Satisfy.

Some people are really really great at remembering the names of bands and the songs they sing. I mean, they are like pros.

Me? Not so much.

However, one band I love and have been listening to a lot lately is Tenth Avenue North.

Satisfy me, Lord.

In Your Presence, My Holy King.

I just want to hide in the shadow of His wings.

I am weak, but He is strong when I am barely hanging on.
He is my Portion and my Cup.

My soul will find rest in Him.

Christ Is Risen - Matt Maher - LifeChurch.tv Church Online

Break My Legs.

We Were Fiction - "The Rain"

Please, oh, heavens, soak my body.
Please, break my legs 'til I'm baptized in the
Puddles and streams of Your love.

James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..."

Feel it. Feel the joy, letting it wash over you.

I am mostly an emotional person.  Actually, I am a very emotional person. I wear them right there on my sleeve, all the time.  And I am commanded to consider - to feel - joy when bad things happen.

When my leg is broken and achy.
When I am completely dependent on other people.
When I have taken one shower in three and a half weeks, and countless bucket baths to suffice.

Joy.

Why?

James 1:3 "...because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

I don't know why I need this level of perseverance. But the Lord knows.

James 1:4 "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I really like this song, this song on repeat.  Break my legs, Lord, just so I can rest in Your love. So I can appreciate You. So I can remember being Your daughter. Help me be quiet, turning off the movies and putting down my crocheting needles, and erasing the callouses so I can be open to You. I have nothing to prove, Lord, and everything to lose for You. Break my legs so that I can be dependent on You. Break my legs so that when they are fixed, I can have beautiful feet that bring Your good news.

What Do You Think People Misunderstand Most About You?

Golly, I don't know... I don't feel like I'm really misunderstood.  I tend to just be me and not worry about what others say or do about it.

But sometimes I get quiet and rarely talk at all, and I'm afraid people might think I'm standoffish.

I hope they don't think that.  I hope they know it is just for a time.

Tonight's Plans.

Quilting while listening to K-Love.

Falling Leaves.

Emotional Nutcase: (n) one who cannot react to situations appropriately; one who is prone to crying and fits of feeling inadequate

Of all definitions I can have with my name, this is the most recently appropriate. Isn’t that unfortunate? But alas, on K Love today, I heard…

“Fall Apart” by Josh Wilson.

…Now it all seems upside down.
Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then.
I cannot come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need.
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts:
I find You when I fall apart.
I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass.
But maybe this is the best thing
That has ever happened to me.

The mission trip to Old Harbor is coming up. I’m accompanying the youth with two married couples and three or four little kids. And I am excited. This will be my first trip since India, where everything changed. There was a newness on that trip: a new way of relating to God, of knowing Him and hearing from Him. It was… indescribable. This will also be my first time in an Alaska Native Village and I think it will be an interesting and challenging time… from what I hear, at least. One week. We leave in one week, first for a six hour car ride, then a ten hour ferry ride, then a plane trip. Gotta love Alaska travel.

I interviewed at an elementary school in Anchorage. They have no openings but are anticipating some. Waiting game. I do have a (non-teaching) job lined up for the fall. And I’m thinking: do I even WANT to teach? Am I ready for it? Can I handle my own classroom? This job that I’ve been offered, I would learn skills that could better prepare me for a classroom of my own one day – but if I take it, will I ever get my own classroom? Really?

I am nearly done with my hooded crocheted sweater. It’s blue. And cuddly.

I found a brown leaf today on our deck table. It’s JUNE. What’s the deal? We had a party together:





My bike and I went on a wonderful ride together yesterday, about 10 miles. I stopped at a fellow teacher’s house and blew my nose before visiting with them for a few minutes. Bike riding? How did I like for about 10 years without this?! What a time to enjoy God’s creation and empty my mind! It’s like… mobile meditation. Haha. I got my new helmet in the mail and really like it. Incidentally, the new shorts I just bought match it perfectly. I’m like a little bike model.

Call your shrink. Call the National Guard. Call your priest. Call me when you’re over it.

The Song.

The Song of Solomon 2:15 "Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom."

I've been thinking lately. Life is NOT going as I planned. Jobs for the fall fall through; relationships take more work that I anticipated; summer plans turn up empty. And yet, my relationship with the Lord could be in full bloom if I let it. Instead, I am allowing these foxes to come in and spoil my vineyard. They are digging holes of doubt, eating off leaves of submission, leaving pride and self-centeredness in their wake. Destruction and emotions and confusion. And not just in my relationship with God, but in my relationship with others.

When did the foxes get in and how do I get rid of them? 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We...take every thought captive to obey Christ."

The Song of Solomon 3:2 "I will seek him whom my soul loves..."

I believe that my soul is the part of me that will live forever with the Lord in heaven. My spiritual part, according to Webster. So what control do I have over who my soul loves? I'm called to love with Lord with all my heart and mind and body and soul... but do or will I love one certain man with my soul, too?

The Song of Solomon 4:9 "You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace."

Reading this verse in church on Sunday, I was... shocked. As in, I almost started crying. Me. I am captivating. It hit me hard this time, on a day when I was hurt and not feeling desired or beautiful or lovely or - in the least bit! - captivating. But one look. One look at the Lord of the Universe and HE is captivated.

Captivate: to fascinate

Wow. Fascinated. Can't take His eyes off me. Made powerless by a look or presence.

And yet, when I am in His presence, that's how I feel. Powerless by Him. Fascinated. Like I don't want to be anywhere but there, bowed at His feet, prostrate in worship. How could I not love Him? How could I let foxes into the vineyard? Why would I want to love anyone else with my soul but Him?

Reading through The Song of Solomon again is so nice - so challenging and eye-opening. Seeing how the man and woman talk to and about one another... what a challenge! They never mention anything negative; no "Your Mother is crazy!" "I can't believe you said THAT to me!" "You forgot to fill-in-the-blank again!" Nope. Never. They are all positive. They bring out the best in one another, pointing out both the physical, and the internal purity and strength.

When I am angry or confused at God, when I feel like I've fallen from grace, it's so much easier to nit-pick at the things I think are wrong. But what if - what if - for thirty days, I spent thirty minutes a day worshiping? Not asking for anything, not seeking my own gain, but in worship. Real worship. And learning, over the next thirty days, what real worship really is. Different kinds of worship. Would my focus change? How would my relationship with the Lord change? Would I feel a need for Him again? A need to be in His presence? Would I get rid of the foxes? Fall more in love with Him in my soul? Would we both be more captivated? Captivated.

On repeat: "Times" by Tenth Avenue North

To The Last Person I Kissed.

Ha, hey Chris.
I wonder how many of these letters will be to you by the end of this all.

I joked the other day that I was going to buy red lipstick and wear it on our Valentine's Date, but then people would know if we kissed. Mom said, "You better not be kissing!" Oh, Mom.

By the time my parents were a year and a half into their relationship, they'd already been married for about 8 months. But heaven forbid we kiss! How funny.

13 months. Love, love, love.
Thanks for that. It's special.

Sleep well tonight. Dream big, but not soo big that it keeps you awake all night. Dream happy, not sad or angry.

This could turn quite scandalous in an instant. This is a rather scandalous letter topic to begin with, dear. What am I supposed to say?:
"OH MY GOSH! You are the BEST kisser ever! I melt every time out lips meet." OR
"Eh, you're pretty good... but try some chapstick next time. Your lips are kind of flaky." OR
"I could kiss you everyday and never be sick of it." OR
"Sometimes I am so happy when we kiss that I can't stop smiling; that tends to interrupt the kissing process."

Haha.

Love,
The One Who Wants To Be Your Last First Kiss.

To Someone That Pesters My Mind - Good Or Bad.

You.
Chris.
You are always on my mind: first thing when I wake up, right before I fall asleep, and often in-between.

The song is fairly sad. My thoughts about you are not.

Often they leave me with that same old ridiculous, huge, goofy grin on my face.
I hope I never get over it. And I hope you never get over it, too.

The times we spend just sitting together, on a couch or on my bed, are so wonderful. So... perfect. I want those moments with you forever.

Love,
Melissa

You're Beautiful. Phil Wickham.

It. Is. Beautiful. Outside.

I have been wearing shorts after school for the last 3 days. Today I took a nap outside in the hammock. Maybe Oklahoma's not so bad. Ha - I finally realize that, four years later.

The trees are starting to bud.
Flowers are opening up.
The cat is pregnant.

Love is in the air.
Beauty is in the air.



I've probably listened to this song about 200 times (literally) in the last month. I can't help it. So I'm sorry if this is redundant. It's what I've been thinking about. Beauty. Sacrifice. Forgiveness. Bride. Chosen. Sanctification. Kindness. Work Ethics. Love. LOVE.

Love and laughter and life and and and...

I Will Wait For You There. Phil Wickham.

I think I'm ready. Ready to be Mary rather than Martha. Ready to shut up and sit at Your feet, humbly just being with You. God, I'm sick of searching for Your will. I've been more concerned with that than becoming more like You. But at the same time, Lord, I don't know that I'm ready. Am I ready to follow Your leading?

I'm scared. And I know that You bring peace, assurance, and truth. You are Peace, Assurance, and Truth. But God...

But God...

What if I fail?
What if I lose?
What if I achieve nothing for Your kingdom?
What if nothing I do points to You?

God, the What ifs are making me scared. I don't want to focus on them anymore. But sometimes I feel overwhelmed by them. Instead, can I be overwhelmed by You?

Two Weeks In Africa. Caedmon's Call.

I was that girl.

You Are God. Charlie Hall.

You're closer than our troubles
More present than any danger
More grand than gold and silver
You are God, You are God

You're the joy of man's desire
You are Father, Satisfier
We are stunned with wide-eyed wonder
You are God, You are God

You fill our hearts with love and faith
You fight for us, You make us brave
You are God, You are God.
You walk with us, You lead us on
Faith, hope and love wakes up with dawn
You are God, You are God


Thinking last night about how God fights for me. He fought for me. He fought satan for my soul, for my life, and He fought with the most powerful thing in the world:

Love.

God fought with love, with love crucified on a cross, and because of that, I live. Because of that, I am brave. Because of that, I know Him and can approach Him freely, at any time, in any place, undeniably His daughter.

I don't think satan was expecting to lose to or through love. The only love he knows is distorted, selfish, evil. That love does nothing for others. But God's love - legit love - changes things.

It changed me.

Porcelain.

This music makes me feel... kind of alone and vulnerable, but also capable. Strong. Able to do and be more than I was before. It makes me feel like traveling quickly down an incline plane, the wind rushing past me as I contemplate... everything. Life. Words. The meaning. <> And trees and death and truly living and the difference between it all.

It's called "Missing Piece Number One" by Roger Eno.

So many ways to interpret that. Missing: Piece Number One. [I'm] Missing Piece Number One. Missing Piece - Number One. So many meanings... which one is true?

I haven't decided if it matters or not.

It makes me want to take pictures, epic ones, ones that make people stop and think and just BE for a minute or two. That doesn't happen often enough in this crazy, busy, wonderful, scary world. I don't do that often enough. Just sitting at Braum's with favorite people made me antsy. Made me want to get up and move - do something - go somewhere - be someone.

The new Bible Study, "What Do You Do With Your Wait?", makes me think it's okay to wait. I know it's okay to wait. But seeing - Biblically - why waiting is fine and good and a learning experience is really interesting. Challenging. God's been doing a lot of that challenging stuff lately.

A Favorite: "Release" by Helen Jane Long.

Ironic. Porcelain. Breakable. Nothing can be fixed if it isn't broken first. Nothing can be born unless something dies.

Sidewalk Prophets. The Words I Would Say.

Welcome Week was so much fun.
- Move-In Day, hauling girls' belongings up flights of stairs for them. "We Love 4th Floor! We Love 4th Floor! We Love 4th Floor!"
- Run-In, dressed as a ballerina. Setting a new school record: 34 minutes.
- Meeting our Tri-W group. Love them. All so much fun, so sweet.
- Book Discussions with Dr. Faught. Discussing how I've changed since freshman year, when I had him for New Testament.
- New Student Simulation. We got 2nd place. Ha. Everyone did who didn't win.
- Serve Shawnee. Awesome group painting downtown, talking about people from home, trips over the summer, and God.
- Unity Gathering. Wind blowing candles out, and people flocking to the light. So perfect.
- Ka-Rip Wars: GO KHAKI!!
- The Walk. Man. Crazy that this is my last year to watch the freshman walk, unless I am a creeper in the future. I will be taking that walk again this spring, in my cap and gown.

Senior.
Melissa J. Krauss, Senior.
I don't know how I feel about that. It's a little scary.
I feel... contemplative. My stomach is in knots, and I'm not sure why.

I will never be the same. It will never again be this moment, this time in history, this hour of this day of this month in this year. Never. I'm trying to learn to live in the moment, to embrace where I am whenever I am there, to live with no regrets, not looking back or focusing on the future, but being content where I am, when I am there. You know?

It's been a "Twilight" soundtrack kind of day. Quite nice, really.

Breathe. Taylor Swift.

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

What Do I Know Of Holy?

I should not be blogging. I have a rough draft research report due tomorrow, and my lab partners' grades depend on my work. I have a tutor/parent/child conference tomorrow and am not prepared for it. I have a quiz identifying different trees tomorrow also. And my arm hurts.

It isn't fractured, by the way, according to the orthopedic doctor here in Shawnee. But they still want me to go back in two weeks for more x-rays.

Alas.

Monica and I traded iTunes Sunday night, and one of the songs I picked was "What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road. Beautiful.

A Little More. Skillet.

Once again, the band Skillet makes my heart sing.