On My Mind.

Things on my mind lately:
- Allen's birthday (tomorrow!)
- Acteen's purity retreat (this weekend)
- Getting my braces off (date TBD)
- Extravagant grace
- Wedding invitations (in the mail as of today!)
- Changing friendships
- School (halfway through my 3rd semester. After this semester, I'll be halfway done with the program!)
- Suits (Allen's suit for the wedding cost $7.50 at a thrift store.... and it was brand new.)
- Titus 2
- Snowshoeing
- Living room forts

Love And Marriage.

The last three weeks have been a whirlwind. A whirlwind, I tell you. Like a dream.

August 16: After a delicious pizza dinner at a restaurant we've been hankering to try, after making me hike a mountain in a dress, Allen proposed. I said yes. Jade was there to capture it on film, adding to the joyous moment and fun.

August 18: We picked a date - January 10 - and the planning began. Colors, "vibe," flowers, decorations, Save the Dates, bridesmaids and groomsmen...

August 25: Realize we won't have anywhere to live after getting married (except Mom and Dad's basement).

August 28: Tour an apartment. Bottom floor. No thanks.

August 29: Tour another apartment. Top floor. Two bedrooms. Within our price range. Perfect, we'll take it.

September 3: Pay deposit and sign lease for our first apartment.

And in between: Addressing and mailing Save the Dates. Pinning. Celebrating. Laughing. Anticipating. Planning.
__________________________

This man - my best friend - will be my husband in 4 months and 1 week.  My late night talks, early morning coffee, fill the car with gas, adventuring, loving, passionate and compassionate husband.

But I am also reminded of Isaiah 54:5 "For your Maker is your Husband, the Lord of hosts is His name. The Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer. The God of the whole earth, He is called."

Allen will be my husband. But only my "Til Death Do Us Part" husband. The Lord is my forever husband. Allen will not be able to meet all of my needs, fulfill all of my desires, whisper answers to the longings of my heart. But the Lord will. He will indeed.

I am so excited to see how the Lord uses us together. In our church. In our apartment building. In our jobs. In the world. In Africa. In a hut. Hugging those small children who have stolen both of our hearts and are holding them ransom. I am so excited to see how we - together - will point others back to Him.

We start our pre-marital counseling with Pastor Tom in October. While I'm nervous - why? - I'm excited to continue to learn more about Allen and more about myself. The books we've been reading together have been wonderful in growing our relationship; I know this will be too.
__________________________

In Titus 2, older women are commanded to teach the younger women how to love their husbands. I praise God for my mama, who teaches me how to love my husband through the way she loves my daddy.

I am excited and humbled for the opportunity to teach my girls how to do the same. 

Rend The Heavens.

This blog just touched my heart tonight.  Because lately, my words have not been full of Him either. My words at work. At home. At church, even.

But I want Him to consume me. Oh, that He would rend the heavens and come down! Oh, Lord, I want to tremble before You!

But life creeps in. Even good things - a bike ride with Allen; teaching my girls; working in the nursery - even these good things creep in and push the Lord out. Not waking up early enough to read His word before work. Not praying before eating my lunch at work.

Oh, that He would rend the heavens and come down.

There are attacks because He is at work. And that's okay, as long He will continue to lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. His faithfulness never ends.

(None)

Lord, I crawled across the barrenness to You with my empty cup. If only I had known You better, I'd have come running with a bucket. -Nancy Spiegelberg

24 In Review.

I've been thinking about this post: 24 Things That Happened While I Was 24.

1. I broke my leg. In three places. On an island. And had to wait two weeks before I could have very invasive surgery to get it fixed. That surgery included inserting a metal rod into my tibia, placing about 5 screws in my leg, and being in various casts for three months.

2. I applied to Johns Hopkins. And was accepted.
3. I started and finished my first class. And got an A. And now I'm taking two more and I love them.
4. Two of my favorite bosses of all time left the District. And we got two replacements. The Lord is teaching me to love them.
5. The Lord gave me a "Front Row Seat" to the work He is doing in the lives of my middle through college-age girls at church. And, as this blog reminded me, I am so not needed in that.

6. I won $8.00 for my crocheted creations at the Alaska State Fair! Ha. And I took a pottery class.

7. I write a weekly newsletter and this year, it went National. It is now received by four or five different states.
8. I learned to be dependent on people for everything. Even going to the bathroom and bathing.
9. I lived on my own. And I loved it.
10. I moved back home. And I loved it.
11. I learned that there is a time for everything.
12. I've made substantial progress in paying off my Jeep.
13. I made the decision to honor God with my money (and have been reading this book to help).
14. Allen and I celebrated our one-year dating anniversary. And I was constantly challenged by his selflessness, his compassion, and his silliness.

15. I planned and executed a conference for 100+ staff members in the school district.
16. I started memorizing James (and am about 4/5 of the way through!).
17. I cut off all my hair! And I don't think I'll ever go back to long hair. And I was told I look like Anne Hathaway and Julia Roberts, circa "Hook."
18. I flew to Arizona and surprised my Grandpa with a visit. I hadn't seen him in about two years.

19. We celebrated the third annual Lemonade Stand on the Butte.

20. I worked as a model. By that, I mean I posed for some pictures for my friend Jade. Through that experience, I learned I am more business-professional than whimsy.

21. Our church finished the new sanctuary and I helped move chairs into it.
22. I learned the importance of just loving on people. And I felt the opposition that comes from that.
23. My momma became more than a momma. She became my friend.

24. I started sponsoring Cwangco, a little girl who lives in Africa, through World Vision.

Here's to the next year of being 25!

His Voice.

Breathe.

Between working full time, grad school, leading my girls at church, maintaining friendships, and seeing family, it seems that life has slipped away.

But I've made it a point to be in God's word more, to be dilligent: I want to read through the Bible this year and though I got off track at times, I think I'm back on.

His word is breath and life.

Psalm 29:4-9
"The voice of the LORD is powerful; the voice of the LORD is majestic. The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars; the LORD breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon. He makes Lebanon skip like a calf, Sirion like a young wild ox. The voice of the LORD strikes with flashes of lightening. The voice of the LORD shakes the desert; the Lord shakes the Desert of Kadesh. The voice of the LORD twists the oaks and strips the forest bare. And in his temple, all cry 'HOLY!'"

Stoping long enough to hear His voice, to recognize and understand His words, is challenging at times. But there is nothing more I want to do.

First Fruits.

Some big financials decisions to be made:
- Where to live (back at home, saving $500 a month, at least until September. Then we'll see.)
- How many classes to take (Goal: complete Grad School without new student loans.)
- How much I can afford to put into my Roth IRA (try to meet the yearly maximum?)
- How quickly I can pay off my car (by the time I'm 27? That's just over 3 years.)
- Can I afford to buy a house? (Oh my lanta, who even knows?!)

Last night, I was reading through the various laws in Deuteronomy.  And I came to the part where Moses commands the Israelites to give their first fruits to the Lord. The first of their crops and animals.

The first.

Before they knew if there would be more coming.
Before they paid bills and took their goods to the market to sell.
Before they checked how much was in their savings account.
Their first fruits.

The reason? So that we may "rejoice in all the good things the Lord your God has given to you and your household" (Deuteronomy 26:11).

I love that. I was convicted.

I tithe regularly, but it had always been on the last Sunday of the month. That way, I knew how much I would make, what my "10%" would be, and that my bills all paid with no problem.  But what if I gave my tithe on the first Sunday of the month? Before those bills are taken out? Before my car payment, my credit card bill, my cell phone, my insurance, my, my, my.... How would that change my dependence on the Lord? How would I grow in my faith and trust? How would I see "all the good things the Lord [my] God has give to [me] and [my] household"?

That seems a little radical. Counter-culture. To give first rather than saving or spending first. But I'm excited.  Last night, I fell more in love with the Word of God than I have been in a while. And I was reading in Deuteronomy. No one expects that.  I am excited to take the Lord at His word. To give Him my first fruits.

Israelite.

And so, I shall trust the Lord.

I shall be like the Israelites, wandering in the desert, not knowing where their next home will be, but knowing that the Cloud and Fire would guide them.

I shall walk, one foot, then another, not knowing where I will take my shoes off at night, but thankful that I have shoes.

I shall trust. With every new day. With every assignment. With every box. With every meal. With every dollar. I will trust.

Sin Part 2.

If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17  (NIV)

That's how. Remain in Christ.

What if that isn't just a church answer? What if that's really how it works? What if remaining in Christ, in His word, always praying, always pursuing, always pouring out that perfume onto His feet... what is that IS how it works? What if I am attached to the Vine? What if the Vine gives Life everlasting - in the future and here?

What if my life becomes that perfume, that sacrifice offered on the altar, that complete tithe for Him? And what if I take Malachi 3:10 and run with it: "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it."

That would be cool. That would be God. That would be godliness.

I like that.

Sin.

Guilt is never enough to change behavior.

Conviction is, until you forget about the conviction.

Choosing in your heart is not even enough - your mind is still open to attack.

So what is it? What does it take to actually change behavior, turn from sin, and embrace the Lord?

"Those" People.

Deb and I took our girls out for coffee tonight, for our fifth Wednesday date - seven of them plus two of us equals three round tables at Starbucks in the grocery store.  I had hoped it would be a great time for us to just relax and talk.

There is a large population of homeless youth in the Valley. About 800 of them, who have no stable family, housing, or life in general. A lot of those kids hang out at the Wasilla grocery store.  The management lets them hang out, sleep, whatever.

There was a group of kids at the grocery store tonight, seated right by my girls and me. I'm not sure if they fit into the above category, and honestly, that's not an issue in my mind.

You know what is an issue?
- The looks of disdain my girls gave those kids at their use of bad language, their talk of smoking.
- The judgement I heard in their voices when they talked about it on the drive back to the church.
- The disgust at the "fake tan" girls who "wore too much makeup."

These girls, who probably accepted Christ at a young age, who grew up in Christian homes, who have been called to make disciples, bear fruit, and love freely... they are the ones withholding mercy when James plainly tells us, "Mercy triumphs over judgement!"

And, telling Allen about it later, I became angrier and angrier.

And then the conviction hit.  Just today, didn't I judge the person who parked too close to my car in the parking lot? "Learn how to park! How can I even get into my car?!" Just today, didn't I judge what someone wore in a picture on Facebook? "Really? She's wearing that shirt?"  Just today, didn't I judge coworkers for the way they pronounced words? "Why does she say it like that? Can't she tell that isn't the normal pronunciation?"

I hate it.  I hate this.

How can we love people when we are too busy looking down our noses at them?
How can we show them Christ when we're hiding Him behind our own self-appointed "holiness"?
How can we make disciples when we don't even want to talk to the people who need Him most?

<Oh, Lord, that You would come and change me! That You would soften my heart. That You would convict me more. That You would guide my steps to interact with those who need You. Lord, I need You! Change lives... but I need You to change me too. Come, Lord Jesus.>

Weekend Review.

I feel so challenged and refreshed and revived after the youth retreat this weekend. And to think I almost didn't go.

Bringing glory to God's name is not something we should just talk about - we should live in a way as to actually do that. In relationships. At work. At home. At church. In all things. Suffering for doing Good is GOOD. To Him be the glory.

Prayer cannot be about me. I must rightly relate to God.
- creation to Creator
- unholy to Holy
- daughter to Father
- slave to Redeemer
- guilty to Forgiver

Failing to relate rightly to Him leads to wrong prayer. "Lord, if I bring You more honor by being in this fire, then leave me here until You are done with Your plan. If you are rightly glorified by my suffering, allow me to suffer more. Lord, do not put me where You can use me. Put me where You will be lifted up by me."

Praying and Worshiping for hours with youth - so so good. Talking with them about their desires to serve Him awakened and renewed those desires in me.

The importance of living in community and the difficulty of doing that.

Isn't He good? Isn't He powerful and right and lovely and deserving of all worship and attention and preferences? Prefer Him.

See.

The Lord doesn't always see the things we see. Rather, He isn't blinded by what we see.

We see bad news from the doctor - bad X-Rays or bad CT scans. He sees the healing He'll do to surprise you at your next visit.

We see bills coming and jobs NOT coming. He sees that anonymous gift that comes at the last minute that saves you financially, or that job that's just around the corner, as long as you don't give up.

We see the hurt friendships, the lacking trust, the pain from neglect. He sees Redemption and Forgiveness at work.

I pray that this year, I am not blinded by what I see, but that I am open to see what the Lord sees. I pray that this year, we all look with His eyes - at other people, and events, and circumstances. That we would have His eyes.

Intentionality.

I've been thinking about the importance of intentionality lately. In conversations, at work, in my prayer life, in reading the Bible.

"What good is it my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?"

What good indeed?

It takes intentionality to live by the Spirit, to allow Him to develop those fruits in me. Apart from the Spirit, I am broken and sin-bound. But with the Spirit, there is life.

Too often I choose not to be intentional, and things slowly start to unravel. I don't like that.

Prayer.

This is the thing about prayer.

If I really believed it mattered, I would pray.  If I honestly thought it would change things, nothing would be able to keep me from being on my face, back to the sky, before the Most High God. I would pray unceasingly. My prayers would be effective.

The Bible claims prayer is important.  "Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain and it did not rain on the land for three years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops." James 5:17-18.

It's important to praise as part of prayer. We see that over and over in the Psalms - glorifying God in the middle of a cry for help.

Acknowledging sin in prayer is important, too. Sin leads to broken relationships, which leads to broken communication.  David recognized his broken relationship with the Lord after his sin with Bathsheba (and the accompanying ones!) and he poured his heart out to right that relationship in Psalm 51.  And through David's life, we see that forgiveness leads to restored relationships and restored communication. After all, the Savior of the world came from his line!

Abiding in the Lord is what makes the real difference. Elijah knew how to abide in the Lord, as a vine is with the branch. John 15:7 "If you abide in Me, and My Words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you."

Rightly abiding in the Lord automatically lends itself to not delving into sin, which springs from our own evil desires and ultimately leads to death (James 1).

Rightly abiding in the Lord keeps those channels of communication open, where we know He will hear our fervent requests and our praises to Him.

Rightly abiding in the Lord means we already know what to ask for and we can hear His guidance in those areas.

Believing that it matters is the beginning.

John 6:63A

THE SPIRIT GIVES LIFE.

THE FLESH COUNTS FOR NOTHING.

In Your Presence, My Holy King.

I just want to hide in the shadow of His wings.

I am weak, but He is strong when I am barely hanging on.
He is my Portion and my Cup.

My soul will find rest in Him.

Forgive.

As many times as you are hurt, forgive.

Seven times seventy.

As many times as the pain boils up and the anger stirs. As many times as your heart hurts and you want to get even. As many times as it takes.

Forgive.

"I Believe In Scripture"

Christ Is Risen - Matt Maher - LifeChurch.tv Church Online