Say Yeah

If you wanna scream, say YEAH!!!!!!!!!

I don't get people sometimes, myself included. I mean, why, in the middle of the night in November, when it is roughly -20 degrees outside, would someone break into the bus barn and vandalize 47 buses? They slashed tires, cut wires, broke mirrors...WHY? Because they didn't want to go to school? GROW UP! School goes by super fast anyway. So now, before anyone can ride the buses again, they are checking every single tire on every single bus in case they are messed up, they have to climb under every single bus to make sure the brake lights, turn signals, etc. are all working, fix a bunch of mirrors, all that stuff. People need to grow up.

I need to grow up.

I was talking to God last night and thinking and praying about stuff. It's so weird because I have this friend, Nichol, who is really nice, and she has an awesome realtionship with God, but her relationship with Him is completely different than my relationship with Him. I know that she and I are totally different people, but God is the same god for both of us.

It's like, I'm excited to go to Africa as a missionary, but at the same time, I don't think I can do it. How am I supposed to witness to people there if I can't even do it here? I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes. I'll talk about God, how much I love Him, then what I say or do with other people will comopletely contradict that.

Pastor Tom's message on Sunday was good. It was about Truth, God's truth, and Satan's lies. Then I was studying Jeremiah last night, and it was about a battle that was coming with the Egyptians and some other people, and I was thinking, and God showed me that I'm in a spiritual battle right now and I need to decide whose side I'm on. For reals. Because Satan is real, but so is God.

Then it's like I don't talk to people, really, and like no one knows the real me. Then I wonder if I even know the real me. Is the real me the me when I'm silent at school, or by myself in my room, or when I'm eating dinner with my family? Then I wonder about how God sees me. I know He is enamored by my beauty, it's in Psalm somewhere, but other than that...

So the other night, on Nov. 25th, actually, I was talking to God and I was like, "Wow, You and the angels must be sooo stoked! Only one month til Jesus' birthday! Are You planning Him a surprise party? It'd be super cool to throw You a surprise party! Wait, You are all-knowing, so it wouldn't work...." And then I started laughing.



New favorite song:

"Can I Sit By You" Lyrics
Copyright 2005 three cHord wonder (ASCAP)

I feel like a life-raft tossing in the sea looking for some answers and hoping I agree, Maybe You could tell me what’s gonna happen soon, but even if You’re silent I will follow You

Can I sit by You, I don’t care what we do, I just want to hold Your Hand, I only want to be with You,Can I sit by You, I’m so in awe of You, please may I kiss Your Hand, I only want to be with You.

I feel like a victim of a life where all went wrong, I’m still trying to catch my breath again and find where I belong. I fee tired and neglected, a broken jar of clay, and though it feels like You’re ignoring me, I am gonna stay.

I feel like You’ve taken almost everything I love and cast it in a lake of fire burning it all up. The pain I’m feeling right now is overwhelming me and though the world tells me to curse You, I still believe.

Yup

I'm not sure what to post about. Harry Potter the other night was so much fun. Hannah, Kyle and I dressed up (I was Hermione). Kristina and Anthony didn't dress up, but it was a blast. We got lost in Anchorage, almost got in like 5 accidents, got a dead car battery, almost got lost again after the movie, didn't get all of our Wendy's food, and made it home alive. Phew. I don't know why, but I always laugh a lot when I'm with Hannah and Kyle.

Worked out today with Hannah. We were both feeling rather lethargic today.

Word.

You know when there is a certain word you want to say, but then you can't think of it, so you say another word, but it turns out to be completely the wrong word so then everyone looks at you weird and you can't fix what you said because you already said it?



I hate that.

My Heart's Desire

Sunday night, almost a week ago, I was in church. Pastor Tom was preaching about serving and, as he always does, he gave an invitation that night to respond to God's word. So I was standing at my seat, and I KNEW I needed to go up and pray. But I hate doing that. I don't know why. God has to work on that in me. Anyway, I was like, "NO! I don't want to go!" And the Holy Spirit was like, "No, Melissa! GO!" So as soon as the music started, I went up there. So I'm kneeling at the altar with my hands covering my eyes, praying, and I just start crying. There are tears just running down my face. So I finish praying, go back to my seat, Mom gives me a hug and asks if everything is okay. And here is what I say with tears streaming:

"I just want to go to Africa."

No joke. That's why I was crying. And it's true. I really just want to go to Africa. I mean, I would gladly ditch school, skip college, and live in Africa, teaching English.

I just want to go to Africa.

Now K-Love has a contest where you can go to Africa and China and India, so I entered. And I know that God has given me the desire to go to Africa because I could not have come up with it on my own. They are announcing the final winner today in a few minutes and I'm soo nervous. I don't know why. But I really want to go. It's like tearing me up inside. Not even kidding. I want sooooooooo desperately to be in Africa. God gav me this desire, and it says in Psalms that God gives us the desires of our hears, so I've been praying that I will win this. At the same time, I know that the timing could just be wrong for me to go there. I'm just trusting God. Oh man, is this it?...

Goodbyes...I Hate Them.

I hate saying goodbye to people. I always cry. The tears have not failed me yet. And I think that Sunday was the most I had cried over someone leaving for a couple of years.

I'm so gonna miss Syderni.

She's as close to a little sister as I've ever had. She's so like me, but we are different enough to compliment eachother and get along super well.

I miss her and I get super sad even thinking about saying goodbye. Which we never actually did. We just hugged. Then I walked away.

That's another thing I hate. I hate walking away from people, knowing that they are still standing there waiting.

Sigh. Sob. Oy.