch that day. The Passion Play was fun. We watched the Olympics in the hotel. I remember exactly how that hotel room was laid out.

We died Kyle's hair blue. Remember? It turned out almost gray. My Mom came into the bathroom and helped us.

"Expression" by Helen Jane Long reminds me of us.

You, Hannie, are so important to me. My sister since second grade. The forts. The secrets. The dreams. Bike-riding to the Palmer library. Driving around with no destination or purpose in mind.

Even though we're growing up, know that I'll always love you; you will always be an important, integral part of my life. Thanks for being you.

Revelation.

Revelation from Senior Woman's Bible Study that took entirely too long for me to understand:
It really does all lead to God.

The tears.
The waiting.
The uncertainty.
The birds, roofs, and masala.
The orphanage, Vuyi, and soccer.
The joy.
The laughter.
The talking.
The remembering.

The remembering.
The pain in the remembering.
The disappointment.

Painting in the rain.
Eating with hands.
Shivering in the cold, but laughing out loud together.
Dance parties at auditions.
Wind-blown hair.

Stubbing your toe.
Sunburns.
Paper cuts.

It all points back to God. It all leads to Him and it can all be used for His glory. It all works together to fulfill His perfect plan in His perfect timing.
Reassuring.