Sadie Hawkins Dance, In My Khaki Pants...

I listened to Relient K last night.
It's like I have a love/hate relationship with them.
I love them, but sometimes I go for a long time without listening to them...then I do, and it's like I fall in love with them again.

Last night was like that.

I listened to "Sadie Hawkins Dance" and it reminded me of when we made the music video at Christina's party.

Colony is having a Sadie Hawkins Dance. I'm jealous. I wish we had had one. Although...I don't know if I would have asked anyone anyway. Well, we did ask Cody and Chris to prom...but that wasn't like a DATE...at all.

I don't think I would have asked anyone, but I think I would have regretted not asking anyone.

Too bad we don't dance at OBU - we FUNCTION.

Wow, this is my 301st post.

This Is...

This is my friend. I've known her since 2nd grade. We played with Barbies and American Girl Dolls and mini-Cabbage Patch Dolls. Then we talked about boys and really important stuff. She knows a lot about more. More than most people.

This is another friend. I've known her since...middle school. But I don't actually remember meeting her. Somehow we just WERE. She likes music and we went to concerts together in high school. Our houses are a lot alike.

This is another friend. She likes to boogey and dance like a Gangster. She's a lot more outdoorsy than me but we like to kayak sled together. I don't remember meeting her either. We just were. We did a science project together in like 7th grade.

This is another friend. He eats hair sometimes, but we like him anyway. He knows about 80s and 90s TV shows. And he likes to cheat at Clue, too. The V-Ho is our "special place" and he likes my cool trapper hat.

And this is my boyfriend. I love him. We met at lunch one day. He came and sat by me. Then he turned me down when I asked him out on a TWIRP date. Last night we looked at the stars before we prayed. There was a deer in the woods and it scared me. He's meeting my family this Christmas, and I'm scared for him.

Themes.

I have themes in my life right now.

What are they?

Forgiveness.
Dealing with bitterness.
Hurt.

There has never been anything this prevalent in my life before.

I've talked to a lot of girls in the last four of five days that have been hurt and don't want to forgive or can't forgive. It's interesting.

Funny how you never know what someone's gone through in their life until you take the time to talk to them, to ask, to get to know what's REALLY behind their face.

All Is Well...Well, Kind Of.

I'm excited about the way things are going.

My time at home was fantastic. Exactly what I needed to get through the rest of the semester. I saw my brothers in Seattle, which was a huge blessing too.

And now, one more week of classes, then finals.
I can't beleive how fast this semester has gone.
I can't believe how fast this whole YEAR has gone.

It's the first day of the last month of 2007.
It's Rochelle's birthday.
It's expensive sandwich day with Kim at Benedict Street.
It's Hanging of the Green and the CAB/ARA banquet.

I have a lot to do - lots of reading - but it's okay. I'm excited to read Milton's "Paradise Lost". I think it'll be good.

I finally found jeans that are long enough, so I bought (well, Mom bought) me three pairs from AMerican Eagle. They're fantastic.

Cora was at Mission Center last night, and she LOVED her Christmas present and card, which was good. We talked for a while, and I gave her a hug and told her I love her and that I'll miss her. Because I do and I will. Mom didn't understand why I wanted to give her a present even though she hurt me so much, but...I still love her. She's still my friend.

How many times do we hurt God and He always blesses us and loves us anyway?

Also, I love curly hair. A lot.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I like to just sit in my room with the door closed and no music on and the lights off, not to forget the world is out there, but to remember that there is a world inside of me.

A world of fear and disappointment, but also a world of hope and yearning and life and love. It's a world where I am free to do and be and say what I want. It's a world where no one's opinions matter because mine and God's are the only opinions present.

I like to forget who I am - a sister, a daughter, a best friend, a girl friend, an RA, an Awana leader, a mission center volunteer. I like to forget those things and just be me sometimes. The me without the labels attached.

Overwhelmed By The Beauty Of God.

Hall Bible Study was good for me last night. Granted, only two girls came out of the 19 on my hall, but that's okay. I love those two girls - they are so dedicated and so encouraging to me.

I didn't really know what we were going to talk about until about, oh, 7:30 pm - half an hour before Bible Study started. But I was praying, and God just put worship on my heart. So I found some verses, then decided that I needed to worship. So I got my guitar out and played for a good 20 minutes for the first time in a while.

We studied Psalm 95:1-7

In the Message it says:
"Come, let's shout praises to God, raise the roof for the Rock who saved us! Let's march into His presence singing praises, lifting the rafters with our hymns! And why? Because God is the best, High King over all the gods. In one hand He holds deep caves and caverns, in the other hand grasps the high mountains. He made Ocean - He owns it! His hand sculpted the earth! So come, let us worship: bow down before Him, on your knees before God, who made us! Oh yes, He's our God, and we're the people He pastures, the flock He feeds. Drop everything and listen..."


I love that. I love it.
It shows that worship is not a passive thing. It's so active - shouting, raising roofs, marching, singing, lifting the rafters. This is so joy and spirit filled, it's amazing. And yet... when was the last time I worshiped like that?
It shows why to worship God...because He holds the lowest and the highest points in His hands. Because He made the ocean, the earth, and us! And for the God who made me to enjoy the fact that He made me is kind of cool.

Worship isn't something we always FEEL like doing. You know? Sometimes you're in such a bad mood and just want to sulk and be miserable that you don't WANT to feel better and you know that by praising God, you will feel better...so you don't want to. Even though God deserves our praise 24/7.

In a book I have called "I Believe", there is a page or two dedicated to worship and it has a quote from Matt Redman, author of "The Unquenchable Worshipper". It says:

"Sometimes it comes down to a simple choice. We may be hard-pressed on every side, weary and not able to sense God. But then a choice faces us - to fix our eyes on the circumstances or to cling to God and choose to worship Him even when it hurts. The heart of God loves the offerings of a persevering worshipper. Though overwhelmed by many troubles, they are even more overwhelmed by the beauty of God."

I love that.
"Though overwhelmed by many troubles, they are even more overwhelmed by the beauty of God."

I want to be overwhelmed by Him beauty.
I want it to be more about Him and less about me.
I want to be a light - His light - declaring His glory.
I want to be a persevering worshipper.

The Older I Get...

This weekend is much appreciated. You have no idea.
It's been a freakishly long week.

I had what could have been a really awkward conversation today but it wasn't.

Being an RA is hard. It's hard not to be involved emotionally in conflicts and such. Especially when you have good advice and they don't take it.

12 Days
12 Days
12 Days

Phew.

12 Days

I can't wait to walk out of security and see my Mom.
I'm going to call her right now.
Yay. I love my mom.
The older I get, the more I appreciate her.
At my meeting with Jessica today, she asked what my favorite thing about myself was. And I seriously could NOT come up with anything. At all. I couldn't think of my favorite thing about myself...or anything I liked about myself at all. Then she asked me what my favorite thing about my Mom was and that was so easy. I love how my Mom is so giving and loving. I love how she cares about my day, how she says that when I go to school, one of the things she misses most is how I can't tell her everything about my day. I love how she balances out my Dad and how she just LOVES.

Those are my favorite things about my Mom.

But what ARE my favorite things about myself?

I'm Going Home.

I go home in...12 days.

Would it be bad to start packing now?

Sometimes I Feel Beat Up.

A List of Blessings from a Hard and Trying Week:

1. The Bible Study Monday night about encouragement.
2. The writings on my board:
3. The flowers and fudge Mom and Dad sent me:



4. Designing a dream wedding with Ambyer
5. Buying plaid shoes at Wal Mart for $7.00:
6. Adding to my wall of cards:
7. My Halloween present from Sara:
8. Talking to my girls for a long time and feeling like I actually HELPED
9. Writing encouraging notes to Kim this week
10. Talking to Jessica for an hour today
11. Getting pictures from Heather - of me and a leaf, and me in Alaska
12. Counting down to getting to go home!
13. The grade on my Civ exam:
...especially when the class average was 75% :)
14. Josh hugging me goodbye after my observation and wanting me to read with him next week.
15. Helping Challen read and seeing him improve in one sitting.
16. Knowing it's okay to cry in front of Shaun.
17. The weather turning colder.
18. My science teacher telling us about the baby boy his wife is having.
19. Getting Jade's birthday present!

Love You.

We watched "Stranger than Fiction" last night, and the last song of the credits...I really like it.

It's called "Love You" by The Free Design.
http://www.myspace.com/design4free

Lyrics:
Give a little time for the child within you,
don’t be afraid to be young and free.
Undo the locks and throw away the keys
and take off your shoes and socks, and run you.
La, la, la...

Give a little time for the child within you,
don’t be afraid to be young and free.
Undo the locks and throw away the keys
and take off your shoes and socks, and run you.
La, la, la...

Run through the meadow and scare up the milking cows
Run down the beach kicking clouds of sand
Walk a windy weather day, feel your face blow away
Stop and listen: Love you.

Roll like a circus clown, put away your circus frown
Ride on a roller coaster upside down
Waltzing Matilda, Carey loves a kinkatchoo
Joey catch a kangaroo, hug you.

Dandylion, milkweed, silky on a sunny sky
Reach out and hitch a ride and float on by
Balloons down below catching colors of the rainbow
red, blue and yellow-green: I love you.

Bicycles, tricycles, ice cream candy
Lollypops, popsicles, licorice sticks
Solomon Grundy, Raggedy Andy
Tweedledum and Tweedledee, home free.

Cowboys and Indians, puppydogs and sandpails
Beachballs and baseballs and basketballs, too.
I love forget-me-nots, fluffernutters, sugarpops
I’ll hug you and kiss you and love you
La, la, la... Love you.


Yay.
Much love for it right now.

Home Sick.

I want to go home...
to my family.
to my room.
to my friends.
to everything familiar.

I want to go home...
despite not working.
despite missing classes.
despite not seeing OBU people.
despite everything.

I've never wanted to go home this badly.

I want to hug my Mom.
I want to hold m Dad's hand when we pray at dinner.
I want to have a sleepover with Hannah.
I want to go to IHOP with Kristina.
I want to V-Ho it.

Why is it so hard this year?

I'm sitting here... in Shaun's living room... with his Mom and sister in bed, and Shaun and Roy playing computer games in the computer room... and I'm *THIS* close to crying and no one even knows. Except for Jonathan who saw it on my facebook status.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things....

My Favorite Things:


Me and Shaun dancing:


Kim and me on 80s night:


My dresser:


My Mommy:


My Daddy:


Crabbing in Florida:


Kayaking with Morgan:


My Sisters:


The mountains:


The train in Hatchers:


Hubcaps:


Notes at Portage Glacier:

Comatose.

I don't know how I feel tonight.
Kind of... off.

Sad. A little lonely.
My stomach feels weird, not sick weird, just weird.

This is it.
This is how I feel.


"Comatose" by Skillet

I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of
Is waking to You
Tell me that You will listen
You're touch is what I'm missing
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing You
Comatose
I'll never wake up without and overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I hate living without You
Dead wrong to ever doubt You
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore You
Oh how I thirst for You
Oh how I need You
Comatose
I'll never wake up without and overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel You next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
Breathing life
Waking up
My eyes open up
Comatose
I'll never wake up without and overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel You next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I adore You
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I thirst for You
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I adore You
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real

The Perils Of Mission Center.

So, MIssion Center Friday night...

SO GOOD.

When we picked up Kathleen, she had just gotten up from a nap, so I started carrying her. Like 15 minutes into me carrying her, Amy says, "Kathleen, you have something in your hair..." and she goes to pull it out, but it won't come out. And Amy turns to me and says, "Melissa, I think she has lice."

So then, later, we're at Mission Center, and this little girl is sitting on my lap, and she stands up...and there are two wet spots on my lap. She PEED in my lap. No joke. SO GROSS.

But then...Amanda came in and said, "Melissa, Tink is here and she's looking for you!" So I run outside and Tink sees me, and she runs up and gives me a huge hug, and it was so cool. She hadn't been at her house when we stopped by, but she had come to the mission and...it was just cool. We hung out the rest of the night, just talking and such. It was SO good. Then we walked her home and talked to her outside her house for a while.

And I don't know, but I can't explain how much it meant to have her be so excited to see me.

So we get back to Shawnee after Mission Center and Laura, Shaun and I go to Walmart and I buy lice shampoo and wash my hair, and have people check my scalp, and so far everything is good. Then today I went to the nurse and she looked all over my head and said that my hair is beautiful and my scalp looks amazing and there is NO way I have lice. Yay!

Not-So HAPPY WEDNESDAY.

Today is HAPPY WEDNESDAY.

But it is not, in fact, a very HAPPY WEDNESDAY.
I don't know why.
I'm just not feeling it.

I know, I know.
It's HAPPY WEDNESDAY.
I have to make it a HAPPY WEDNESDAY.

But part of me doesn't even want to.

I kind of just want to cry.
To crawl into my bed and cry.
And then have someone come and sit and hold my hand while I cry.
But... that isn't going to happen.

Let's waste time.
Chasing cars.

I miss my home.
I miss my Mom and Dad.
I miss my cat and my dog.
I miss walking in my front door at home, the new front door, on the new front porch that isn't done yet, with the new interior that isn't done either.

I miss my life at home.

I miss working with Cody and Azzy.
I miss eating lunch with my Mom.
I miss shooting with my Dad.
I miss just talking to my Mom everyday.

I miss my church family, I miss not being a part of what's going on at home.
I miss being in the youth group, being one of the kids.

I want to go home.

I never felt like this last year.
Last year, I was so excited to be on my own, to be away from home, to be ME, not my parents' kid. But now...I guess the novelty is gone and I'm done.
I won't go home home again until next summer.
I won't see the green carpet in my room and my blue walls until I'm almost 20.
I won't see Molly until then, or my thimbles, or my Hope Chest.

I'm home-sick for the one of the first times since I came to Oklahoma.

I Really Like Cemeteries - Is That Weird?

Oh gosh.

TWIRP date tonight

I got the brilliant idea that we should go to Eskimo Joe's in Stillwater. So I find the directions on how to get there, and Shaun and I leave around 5:00.

We go to Wal Mart so we can get gas before heading out, but as we're driving down the road in front of Wal Mart and the mall, the car two cars in front of us swerves and hits the person in the other lane. So we pull over, the car in front of us stops to make sure everyone is okay and we call 911. Fifteen minutes later, the cops show up...but Shaun spends the next 45 minutes directing traffic. No joke. (Everyone involved in the accident was fine, by the way)

Finally we get on the road, an hour later than planned.

We drive to Stillwater, but turns out that not only are my directions bad, but there was an OSU game. Of course.

Everywhere we look there are people in orange, walking down the road, standing outside of restaurants, waiting to get in. It was like orange mayhem.

And we can not find the restaurant. We turn down random roads for like 15 minutes before finally stopping and asking where to go. The lady who gives us directions just laughs because...

Eskimo Joe's was packed with the color orange. Everywhere you looked there was someone with an orange shirt or orange pants or orange ANYTHING. Meanwhile, Shaun had on black and I was wearing a tan skirt and a pink shirt. We stood out like a sore thumb. Not only that, but it Was open seating, so it was like a free-for-all in there...like all of the animals had been let out of the zoo. There was NO way we would be able to find a table.

So we decide to go to Mexico Joe's. Yes, Mexico Joe's. And it is the same way. So we try Red Lobster...and there is again orange everywhere. People were waiting for table outside, waiting inside, it was crazy.

By this time I'm about to cry, thinking I completely anhialated our date...thinking he thinks I'm dumb, that this was a totally lame idea.

Finally we just go to Chick-Fil-A...but we were again one the only people in there without OSU orange stuff on. Kind of awkward and embarassing. So yes, we drove over 100 miles to eat at Chick-Fil-A. Oh my word. It was so... I don't even know.

It was horrible at the time, embarassing, every negative fill in the blank word you can think of. Now, it's mostly just funny. Who would have thought there would be an OSU game on the same night of our Twirp date and that we would get there to eat at the exact same time as everyone who had just seen the game? Well, God knew. He held us up at the traffic accident for a reason. Maybe we would have gotten food poisening at Eskimo Joe's tonight. I don't know.

Instead, we got to talk a lot (mostly about cemeteries and how I think love can change the world - if that's not hippie sounding, I don't know what is) and we now have a date story we'll never forget.

Unfortunately.

Oh Gosh.

And They Call Me Happy Go Lucky

Mm...

I want it to rain and turn cold.
In that order.
I want it to be hat and coat weather, because I like that weather.

Last night was 80s movie night with my hall. We went and saw "Hairspray"
Here's a picture of me and some of the girls.



One of them (Kelly - she's not in this picture) said that I look like an 80s supermodel because of my shoes. I actually really liked my outfit...it was fun. We went to Braum's and then the movies then Wal Mart....

...and I bought some really cute new shoes for like $4.50. It was exciting.

I took a nap this afternoon and worked on Civ and studied for my Intro to Exceptional Child test that I have on Wednesday. I have more homework that needs to be done still, but I'm going to the library with Shaun later.

Love is in the house and the house is packed...

I want to do something exciting...
Like go hiking or something..
Like go to 6 Flags.

I have to take care of my pay check from last week.

Wow, 6 Flags is EXPENSIVE....like $50.00 just to get in. I really wanted to go for our 1 year anniversary...but... we're both poor college kids, so that probably won't happen.

I'm doing an Old Navy survey so that I get 10% off next time I go there.

Okay. Well.
That's all for now.

Update.

First Civ test done. Phew.
I wrote until halfway down the last page and included Parker's Olive Garden coloring menu and apparently Dr. Sanders laughed and said it was a pleasant surprise. :)

I start obvservations on Thursday. I'm nervous. Seriously.

Flag football was last night. We lost. We're in A League and the girls on the other team were seriously HUGE. We had four or five girls get hurt. It was so cold. I had on my OBU sweatpants up until I went onto the field and a coat and everything.

I can't type. I keep hitting wrong keys and too many keys.

I'm in charge of craft this week at Mission Center. No idea what I'm going to do. What kind of craft do you make with inter-city kids who know more about drugs and alcohol and gangs than they do about Jesus?

I am so blessed.

Brad comes home this week from Iraq. I am so excited, even though I might not see him until Christmas. I hope he finds a way to come to Oklahoma and visit me. Maybe I'll take him out to coffee so we can talk...about lots of stuff. I can't wait to see him again.

I watched "Saved by the Bell" a lot the last few days. I'm done with season three and will start season four next. And I slept for over an hour...while my clothes were washing and drying downstairs. It was beautiful. I love naps.

I need self-discipline and self-restraint. The girls laughed at me when I said that in staff meeting yesterday.

Esther Is My Hero.

It amazes me how God confirms things in my life.

I was leaving Wood today, and ran into a couple that goes to my church here in Oklahoma. They have some kids that were in my AWANAS class last semester. Apparently Shaun and I are the only college kids whose names they actually know. And all summer they talked about how they hoped I was coming back this year because they really liked me and thought I was funny.

I'm reading through Esther now, and last night I read the verse that says "Who knows? Maybe you were made queen for just such a time as this." Maybe I'm here...at OBU...this semester...at Calvary Baptist Church leading AWANAS...because God has something He wants me to do. And okay, some people may be like, "DUH!" but... maybe it's true.

I called my Mom last night and talked to her about this semester and she encouraged me and it was nice. Then she sent me an e-mail that had an encouraging word in it for me. And that was nice, too.

God IS in control.
He DOES know what He is doing.
He HAS gifted me and is preparing me for what He wants me to do.

I heard from someone somewhere that were your greatest passion and the world's greatest needs collide, that's where God's will is.

My greatest passion is teaching.
And I know the world needs good teachers.
So there you go.

Welcome To My World.

Sophomore Year: Day Two.

Already freaking out.
I've only been to three classes, and I don't know how I'm going to manage them all. Seriously. I know, I know.... "You'll do fine, Melissa..." but that's not how it seems right now.

I just want to make my parents proud - to make God proud - and my brothers and myself, too. Is that so bad? I just want to be successful at what I do. I want to excel.

I had my first EDUCATION class today.
ANd okay, who am I kidding?
Who do I think I am?
How I can I be in charge of teaching children - of helping mold their intricate and delicate minds?
Seriously?
No way.
I can't do that.

So much this semester. How am I doing to manage?
Work.
Classes.
Church.
RA-ing.
Relationships.
- with God
- with family
- with friends
- with Shaun.

This year is going to make me hurt - mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I can tell already.

Short.

So, over 2 weeks since my last post.

RA Workshop went well. I learned a lot, and am feeling okay about this whole being an RA thing now.
Yesterday was move in day, and I already love my girls. They are all so different...it's be interesting to see how it all works out.

It rained a lot today - the streets were literally flooding. It was scary driving to church this morning. Shaun worked night security, so he had been up since like 8:00 Saturday morning until 7:00 Sunday morning. We ended up skipping Sunday School and he slept through most of the church service. Kind of funny.

I worked my first RA shift at the front desk today. It was...uneventful.

(None)

So, Wow.

I leave the day after tomorrow.

Summer = gone.

Florida Bound.

I leave tonight for Florida.
Don't really know what to expect.
Hot weather. Duh.

I'm a leader. Again, how can I be a leader?

I hope God does something really cool...something I haven't seen before. I know He will. He always surprises me.

Hannah comes in like 2 hours after I do.
Then I'm home for... 12 days or so before heading down to Kansas and Oklahoma.

12 days to get all caught up with my best friend.

My Gun Show.

In high school, we used to walk into the library and look at the computers and make fun of the kids who were on the gaming websites.

But why?
We thought they were nerdy?
We thought it was a waste of their time?
We figured they were loners and antisocial?

How is them playing games any different (or any worse) than reading all the time or watching TV a lot?

It isn't any different, or any worse.

Are they nerdy? People who play and even make video games are intense - most of them are very intelligent. They design their own characters...they do everything for their games.
A waste of their time? If they enjoy it, it isn't a waste of time. That would be like non-Christians saying that reading the Bible is a waste of time to us. Okay, maybe not that extreme. But just because we don't recognize the importance it has in someone else's life does not mean it isn't important.
Loners? Antisocial? Not in the least. People who play video games are learning to be a team with other people - people they don't even know some of the time. They are learning to put their differences behind them so that they can further their clan, the group they play with. How is that antisocial? It isn't.

I always felt a negative connotation towards video games because Jeff played them a LOT growing up and he and I didn't get along. I thought they were stupid wastes of time. But...

Now I am dating a gamer - a boy who loves video games. He could play them for HOURS at a time. And sometimes, he does. But he really enjoys it. It's the same as me watching "Saved By The Bell" for hours on end or reading Harry. And you know what? He is the nicest, sweetest, funniest, godliest guys I have ever met. He's awesome.

So I joined his gaming network thingy. I am now WNxLeult on WarriorNation.net. Why did I join? you may ask. Because this is my gun show.

My Dad loves going to gun shows and I know that while my Mom enjoys them some, they are not her favorite thing to do. I asked her once why she went to them if she didn't enjoy them a lot. And she told me that she goes because my Dad likes them and because she loves my Dad.

It's like, being in a relationship, there is give and take. What's important to m'boy has to be important to me or else we will always be doing our own things and our relationship will be really weak.
And that's dumb.

A Twist.

I love Dove's new ad campaign.
I think I mentioned that once before.

I've had a very "ugly" week - you know, where you just don't feel beautiful, when you spend all of your time focussing on your "bad qualities" and don't think about the good things.
So that got me thinking:


When Do I Feel Beautiful?

When I dance, and shake my hips.
When I laugh.
When Shaun puts his arms around me.
When I'm with my sisters, driving around.
When I look in the mirror, and really smile.
When I worship - REALLY worship - God.
When it rains, and I stand outside in it.
When I dress up.

I do not feel beautiful right now. I feel kind of like a failure.
The worms that feed on the soil are eating my kidneys as we speak.

Pet Peeve.

I hate it - HATE it - when people mention something, then don't bother to explain the rest of the way.

Well, maybe I don't HATE it.
But it really bugs me.

Like, why mention it in the first place if you don't want to explain it? So that the other person will coerce it out of you? That's lame. So that the other person feels guilty that you don't trust them enough to tell them? That's lame, too. o

Note to the world: Don't mention something unless you are going to explain what you mean.

Dude. I'm Bleeding Profusely.

Long time, no post, huh? I know. Crazy

Except, not, because absolutely NOTHING is going on.

Well, okay, obviously some stuff is. But it isn't that exciting.

I miss my peeps.

I'm housesitting right now.
I hope I don't kill the plants.

I saw some pictures of a dead lady at Dad's work the other day. It was gross. Freaked me out when I first saw her, then it was okay. Well, not okay, since she was dead, and I was looking at her. But still.

Dad and I went shooting after work today. I was loading the magazine, and I broke a nail, and in my mind, I was like, "MAN! I broke a nail!" Then I laughed at the irony - it was such a girly thing to do, breaking a nail, but then there I was, loading a gun so that I could shoot it for fun. Made me laugh. I, also, I got a cut slash scrape slash I don't know what to call it on my thumb, and it was bleeding profusely.

Ah. And my arm itches. And now I'm going upstairs.

Million Dollars.

So what would I do with a million dollars?

Help my parents pay off bills and such.
Pay for college!!!
Buy a Jeep Wrangler. =)

Tithe. A lot.

Go to Africa, and maybe London and Italy.
Visit Jade and Hannah and Shaun.
Buy a Chanel purse or flats.

Buy Hannah a lot of awesome bumper stickers.
Buy Kristina a lot of CDs.
Buy Jade a new set of skiis, perhaps.

Buy Shaun a Wii.

Save some to buy a house one day.
With an ottoman.

Ha.

If I Had A Million Dollars

One of my favorite songs right now.


If I Had A Million Dollars
by Barenaked Ladies

If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
I'd buy you a house
(I would buy you a house)
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
I'd buy you furniture for your house
(Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a K-Car
(A nice Reliant automobile)
If I had a million dollars I'd buy your love

If I had a million dollars
I'd build a tree fort in our yard
If I had million dollars
You could help, it wouldn't be that hard
If I had million dollars
Maybe we could put like a little tiny fridge in there somewhere
You know, we could just go up there and hang out
Like open the fridge and stuff
There would already be laid out foods for us
Like little pre-wrapped sausages and things

They have pre-wrapped sausages but they don't have pre-wrapped bacon
Well, can you blame 'em
Uh, yeah

If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a fur coat
(But not a real fur coat that's cruel)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you an exotic pet
(Yep, like a llama or an emu)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you John Merrick's remains
(Ooh, all them crazy elephant bones)
And If I had a million dollars I'd buy your love

If I had a million dollars
We wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I had a million dollars
Now, we'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more
If I had a million dollars
We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner
But we would eat Kraft Dinner
Of course we would, we’d just eat more
And buy really expensive ketchups with it
That’s right, all the fanciest ke... dijon ketchups!
Mmmmmm, Mmmm-Hmmm

If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a green dress
(But not a real green dress, that's cruel)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you some art
(A Picasso or a Garfunkel)
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a monkey
(Haven't you always wanted a monkey)

If I had a million dollars
I’d buy your love

If I had a million dollars, If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars, If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd be rich

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bbRdG30fX8

I Believe I Can Fly.

So, Saturday.

Mom and I went to the parade. I sat in the front seat of my Dad's police car. One of the old cars broke down, and MTR had to come tow them away.

We bought Dad's Father's Day presents - Trees that turn red in the fall, like he's always wanted. He liked them and was presently surprised.

Then...
Kristina and I climbed the Butte.

And it was funny, right off the bat, because Kristina looked really cute in her capris and new top, and I was in my OBU shorts, and an OBU shirt. Made me laugh.
Then we get to the Butte (why is it always THE Butte, and not just Butte?) and can't find the parking lot for the Butte. Then we do.
Also, it's funny how The Butte refers to two different things.

The smallest bill we had was a $5, so I put that in, and we started hiking. And man, it was INTENSE.

Ha.

"You can climb it in like 15 minutes."

"You're doing it Peter, you're doing it."

We made it to the top, with like 1000000 stops along the way. To enjoy the scenery. Cough Cough. Riiiiiight.

Well, we made it to the top, and there was like a million people up there. We saw two. Then one. Then a bajillion. We took exciting pictures at the top. Of hair blowing in the wind, and jumping, and me being a bear, and sitting angrily in flowers, and making grass angels.

Oh, and we frolicked. We wished Jade was there to frolic with us.

It was Peter Pan Day.
We raced to text Hannah.
And we took the hardest way down the Butte possible. We weren't even on a path most of the time.

Then...we went to V-Ho. My first time since January.
SHE was there... haha.
The mints were no good.

We went to Wal Mart, and I danced across the open spot.
We ran from end to end looking for the craft department.
I saw someone I knew kind of.
And we bought...supplies...

To cause massive destruction.
But not.
At all.

So there.

My Peter Pan Day.
May it live in infamy.

Alone In The Garden.

When Judas betrayed Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, all of Jesus' disciples ditched Him.

Did you realize that?

I didn't.
Not until tonight, anyway.

He was alone.
By Himself.
Had no one.

I rely so heavily on my friends - especially Hannah, Jade, Kristina, and Shaun. If I had to go through something as...horrific...as Jesus did, I don't know how I would do it without them.

When Jesus was being beaten, He couldn't look into the crowd around Him for a familiar face, one that He was friends with.

When He was carrying His cross, no one was lined on the streets to encourage Him.

His mother, and several other ladies, were at the cross when He was crucified...but His best friends weren't there.

He had been denied.
Forsaken.
Forgotten.

And still...He pressed on.

That amazes me.

Jesus had so much CRAP piled on Him that He could have totally been like, "You know what, Dad? I give up. This is stupid. Send them all to hell for all I care." But He wasn't like that at all. His love for us, His compassion, overruled all other elements. It overruled His scarred and bleeding back, His aching arms and legs, His heart being torn to shreds by those He cared about.

And what do we do with it?

Well, tonight I read the story out of my Bible and didn't think twice about it. I have grown so accustomed to the story, so hardened to it, almost, that I don't realize the impact it has on my life. I read it, and... that's all. I don't think about the implications, the importance, of it all.

This is what I'm teaching about in VBS tomorrow - Jesus Christ's death and resurrection, and how through that, we can have eternal life.

But for it to be real to the kids, it has to be real to me.
I have to realize that this is a TRUE story.
That Jesus suffered.
That He died.
And that He rose again in victory.

My Birthday.

Today is my birthday.
I am now 19. :)

Today was fun -

friends + family + randomness = :D

Waving flags cuz it's my birthday.
The massaging pillow.
Making that guy who sold the bags sad.
The outhouse.
The hubcap.
And the second matching hubcap.
The whale.
The giant machine.
Gong into every store.
The accent people.
Fitting into every conversation that it's my birthday.
Starting every sentence with "Hey" and having to walk like a bear if you failed to do so.
Falling into the Portage Glacier Water.
Cody losing his shoe.
Kristina getting soaked by a waterfall.
Trying to get free samples...of everything.
The safehouses.
Getting random things from every place we stopped.
Climbing the rocks.
Climbing the waterfall.
Jumping across the waterfall.
Walking to the end of the pier and the picture where it lookslike I'm going to push Cody in the water.
Cody's postcard about Alaska.
The Scientology girl, and the E-Scale freaking out, and Cody witnessing to her.
Telling stories.
Laughing at Kristina's bad windshield wipers.
Getting constant calls from Mom.
"The bathroom is down the ramp and 30 feet behind the building."
The toilets scaring us.
The seatbelt in the middle.
Window racing.
Getting money shoved at us randomly.
The movie in the tunnel.
Wii and satelite TV in the safehouses.
"If you knew the world was going to blow up..."
Kristina disappearing randomly.
Getting soaking wet.
Pictures at Portage Glacier.
"Name that Sound" game.
"Cody, go pretend to be a baby moose."
Ninjas vs. Pirates. (PIRATES ALL THE WAY!!)
Really cool talks on the way back.
Thankfulness for good friends, awesome family, and blessing-filled rainy days.

27 facebook birthday wishes.
Talking to Sydni, Kim, and Christina.

Knowing Is Key.

Did You Know...

I gag when I brush my teeth in the back on top.
My house smells like red licorice.
The chair I'm sitting in swivels.

I cry at realistic ghost stories.
I'm scared of the dark sometimes.

I burned my arm with an iron.

I haven't had my hair cut since like November.
I still really want a Jeep Wrangler.
I tried on moose hats with my grandma.
I'm starting to enjoy running.
I used to bite my nails.

My passion is for Africa.
I can't wait to be married and have a family.
My three best friends are like sisters to me.
My first kiss happened two and a half weeks ago.

I can't wait until Helena comes...
So that I can have some semblance of college here.

My phone has a gangster ring tone.

I laugh at random things.
I'm mean sometimes.
And sarcastic, too.

I made a tye-dye shirt with Helena and Shaun for my old English professor, who is also the guy that Helena and I worked for, who is also Shaun's professor for second semseter.

I just found out today that most of our chickens are gone.
I don't know if we still have a goat or not.
We had a dog named Dusty.
Jeff named Chewie after Chewbacca on Star Wars.
I named Pepper after some kids in a book I was reading when I got her.

I had a water bed when I was four or five.

The Dream Is Over.

I have come to a realization.

Alaska isn't my life anymore.
And that isn't really bad, it's just new.

I mean, I love it here - it's beautiful, with the mountains and the flowers, and the streams and moose and all...but this isn't my life, or even my home. I came back, and everything was the same, but I realized that I am the one who's changed. I'm different. Not in a good or bad way, per say, just different.

I have new experiences, new people in my life, new dreams and hopes and fears. I've grown, intellectually and spiritually, and people here haven't.

It's kind of like a time machine, where I moved ahead, but everyone else stayed in the past.

Nothing is wrong with Alaska not being my life anymore. It's fine if it's other people's lives. But God has called me to something...MORE...than this town. He's called me to people different than those at church. He's called me to a life bigger than Bogard Road, a life bigger than our ktichen table and the V-Ho.

I'm not bragging, like "Oh, God's called me to more than this..." but, well, He has. I mean, I'm just not comfortable here, I guess. Church on Sunday was just awkward. I had a lady ask if that was my first Sunday there.

And I guess in a sense, it was, since I've changed since I was last there, too.

But the people I was close to at church, I'm not anymore.
The Swiharts and Ms. Middendorf were excited to see me. Anna hugged my neck for like 20 mintues and wouldn't let go. But Megan? Maria? Janelle? Not so much.

This isn't my life anymore.
There is more to me than this.

I want to be back at OBU.

One More Day 'Til The Dreams End.

I leave tomorrow.
My room is bare, except for a few random things that I haven't packed yet.
Like my French phrase a day calender
And my box of Nemo tissues
And my bathroom stuff.

And the flowers that Shaun picked at the North 40 for me yesterday.

I'm going to cry. I don't want to leave. Well, I do...but I don't. This is my home now. I love it here. I mean, Alaska is my home, too. But I'm here more than I'm there. I'm so going to miss my friends - Helena, Kim, Vivanna, Jenna, Gina, Tara, Jenni, John, Jonathan, the Matt's, Patrick, Jarrod, and Shaun. And Chae. And my whole French class. And Alana, my new friend.

I'm listening to Yellowcard's "Ocean Avenue" CD right now. For some reason, it really matches my mood today.

Helena and I were supposed to have a photo shoot in the sunrise this morning, but that didn't happen. Not sure why. Oh well. Her parents are now here. I wonder if I'll meet them. She's coming to Alaska in June.

We are going to have so much company this summer. When I get home, my grandparents and a great aunt will be there, then a few days after I get there, another great aunt comes. Then right after that, my parent's friends from California come up, then they'll leave in like June, then Helena comes up. Then Mom and I might go to Arizona, then we're going to CREATION, then I'll be home for like a week and a half with my sisters before I Have to come back down here for RA stuff.

And in between, I'll be working, running, going to IHOP, and just chilling.

It's so sad to look out my window and see people carrying stuff to their cars.

Carp, I hope my bag isn't over 50 pounds.

My Henna.

My friend Kim and I went to Hot Topic...
And bought Henna. :)

I am officially the WMU Third North Henna Tattoo artist. I've given I don't know how many henna tattoos since Saturday.
Here's mine.






Yay

I think that next year, I'm going to have Henna Parties with the girls on my hall, cuz they're fun. :)

And I might get some when I'm home this summer, cuz I like it.
My parents are going to flip out.

Good Life.

Two finals down. Three to go.

Wrote like 8 or 9 pages for my English final.
Pretty sure I rallied my math one.
Good thing, too, since I studied for it for FOUR hours last night in the library.

I'm slowly packing up my room. It looks like a disaster area right now, with papers and clothes everywhere. Pretty cool...

Only a few more days.
Not sure how I feel about going home. It will be nice to not have to do school for three months. But being home? Being away from everyone here?

Next year is going to be completely different. I'll be in charge of a hall. I won't have the 3rd North girls with me. Kim will be around, since she's my networker, and I'll see the other people, but really... I love my hall this year. What if I have bad girls next year? Our hall is tight.

Even though sometimes it seems like I'm on the outside looking in...

I'm going to miss my room. It was my safe haven. The place I came and closed the door and blasted music and just thought. It's where I missed my sisters the most, where I called home, where I watched movies and played my guitar.

Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Cecile are going to be there when I get home. I hope they don't mind if I go out on Monday with Cody and Kristina and hopefully Chris. They might. We might have to reschedule.

They wouldn't buy my psychology book back. Made me sad. Hopefully they'll take my math book. Cross your fingers.

I have my French final in about an hour. And really, I might fail it. I'm not even kidding or trying to get pity points. I really don't know it. It's all about verb tenses and stuff like that. Which, I kind of know...but not really.

I'm listening to the song "Good Life" from the movie What a Girl Wants. :) Makes me happy.

I do have a good life.
I live in a beautiful state
Go to an amazing school
Have the best friend I'd ever need or want
My boyfriend is amazing
Jesus died for me
I'm going home soon
Then I'll be back here in 3 months
I get to see my parents and grandparents
Music makes me smile
It rained on the way to my math final
Then was sunny afterwards
I haven't worn jeans in a LONG time
It's way hot here
We've got the good life.

Also.

People are Ridiculous.
They make me laugh in a sad sort of way.

Au Revoir, Freshman Year.

Can't belive freshman year is almost over.

Seriously?

Where did it go?

Come baaaack...
Come baaaack...
Come baaaack...

It's like I blinked and BAM. It was gone.

Why?

My Buddy Timmy.

I have to read 1 and 2 Timothy and Titus for my New Testament class.
So, I decided to read them from The Message.

I found a copy of The Message on-line. And I love how it reads 1 Timothy:

1 Timothy 2:8-10
Since prayer is at the bottom of all this, what I want mostly is for men to pray—not shaking angry fists at enemies but raising holy hands to God. And I want women to get in there with the men in humility before God, not primping before a mirror or chasing the latest fashions but doing something beautiful for God and becoming beautiful doing it.

I love this passage - women doing something beautiful for God and becoming beautiful doing it...
That's what I want.

Kissing.

Shaun: "So, are you ever going to kiss me?"
Me: "Maybe after six months."
Shaun: "It's been over six months."
Me: "Oh. There you go, then."

I could not determine if I had this conversation or not. Not for the LIFE of me. I thought: Did we talk about this? Did I just think it in my head? Did I dream it?

So I asked Shaun last night if we had talked about kissing at all in the last week or so. And he laughed and said no, and asked why. So I told him. And he called me crazy for not knowing if we had that conversation or not.

Fortune Cookie Always Wrong.

So, today was stir fry day at lunch.
It was good. I'm really full now.

But that isn't the topic of this post.

I got a fortune cookie with my stir fry.
And my fortune said:

"You are the crispy noodle in the
vegetarian salad of life."

I'm not one to believe in fortune cookies, but what does that even MEAN?
Is it good...or bad?
I really don't know.

But I think it's funny, so I'm going to keep it.

Zephaniah 3:17

So I think I have a theme for my hall for next year.

I'm going to do a music theme.
Which, okay, if you knew me, you would be surprised.
I am not all that musically inclined. I can play the guitar, fairly decently, and played the clarinet from 5th grade to 9th grade. I can't really sing, but I love listening to music.

God has really been speaking to me about Zephaniah 3:17 lately, which says:
"The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."

I love - LOVE - the part about how He will rejoice over me with singing.

So I've been thinking.
What does God want to sing over me?
What song does He have for me?
Is it about beauty?
purity?
following Him?
patience?
understanding?
What does the song sound like?
Is it stuff you hear everyday...
Like laughter?
birds chirping?
hearing "I love you"?
people praising Him?
a kind word?
What does it feel like to have God sing over you?
A warm hug?
Somone holding your hand?
That feeling in your stomach that's like a thousand butterflies?
Running until you're utterly exhausted?
Drinking steamers?
Laying down to sleep at night?

I think this is something I want to teach my girls about next year - How God is their savior, One who takes GREAT delight in them, one who quiets them and sings over them.

I get the image of a baby who cries in the middle of the night, so the mom or dad wakes up and gets him or her out of the cradle, and just rocks him or her in their arms and sings a lullaby to the child.
That's what God does.
That's what He wants to do.

So what song does He have for me?
Will I ever learn it?

Gosh Dang It.

Are you kidding me?
That is ridiculous.
She removed me from her friend's list.

Oh my word.
_______________

So last night at church, a little boy that goes to AWANAS invited me to his baseball game today. Well, I'm pretty sure he invited me. Shaun said he didn't. If he didn't invite me to it, he at least told me about it. So I told him I would go. But now, dang, I have so much to do. I'm going, but only for like 15 minutes. Then I'm going to a crepe extravaganza tonight with my french class.

Yes, a crepe extravaganza.
________________

Am writing a paper for English.

Well, "writing".

I'm actually just slacking.
It's due on Wednesday.
I shouldn't be slacking.
________________

I started running with Kim. And yesterday, Helena joined. It's my goal to run two laps around campus (about 2 miles) by the end of the semester, which in like 2 weeks. I'm not quite at a lap yet. Tonight I'll make it to a lap.
I'm going to run everynight except on Thursdays, which is when we have Lifestream. But this is the last week of Lifestream, so next Thursday I can run. 'Twill be good.
________________

Two more weeks, then finals.
Phew.

Lifestream x2.

Lifestream tonight = everything I needed.

Today was...fairly crappy.
Except nix the fairly part.

So Lifestream was great. It was all about going through hard times, and how God gets us through them. The speaker talked about how God refines us - how He holds us right in the heat of things and doesn't move us until He sees His reflection. And I mean, I've heard that before, but tonight...it was good.

We sang a song I had never heard before, about being free, and another one about overcoming. The worship leader talked about how we can be free from anger and stuff.

Good stuff tonight.
So glad I could go.

Peppin.

Conversations.
Interesting things.
So many words spoken but even more things left unsaid.

It's a wonder how someone you've known since 6th grade becomes someone you can talk to about relationships and Jesus and have it not be awkward.

It's cool to have a frienship like that.
Even if it just seems to have fallen out of the sky.
And it's cool how it isn't awkward to talk about the boy I love and the girl he likes.

It's pretty awesome.

Silence.

I really don't have a need to be constantly surrounded by people.

In fact, I spent almost all day by myself. I slept in, and sat outside and read my book for psychology, and ate lunch and dinner by myself. I haven't really talked to anyone all day, except for someone on-line for a while.
It's been nice.

I'm okay with being quite sometimes.

I think I've said this before on here, but during senior year, in Mrs. Lackey's class, we had to write these lines from some poet's work, and the line that I picked said, "Sometimes I get quiet and rarely speak at all."
And...
It's true.

I'm good with silence. Especially when words become superfluous. Because there comes a point when they do.
Silences are only awkward if you make them like that.
I don't think slience was meant to be awkward. I think it became like that because people need noise in their lives. They need to talk and be talked to and have music playing and something in the background. Why? Perhaps to keep them from thinking about things. Maybe they don't like their thoughts. So they try and fill their minds with noise to cover their thoughts up so that they don't have to think.
Why can't people just be quiet sometimes?
Why can't people just be by themselves?
Often, I like nothing better than just being in my room...alone...me and my journal and God.

If you're always talking, you miss something important that people say to you. If you're always listening to something other than silence, you miss the most important things being said.
Like the wind in trees.
Or the steady beat of someone's heart.
Or a car tire on the pavement.
Or the laughter that builds up inside of you when you think about something completely weird and random that happened to you and your best friends a few months ago.

And that's what life's about - the little things, the things that you can't really explain, but you know they are real because they change your life.

That Little Thing.

I am officially an Elementary Education major.
To finish in 4 years, I'm going to have to do a lot of summer school and J-Terms, along with taking a full course load every semester until I graduate. Woot. And if I want to minor in something, I'll have to take even MORE classes.

Let the stress begin.



Cool. :)
It's nice when friends surprise you.
Especially when you don't expect it.
But then you're just talking, and they're like, "Hey..."
Then it has the potential of being really really awkward.
But it doesn't.
And then you end up talking about really cool stuff.

I like that.
A lot.

I Just Believe, I Just Believe It.

So much stress this week. Gosh.

Trying to pick classes for the fall.
I am changing my major to Elementary Education.

The other night, I was writing in my journal, and I was just thinking, "What am I passionate about? What do I really ENJOY doing?" And I realized the next day that I just love teaching. Like, Wednesday nights at AWANAS are my favorite times of my whole week, just teaching the kids random Bible stories and hanging out with them. And VBS - I have so much love for VBS. I always said that I could teach VBS everyday for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy.
I'm really excited about it.

I bombed a math test today, I'm pretty sure. Oh, well. You win some, you lose some.
I have a French test tomorrow, too. Dang.

So much is going on.

We're going camping next weekend. I'm really excited. I just want to be away and be with friends and Jesus and nature for a while. So me and Addi and some other people are going camping. SO STOKED. I've been wanting this for a while.

Room inspections tomorrow - my room isn't clean. Bah.
Walk/Run test today - my best time ever. Nice.
Ultimate Frisbee starts the 30th. I bought a frisbee the other day.

I'm hungry.
I hung pictures on my wall. They're fun.
I'm so tired.

Language Lab tomorrow. WooT. Not.

Good song - "Believe" by the Newsboys.
I like them a lot.
I heard the word "behoove" in one of their songs today - "Belly of a Whale". It made me laugh, since Addi and I learned that word the other day. :)

It's Raining Men.

We have heard the thunder
And we have seen the storm
Echoes of Your kingdom coming
Rumors of our home
One day we will stand before You, Lord
Our altogehter beautiful reward.

I'm so stoked.

So, I'm starting an Ultimate Frisbee team. It'll be good. I have to do one more activity for my concepts of wellness class, so I made an intramural team. We are going to be soooo bad. Not even kidding. Oh well.

I started cleaning my room a few minutes ago.
Then I stopped.

We will lift our voices
WIth Your praises
Jesus, You are our King.

Je vous ai apporte des oeufs chocolat.
I brought you some chocolate eggs.

I need a new raincoat. I want a yellow rubber one...or maybe plaid.

That's The Way It Goes.

Okay, so what has been going on?

Well, Wednesday night, after AWANAS, Shaun and I were hanging out. He was working on editing some bird pictures on my laptop, and we were just talking, and eventually, the topic came up of whether or not he and his ex had kissed. And they did.

Which, okay, I figured they had, since they dated for like 3 years.

But when he told me, I started crying. I don't think he knew that, though, since my head was down and my hair was covering my face. But I don't know. It hurt to think that he's kissed another girl. Not that we've kissed...because we haven't. But it's weird to think that if we DID kiss, his lips would have been on someone else's.

I know that when he kissed her he didn't even know I existed. I know that he didn't think he would break up with her. I know all of that.

But it still hurt.

So then after we prayed, I went inside, and went to Addi's room, and just stood at her door sobbing. And I ended up sleeping in her room on her extra bed.

All day yesterday, I thought about it, and okay, yes, I overreacted. I can chalk part of it up to PMSing, but not all of it. I was genuinely upset. I didn't talk to Shaun all day, and wasn't sure what to say to him when I did talk to him. He didn't come to lunch or dinner, and wasn't on-line all day.

THen he finally called me about going to Lifestream.

So we get in the car, and it is SOOO awkward. You have no idea. We said maybe 10 sentences to eachother the whole 45 minute carride. It was bad.

We talked on the way back a little, but I could tell something else was on his mind...and he finally told me. Apparently he spent all day worrying that I was going to break up with him because of it. So he was stressing out about that, and I was sad about he and the ex.

We got back to campus, and were sitting in his car, and I asked what else was on his mind:

S: "What are we going to do in 3 or 4 years?"
M: "What do you mean?"
S: "Well, we graduate, then what? You go off to Africa, and I stay here?"
M: "You can come with me."
S: "What if I'm not supposed to?"
M: "Then I guess we go our own ways."
S: "I just don't want to waste your time."
M: "So....?"
S: "Should we still be dating?"
M: "I don't know."
S: "I just don't want to waste your time, but I don't want to keep you from doing something God has told you to do, or make you do something God doesn't want you to do. What if you go to Africa forever, and He doesn't call me to go there?"
M: "I don't know if God wants me in Africa forever. Maybe it'll be just a month-long trip, and I'll accomplish what He wanted me to, and I'll come back."
S: "But what if it's for forever?"
M: "Then I don't know."
S: "Do you think we should still be dating?"
M: "I think we need to pray."

So I lead us in a prayer.

S: "What do you think God is telling you?"
M: "I don't know."
S: "Promise?"
M: "Yes. What is God tellig you?"
S: "That we need to still be dating. He made it obvious I was supposed to start dating you, so I guess I'll keep you for a little while longer."
M: "Oh, like another day?"
S: "No, just for now."
M: "Oh, so another minute, then I'm gone?"
S: "No. Nothing made me sadder than thinking that I might have to end this relationship."

So that's what's been going down. I think we're okay now, but this was our first big "issue" if you will. It sucked. I hated not seeing him throughout the day on Thursday. HATED it.

So, I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know. I've given this relationship up to God who knows how many times, but I just have to keep doing it, because I keep taking it back again. I just have to trust God, to believe that He is in control, to have faith that He knows what He is doing.

Shaun also said that he figured God would clue him in to his future in the next few years. If he doesn't have a heart for Africa or missions, he's not the one for me. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

It makes me sad to think that.

I love him.

...

So, don't really feel like writing.

My heart is kind of heavy.
My stomach is in lots of little bity knots.
I don't like it.

AWANAS last night was A-mazing. I love AWANAS. Kacy and Collin and Alex are my favorites. I have thank you cards on my wall from K and C. I'm going to go to C's band concert and wear a shirt with his name on it, possibly. :) I lead the lesson every week. Yesterday's was about Ehud and King Eglon. It was so much fun to teach. Most of them knew the story, which surprised me a lot.

T'was an interesting night for conversation last night. I sooo don't want to talk about it. At all.

Gah.

Beauty Redefined.

Kalan Porter
"True Colours"

You with those sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Though I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it
And that darkness inside you makes you feel so small

But I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful like a rainbow

Show me your smile
Don't be unhappy
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up because you know I'll be there

And I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful
Like a rainbow

You're beautiful
I see your true colors
Just remember
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up because you know I'll be there

And I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful
Beautiful
Like a rainbow
Like a rainbow

You're beautiful

Your true colors are beautiful


So Dove has started this new compaign focused on and designed to show women how beautiful they are. I found the website, and fell in love with what they are doing. This song was playing in the background of one of their videos, and I love the lyrics.

This is something I'm passionate about. I know I don't always believe I am beautiful, but I'm trying. There are girls everywhere who don't believe they are beautiful, and they are.

(None)

6 Months.

Wow.

Ooh, A Butterfly...

Addi: "Have you ever been checked for ADHD?"
Me: "No..."
Addi: "Oh, cuz I googled it, and it could so be your homepage."
Me: "You think I have ADHD?"
Addi: "Yeah. I talked to my Mom about it -"
Me: "YOU TALKED TO YOUR MOM ABOUT IT?"
Addi: "Yeah...and she agreed."

So, Addi thinks I have ADHD. She said it's a "chemical imbalance". Hm. Jeff had ADD when he was younger. Maybe I hide mine better than him.

If I do have ADHD, will I have to take medicine? Will I be a freak? Will people laugh at me? JK.

We checked the symptons, and um, yeah. I fit almost all of them. Great.

Sadie Hawkin's Dance.

Me, excited for RK.
The stage is set....
I love those guys.
Mmhmm.
Matty T and his boys.

Matty.
<3
Look, he's singing to me!
You play that guitar!
Matty T. makes my heart flutter. Not really. But okay.

So, at one point during their set, Relient K had a "singalong". SO they brought out this fake campfire, and Matty led everyone in singing a song. And Matty T. put on a grass skirt and a coconut bra. Pretty funny. I laughed.

I videoed all of "Sadie Hawkin's Dance" - mostly because of our music video, but also because that's kind of what Kristina and I did with Cody and Chris for prom. We asked them. And while there was no air guitar, it was still Sadie-Hawkins-Dance ish.

I'm glad we're friends with them.

Me Weekend.

So, wow.

Good
Busy
Fun
Tiring
Relaxing
Stressful week/weekend.

Thursday:
Relient K concert = amazing. So much fun.
Run Kid Run was first. They were okay. OBviously not the best.
Sherwood was next. They had the coolest keyboard player/dancer ever. He had blonde hair and just danced around a lot. At one point, he had a mega-phone.
The Wedding was third. They were trying to be hard core, and it didn't really work, but was REALLY funny.
Then...

RELIENT K!

They rock. So much love for Matt Thiesen. They played for more than an hour. At one point, Melissa and I were like 10 rows from the stage, but then I started feeling like I was going to pass out, so I had to leave the crowd. They played a few songs from their new CD, which I bought, and some oldies - High of 75, Sadie Hawkin's Dance, and In Love With The 80s, to name a few. I missed the 80s song, cuz that's when I felt sick. Can't wait to see them again this summer with my sisters.

It was kind of weird - none of the bands, even though they are all Christian, talked about Jesus. Ever. THey talked some between songs, but God never came up. Kind of bugged me. I mean, I understand that a lot of these bands are more main-stream, but they still need to reach out to Christians. Another thing, they were serving alcohol there, at the venue. That bugged me, too. I undestand it probably wasn't the bands who decided to do that, but still.

Friday:
Mission Center.
Tink came! I was so happy to see her. I've missed her. She asked me to hang out with her and Ashley, which is AMAZING, and she gave me a hug goodbye.
Drove to Shaun's house. We stayed up late talking...and I ended up crying. Only like the 3rd time he's seen me cry.

Saturday:
At Shaun's house. Didn't do much - went to the drive in, and went shopping with Ashley and her mom.
Stayed up late talking to Shaun again...4th time he saw me cry. And God kind of gave me a "duh" thing. It was interesting. Eye - opening.
SHE isn't in this relationship. I am.

Sunday:
Half an hour late for Sunday School. :)
Easter Baskets.
Played games all afternoon.
Stayed up late talking again.

Monday:
Go to eye doctor in Derby.
I drive back.

Parched. Like Parchment Paper.

Really tired.
Feeling beat up.
Stressed and discouraged.
Apparently emo.
Short temper.
Need a hug from Shaun.
SO much to do.
No time to just be.
Can't wait until next Thursday.
And this Thursday.

Relient K concert in a few days.
Ashley coming to campus Thursday.
Psychology test will be over tomorrow.
Creation Fest is a go.
Will drive to Whittier on my 19th birthday.
Seeing my sisters in a few months.
6 month anniversary in one week.

Sarcastic voice on the phone.

Tad annoyed.
Life goes on.

Good Friday?
Not so good for Jesus.
Great for us, yeah.
But not so much for Him.

Sneak preview at Shawnee's new Old Navy tomorrow.
"Friends and Family" day.
I'm a "Friend and Family" to a girl in my French class.

Got a 97% on my math test.
I rallied it.
I learned the stuff the night before the test.
Yay for smart boyfriends.

Who play videogames a lot.
But is a good chef.
And currently has nice skater hair.

Dry mouth.
Why?
I'm parched.
Craving apple juice.
Or milk.
Mm... milk.

'Night.

Song Of Songs.

So I just got a facebook message from a girl named Jenni. I told her about what I am struggling with, and what she said back almost made me cry.

She said, "The deal is, you're positively beautiful and God knows that ... And God knows you're beautiful he created you that way, especially your beautiful heart. Although, right now He's not to attracted to how you're thinking about yourself. He's not happy with the fact that you're not happy with His creation (you). Not that I'm saying you're not happy with yourself but you know. God knows your heart and knows everyone..He's closer to you then imaginable. With someone who knows you that well...He knows how your heart is and so you're heart should be happy...because God really doesn't want your heart feeling the same that your thoughts are."

She said some other things that I chose not to disclose.

But Dang.

I never thought of that...the fact that God doesn't like for me to think like this. You know, I've been so "focussed" on wanting to just please God that I never thought about how my thinking like this doesn't please Him.

In my Bible, I have a verse underlined. It says, "But my dove, my perfect one is unique, the only daughter of her mother, the favorite of the one who bore her. The maidens saw her and called her blessed; the queens and concubines praised her." -Song of Songs 6:9

I've just been dwelling on that verse.

"My dove"... You know when Jesus was baptized? The Holy Spirit descended on Him like a dove. A dove was obvisouly a precious and chosen being if that's what God chose to represent Himself. And He chose the words "my dove" to describe ME.

"My perfect one" ... without fault...blameless... everything needed. That's how God described me in this passage. He looks and sees me without fault.

"Unique" ... God made me different than everyone else. He chose my eye color, my hair color, my skin tone, and yes, my shape, just for me. Something we talked about at D-NOW was that God looks at me and says, "DANG! I did a great job on her!" He loves looking at me. He created me. He handcrafted me out of nothingness. He had me in His mind to form LONG before the earth was even made.

I love this passage. All of it. I've been meditating on it and just thinking about it lately. Especially tonight after 905 when I was in the GC.

But it's so easy to forget.

Seven Places.

"Even When" -Seven Places

This week, I prayed, one time
My phone, it rang, I put You on the other line
And now my thoughts they drift around
My knees remain unacquainted with the ground
Unless my faith is put to the test and I am forced to bow
Although I'm in this flesh it doesn't mean
You shouldn't have the best from me, from me

[Chorus:]
Even when my eyes are dry
Even when my soul is tired
Even when my hands are heavy,
I will lift them up to You
It's not about how I feel, oh Lord
I am here for You
I exist for you

I close my eyes but all I see
Is a background of black, bouncy squiggly lines
And this week's mistakes coming back to mind but
I will lift my voice and make a joyful sound
Forget about me, I only get me down
Although I cannot see it doesn't mean
I shouldn't sing to You, to You

[Chorus]

You've given me Your life
And have held mine together yet I find
Excuses to slouch in my pew
But when glory divine
Is sitting in my very presence,
The least that I can do
Is give my all to You, give my all to You

[Chorus]


Wow. Talk about convicting.

I have a new love - the band Seven Places.
I just heard them on the radio. They're pretty much amazing. So I went to their myspace, and the songs on there are good, too. And this song is on their purevolume page.

Sunday night, at Exit316, Jeremiah talked about having a new perspective, and the Seven Places song I just listened to was all about that. Crazy how God does that. It's awesome how God does that. That night, I really did not want to worship. I was like, "I don't feel like it!" SO I had to keep reminding myself that it isn't about me. None of it is about me. It's like, God has to have center stage in my life. And sooooo often I forget that.

Am I really living to live for Christ? It is so much easier to die for something you believe in...but to live for it? Not so easy. Do I think He is worth it? Yeah, I do. But do I show it? Not really.

I let my emotions get in the way. I think, "Oh, I don't want to. I don't feel like it. I'm not in the mood to spend time with God." but I can't base anyhing on my emotions.

Emotions change.
God doesn't.
How cool is that, that He doesn't change? He's always the same! Adam and Eve knew the same God that I know now. They walked with Him in the garden of Eden. I can walk with Him everyday still. That's amazing. All those thousands of years, and He's the same. Even when it seems like the whole world is falling apart, God is still there. And when I feel bad about anything, God still cares. And when I'm happy and joyful and giddy, God's STILL there.

And He loves me.
That's crazy to think about. I mean, there are BILLIONS of people on this planet. And God knows ALL of them. But...He still loves me. There are so many better people out there. SO many that are more devoted to following Him, to worshiping Him, to living for Him... but He looks at me with love. And not earthly love, but a love that no one can really understand. His love is huge. And we (I mean, I) take it for granted.

He thinks I'm beautiful.
I don't know if I believe this right now. All through Spring Break, I was surrounded by Shaun's family and friends, all of whom are SO thin. And I'm not...and I started feeling really bad about myself. And I still do. It's so easy to focus on my thighs and hips and stomach and everything. It's so hard to look past that. I just feel... blech...ugly...fat...unloveable. I know God is "enthralled by my beauty," like Psalms says... but it can't be true. Not right now anyway. Maybe after I lose a few pounds.

I know that sounds ridiculous. But that's where I'm at right now.

I had to do the walk/run test today. And I'm pretty sure it was way more than a mile. But oh well. I prayed the whole time. It was kind of cool. I enjoyed it thoroughly. The praying part. Not really the walking part. I prayed, asking God to show me what He sees when He looks at me. When I look in the mirror, I want to see what God sees. Whether or not that is possible, I have no idea. But it's what I prayed for. I asked Him to show me beauty, to show me Himself.

I so just want to be happy with who I am. But I'm not.

Birthday.

Only five more days of March. Wow.
My birthday is in exactly two months. I didn't realize that until Sheila told me earlier today.
Kristina's birthday is in two months and five days.
Then we'll be 19.
Is being 19 any different from being 18? Probably not. I don't think growing older really changes anything. I mean, at 21 you can drink, but who wants to do that? Not me.

I think I'm excited to get older...but at the same time, I don't want to. I can't belive I've already been in college for almost a year. It really is crazy. Doesn't seem like it's been almost a year. But then, what can you do?

Hypocrisy and Updates.

Time to post anew.

Been so busy and tired lately. Am so glad next week is spring break. I'm going to Kansas, then to Northern Virginia, then to Kansas again.

Addi and I talked tonight, and I agree with what we talked about, but I don't know what to do about it. I'll pray about it.

Started working today for Dr. Hagen. Transfered his notes from one book to another, watched a clip of a movie a thousand times, and graded stuff. It'll be a good job. Fun. Not too hard. Probably like my job at home. Seems like I always get jobs like that.

I'm currently listening to the radio and packing my stuff for spring break, so I have clothes all over my bed, and stuff everywhere. And I have a room inspection tomorrow at 1:00, and I have to give a tour for The Herd at 3:00. I think we're leaving at 4:00 ish.

I'm sorry, but I really don't have a lot to talk about.

Ah, TobyMac. Much love for him. I really want to watch Saved by the Bell, but I have to wait until I'm done with this post. And I need to finish The Odyssey. I'm getting to the good part - where they get rid of the suitors and Odysseus gets to see Penelope without a facade.

Facade.

On my New Testament test, one of the anwers about warnings Jesus gave in the Sermon on the Mount was to not put on a facade.

I wonder if I do that.
I wonder if I'm a hypocrite.
I know I am.
And that makes me sad.

Lifestream.

I love Thursday nights.
Lifestream is amazing.

Hundreds of people, all with different stories, different backgrounds, different lives, different dreams and hopes and fears...all in one place praising the same God for the same reason - that He changed our lives and He deserves all the glory and honor and praise we can give Him, and then some.

I ride in with Shaun, his roommate Sam, and Sam's friend Seth. I'm the only girl in a car with them for like 45 minutes each way. It is so funny. The things they say and do, it just cracks me up. Until they get gassy. Then it's just sick McNasty. And I role my window down and freeze them out, which is fun for me. Sam kept shining a flashlight in my eyes last night, and Seth kept breaking a hanger, and Shaun was singing under his breath... :)

The music is amazing. And the people are so real in their worship - it's like, you know they want to be there, just singing to God and praising Him. And they do. Arms lifted high, people on their knees, heads down, eyes heavenward... God meeting us there.

Amazing.
Lifechanging.
Undescribable.

Beauty From Pain.

I forgot that Ms. Linda prays for me on Tuesdays.

I had two tests today.
I'm applying for an on-campus job today.
I have two tests tomorrow.
I'm still not feeling one hundred percent.
My room is messy.
My hair looks like prom hair, according to Addi.
I took a nap this morning.

And Ms. Linda is praying for me.

That's so encouraging to know. I'm not even kidding. My Mom just sent me an e-mail reminding me about Ms. Linda, and I got so excited. :) I love knowing people pray for me.

I sent a letter to Ms. Kara last week - apparently she got it on a day when she really needed it. :) That makes me happy to know I blessed her somehow.

I went to Squatter's Rights last night, and now I have my dorm room for next semester in SECOND SOUTH of WMU!! I'm way excited to be an RA. I hope I can bless those girls, too. I'm already praying for them.

I like the song "Beauty From Pain" by Superchic[k]. And the song "Courage" by them.

The other night, I was reading my Bible, and I read Psalm 30...and it was way cool:

Psalm 30
1 I will exalt You, O Lord,
for You lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 O Lord my God, I called to You for help
and You healed me.
3 O Lord, You brought me up from the grave;
You spared me from going down into the pit.
4 Sing to the Lord, you saints of His;
Praise His holy name.
5 For His anger lasts only a moment,
but His favor lasts a lifetime;
weepihng may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
6 When I felt secure, I said,
"I will never be shaken."
7 O Lord, when You favor me,
You made my mountain stand firm;
but when You hid Your face,
I was dismayed.
8 To You, O Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9 "What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise You?
Will it proclaim Your faithfulness?
10 Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me;
O Lord, be my help."
11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever.

I love verses 11 and 12. They've been running through my head for the last 2 or 3 days. It's like...God took everything about me - He took my pain, my anger, my sadness - and He turned it into dancing. He transformed me. Because of Him, I can have joy that lasts. I love how it says He removed my sackcloth, which people wear when they're mourning, and He cloths me in JOY. What two opposites - mourning becoming joy.

O, that my heart may sing to You and not be silent. I will give You thanks forever.