"Stop for a moment and close your eyes... dream with Me... Be still, My precious one, and let me renew the eternal hope in your heart today."
Dream. Let me dream for a moment with the Lord about what 2011 could bring...
Leading the GAs on a mission trip that changes their lives.
Seeing God work through me.
Visiting friends who live overseas.
Proverbs 31 in the flesh.
Seeing the Lord continue to frustrate my hope that is placed somewhere other than on Him.
Zumba mastery.
Running.
Dream... dream.
Stop blocking them.
Africa. I dream of Africa. I dream of Tahmee and Sofani and Mama Vuyi.
I dream of chai. I dream of yarn stores in Europe.
12.31.2010
12.28.2010
12.16.2010
Conversations With A Second Grader.
“Okay, what does this card say?”
“FROG!!”
“What is it? Try again.”
“Frog.”
“Let’s Touch Spell it: F O G.”
“Frog.”
“No, let’s Touch Spell again: F O G.”
“Frog.”
“You keep adding an R in there! Does this card have an R on it?”
“No.”
“No… let’s Touch Spell again: F O G.”
“Frog.”
“Try again.”
“Frog.”
“Touch Spell it for me.”
“F O G. Frog.”
“You added an R again! You’re being silly. Touch Spell it for me again.”
“F O G. Fog.”
“Awesome! You got it! Try it one more time. What does this card say?”
“Frog!”
“Ah, you added the R again! Touch Spell it for me.”
“F O G. Frog.”
“Let’s Touch Spell together: F O G.”
“Fog.”
“There you go! Read it to me again.”
“Fog.”
“Phew. I knew you could do it.”
Love, love, love my job. She cracked me up today, adding the R nearly every time we tried to read the word “fog.” For some reason, it just stuck in her mind that it needed an R in it… and by golly it would have an R! They’re all little frogs, jumping up and down while reading words.
And now, we creep down the hallway silently, trying not to let anyone see us. Conventional? No. But it keeps them quiet in the hall and we get to the class quickly, stealthily. They duck down to go past windows, of which there is a plethora. And we dart past open doors. Other teachers who see us look on warily, then laugh when they catch onto our plan. They’re jealous of our Mad Skillz.
The Principal called me from the office this morning, asking to employ my Spanish skills… I have no Spanish skills. I know French. I was sad to not be able to help, but really flattered that he had thought of me, that he remembered that part of our interview wherein we discussed multi-lingual education. Shoot, if any new students from France or Canada show up, call me! Maybe I should get a Spanish tutor. Buzz Lightyear, perhaps.
I have my own desk. I am not sitting at it right now though. I was told I could bring anything I need to make the classroom feel like mine also. Mine. My classroom. I am in the process of gathering paperwork to apply for my Alaska teaching certificate. Then I may get a contract to last through the end of the school year. As it is, I will be here anyway. A job, everyday, until May, doing what I love.
“FROG!!”
“What is it? Try again.”
“Frog.”
“Let’s Touch Spell it: F O G.”
“Frog.”
“No, let’s Touch Spell again: F O G.”
“Frog.”
“You keep adding an R in there! Does this card have an R on it?”
“No.”
“No… let’s Touch Spell again: F O G.”
“Frog.”
“Try again.”
“Frog.”
“Touch Spell it for me.”
“F O G. Frog.”
“You added an R again! You’re being silly. Touch Spell it for me again.”
“F O G. Fog.”
“Awesome! You got it! Try it one more time. What does this card say?”
“Frog!”
“Ah, you added the R again! Touch Spell it for me.”
“F O G. Frog.”
“Let’s Touch Spell together: F O G.”
“Fog.”
“There you go! Read it to me again.”
“Fog.”
“Phew. I knew you could do it.”
Love, love, love my job. She cracked me up today, adding the R nearly every time we tried to read the word “fog.” For some reason, it just stuck in her mind that it needed an R in it… and by golly it would have an R! They’re all little frogs, jumping up and down while reading words.
And now, we creep down the hallway silently, trying not to let anyone see us. Conventional? No. But it keeps them quiet in the hall and we get to the class quickly, stealthily. They duck down to go past windows, of which there is a plethora. And we dart past open doors. Other teachers who see us look on warily, then laugh when they catch onto our plan. They’re jealous of our Mad Skillz.
The Principal called me from the office this morning, asking to employ my Spanish skills… I have no Spanish skills. I know French. I was sad to not be able to help, but really flattered that he had thought of me, that he remembered that part of our interview wherein we discussed multi-lingual education. Shoot, if any new students from France or Canada show up, call me! Maybe I should get a Spanish tutor. Buzz Lightyear, perhaps.
I have my own desk. I am not sitting at it right now though. I was told I could bring anything I need to make the classroom feel like mine also. Mine. My classroom. I am in the process of gathering paperwork to apply for my Alaska teaching certificate. Then I may get a contract to last through the end of the school year. As it is, I will be here anyway. A job, everyday, until May, doing what I love.
12.15.2010
The Meaning Of Chai.
While I was in Oregon, Grandpa asked me why I like chai so much. And I don’t know.
Maybe it is the memories associated with the drink more than anything else: preparations to go overseas; being in India with my family; early mornings in the apartment with light streaming in through the windows; singing on the street corner with hands outstretched; on break from driving to the Taj Mahal; after riding elephants in the rain; in countless houses; with whole milk, straight from the cow, and with no milk; then later, reunions in Amreeka.
Maybe I connect it with community.
Chai is relational. In India, you offer chai to any and every guest. It is the first thing you offer them when they enter your home. It is drunk with family everyday. To Indians, it is a means of showing hospitality, coming together and sharing one experience: a pot of chai. It forces you to slow down as you allow it to cool, swirling it in the cup with grace and ease, allowing the aroma and sight to overwhelm your senses. It ranges from red to light tan, can taste sweet or bitterly savory, but is always served in tiny little cups, half the size of American coffee mugs.
I can still remember distinct chai times, though I was in India over a year ago. Drinking it in the pink house, in the village with the curved stone paths, trailing between age-old houses, past water spigots, with the 100 year old woman. The villagers about had a riot trying to get us to come to each house. Then we walked along the train tracks. We saw shantytowns, small children who would peek out to see the foreigners, more piles of rubbish burning in the afternoon’s fading sun. It felt like we walked forever in the wrong direction, but we made it back to the town in short order. That was the town where we had the power outage and spent over an hour just talking in the complex that housed the evil monkeys and Jack Fruit trees.
Early morning chai was the best: 6:00am in Guwahati, Steve quietly saying good morning or simply waving hello, pointing to the kitchen where the ant hill was the size of a dinner plate. Love. We would stream into the kitchen one at a time, the guys always first, rubbing sleep from our eyes. One by one we would gather chai, our Bibles, and bowls of cereal, not talking much, but really just… savoring. Savoring the time before the horns became obnoxious, before it was too hot to do anything, before our J-Man helper arrived to interrupt our family life. Chai was our bonding agent – our glue. Even for Jordan who was lactose intolerant before the trip… but was not afterwards. Chai healed her. Well, God healed her. Chai was the avenue.
I only have chai with people I love – my India family, parents, Chris, Tuesday Night Preposition Club, Goers, and now my Grandparents. It symbolizes love, dedication, and a slowing-down of the pace of life. That is why I like chai.
The drink is good in and of itself. But the life associated with it is even better.
12.10.2010
(No Title.)
Tonight was my Pastor's annual Christmas Open House, and the first one I've been to in four years.
I am right where I belong. I guess.
The last month and a half has been very challenging. Nearly as much as when I was in India.
And it still is. Just in different ways.
I am right where I belong. I guess.
The last month and a half has been very challenging. Nearly as much as when I was in India.
And it still is. Just in different ways.
12.09.2010
My Christmas Wish List:
- a bicycle.
- a contract to teach.
- the ability to speak fluent French.
- Brad and Paige to be here.
- diamonds.
- laughter and love.
- to see the Northern Lights really clearly.
- to finish the Christmas Presents I am making.
- to go sledding and/or snowshoeing.
- new boots.
- new snow pants.
- for Lola to stop licking me every time I pet her.
- for "Say Yes to the Dress" to be on TV more often.
- a contract to teach.
- the ability to speak fluent French.
- Brad and Paige to be here.
- diamonds.
- laughter and love.
- to see the Northern Lights really clearly.
- to finish the Christmas Presents I am making.
- to go sledding and/or snowshoeing.
- new boots.
- new snow pants.
- for Lola to stop licking me every time I pet her.
- for "Say Yes to the Dress" to be on TV more often.
12.06.2010
Grandma And Grandpa's.
What a nice, relaxing time with Grandma and Grandpa.
Their house always smells the same: like home and peace and love.
Grandma always cooks piles of food and Grandpa always watches Fox News.
And I always savor it.
Evenings, in the living room warmed with a wood stove, listening to their tales of living during WW2, when everything was rationed. The perils of falling in love and threats for current love. Challenges and joys and favorite vacations and how Grandma’s favorite color is blue and how Grandpa’s favorite accessory is belt-buckles.
Go back in time. Tape-record it all so that every moment becomes a part of history that is integral to my being. Integral to me being me, Melissa.
Looking through pictures and making more candy than we could ever eat. Driving Ethel June and spending minutes at the beach staring into tide pools. No star fish, but I saw an anemone. Being drizzled on and loving it.
Feeling soft rain on your skin is proof that you are alive and alert to new senses.
Their house always smells the same: like home and peace and love.
Grandma always cooks piles of food and Grandpa always watches Fox News.
And I always savor it.
Evenings, in the living room warmed with a wood stove, listening to their tales of living during WW2, when everything was rationed. The perils of falling in love and threats for current love. Challenges and joys and favorite vacations and how Grandma’s favorite color is blue and how Grandpa’s favorite accessory is belt-buckles.
Go back in time. Tape-record it all so that every moment becomes a part of history that is integral to my being. Integral to me being me, Melissa.
Looking through pictures and making more candy than we could ever eat. Driving Ethel June and spending minutes at the beach staring into tide pools. No star fish, but I saw an anemone. Being drizzled on and loving it.
Feeling soft rain on your skin is proof that you are alive and alert to new senses.
11.28.2010
Oregon-Bound.
Two days of work, then I'm off on a jet plane.
I will spend my days relaxing with my grandparents, making candy, crocheting, and spending time with my black uncle, Buddy the Dog.
I will spend my days relaxing with my grandparents, making candy, crocheting, and spending time with my black uncle, Buddy the Dog.
11.25.2010
Happy Thanksgiving!!
This year, I am most thankful to God for restored relationships. I am thankful that He is working in my life, making me more like Him and less like me, even when it hurts. And I am thankful that I can see that in others' lives.
I am thankful for parents who still allow me to live at home, without paying rent. I am thankful for parents who are still married, after 30 years, for brothers who tormented me growing up and with whom I am starting to have good relationships. I am very thankful for grandparents; both sets have been married or were married for over 50 years.
I am thankful today for the snow that fell overnight and continues to now. For a morning in bed, with the Lord. For being able to (mostly) start a fire in the wood stove. For a yummy breakfast burrito now and promises of good food later. For Christmas music on Pandora! Today it can officially start.
At Christmas, we celebrate the birth and at Easter we celebrate the resurrection.
Thanksgiving is the time to stop and just be THANKFUL that He came and did those things.
I am thankful that the God I serve is not wood, clay, or stone. He is alive and well, reigning on high, victorious over all.
Last night, when I knelt to pray in a different house (where I am housesitting), I had the thought of, "Oh! I'm somewhere new! Does God know where I am?" Then, undoubtably, I felt Him say, "Yes. I know where you are. Of course I do." Such joy and peace came over me. I am thankful that He knows me.
I am thankful that I do not have to guard my heart from Him. He is fully trustworthy and has all the best intentions in mind. I trust that. I trust Him.
So Happy Thanksgiving. Give thanks in all things. He is Risen Indeed.
I am thankful for parents who still allow me to live at home, without paying rent. I am thankful for parents who are still married, after 30 years, for brothers who tormented me growing up and with whom I am starting to have good relationships. I am very thankful for grandparents; both sets have been married or were married for over 50 years.
I am thankful today for the snow that fell overnight and continues to now. For a morning in bed, with the Lord. For being able to (mostly) start a fire in the wood stove. For a yummy breakfast burrito now and promises of good food later. For Christmas music on Pandora! Today it can officially start.
At Christmas, we celebrate the birth and at Easter we celebrate the resurrection.
Thanksgiving is the time to stop and just be THANKFUL that He came and did those things.
I am thankful that the God I serve is not wood, clay, or stone. He is alive and well, reigning on high, victorious over all.
Last night, when I knelt to pray in a different house (where I am housesitting), I had the thought of, "Oh! I'm somewhere new! Does God know where I am?" Then, undoubtably, I felt Him say, "Yes. I know where you are. Of course I do." Such joy and peace came over me. I am thankful that He knows me.
I am thankful that I do not have to guard my heart from Him. He is fully trustworthy and has all the best intentions in mind. I trust that. I trust Him.
So Happy Thanksgiving. Give thanks in all things. He is Risen Indeed.
11.22.2010
Barn Dance.
The Barn Dance a few weeks ago = epic.
K and I choreographed a line dance, then taught it to some ladies.
I bought a picture.
Dad bought a bale of hay.
All the apple juice you could drink! "JUST ONE MORE!!!"
11.21.2010
11.17.2010
Lessons.
I've been learning a lot lately... but am still feeling like I'm getting nowhere quickly!
Just because you forgive doesn't mean you have to automatically trust again.
Commitment can change a family or relationship.
Prayer is composing a love song to the Lord, pouring your heart out because you know He cares for every nook, crevice, and hidden spot therein.
Also, prayer means more when done on your knees. I'm testing it out this week.
Just because you forgive doesn't mean you have to automatically trust again.
Commitment can change a family or relationship.
Prayer is composing a love song to the Lord, pouring your heart out because you know He cares for every nook, crevice, and hidden spot therein.
Also, prayer means more when done on your knees. I'm testing it out this week.
11.15.2010
Flaaaaat.
I got a flat tire at work today. FLAAAAT.
Like, Frozen flat so that when I attempted to drive away, the tire went "da da da THUMP da da da THUMP da da da THUMP."
I could literally SEE the car tilting to the right.
MTR came. Roland fixed it.
He had a truck with a CRUSHED front end on the back of his tow truck. My only thought? "Phew. Glad I wasn't that guy."
Yes, my afternoon plans were altered greatly. But I was able to just sit and be for a little while. I was not in an accident. I prayed. I stayed warm. I laughed at my inability to get the car jack out from under the seat.
All things work together for the good of those who love Him who are called according to His purpose.
Like, Frozen flat so that when I attempted to drive away, the tire went "da da da THUMP da da da THUMP da da da THUMP."
I could literally SEE the car tilting to the right.
MTR came. Roland fixed it.
He had a truck with a CRUSHED front end on the back of his tow truck. My only thought? "Phew. Glad I wasn't that guy."
Yes, my afternoon plans were altered greatly. But I was able to just sit and be for a little while. I was not in an accident. I prayed. I stayed warm. I laughed at my inability to get the car jack out from under the seat.
All things work together for the good of those who love Him who are called according to His purpose.
11.14.2010
Harry.
ABC Family has had Harry Potter weekend... and I am falling in love with it again.
Oh, Harry, you lucky... the Room of Requirement, an obvious future to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and the ability to fly on broomstick. You never have to buy gasoline.
My favorite class at Hogwarts would probably be... Divination, because I would laugh a lot. Or maybe Ruins with Hermione.
I wonder if there were House Cheerleaders that didn't make the final edit into the book or movies.. I would do that, too. I would cheer for Ron. After all, Weasley is our king.
Oh, Harry, you lucky... the Room of Requirement, an obvious future to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and the ability to fly on broomstick. You never have to buy gasoline.
My favorite class at Hogwarts would probably be... Divination, because I would laugh a lot. Or maybe Ruins with Hermione.
I wonder if there were House Cheerleaders that didn't make the final edit into the book or movies.. I would do that, too. I would cheer for Ron. After all, Weasley is our king.
Fear.
I am scared. Dreadfully so.
But without taking chances, nothing good happens.
The testing of your faith develops perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character leads to hope.
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
But without taking chances, nothing good happens.
The testing of your faith develops perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character leads to hope.
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
11.11.2010
My Day.
I have today off of work, which is so nice. I slept in, since I woke up with a sore throat. And now, though I really WANT to do homework - well, mostly - I have been distracted by "Say Yes to the Dress." I love it.
I stayed in my pajamas until 11:00am, which is something I haven't done in a LONG time.
Also, I have cookie dough cooling in the fridge: Chai Crescent Cookies. Mmmmm.
I stayed in my pajamas until 11:00am, which is something I haven't done in a LONG time.
Also, I have cookie dough cooling in the fridge: Chai Crescent Cookies. Mmmmm.
I Wrote Those A While Ago.
I started my new job. Last Monday. I’ve gotten to wear cute teacher clothes everyday and I love it. Absolutely love it.
My job is not what I expected. I am not teaching, traditional style. I am in a support role, mostly engaged in tutoring and scaffolding students who have fallen behind the rest of their classmates. They have IEPs, goals toward which they are working. My job is to make sure they reach their goals.
Some highlights:
- “THUNDERFEET!!! THUNDERFEET!!!”
- Bus 100 kids
- Teaching… before I was supposed to.
- When a student’s score improved from 70 to 120.
- Looking at a dinosaur book, being told I was an herbivore.
I was introduced to everyone at the staff meeting. People know who I am and why I am here now; hopefully I am no longer just some random girl in the building.
Hopefully I am finding my niche.
Today was my first day of teaching. I have seven different sessions, with a total of twelve students. I teach two programs: Read Naturally and Sonday. The programs are both scripted or entirely student-driven. This means that my opportunity for creativity is somewhat limited. As in, extremely limited.
I’m trying to find the balance between being a substitute… and being a substitute here for a month. What is required of me? I don’t fully understand my role yet. But I like it.
I like knowing that if I am not here, a student won’t be helped like they need to be.
Weary. Heavy-laden.
“Come to Me, you are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest. For My yoke is easy and My burden light.”
My job is not what I expected. I am not teaching, traditional style. I am in a support role, mostly engaged in tutoring and scaffolding students who have fallen behind the rest of their classmates. They have IEPs, goals toward which they are working. My job is to make sure they reach their goals.
Some highlights:
- “THUNDERFEET!!! THUNDERFEET!!!”
- Bus 100 kids
- Teaching… before I was supposed to.
- When a student’s score improved from 70 to 120.
- Looking at a dinosaur book, being told I was an herbivore.
I was introduced to everyone at the staff meeting. People know who I am and why I am here now; hopefully I am no longer just some random girl in the building.
Hopefully I am finding my niche.
Today was my first day of teaching. I have seven different sessions, with a total of twelve students. I teach two programs: Read Naturally and Sonday. The programs are both scripted or entirely student-driven. This means that my opportunity for creativity is somewhat limited. As in, extremely limited.
I’m trying to find the balance between being a substitute… and being a substitute here for a month. What is required of me? I don’t fully understand my role yet. But I like it.
I like knowing that if I am not here, a student won’t be helped like they need to be.
Weary. Heavy-laden.
“Come to Me, you are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest. For My yoke is easy and My burden light.”
10.24.2010
Judging.
Last Tuesday, I interviewed at a private Christian school here in Wasilla. Thanks to help from Chris via Skype, I put together a very nice, professional outfit: black heels, a knee-length gray pencil skirt with a tucked in burnt orange turtleneck, and of course, the recent pink streak in my hair.
Well, I show up at the interview, which was my third of the day, and the principal is cool towards me, at best. Within about five minutes (which was a third of the way through the meeting) she hands me the school handbook and mentions the dress code recorded therein. Ten minutes later, I thank her and we part.
That night, I'm in my room looking over the handbook she gave me. And indeed, I find the dress code.
I had broken EVERY single rule they had, from my shoes to my hair and literally everything in-between.
Shoes were to be closed toed... and mine were not.
Panty-hoes or tights were to be worn... and I was not.
Skirts were to cover your knees at all times, even when sitting... and mine did not.
Skirts also could not have slits in them... and mine did.
Girls could not wear turtleneck, unless they were under a sweater... and mine was not.
And hair could not be unnaturally colored... and mine was.
Oops.
Needless to say, I don't think she'll be calling me back.
But it's interesting. I feel that, based on that dress code alone, they miss the potential for some great teachers to work at their school. I left the interview feeling a little bit judged and inadequate, especially after reading the handbook later. But at the same time, I thought it was insanely ridiculous and funny. To be judged by something like the pink streak in my hair, put there in honor of women I know who have survived breast cancer... insensitive.
And then I think, how many times do I do that to other people - Judge them by how they look? Or talk? Or smell?
Well, I show up at the interview, which was my third of the day, and the principal is cool towards me, at best. Within about five minutes (which was a third of the way through the meeting) she hands me the school handbook and mentions the dress code recorded therein. Ten minutes later, I thank her and we part.
That night, I'm in my room looking over the handbook she gave me. And indeed, I find the dress code.
I had broken EVERY single rule they had, from my shoes to my hair and literally everything in-between.
Shoes were to be closed toed... and mine were not.
Panty-hoes or tights were to be worn... and I was not.
Skirts were to cover your knees at all times, even when sitting... and mine did not.
Skirts also could not have slits in them... and mine did.
Girls could not wear turtleneck, unless they were under a sweater... and mine was not.
And hair could not be unnaturally colored... and mine was.
Oops.
Needless to say, I don't think she'll be calling me back.
But it's interesting. I feel that, based on that dress code alone, they miss the potential for some great teachers to work at their school. I left the interview feeling a little bit judged and inadequate, especially after reading the handbook later. But at the same time, I thought it was insanely ridiculous and funny. To be judged by something like the pink streak in my hair, put there in honor of women I know who have survived breast cancer... insensitive.
And then I think, how many times do I do that to other people - Judge them by how they look? Or talk? Or smell?
10.21.2010
MZE.
Monday: I start a four-week subbing position at an elementary school.
I am so excited; I danced at work when I got the call.
Teaching again. Happy day.
I am so excited; I danced at work when I got the call.
Teaching again. Happy day.
10.14.2010
Part Two.
There is a whole ceremony that surrounds a Jewish betrothal.
First, the father of the groom chooses the Bride for his son.
Then, the Groom and the father of the Bride negotiate a bride price that consists of silver and some material item.
Then, the Groom goes to the Bride's house for the betrothal ceremony.
When he knocks on the door, the Bride must answer. If she does not, she is refusing the proposal and the deal is off.
If she opens the door, the Groom asks to dine and drink the betrothal cup with her.
They share a meal, and a glass of wine.
They invite the Priest and their family in to witness the signing of the legal document. This document outlines what the Groom promises the Bride as his betrothed. Included in this document must be a promise for food, clothing, and sex.
Then, the Groom gives the Bride a plain gold band, to be worn on the index finger of her right hand. This serves as a reminder of their betrothal because next, the Groom leaves for a year to prepare their bridal chamber and house.
When he leaves, the Bride undergoes a year of preparation for their wedding: making food, her wedding gown, and going through several ceremonial bathings.
I am the chosen, betrothed bride of Christ.
I was chosen by His Father, before the creation of the world, before I did anything to deserve it. Why? Because I was created by Him, to show His love to a world that so desperately needs it. The Father's love was not enough; the Son's - my Groom's - love makes me complete.
He paid a great bride price: All of my debt. Ever. For all of my sins. Ever.
Then he came, knocking on my door.
I opened it when I was five years old. I was playing with my Barbies and realized, "I'm a sinner!" I ran to the living room, crying, knelt at the couch, and prayed. I asked God for forgiveness, to save me. Then, I got up, rejoiced, and returned to my Barbies.
We've had betrothal meals, sharing the cup. It's called communion.
He gave me a document, the Word, promising food and clothing - the birds of the air and the flowers of the field do not worry about such things, so why shall I? He even promises to bear fruit, as an earthly husband does for his earthly wife. This is not a baby-fruit; it is spirit-fruit. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control.
He gave me a ring. The Holy Spirit is the seal on my heart, reminding me of our betrothal. And now, He is off preparing a place for us.
Meanwhile, I am being cleansed, purified. I've been washed - baptized. My past has been cleaned away to prepare me for new life with Him.
Life with Him. My Groom.
I am the beautiful, chosen, holy, blameless Bride of Christ. I was chosen, paid for, dined with, and sealed. I am His and He is mine. The rest is History.
First, the father of the groom chooses the Bride for his son.
Then, the Groom and the father of the Bride negotiate a bride price that consists of silver and some material item.
Then, the Groom goes to the Bride's house for the betrothal ceremony.
When he knocks on the door, the Bride must answer. If she does not, she is refusing the proposal and the deal is off.
If she opens the door, the Groom asks to dine and drink the betrothal cup with her.
They share a meal, and a glass of wine.
They invite the Priest and their family in to witness the signing of the legal document. This document outlines what the Groom promises the Bride as his betrothed. Included in this document must be a promise for food, clothing, and sex.
Then, the Groom gives the Bride a plain gold band, to be worn on the index finger of her right hand. This serves as a reminder of their betrothal because next, the Groom leaves for a year to prepare their bridal chamber and house.
When he leaves, the Bride undergoes a year of preparation for their wedding: making food, her wedding gown, and going through several ceremonial bathings.
I am the chosen, betrothed bride of Christ.
I was chosen by His Father, before the creation of the world, before I did anything to deserve it. Why? Because I was created by Him, to show His love to a world that so desperately needs it. The Father's love was not enough; the Son's - my Groom's - love makes me complete.
He paid a great bride price: All of my debt. Ever. For all of my sins. Ever.
Then he came, knocking on my door.
I opened it when I was five years old. I was playing with my Barbies and realized, "I'm a sinner!" I ran to the living room, crying, knelt at the couch, and prayed. I asked God for forgiveness, to save me. Then, I got up, rejoiced, and returned to my Barbies.
We've had betrothal meals, sharing the cup. It's called communion.
He gave me a document, the Word, promising food and clothing - the birds of the air and the flowers of the field do not worry about such things, so why shall I? He even promises to bear fruit, as an earthly husband does for his earthly wife. This is not a baby-fruit; it is spirit-fruit. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control.
He gave me a ring. The Holy Spirit is the seal on my heart, reminding me of our betrothal. And now, He is off preparing a place for us.
Meanwhile, I am being cleansed, purified. I've been washed - baptized. My past has been cleaned away to prepare me for new life with Him.
Life with Him. My Groom.
I am the beautiful, chosen, holy, blameless Bride of Christ. I was chosen, paid for, dined with, and sealed. I am His and He is mine. The rest is History.
Part One.
Okay. I'm ready.
"Melissa! What are you up to these days?"
"Well... I was going to move to India, but instead I'm living at home, working in a warehouse for 40 hours a week."
How much longer will that be my answer? "I was going to move to India..."
But what? But the LORD said no? He told me to go home? I had missed His leading?
As my friend Emily reminded the whole blog-o-sphere... I am in a season of waiting.
What am I doing with the wait?
Complaining. Anticipating the end. Mm, yeah, lots of bitterness....
Everyone said, "J-man will CHANGE your life!! You will never be the same!!"
And they were right.
It only took me a week though - not two years.
I know what it means - how it feels - to be completely outside the will of God. I know the anxiety that accompanies it and it is literally excruciating.
I know what it means - how it feels - to think I'm not allowed to talk to one of the most important people in my life. And it was more difficult than I anticipated. Worst. Ever.
But I know what it means to be obedient, even when it is unexpected and difficult and strenuous. And then, after the initial obedience, I'm learning what it means to continue to have a humble, obedient heart and spirit. That means trusting.
"Melissa! What are you up to these days?"
"Well... I was going to move to India, but instead I'm living at home, working in a warehouse for 40 hours a week."
How much longer will that be my answer? "I was going to move to India..."
But what? But the LORD said no? He told me to go home? I had missed His leading?
As my friend Emily reminded the whole blog-o-sphere... I am in a season of waiting.
What am I doing with the wait?
Complaining. Anticipating the end. Mm, yeah, lots of bitterness....
Everyone said, "J-man will CHANGE your life!! You will never be the same!!"
And they were right.
It only took me a week though - not two years.
I know what it means - how it feels - to be completely outside the will of God. I know the anxiety that accompanies it and it is literally excruciating.
I know what it means - how it feels - to think I'm not allowed to talk to one of the most important people in my life. And it was more difficult than I anticipated. Worst. Ever.
But I know what it means to be obedient, even when it is unexpected and difficult and strenuous. And then, after the initial obedience, I'm learning what it means to continue to have a humble, obedient heart and spirit. That means trusting.
10.11.2010
9.30.2010
9.24.2010
In Honor Of "Love Note Day"...
Dear LORD,
I love You.
I don't say that enough, do I?
And I know I don't show that enough.
I've been thinking, LORD, about what it means to love... what it means to love You. You gave me a definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
So, God, I want to love You like that.
I want to be patient when You tell me to wait for something. Right now that is so difficult - I am home, waiting for something. Help me not be antsy, but to show my love for You by being patient, by waiting for You in Your love.
God, I want to be kind to you, not always angry about some injustice I feel I am facing. I don't want to be bitter. I want to offer my time to You, to share my pie if You want some, to hold Your hand and just be nice like I am to other people. But You are more important, always.
In that, Father, help me not be jealuos or keep an account of wrongs I think I have suffered. I have been jealous - jealous that others have plans and ambitions and right now I don't and I think YOU have done something to cause it.
You haven't.
Help me remember that.
Lord, I remember now that this world is not about promoting my own Kingdom, but Yours. Help me not seek my own so that I can show my love for You.
Well, Abba, this isn't going how I wanted it to. It seems to be a letter about how I've failed You more than how I love You. Sorry. Please, forgive me for my failures. Forgive me for not loving as I should, for not being obedient to the call You have given me.
Thank You for pursuing me. Sleeping in, the messages on the radio, last night's sunset, today's desire of my heart, being intentional about Your pursuit. Thank You. Thank You for Your kindness and for not keeping records of my wrongs. All the ways I want to love You? You show me the perfect example everyday in my life.
Thank You that next week, my parents are celebrating 30 years of marriage. God, that is such a blessing to me, such an encouragement that one day, according to Your will, I will have a relationship like that too. Give me patience to hold out for it, to anticipate it but to be patient now, too.
Lord, You amaze me. You're amazing. Beautiful. Kind. Generous. All-knowing and all-powerful. You bless, You provide, You guide, You guard. You are.
More than anything, Abba Father, You are.
Jehovah.
Love,
Melissa
I love You.
I don't say that enough, do I?
And I know I don't show that enough.
I've been thinking, LORD, about what it means to love... what it means to love You. You gave me a definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
So, God, I want to love You like that.
I want to be patient when You tell me to wait for something. Right now that is so difficult - I am home, waiting for something. Help me not be antsy, but to show my love for You by being patient, by waiting for You in Your love.
God, I want to be kind to you, not always angry about some injustice I feel I am facing. I don't want to be bitter. I want to offer my time to You, to share my pie if You want some, to hold Your hand and just be nice like I am to other people. But You are more important, always.
In that, Father, help me not be jealuos or keep an account of wrongs I think I have suffered. I have been jealous - jealous that others have plans and ambitions and right now I don't and I think YOU have done something to cause it.
You haven't.
Help me remember that.
Lord, I remember now that this world is not about promoting my own Kingdom, but Yours. Help me not seek my own so that I can show my love for You.
Well, Abba, this isn't going how I wanted it to. It seems to be a letter about how I've failed You more than how I love You. Sorry. Please, forgive me for my failures. Forgive me for not loving as I should, for not being obedient to the call You have given me.
Thank You for pursuing me. Sleeping in, the messages on the radio, last night's sunset, today's desire of my heart, being intentional about Your pursuit. Thank You. Thank You for Your kindness and for not keeping records of my wrongs. All the ways I want to love You? You show me the perfect example everyday in my life.
Thank You that next week, my parents are celebrating 30 years of marriage. God, that is such a blessing to me, such an encouragement that one day, according to Your will, I will have a relationship like that too. Give me patience to hold out for it, to anticipate it but to be patient now, too.
Lord, You amaze me. You're amazing. Beautiful. Kind. Generous. All-knowing and all-powerful. You bless, You provide, You guide, You guard. You are.
More than anything, Abba Father, You are.
Jehovah.
Love,
Melissa
9.22.2010
Tonight.
Skyping again.
Thinking about being refined, beauty from pain.
iPod on repeat.
Allowing God to work, waiting for Him to move, patiently resting on His Spirit.
What do I believe?
And do I really believe it or just because I grew up being told to believe it?
How do I know TRUTH?
Happiness is elusive.
Joy is eternal.
God is real, even when I can't feel Him.
Even when I don't want to love Him, He pursues me.
HE PURSUES ME.
Relentlessly. Wholeheartedly. Actively.
And I am running the other way.
The GOD of the Universe pursues me... and too often, I want nothing to do with Him.
I am pathetic.
Thinking about being refined, beauty from pain.
iPod on repeat.
Allowing God to work, waiting for Him to move, patiently resting on His Spirit.
What do I believe?
And do I really believe it or just because I grew up being told to believe it?
How do I know TRUTH?
Happiness is elusive.
Joy is eternal.
God is real, even when I can't feel Him.
Even when I don't want to love Him, He pursues me.
HE PURSUES ME.
Relentlessly. Wholeheartedly. Actively.
And I am running the other way.
The GOD of the Universe pursues me... and too often, I want nothing to do with Him.
I am pathetic.
9.21.2010
Tuesday Tribute.
To my BFFFL:
Who would I be without our weekly trips to B-Street? dancing in the car? shopping too much? cookies? butt punching?
Not me.
Kimberly Louise, your words of encouragement, endless knowledge of all Facebook happenings, and willingness to drive me around before I got a car bless me more than you know. Your love for the Lord and willingness to follow Him, no matter how hard the path may be, is a challenge to me to do the same. Serving with you at Mission Center, watching HSM1, 2, AND 3, and having dance parties made college so great.
You are great.
Thanks, BFFFL, for loving me, supporting me, and telling me to get a clue.
Love, Melissa Louise
9.20.2010
How do I know God exists?
Because I’ve seen the change in my life. I’ve seen Him set me free from fears of inadequacy, failure, and uncertainty. I’ve seen redemption’s process of convicting me of sin, providing the way out, and leading me into New Life with Him. I’ve seen the blessings that can only come from His hand – money for college, a car, a job, a relationship that had never before even crossed my mind yet blesses me daily. I’ve seen my need for Him – how when I get too far from Him for too long, things fall apart. How when I’m not in His will anymore, I fall apart. I’ve seen Him change lives, restore relationships, and continue to work in stubborn hearts, none more so than my own. And yet, I’ve seen Him rub my back lovingly, massage my feet as a friend, and hover above, ready to pour peace into my life. I’ve seen Him greet me, open the door for me, and show me the sunset He painted for me. I’ve danced with Him. I’ve held His nail-pierced hands in my own as I walked to class. I’ve knelt before His throne; He welcomed me there.
I know God exists because without Him, I wouldn’t.
I know God exists because without Him, I wouldn’t.
Burning.
I burned my J-man paperwork… the application, the information from conference, papers from training… It is all in the burn pit in our yard.
As I twisted paper logs and watched the flames, I felt heaviness in my heart of my own selfish volition. I know God told me no, told me to go home. And I did. But I guess I had never closed the door myself.
I am unsure how to rest in God. I don’t understand what that means. My whole life has been teaching Sunday School and VBS, going on mission trips, doing service projects… now, I work in a warehouse for 40 hours a week, inventorying surplus curriculum. I feel so lost. Unsure as to what I’m doing here. I understand and believe that the Lord has me here for a purpose.
And maybe that purpose is to just learn to rest. To rest so that I may be revived, drawn closer to Him, and sent out again.
Maybe to the Bush to teach.
Maybe to West Africa to establish an orphanage.
Maybe to Palmer to develop deep, lasting relationships.
Maybe instead of my hypothesizing and supposing, I should turn off the music, put down my crochet hook, book, even journal, and just SHUT UP already. God shouldn’t have to yell at me to get me to listen; I should be quieted before Him, the Lord of the Universe, my Provider.
As I twisted paper logs and watched the flames, I felt heaviness in my heart of my own selfish volition. I know God told me no, told me to go home. And I did. But I guess I had never closed the door myself.
I am unsure how to rest in God. I don’t understand what that means. My whole life has been teaching Sunday School and VBS, going on mission trips, doing service projects… now, I work in a warehouse for 40 hours a week, inventorying surplus curriculum. I feel so lost. Unsure as to what I’m doing here. I understand and believe that the Lord has me here for a purpose.
And maybe that purpose is to just learn to rest. To rest so that I may be revived, drawn closer to Him, and sent out again.
Maybe to the Bush to teach.
Maybe to West Africa to establish an orphanage.
Maybe to Palmer to develop deep, lasting relationships.
Maybe instead of my hypothesizing and supposing, I should turn off the music, put down my crochet hook, book, even journal, and just SHUT UP already. God shouldn’t have to yell at me to get me to listen; I should be quieted before Him, the Lord of the Universe, my Provider.
9.03.2010
Mat-Su College.
Ha. I got a 10/10 and a "Good Job!" on an assignment for my on-line class...
A class for which I do not have the book,
Did the assignment the day it was due,
And made-up my answers based on what I learned at OBU.
A class for which I do not have the book,
Did the assignment the day it was due,
And made-up my answers based on what I learned at OBU.
Cracked Faith.
In July, it was "Wake me up when September ends."
Now, it seems like a constant countdown to the weekend. Weekends. Seems like they start Thursday night now.
This is what it means to walk by faith:
1. I know that the Most High God wants me here.
2. I don't know why.
3. I will be here anyway.
4. I will continue to do what I know He wants me to do.
5. Right now, that means working in a warehouse, living at home, and spending time with people about whom I care deeply.
Walking by faith is taking a step, even when you don't know where that step will take you. It's saying, "I'll put on my shoes, I'll leave my house, and I'll go wherever you tell me to go."
The hard thing? There are cracks in the sidewalk:
1. I still haven't found a car.
2. I can't afford to go to my BFFFL's wedding.
3. I am taking classes again and had to pay for them, decimating my bank account again.
And yet, the most beautiful flowers bloom in cracks in the sidwalk:
1. Dad and I had a great conversation the other night, before he went to work, about relationships and supporting one another while still speaking Truth into their lives.
2. My parents are still paying my phone bill and for most other things.
3. Sitting and talking, one of my favorite things, is free.
4. Through Christ's death and bloodshed, I am made clean.
Now, it seems like a constant countdown to the weekend. Weekends. Seems like they start Thursday night now.
This is what it means to walk by faith:
1. I know that the Most High God wants me here.
2. I don't know why.
3. I will be here anyway.
4. I will continue to do what I know He wants me to do.
5. Right now, that means working in a warehouse, living at home, and spending time with people about whom I care deeply.
Walking by faith is taking a step, even when you don't know where that step will take you. It's saying, "I'll put on my shoes, I'll leave my house, and I'll go wherever you tell me to go."
The hard thing? There are cracks in the sidewalk:
1. I still haven't found a car.
2. I can't afford to go to my BFFFL's wedding.
3. I am taking classes again and had to pay for them, decimating my bank account again.
And yet, the most beautiful flowers bloom in cracks in the sidwalk:
1. Dad and I had a great conversation the other night, before he went to work, about relationships and supporting one another while still speaking Truth into their lives.
2. My parents are still paying my phone bill and for most other things.
3. Sitting and talking, one of my favorite things, is free.
4. Through Christ's death and bloodshed, I am made clean.
8.17.2010
Work And Teaching.
I'm going to Oklahoma next month for a weekend to take my last certification test.
I am enrolling at Mat-Su to take 2 classes I need for AK certification.
I should have my AK certificate by December.
This is not what I expected.
But it's good.
I'm happy and peaceful.
Currently, I work in a warehouse. Ha. That sounds so ghetto.
I am enrolling at Mat-Su to take 2 classes I need for AK certification.
I should have my AK certificate by December.
This is not what I expected.
But it's good.
I'm happy and peaceful.
Currently, I work in a warehouse. Ha. That sounds so ghetto.
Summer '10.
My friend K posted an overview of her summer, and I began thinking about my own. So, here we go:
Some Highlights (and Lowlights) of Summer 2010:
- Um, hello: Graduation and the following roadtrip. I always forget about that. But it was so nice. Wiffleball. Oregon caves. Driving. My birthday dinner.
- One-year anniversary. :) Thanks, Barbara, for those memories; and Chris. For everything else.
- Rain. Epic amounds of rain. And canoeing on the one nice day.
- Butte Lemonade Stand. Ha.
- Fundue in pretty dresses.
- My new laptop! Happy.
- Sleeping in regularly.
- Virginia. Oh, Virginia. Love/Hate relationship with that week. My people there...
- Sumo Thumb Wrestlers.
- Toy Story 3 and that time we ate at that chicken restaurant that I always thought was shady but was actually really quant. My milkshake was really good. That was the day we went shopping.
- VBS. Oh yeah. I forgot about that, too.
Favorite Part: Those sleepy times when we just talk.
This is the Summer of Being.
Some Highlights (and Lowlights) of Summer 2010:
- Um, hello: Graduation and the following roadtrip. I always forget about that. But it was so nice. Wiffleball. Oregon caves. Driving. My birthday dinner.
- One-year anniversary. :) Thanks, Barbara, for those memories; and Chris. For everything else.
- Rain. Epic amounds of rain. And canoeing on the one nice day.
- Butte Lemonade Stand. Ha.
- Fundue in pretty dresses.
- My new laptop! Happy.
- Sleeping in regularly.
- Virginia. Oh, Virginia. Love/Hate relationship with that week. My people there...
- Sumo Thumb Wrestlers.
- Toy Story 3 and that time we ate at that chicken restaurant that I always thought was shady but was actually really quant. My milkshake was really good. That was the day we went shopping.
- VBS. Oh yeah. I forgot about that, too.
Favorite Part: Those sleepy times when we just talk.
This is the Summer of Being.
Forgiveness.
Someone told me yesterday that the opposite of forgiveness is bitterness.
It reminded me of last semester, when I was so angry and bitter at God.
Then I thought, "What does it look like to forgive God?"
Then He told me, "I haven't done anything wrong. I'm perfect. Rather than you forgiving Me, perhaps you need to seek My forgiveness."
Huh.
It reminded me of last semester, when I was so angry and bitter at God.
Then I thought, "What does it look like to forgive God?"
Then He told me, "I haven't done anything wrong. I'm perfect. Rather than you forgiving Me, perhaps you need to seek My forgiveness."
Huh.
8.04.2010
Last Week.
From 8-1-2010
Well, THAT was unexpected.
I have delayed writing this post for a long time. But the time has come.
I am not moving to South Asia.
Phew. Glad that’s out.
The last week has been so difficult. I faced things I had never before encountered: Anxiety attacks that left me hyperventilating, tingling, and writhing on my bed. Being out of touch with God’s voice to the extent that I didn’t even know where He existed at that moment. Extreme panic and fear that I was not following His plan for my life. Total, complete lack of peace.
My purposes behind moving overseas were based on others’ perceptions of what I should do, not on a calling from the Most High God. I was doing it for others, and myself not for Him. This is not my time.
When that realization hit, with the help of two professional counselors, it became as clear as air that I was not to remain in VA and continue on to South Asia. That realization brought so much relief from everything I had been experiencing. The anxiety attacks ended. The peace of mind returned.
So, what’s next?
I am returning to Alaska where I will get a job and pursue a life He has given me there.
I had this mindset that since God has a heart for the nations, everyone should be a missionary all the time… and I was right. But that act of being a missionary does NOT have to take place in Asia, Europe, or South America. I am still a missionary, even if I am not moving overseas. That calling on my life is not irrevocable. I am still God’s chosen one to bring His Good News to others. I am still precious in His sight.
I also had a mindset that God calls me to pour out everything I have, that if I do not sacrifice everything, regardless of how good it is for me, I will not be following Him… and I was wrong. The thing is, God loves me. He pursues me. He gives me blessings and He expects and desires for me to use them… especially if those blessings make me more like Him. Why would I neglect pouring into those blessings when I could instead foster them?
I had the mindset that though God is in control, I still need to do something about it… and I was wrong about that one also. God has shown me that worrying about anything is ridiculous, especially when I can do nothing to affect whatever it is. For example, I was worried about what to say or do at the Mapping Ceremony… until God reminded me that at that point in time, I could do nothing to impact what would happen except pray. So pray I did. In addition to having more peace, I became more aware of the times when I could act to affect change on that situation. My actions were thus more concise and effective.
I realized the last few days just how powerful God’s word is. Every need I have is met in His word:
Psalm 94:18-19 “When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ Your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul.”
Psalm 119:50 “My comfort in suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.”
Philippians 2:25 “But I think it is necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, fellow worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs.”
So, that’s it. Home. My heart is peaceful and happy.
-------------------------------------
From 8-3-2010
It was easy, deciding to go home. The choice to follow God is an easy decision. My answer is “yes.” I just have to wait for His question. I did not anticipate developing such relationships that I have in the last few days, with people who are called to serve overseas right now. I am proud of them, proud that they know His leading, proud that they can go. I am proud to call them friends.
Saying goodbye was difficult, especially to such joyous, kind, obedient people. Going home to a different culture will be hard. Living there for an extended period of time will be hard. However, already God is testing my dependence on Him.
I’m on the plane now, from Richmond to Atlanta. The flight was about 40 minutes late leaving… completely annihilating any layover I may have. Literally. My next flight will leave around roughly the same time that this flight touches down. But right now, I am on the plane, unable to do anything about it. I can’t tell the pilots to “Step on it!” I can’t get out and push the plane myself, pulling an epic Superman move. All I can do is sit, wait, and be here. Phew.
It’s partially a load off my mind… and partially really excruciatingly difficult to “let go and let God.” But, if nothing else, I’ve learned that God does actually control it all. He actually DOES have me, Melissa J. Krauss, in the palm of His hand. He actually IS holding this plane in the air. He actually DOES have a reason behind me going home. I can’t see it right now. I can’t really feel it right now – apart from that calm, abiding peace – but I will trust Him.
My parents and Chris are picking me up at the airport tonight. I put them through a LOT the last week and as things improved, I felt pretty guilty for being so self-centered. Yes, things were difficult for me, but I failed to see how it would impact them as well. I think they felt a little lost also, unsure how to help from so far away. But they did. I pray they can see that.
Well, THAT was unexpected.
I have delayed writing this post for a long time. But the time has come.
I am not moving to South Asia.
Phew. Glad that’s out.
The last week has been so difficult. I faced things I had never before encountered: Anxiety attacks that left me hyperventilating, tingling, and writhing on my bed. Being out of touch with God’s voice to the extent that I didn’t even know where He existed at that moment. Extreme panic and fear that I was not following His plan for my life. Total, complete lack of peace.
My purposes behind moving overseas were based on others’ perceptions of what I should do, not on a calling from the Most High God. I was doing it for others, and myself not for Him. This is not my time.
When that realization hit, with the help of two professional counselors, it became as clear as air that I was not to remain in VA and continue on to South Asia. That realization brought so much relief from everything I had been experiencing. The anxiety attacks ended. The peace of mind returned.
So, what’s next?
I am returning to Alaska where I will get a job and pursue a life He has given me there.
I had this mindset that since God has a heart for the nations, everyone should be a missionary all the time… and I was right. But that act of being a missionary does NOT have to take place in Asia, Europe, or South America. I am still a missionary, even if I am not moving overseas. That calling on my life is not irrevocable. I am still God’s chosen one to bring His Good News to others. I am still precious in His sight.
I also had a mindset that God calls me to pour out everything I have, that if I do not sacrifice everything, regardless of how good it is for me, I will not be following Him… and I was wrong. The thing is, God loves me. He pursues me. He gives me blessings and He expects and desires for me to use them… especially if those blessings make me more like Him. Why would I neglect pouring into those blessings when I could instead foster them?
I had the mindset that though God is in control, I still need to do something about it… and I was wrong about that one also. God has shown me that worrying about anything is ridiculous, especially when I can do nothing to affect whatever it is. For example, I was worried about what to say or do at the Mapping Ceremony… until God reminded me that at that point in time, I could do nothing to impact what would happen except pray. So pray I did. In addition to having more peace, I became more aware of the times when I could act to affect change on that situation. My actions were thus more concise and effective.
I realized the last few days just how powerful God’s word is. Every need I have is met in His word:
Psalm 94:18-19 “When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ Your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul.”
Psalm 119:50 “My comfort in suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.”
Philippians 2:25 “But I think it is necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, fellow worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs.”
So, that’s it. Home. My heart is peaceful and happy.
-------------------------------------
From 8-3-2010
It was easy, deciding to go home. The choice to follow God is an easy decision. My answer is “yes.” I just have to wait for His question. I did not anticipate developing such relationships that I have in the last few days, with people who are called to serve overseas right now. I am proud of them, proud that they know His leading, proud that they can go. I am proud to call them friends.
Saying goodbye was difficult, especially to such joyous, kind, obedient people. Going home to a different culture will be hard. Living there for an extended period of time will be hard. However, already God is testing my dependence on Him.
I’m on the plane now, from Richmond to Atlanta. The flight was about 40 minutes late leaving… completely annihilating any layover I may have. Literally. My next flight will leave around roughly the same time that this flight touches down. But right now, I am on the plane, unable to do anything about it. I can’t tell the pilots to “Step on it!” I can’t get out and push the plane myself, pulling an epic Superman move. All I can do is sit, wait, and be here. Phew.
It’s partially a load off my mind… and partially really excruciatingly difficult to “let go and let God.” But, if nothing else, I’ve learned that God does actually control it all. He actually DOES have me, Melissa J. Krauss, in the palm of His hand. He actually IS holding this plane in the air. He actually DOES have a reason behind me going home. I can’t see it right now. I can’t really feel it right now – apart from that calm, abiding peace – but I will trust Him.
My parents and Chris are picking me up at the airport tonight. I put them through a LOT the last week and as things improved, I felt pretty guilty for being so self-centered. Yes, things were difficult for me, but I failed to see how it would impact them as well. I think they felt a little lost also, unsure how to help from so far away. But they did. I pray they can see that.
7.27.2010
Virginia.
I made it to Virginia! My bed is made; I am exhausted; Britt Nicole is playing from my speakers. So far, so good!
There were several surprises upon arrival:
1. I need five Southern Baptist churches to be prayer partners with me while I am serving abroad. Oops. Didn't know that part!
2. I signed up for a ministry team... so of course, I picked children's ministry. I don't really know what that entails, but it should be fun!
3. The other 2 Alaskans are here already - the other girl rode here in the van with me.
The internet seems spotty at best.
I would be really excited right now if I were not so tired! Nap, shower, then lunch!
There were several surprises upon arrival:
1. I need five Southern Baptist churches to be prayer partners with me while I am serving abroad. Oops. Didn't know that part!
2. I signed up for a ministry team... so of course, I picked children's ministry. I don't really know what that entails, but it should be fun!
3. The other 2 Alaskans are here already - the other girl rode here in the van with me.
The internet seems spotty at best.
I would be really excited right now if I were not so tired! Nap, shower, then lunch!
7.25.2010
Okay.
I just checked my e-mail for the first time in about a week.
And okay, I am excited.
A lot.
I had 5 new e-mails, all about getting Visas and such. They were encouraging words from team leaders and people who will be at FPO.
This will change my life. I will become more Christlike. This is good. This is good because He is good.
And okay, I am excited.
A lot.
I had 5 new e-mails, all about getting Visas and such. They were encouraging words from team leaders and people who will be at FPO.
This will change my life. I will become more Christlike. This is good. This is good because He is good.
Last Few Days.
Thursday
What a blessing-filled night!!
-"I'm so mad I could DANCE!"
-beautiful necklace and bracelet that are already providing assurance. "Have Faith" then... "Just because you have faith doesn't mean it will be easy."
-journal that is waiting to be filled with my words, thoughts, and emotions during some period of the next two years.
-encouragement from women at my church who serve a pivotal role in my life as role-models and mentors.
I am so blessed.
Friday
Then King David said to the whole assembly, “My son Solomon is young and inexperienced. The task is great because this palatial structure is not for man but for the LORD God.” 2 Chronicles 29:1
This task that I am fixing to start… ooh, it is great!
I have been rather selfish lately, concerned with building my own kingdom, wanting my own life and plans to be brought to fruition rather than His. When He showed me this, I felt great remorse and shame.
Who am I that I should claim to be greater, to know more, to be more important than the Most High God? My view of myself was severely disjointed. Praise the LORD that He is faithful still.
His kingdom must be greater. My desire to serve Him must be all encompassing. He must fill every crevice, every nook, every cranny of my life. And if He doesn’t, I will be ineffective.
I am young an inexperienced… the structure I am building is not for man, but for the LORD God. I have His spirit within me that will guide, comfort, and strengthen me. I must trust in that.
Saturday
Three words: Buzz Lightyear Dancing.
Sunday
Tonight is the first night I’ve felt really, deeply sad about the next stage of life, about leaving things, people, memories… everything I know.
Everyone reminds me that “this will be great!” and “the Lord will do great things!” and I know they’re right. I know they are. And I know that His plan is higher and better than mine. He has things in the works that are completely incomprehensible to me right now.
But this afternoon I went to a soccer game and said bye to a friend, one I won’t see for two years. He’ll get married in that time and do who knows what. He’ll probably move somewhere else. Other friends will be juniors and seniors in college when I get back. And that’s hard.
It’s hard realizing that Alaska does not cease to exist when I leave. I am the center of no one’s world (but my own, and far too often is that true). My parents will continue to work; friends will start school next month; winter and snow will come.
And I will not be here. Ha, I feel so emo right now. Funny – odd – how emotions and my view of the world can change so swiftly, so drastically… here today, gone tomorrow.
Chris and I decided to find a verse that encompasses our relationship, one to which we can cling when things are tense from being long distance. No final decisions yet on which verse it will be.
T-25 hours until take off to Virginia.
What a blessing-filled night!!
-"I'm so mad I could DANCE!"
-beautiful necklace and bracelet that are already providing assurance. "Have Faith" then... "Just because you have faith doesn't mean it will be easy."
-journal that is waiting to be filled with my words, thoughts, and emotions during some period of the next two years.
-encouragement from women at my church who serve a pivotal role in my life as role-models and mentors.
I am so blessed.
Friday
Then King David said to the whole assembly, “My son Solomon is young and inexperienced. The task is great because this palatial structure is not for man but for the LORD God.” 2 Chronicles 29:1
This task that I am fixing to start… ooh, it is great!
I have been rather selfish lately, concerned with building my own kingdom, wanting my own life and plans to be brought to fruition rather than His. When He showed me this, I felt great remorse and shame.
Who am I that I should claim to be greater, to know more, to be more important than the Most High God? My view of myself was severely disjointed. Praise the LORD that He is faithful still.
His kingdom must be greater. My desire to serve Him must be all encompassing. He must fill every crevice, every nook, every cranny of my life. And if He doesn’t, I will be ineffective.
I am young an inexperienced… the structure I am building is not for man, but for the LORD God. I have His spirit within me that will guide, comfort, and strengthen me. I must trust in that.
Saturday
Three words: Buzz Lightyear Dancing.
Sunday
Tonight is the first night I’ve felt really, deeply sad about the next stage of life, about leaving things, people, memories… everything I know.
Everyone reminds me that “this will be great!” and “the Lord will do great things!” and I know they’re right. I know they are. And I know that His plan is higher and better than mine. He has things in the works that are completely incomprehensible to me right now.
But this afternoon I went to a soccer game and said bye to a friend, one I won’t see for two years. He’ll get married in that time and do who knows what. He’ll probably move somewhere else. Other friends will be juniors and seniors in college when I get back. And that’s hard.
It’s hard realizing that Alaska does not cease to exist when I leave. I am the center of no one’s world (but my own, and far too often is that true). My parents will continue to work; friends will start school next month; winter and snow will come.
And I will not be here. Ha, I feel so emo right now. Funny – odd – how emotions and my view of the world can change so swiftly, so drastically… here today, gone tomorrow.
Chris and I decided to find a verse that encompasses our relationship, one to which we can cling when things are tense from being long distance. No final decisions yet on which verse it will be.
T-25 hours until take off to Virginia.
7.16.2010
Ten Days.
I head to Virginia in 10 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...
Top 10 Things I'm Looking Forward To Most About Moving Overseas: (in no particular order)
10. Drinking chai everyday and buying it for about 2 cents from street vendors.
9. Seeing elephants walk down the street in the middle of a bustling city.
8. Bright colors contrasted againts dirty buildings.
7. The simplicity of it all.
6. Never being cold. Ha.
5. Aamir Khan everywhere I look. But not really. But maybe.
4. Buying my own groceries and cooking my own food in my own apartment... with a roommate. Also, having a roommate again (Yay, Ginny!!)
3. Adventures!!!!!
2. Diving into the school system of another country, learning how it works and moves and breathesl; watching students discover life; helping teachers be more effective in their lesson planning and execution.
1. The confidence that I am being obedient.
Top 10 Things I'm Looking Forward To Most About Moving Overseas: (in no particular order)
10. Drinking chai everyday and buying it for about 2 cents from street vendors.
9. Seeing elephants walk down the street in the middle of a bustling city.
8. Bright colors contrasted againts dirty buildings.
7. The simplicity of it all.
6. Never being cold. Ha.
5. Aamir Khan everywhere I look. But not really. But maybe.
4. Buying my own groceries and cooking my own food in my own apartment... with a roommate. Also, having a roommate again (Yay, Ginny!!)
3. Adventures!!!!!
2. Diving into the school system of another country, learning how it works and moves and breathesl; watching students discover life; helping teachers be more effective in their lesson planning and execution.
1. The confidence that I am being obedient.
7.13.2010
Obedience Over Uncertainty.
Two weeks from now, I'll be in VA - reunited with Katie, Melinda, and my other peeps. Oh, happy day! The emotions are mixed... but I keep referring back to things the Father revealed to me on Sunday.
Obedience over uncertainty.
Not allowing the fear of losing something overwhelm the excitement of what could be gained.
Courage to "go there."
My fears are abased on both uncertainties and the certain knowledge that life will change over the course of the next two years. I focus on what I will lose rather than one what I will gain. When that shift happens, doubt, fear, and a sense of aloneness creep in. They shove out any excitement I could have. I am scared to think about what could happen, though - scared that my deepest dreams will not be realized.
Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart."
While studying Ruth last semester, I was struck by the idea of "going there." Kelly Minter wrote in "Ruth: Loss, Love, and Legacy," "Rut was about to 'go there' [with God as she approached the threshing floor]... Some places we can only go with God by ourselves - there's just no way to take anyone with us. It was simply a walk of faith, a humble obedience with no strings attached. And this is the way we must approach our own threshing floors. Without demands. Sometimes in the dark. Alone. But with the expectation that God will always be faithful and good." (92)
I must go there. I must, again, put everything on the threshing floor. I must allow myself time to be alone with Him, as Ruth and Boaz were alone together. I must share with Him; I must dream and think; I must determine the desires of my heart.
David did that, too. He went there. He stepped out of the battle line, though no one else would, and he went to war with Goliath. Before that, he went before the King. He was not afraid, though he could not see exactly how it would end. He was obedient. His faith in the Father was more than enough to give him the courage He needed.
Obedience over uncertainty.
Obedience over uncertainty.
Not allowing the fear of losing something overwhelm the excitement of what could be gained.
Courage to "go there."
My fears are abased on both uncertainties and the certain knowledge that life will change over the course of the next two years. I focus on what I will lose rather than one what I will gain. When that shift happens, doubt, fear, and a sense of aloneness creep in. They shove out any excitement I could have. I am scared to think about what could happen, though - scared that my deepest dreams will not be realized.
Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart."
While studying Ruth last semester, I was struck by the idea of "going there." Kelly Minter wrote in "Ruth: Loss, Love, and Legacy," "Rut was about to 'go there' [with God as she approached the threshing floor]... Some places we can only go with God by ourselves - there's just no way to take anyone with us. It was simply a walk of faith, a humble obedience with no strings attached. And this is the way we must approach our own threshing floors. Without demands. Sometimes in the dark. Alone. But with the expectation that God will always be faithful and good." (92)
I must go there. I must, again, put everything on the threshing floor. I must allow myself time to be alone with Him, as Ruth and Boaz were alone together. I must share with Him; I must dream and think; I must determine the desires of my heart.
David did that, too. He went there. He stepped out of the battle line, though no one else would, and he went to war with Goliath. Before that, he went before the King. He was not afraid, though he could not see exactly how it would end. He was obedient. His faith in the Father was more than enough to give him the courage He needed.
Obedience over uncertainty.
7.07.2010
God Has Chosen You.
This post blessed me a lot today. For your ease of also being encouraged, I copied it here.
Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: John 15:16 KJV
God was the one who formed you, gave you the breath of life, and brought you into the world. He did this so that His arms could embrace you and His love could keep you—He wanted you to know that your relationship with Him would always be of more value than the things He would have you do for Him. He wanted you to be certain that He loved you completely before you ever did anything in His service, so that your service would never become a way of trying to earn His love or favor.
As you came to know His heart and hear His voice, you heard Him speak a call to your life. This call would mean that He would never ask you to do anything for Him that He expected you to do without Him. He alone would be your sufficiency. His only desire is that you daily open your heart to His resources—never saying, “I can’t,” without also being able to say, “He can!”
You are now in the place He has called you. He has made no mistakes in leading you. Even in the hard places He is working out what is best—not only for you and for others, but also for His Kingdom. He is not looking at your statistics or programs to measure you; He is looking at your heart to see if you are faithful. He wants you to know that the results of your obedience are for Him to determine. Be assured that it is His presence that will keep you and make you strong.
You are in God’s place at God’s perfect time. Your days are in His hands, and He is your future. He has gifted you and placed His hand upon you to bless you and make you a blessing. The burden of your ministry is not yours to carry—as you rest, He will work; as you abide, He will bring fruit; as you sow, He will give the increase. He is your shield and your exceeding great reward.
He is your provider. He will take care of you. He will nurture and sustain you. His Spirit is the wind to cool you, the water to refresh you, the power to enable you, the oil to anoint you, and the river that flows through you to touch the lives of others. Continue to be God’s man, in God’s place, doing God’s will, in God’s way, and always remember—God has chosen you!
I've felt a bit of anxiety lately, as I face the fact that there are just 2 and a half weeks left. I received my ticket to VA today; I'm excited. Things are changing. I will stand on the Rock.
Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: John 15:16 KJV
God was the one who formed you, gave you the breath of life, and brought you into the world. He did this so that His arms could embrace you and His love could keep you—He wanted you to know that your relationship with Him would always be of more value than the things He would have you do for Him. He wanted you to be certain that He loved you completely before you ever did anything in His service, so that your service would never become a way of trying to earn His love or favor.
As you came to know His heart and hear His voice, you heard Him speak a call to your life. This call would mean that He would never ask you to do anything for Him that He expected you to do without Him. He alone would be your sufficiency. His only desire is that you daily open your heart to His resources—never saying, “I can’t,” without also being able to say, “He can!”
You are now in the place He has called you. He has made no mistakes in leading you. Even in the hard places He is working out what is best—not only for you and for others, but also for His Kingdom. He is not looking at your statistics or programs to measure you; He is looking at your heart to see if you are faithful. He wants you to know that the results of your obedience are for Him to determine. Be assured that it is His presence that will keep you and make you strong.
You are in God’s place at God’s perfect time. Your days are in His hands, and He is your future. He has gifted you and placed His hand upon you to bless you and make you a blessing. The burden of your ministry is not yours to carry—as you rest, He will work; as you abide, He will bring fruit; as you sow, He will give the increase. He is your shield and your exceeding great reward.
He is your provider. He will take care of you. He will nurture and sustain you. His Spirit is the wind to cool you, the water to refresh you, the power to enable you, the oil to anoint you, and the river that flows through you to touch the lives of others. Continue to be God’s man, in God’s place, doing God’s will, in God’s way, and always remember—God has chosen you!
I've felt a bit of anxiety lately, as I face the fact that there are just 2 and a half weeks left. I received my ticket to VA today; I'm excited. Things are changing. I will stand on the Rock.
6.30.2010
Update.
Less than one more month. Then, less than 3 and a half months.
I came up with this brilliant idea to redecorate my bedroom… why? I’ll be gone for two years. But alas. I painted, rearranged, and redecorated. It’s quite nice. Maybe I chose to do it because it’s like… closing one bedroom door and opening another. Except this door will be in South Asia.
I bought some more Darjeeling tea and have been making chai. Chris and I had some after his soccer game, then I just made some for Dad before he left for work. It tastes different every time since I’m just doing it from memory. My memory is a mixture of when Steve made it last summer and when he made it for the Go-ers Group.
I start work tomorrow. It has been SO nice to sleep in every morning, generally until 9:30am or 10:00am. But Mom and I report tomorrow around 7:30am. I will dress professionally, since there is a new superintendent and I have high hopes of being hired by the district in two years. Who knows if this dude will still be here, or if I will want to be here, but we’ll see.
“We’ll see.” That’s such an odd phrase. Growing up, my parents said it to me when they really wanted to say no to something I asked but didn’t quite want to crush my dreams. Ha. Now, I guess I say it because I really don’t know what’s going to happen. Which is exciting and epic and fantastic and so scary that I don’t know what to do. Besides that whole walk-by-faith thing.
Ha.
This has been a good week: painting, hiking in the fog, inventing horror stories, crocheting, midnight premieres, lunch at V-Ho, decorating my room. Mom and I are hanging out tonight. I feel as if I have not seen her in FOREVER.
I’m realizing more and more how I will miss my parents when I move. And not just my parents, or “my people” here, but… Alaska and life here. I have not seen the sun in WEEKS. (But really, I won’t miss that. I like the sun.) And at the same time, I’m realizing more and more how excited I am about the next step. Bright colored clothes contrasted with dirty buildings. Smells of spices and food wafting from street vendors. Chai on the streets. A flat with a girl I don’t know. Yet.
I want to learn to dance, to hang out with school children, to impact something bigger than myself. This is the time to do that. Twenty-two years old and not really tied down to anything...
Camping this weekend, for the 4th of July. When I typed “July” I thought “Whoo-lie” in my mind. The Spanish version of July? Ha. Seward with Han and Jade. Last time I was there was with Emily, and we bought Crab Hats. Oh, that was fun.
I came up with this brilliant idea to redecorate my bedroom… why? I’ll be gone for two years. But alas. I painted, rearranged, and redecorated. It’s quite nice. Maybe I chose to do it because it’s like… closing one bedroom door and opening another. Except this door will be in South Asia.
I bought some more Darjeeling tea and have been making chai. Chris and I had some after his soccer game, then I just made some for Dad before he left for work. It tastes different every time since I’m just doing it from memory. My memory is a mixture of when Steve made it last summer and when he made it for the Go-ers Group.
I start work tomorrow. It has been SO nice to sleep in every morning, generally until 9:30am or 10:00am. But Mom and I report tomorrow around 7:30am. I will dress professionally, since there is a new superintendent and I have high hopes of being hired by the district in two years. Who knows if this dude will still be here, or if I will want to be here, but we’ll see.
“We’ll see.” That’s such an odd phrase. Growing up, my parents said it to me when they really wanted to say no to something I asked but didn’t quite want to crush my dreams. Ha. Now, I guess I say it because I really don’t know what’s going to happen. Which is exciting and epic and fantastic and so scary that I don’t know what to do. Besides that whole walk-by-faith thing.
Ha.
This has been a good week: painting, hiking in the fog, inventing horror stories, crocheting, midnight premieres, lunch at V-Ho, decorating my room. Mom and I are hanging out tonight. I feel as if I have not seen her in FOREVER.
I’m realizing more and more how I will miss my parents when I move. And not just my parents, or “my people” here, but… Alaska and life here. I have not seen the sun in WEEKS. (But really, I won’t miss that. I like the sun.) And at the same time, I’m realizing more and more how excited I am about the next step. Bright colored clothes contrasted with dirty buildings. Smells of spices and food wafting from street vendors. Chai on the streets. A flat with a girl I don’t know. Yet.
I want to learn to dance, to hang out with school children, to impact something bigger than myself. This is the time to do that. Twenty-two years old and not really tied down to anything...
Camping this weekend, for the 4th of July. When I typed “July” I thought “Whoo-lie” in my mind. The Spanish version of July? Ha. Seward with Han and Jade. Last time I was there was with Emily, and we bought Crab Hats. Oh, that was fun.
6.24.2010
Summer In Alaska.
Me and Cody during our Butte picnic. We forged our own path through the brush, making the Tuesday Night Preposition Club trail. Chris was there too. It as windy on top and we got dirt everywhere. Even in our mouths. Also, we were shot at, almost attacked by a bear, and met some Israeli gunmen.
Camping at Rolly Lake with Janelle, Megan, and Sydni. Our reunion campout, minus Maria. Except this time, we were able to start a fire, did NOT have veggie dogs, and stayed dry. We talked long into the night, when Syd finally showed up. We ate a whole bag of chips and had s'mores for breakfast. The creepy campers nearby wanted to kill us.
Me and Hannie, playing "Let's Hide!" in Palmer. Jade was going to the bathroom. This game is only fun if you are part of the hiding team. This round, we hid in the Palmer garden. Then, though we ordered it, a pizza was NOT delivered to the Palmer Public Library sign for us. How rude. We waited for over an hour.
Camping at Rolly Lake with Janelle, Megan, and Sydni. Our reunion campout, minus Maria. Except this time, we were able to start a fire, did NOT have veggie dogs, and stayed dry. We talked long into the night, when Syd finally showed up. We ate a whole bag of chips and had s'mores for breakfast. The creepy campers nearby wanted to kill us.
Me and Hannie, playing "Let's Hide!" in Palmer. Jade was going to the bathroom. This game is only fun if you are part of the hiding team. This round, we hid in the Palmer garden. Then, though we ordered it, a pizza was NOT delivered to the Palmer Public Library sign for us. How rude. We waited for over an hour.
6.22.2010
Waiting.
Oh boy, oh boy.
Is it really the end of June? I graduated roughly 6 weeks ago. I returned home 3 weeks ago.
And so many questions have been going through my head for the last week that I can’t even STAND it anymore. Really? Let’s be done with it.
What are we doing?
2 Peter 1:3-4 has been on my mind a lot. Confirmation for my next step has come in so many different forms: conversations, verses, speakers, fellowship… He is always faithful. He always meets my needs because He freaking owns everything. I am called to be a good steward. Easy enough.
Not. It takes constant vigilance. (That reminds me of Harry Potter’s occlumency lessons with Snape.)
But I am tired. Just… tired.
What are we doing?
We are waiting. What a sigh of relief, knowing that He does have a plan, that it is good, and that He will work it out. I feel so much more peace knowing what we are doing. Waiting.
I feel like Ruth, after she lays everything down at Boaz’s feet, having changed out of her mourning clothes, and must simply wait until morning. Because she could just wait, she was able to spend uninterrupted time with Boaz. I bet they talked all night long. I bet they shared stories and secrets and fell more in love than they already were. She rested in the waiting, but she also grew in the waiting.
Is it really the end of June? I graduated roughly 6 weeks ago. I returned home 3 weeks ago.
And so many questions have been going through my head for the last week that I can’t even STAND it anymore. Really? Let’s be done with it.
What are we doing?
2 Peter 1:3-4 has been on my mind a lot. Confirmation for my next step has come in so many different forms: conversations, verses, speakers, fellowship… He is always faithful. He always meets my needs because He freaking owns everything. I am called to be a good steward. Easy enough.
Not. It takes constant vigilance. (That reminds me of Harry Potter’s occlumency lessons with Snape.)
But I am tired. Just… tired.
What are we doing?
We are waiting. What a sigh of relief, knowing that He does have a plan, that it is good, and that He will work it out. I feel so much more peace knowing what we are doing. Waiting.
I feel like Ruth, after she lays everything down at Boaz’s feet, having changed out of her mourning clothes, and must simply wait until morning. Because she could just wait, she was able to spend uninterrupted time with Boaz. I bet they talked all night long. I bet they shared stories and secrets and fell more in love than they already were. She rested in the waiting, but she also grew in the waiting.
6.10.2010
Blink. Revive. Breathe.
It's been a while. 15 days, eh? That's half of a month.
Home no longer feels like home. I have spent the last 4 years investing in Oklahoma life. My people, my hobbies, my everything took root there. Now, the knowledge that in less than 4 months I am moving to another country is keeping me from planting my life here again.
The problem? Without planting my life, I cannot develop and grow relationships. I cannot make a difference. I will be rendered useless for the Kingdom, a huge fear in my life.
I listened to the radio tonight while washing dishes and a new song came on, one I have not heard before. It's called "Blink," by the band Revive. The lyrics are as follows:
Teach me to number my days
And count every moment
Before it slips away
Take in all the colors
Before they fade to grey
I don't want to miss
Even just a second
More of this
It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?
This week is VBS and I teach the 3rd/4th grade class. I love spending time with them, challenging them (and myself). But have I savored my time with them, plunging full-force into everything? And if not, will I?
Home no longer feels like home. I have spent the last 4 years investing in Oklahoma life. My people, my hobbies, my everything took root there. Now, the knowledge that in less than 4 months I am moving to another country is keeping me from planting my life here again.
The problem? Without planting my life, I cannot develop and grow relationships. I cannot make a difference. I will be rendered useless for the Kingdom, a huge fear in my life.
I listened to the radio tonight while washing dishes and a new song came on, one I have not heard before. It's called "Blink," by the band Revive. The lyrics are as follows:
Teach me to number my days
And count every moment
Before it slips away
Take in all the colors
Before they fade to grey
I don't want to miss
Even just a second
More of this
It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?
This week is VBS and I teach the 3rd/4th grade class. I love spending time with them, challenging them (and myself). But have I savored my time with them, plunging full-force into everything? And if not, will I?
5.26.2010
Another Year Older.
Today is my birthday. I am now 22 years old. I feel that that is much older than 21, though for reasons I cannot really identify. Maybe because I'm a year past the drinking age. Maybe because now I'm also a college graduate. Maybe because now, I've had my own apartment and my own life... and I've had to move away from it all.
I miss Oklahoma. I miss feeling like I have a home - my place - to be.
I love birthdays. :) A lot.
Tonight we are having dinner at home, per my request. Chicken stuffed with spinach and cheese; macaroni and cheese; fruit salad; asparagus; dinner rolls; and then... le creme de le creme: ice cream cake.
Chris bought me a dinosaur egg and it is hatching in my room at Grandma's as I type. We'll have the same birthday, me and the T-Rex. "T-Rex" makes me think of tea, which makes me think of Chai, which I am drinking in a cafe right now. So I think that's what I'll name it: Chai. Or Chai Baby.
Last night I was thinking about the last year. Being 21.
I went to South Asia. I broke up. I served as a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding in New York. I co-founded the MNHC. I climbed mountains. I started dating. I was a Tro-W during welcome week. I moved into my own apartment with roommates and was so blessed all year by one of them. I became OBU's Harvest Court 2009 Best All Around female and I bought a beautiful dress. I spent Thanksgiving with my grandparents for the first time ever. I showshoed up a mountain. I applied for, was accepted as, and chose to serve with the J-man program. I met Katie, with whom I actually just got off the phone. Nice timing. I ran 5K. I learned to play tennis. I started a mini-hat business. I learned to bat. I student taught in 4th grade. I planned and carried out a great exploration activity about Africa for my students. I roadtripped with two awesome girls to North Carolina. I went to Bill Pope's house for dinner. My portfolio and assessment project were kept as examples of good work. I graduated Summe Cum Laude. I began a roadtrip with my parents and boyfriend across the country, meaning that this year, I traveled from one end of I-40 to the other end. I learned a lot. More than I ever thought possible.
Wow. It's been good. Maybe the best so far.
I miss Oklahoma. I miss feeling like I have a home - my place - to be.
I love birthdays. :) A lot.
Tonight we are having dinner at home, per my request. Chicken stuffed with spinach and cheese; macaroni and cheese; fruit salad; asparagus; dinner rolls; and then... le creme de le creme: ice cream cake.
Chris bought me a dinosaur egg and it is hatching in my room at Grandma's as I type. We'll have the same birthday, me and the T-Rex. "T-Rex" makes me think of tea, which makes me think of Chai, which I am drinking in a cafe right now. So I think that's what I'll name it: Chai. Or Chai Baby.
Last night I was thinking about the last year. Being 21.
I went to South Asia. I broke up. I served as a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding in New York. I co-founded the MNHC. I climbed mountains. I started dating. I was a Tro-W during welcome week. I moved into my own apartment with roommates and was so blessed all year by one of them. I became OBU's Harvest Court 2009 Best All Around female and I bought a beautiful dress. I spent Thanksgiving with my grandparents for the first time ever. I showshoed up a mountain. I applied for, was accepted as, and chose to serve with the J-man program. I met Katie, with whom I actually just got off the phone. Nice timing. I ran 5K. I learned to play tennis. I started a mini-hat business. I learned to bat. I student taught in 4th grade. I planned and carried out a great exploration activity about Africa for my students. I roadtripped with two awesome girls to North Carolina. I went to Bill Pope's house for dinner. My portfolio and assessment project were kept as examples of good work. I graduated Summe Cum Laude. I began a roadtrip with my parents and boyfriend across the country, meaning that this year, I traveled from one end of I-40 to the other end. I learned a lot. More than I ever thought possible.
Wow. It's been good. Maybe the best so far.
5.14.2010
One Day.
This is it. There is one day until graduation. 1 Day. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...
Top 1 Memory at OBU: (in no particular order) (ha)
1.
This was too hard. There are so many. Sorry.
- Late night wiffle ball on the tennis courts.
- The GC dance party after The Spring Affair Show and the IHOP coup that occurred thereafter.
- Tagging cars with Helena.
- Tie-dye.
- That time I went to get a haircut, then got distracted, and ended up just driving around Oklahoma for about 2 hours, talking to my Father.
- Dinner at Bill Pope's.
- Harvest Court photo shoots.
- The awkward first meeting with my India family.
- When Dr. Akin called me out on my attitude.
- B-street with Kim.
- Having Emily as a roommate.
- And Katie.
- Pacing at the airport for two hours, then seeing him come through security.
- Summer visits from Helena and Crab Hat Girl.
- When Kim and I went to Wal Mart late one night and that boy jumped in her sun roof at the stop light while we were in the middle of singing "Party in the USA."
- Chair racing in the ARA at a late night breakfast, then falling backward. In front of everyone.
- Working for the Mafia.
- Finding the dead bird in the Kerr attic.
- Movie premiers.
- Photo shoots.
- Ruth.
- That night at Saturday in the Park (but was really Saturday at OBU) when I was really mad at God and He put me in my place. That was really nice.
- Senior year.
Top 1 Memory at OBU: (in no particular order) (ha)
1.
This was too hard. There are so many. Sorry.
- Late night wiffle ball on the tennis courts.
- The GC dance party after The Spring Affair Show and the IHOP coup that occurred thereafter.
- Tagging cars with Helena.
- Tie-dye.
- That time I went to get a haircut, then got distracted, and ended up just driving around Oklahoma for about 2 hours, talking to my Father.
- Dinner at Bill Pope's.
- Harvest Court photo shoots.
- The awkward first meeting with my India family.
- When Dr. Akin called me out on my attitude.
- B-street with Kim.
- Having Emily as a roommate.
- And Katie.
- Pacing at the airport for two hours, then seeing him come through security.
- Summer visits from Helena and Crab Hat Girl.
- When Kim and I went to Wal Mart late one night and that boy jumped in her sun roof at the stop light while we were in the middle of singing "Party in the USA."
- Chair racing in the ARA at a late night breakfast, then falling backward. In front of everyone.
- Working for the Mafia.
- Finding the dead bird in the Kerr attic.
- Movie premiers.
- Photo shoots.
- Ruth.
- That night at Saturday in the Park (but was really Saturday at OBU) when I was really mad at God and He put me in my place. That was really nice.
- Senior year.
5.13.2010
Two Days.
There is way less than one half week until graduation. 2 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...
Top 2 Things the Father Taught Me During my Time at OBU: (in no particular order)
2. Love. Being in South Africa, spending time with Tahmee, changed my life. Literally. This precious then-3-year-old girl became one of the brightest stars in my life. Through love - legitimate, full, godly love - this girl was transformed and I was there to witness it. No longer was she scared, robotic, and alone. She was a regular girl, playing on the swings, holding my hand, wanting me to tickle her.
If I love like I am supposed to - really, truly - the world will change. People will see that there is more, that cars and money and clothes are not the end all, be all in life.
1. Sacrifice. Ohhhh this was a hard one to learn. It took e on a rooftop, after reading John 12:1-8 over and over and over. I had reached the end of my rope and was broken, waiting on my knees for Him to come. So He did. It was great. But so hard. Learning that I need to be Mary - pouring out my perfume for the King, giving the most important thing to gain a closer relationship with Him...
.jpg)
Sacrifice means saying, "This thing I value is worth less than You and knowing You. It is hard, but must be done. Mary did not pour out her perfume then try and scoop it back into the container. She poured it out and let it be, His feet anointed.
This was a hard post to write. There are so many things He taught me. How could I possibly narrow it down? But these are the things that drastically changed my perception of the world. Other things have to - the importance of sacrifice, obedience, and being less ego-centric.
Top 2 Things the Father Taught Me During my Time at OBU: (in no particular order)
2. Love. Being in South Africa, spending time with Tahmee, changed my life. Literally. This precious then-3-year-old girl became one of the brightest stars in my life. Through love - legitimate, full, godly love - this girl was transformed and I was there to witness it. No longer was she scared, robotic, and alone. She was a regular girl, playing on the swings, holding my hand, wanting me to tickle her.
If I love like I am supposed to - really, truly - the world will change. People will see that there is more, that cars and money and clothes are not the end all, be all in life.
1. Sacrifice. Ohhhh this was a hard one to learn. It took e on a rooftop, after reading John 12:1-8 over and over and over. I had reached the end of my rope and was broken, waiting on my knees for Him to come. So He did. It was great. But so hard. Learning that I need to be Mary - pouring out my perfume for the King, giving the most important thing to gain a closer relationship with Him...
.jpg)
Sacrifice means saying, "This thing I value is worth less than You and knowing You. It is hard, but must be done. Mary did not pour out her perfume then try and scoop it back into the container. She poured it out and let it be, His feet anointed.
This was a hard post to write. There are so many things He taught me. How could I possibly narrow it down? But these are the things that drastically changed my perception of the world. Other things have to - the importance of sacrifice, obedience, and being less ego-centric.
5.12.2010
Three Days.
There is just one half week until graduation. 3 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...
Top 3 Professors Who Impacted My Life at OBU: (in no particular order)
3. Dr. Akin - Such creativity and passion for teaching. Inspiring. Honest, sometimes brutally so. But that's often needed in my life.
2. Dr. James - So caring and compassionate. Understanding. Full of grace.
1. Dr. Belshe - My advisor who saw me teach the most out of anyone. Encouraging, loves books. Happy. Has the BEST office of anyone EVER - just scores of bookshelves filled with books - chapter books, picture books, classroom book sets, poetry. Love it.
Thanks!
.jpg)
Top 3 Professors Who Impacted My Life at OBU: (in no particular order)
3. Dr. Akin - Such creativity and passion for teaching. Inspiring. Honest, sometimes brutally so. But that's often needed in my life.
2. Dr. James - So caring and compassionate. Understanding. Full of grace.
1. Dr. Belshe - My advisor who saw me teach the most out of anyone. Encouraging, loves books. Happy. Has the BEST office of anyone EVER - just scores of bookshelves filled with books - chapter books, picture books, classroom book sets, poetry. Love it.
Thanks!
.jpg)
5.11.2010
Four Days.
There is just one half week until graduation. 4 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...
Top 4 Places I Visited/Vacations I Took While in College: (in no particular order)
4. Washington, D.C. Random trip during spring break 2007. Seriously? So odd. Whatever. We stepped in gross fountain water. I was thrown into a trashcan. We creeped on the White House.
3. Trip to Seward with Crab Hat Girl! Of course, because of the trip, we have our Crab Hats. There was a great boat ride also. Also, creeping on Sarah Palin. And having photo shoots in Hatcher's Pass. And playing Twister on the Butte.
.jpg)
2. Thanksgiving Trip to Grandma and Grandpa's in Oregon. Mmm... happy. I'm their favorite. It's okay to be jealous.
.jpg)
1. Elvis Presley's birthplace. Best stop EVER on the Epic Spring Break 2010 Roadtrip. Thanks, Heather and Emily for being willing to pull of the highway in order to visit this historical place. It changed my life... Oh, and South of the Border. Thank goodness for Pedro. He lives on.
.JPG)
Honorable Mentions Go To:
- the Shawnee Emergency Room.
- Indian restaurants around the world.
- My 19th birthday trip to Whittier with Cody and Kristina.
- Memphis.
- Dinosaurs in Wichita.
- Beating Emily on the tennis courts.
Top 4 Places I Visited/Vacations I Took While in College: (in no particular order)
4. Washington, D.C. Random trip during spring break 2007. Seriously? So odd. Whatever. We stepped in gross fountain water. I was thrown into a trashcan. We creeped on the White House.
3. Trip to Seward with Crab Hat Girl! Of course, because of the trip, we have our Crab Hats. There was a great boat ride also. Also, creeping on Sarah Palin. And having photo shoots in Hatcher's Pass. And playing Twister on the Butte.
.jpg)
2. Thanksgiving Trip to Grandma and Grandpa's in Oregon. Mmm... happy. I'm their favorite. It's okay to be jealous.
.jpg)
1. Elvis Presley's birthplace. Best stop EVER on the Epic Spring Break 2010 Roadtrip. Thanks, Heather and Emily for being willing to pull of the highway in order to visit this historical place. It changed my life... Oh, and South of the Border. Thank goodness for Pedro. He lives on.
.JPG)
Honorable Mentions Go To:
- the Shawnee Emergency Room.
- Indian restaurants around the world.
- My 19th birthday trip to Whittier with Cody and Kristina.
- Memphis.
- Dinosaurs in Wichita.
- Beating Emily on the tennis courts.
5.10.2010
Five Days.
There is just under one week until graduation. 5 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...
Top 5 Songs That Define College For Me: (in no particular order)
5. "Set the World on Fire" by Britt Nicole. It kind of encompasses junior year - the summer after Africa, before South Asia. There is such a burning desire in my to make Him known in the world.
4. "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. Kim and I experienced countless car rides jamming and dancing to this song. Like the time we went to WalMart. We were dancing at a red light, with her sun roof open, and all of a sudden, a boy JUMPED onto the top of her SUV. He leaned in through the sun roof, totally freaking us out. Oh, it was funny.
3. "Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City. Awesome concert (I read "Holes" while waiting for it to start). We danced in the huge crowd. A boy gave me his spot so that I could video this song. I like the imagery - how it describes a relationship between two people. "The spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly."
2. "Makeup" by Jesse McCartney. Oh, Han - you know you love it. Admit it.
1. "I Gotta Feeling" by Black Eyed Peas. The dance party, CAB, car rides, dancing with Em in the apartment. This song has helped relieve so much stress and given me so many reasons to just laugh and savor.
Top 5 Songs That Define College For Me: (in no particular order)
5. "Set the World on Fire" by Britt Nicole. It kind of encompasses junior year - the summer after Africa, before South Asia. There is such a burning desire in my to make Him known in the world.
4. "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. Kim and I experienced countless car rides jamming and dancing to this song. Like the time we went to WalMart. We were dancing at a red light, with her sun roof open, and all of a sudden, a boy JUMPED onto the top of her SUV. He leaned in through the sun roof, totally freaking us out. Oh, it was funny.
3. "Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City. Awesome concert (I read "Holes" while waiting for it to start). We danced in the huge crowd. A boy gave me his spot so that I could video this song. I like the imagery - how it describes a relationship between two people. "The spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly."
2. "Makeup" by Jesse McCartney. Oh, Han - you know you love it. Admit it.
1. "I Gotta Feeling" by Black Eyed Peas. The dance party, CAB, car rides, dancing with Em in the apartment. This song has helped relieve so much stress and given me so many reasons to just laugh and savor.
5.09.2010
Six Days.
There is just under one week until graduation. 6 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...
Top 6 Groups of People who Have Most Impacted My Life: (in no particular order)
6. India Family - Steve, Kyle, Daniel, Jordan, Hannah. Squeezing in rickshaws and vans, eating Jack Fruit, riding elephants, climbing rocks, visiting temples... you helped shape my view of Asia and the world as a whole.
.jpg)
5. Senior Woman's Bible Study - Lindsey, Anne, Spring, Cari, Kim. You encouraged me to pursue the Father, listened to my enthusiasm about Ruth, and supported everything.
.jpg)
4. J-Man Peeps - Katie, Melinda, my small group. Oh em gee. Again, I am so grateful.
3. Roomies - EMILY, Dani, and Megan. Oh man. So many fun times. Em, I'm so glad we got to live together. I would have been SO lost without you this year!
2. Residents - Oh, you girls are precious. And my other former residents - oh, you make me so happy. I love seeing what God is doing in your lives.
.jpg)
1. Other - The girls who most impacted my life: The OCBF and the BFFFL. Time and relationships have changed things, but you two will probably always be the most influential people in my time at OBU. Like, for reals.
.jpg)
OH GOSH! The others -
Monday Night Hiking Club.
My Sisters.
Church (here and in Alaska)
My grandparents, Brad and Paige, my Parents, etc.
Top 6 Groups of People who Have Most Impacted My Life: (in no particular order)
6. India Family - Steve, Kyle, Daniel, Jordan, Hannah. Squeezing in rickshaws and vans, eating Jack Fruit, riding elephants, climbing rocks, visiting temples... you helped shape my view of Asia and the world as a whole.
.jpg)
5. Senior Woman's Bible Study - Lindsey, Anne, Spring, Cari, Kim. You encouraged me to pursue the Father, listened to my enthusiasm about Ruth, and supported everything.
.jpg)
4. J-Man Peeps - Katie, Melinda, my small group. Oh em gee. Again, I am so grateful.
3. Roomies - EMILY, Dani, and Megan. Oh man. So many fun times. Em, I'm so glad we got to live together. I would have been SO lost without you this year!
2. Residents - Oh, you girls are precious. And my other former residents - oh, you make me so happy. I love seeing what God is doing in your lives.
.jpg)
1. Other - The girls who most impacted my life: The OCBF and the BFFFL. Time and relationships have changed things, but you two will probably always be the most influential people in my time at OBU. Like, for reals.
.jpg)
OH GOSH! The others -
Monday Night Hiking Club.
My Sisters.
Church (here and in Alaska)
My grandparents, Brad and Paige, my Parents, etc.
5.08.2010
Seven Days.
There is just one week until graduation. 7 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...
Top 7 Movies Seen While at OBU: (in no particular order)
7. "The Last Song." I feel that our Spring Break 2010 road trip inspired this movie. Don't tell Nicholas Sparks.
6. "High School Musical." Kim and I rocked out to HSM 1, 2, and 3 more times than I can count. Who cares if we're in college? High school lives on.
5. "Twilight" and "New Moon." Midnight premiers both times. Epic. Yes, we squealed when Edward and Jacob came on screen.
4. "Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." Melinda, Dayla, and I saw this at the midnight premier for my birthday. We wore crowns and thanked people for coming to "our movie."
3. "The Back-Up Plan." I saw this one last night with Emily, Kim, Anne, and Lindsey! It was SO funny. And awkward. The birthing scene in the pool? Oh man... but he kept the penny!
2. "Ghajini" and "Lagaan." I almost left this one off! Oh, Bollywood... We watched "Ghajini" at the game reserve, on slow-motion. It took 5 hours. But I loved every minute of it! It was almost weird to watch it in regular time. Then "Lagaan" we watched at orientation. It was our first introduction to Aamir Khan. The boys all bought Buvan shirts.
1. "Dumb and Dumber." This only makes the list because of what it represents: spending time with friends, doing the random, ridiculous, off-the-wall things that don't make sense to anyone else, but to you it is completely epic. You know the things about which I'm talking: 80s Movie Nights, Playing Twister on the Butte, having dinner with the campus photographer, chalking campus, etc.
Top 7 Movies Seen While at OBU: (in no particular order)
7. "The Last Song." I feel that our Spring Break 2010 road trip inspired this movie. Don't tell Nicholas Sparks.
6. "High School Musical." Kim and I rocked out to HSM 1, 2, and 3 more times than I can count. Who cares if we're in college? High school lives on.
5. "Twilight" and "New Moon." Midnight premiers both times. Epic. Yes, we squealed when Edward and Jacob came on screen.
4. "Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." Melinda, Dayla, and I saw this at the midnight premier for my birthday. We wore crowns and thanked people for coming to "our movie."
3. "The Back-Up Plan." I saw this one last night with Emily, Kim, Anne, and Lindsey! It was SO funny. And awkward. The birthing scene in the pool? Oh man... but he kept the penny!
2. "Ghajini" and "Lagaan." I almost left this one off! Oh, Bollywood... We watched "Ghajini" at the game reserve, on slow-motion. It took 5 hours. But I loved every minute of it! It was almost weird to watch it in regular time. Then "Lagaan" we watched at orientation. It was our first introduction to Aamir Khan. The boys all bought Buvan shirts.
1. "Dumb and Dumber." This only makes the list because of what it represents: spending time with friends, doing the random, ridiculous, off-the-wall things that don't make sense to anyone else, but to you it is completely epic. You know the things about which I'm talking: 80s Movie Nights, Playing Twister on the Butte, having dinner with the campus photographer, chalking campus, etc.
5.07.2010
Eight Days.
There is just under week and a half until graduation. 8 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...
Top 8 Favorite Classes at OBU: (in no particular order)
8. Environmental Science: hanging out on the North 40 with Jon and Jenna, finding animals and poop and documenting the changes in our bird house.
7. Reading Methods 4-8: I started out really scared of teaching 8th graders English. But in the end, I had so much fun!
6. Social Studies Methods: L.A. was great - Chicano art, pinatas, drawing on walls... what a great assignment. I learned so much and had a great time.
5. Philosophy: I really did not understand anything... but I had a great time trying to convince the professor that the Army > Navy. We won't focus on the fact that my grade in that class made me work my butt off last January to fix my GPA.
4. Reading Methods PK-3: Dr. Gregory is SO sweet!! That alone made this class great. Plus, I got to learn phonics!
3. Speech: We gave two speeches all semester. My favorite part though? Wearing an Eskimo dress to be prop for my friend's speech in another class.
2. Art and Music for Elementary Students: We played instruments and did art projects. I got my personality T-shirt out of the deal.
1. Children's Literature: I read really fun books all semester. What could be better?
Top 8 Favorite Classes at OBU: (in no particular order)
8. Environmental Science: hanging out on the North 40 with Jon and Jenna, finding animals and poop and documenting the changes in our bird house.
7. Reading Methods 4-8: I started out really scared of teaching 8th graders English. But in the end, I had so much fun!
6. Social Studies Methods: L.A. was great - Chicano art, pinatas, drawing on walls... what a great assignment. I learned so much and had a great time.
5. Philosophy: I really did not understand anything... but I had a great time trying to convince the professor that the Army > Navy. We won't focus on the fact that my grade in that class made me work my butt off last January to fix my GPA.
4. Reading Methods PK-3: Dr. Gregory is SO sweet!! That alone made this class great. Plus, I got to learn phonics!
3. Speech: We gave two speeches all semester. My favorite part though? Wearing an Eskimo dress to be prop for my friend's speech in another class.
2. Art and Music for Elementary Students: We played instruments and did art projects. I got my personality T-shirt out of the deal.
1. Children's Literature: I read really fun books all semester. What could be better?
5.06.2010
Nine Days!
There is a week and a half until graduation. 9 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...
Top 9 Most Embarrassing Moments: (in no particular order)
9. Wetting the bed. Twice.
8. Dislocating my elbow while riding my longboard.
7. The fact that the nurse knows my name.
6. This one time, while teaching 8th grade English, I was in the parking lot and my skirt flew up in the wind.
5. When Bill Pope gave me an ashamed look after his daughter told him I was dancing in the hallway of their house...to Justin Bieber.
4. The Butt Punch Game.
3. Buying putty to fix the hole we put in the Head RA Apartment from longboarding. Oops.
2. Hahaha - the goat skit.
1. Setting the fire alarm off in Kerr. On a Saturday morning. At 9am.
Top 9 Most Embarrassing Moments: (in no particular order)
9. Wetting the bed. Twice.
8. Dislocating my elbow while riding my longboard.
7. The fact that the nurse knows my name.
6. This one time, while teaching 8th grade English, I was in the parking lot and my skirt flew up in the wind.
5. When Bill Pope gave me an ashamed look after his daughter told him I was dancing in the hallway of their house...to Justin Bieber.
4. The Butt Punch Game.
3. Buying putty to fix the hole we put in the Head RA Apartment from longboarding. Oops.
2. Hahaha - the goat skit.
1. Setting the fire alarm off in Kerr. On a Saturday morning. At 9am.
5.05.2010
Running From Camera.
Oh my word. This made me laugh really hard today. So of course, I ran right outside and wanted to try it myself. And - this may be my new favorite thing!
5.04.2010
Tuesday Tribute.
To my Family:
Thank you.
With you, I laughed and cried and yelled. I fell in poop. I rode an elephant. I ate my first mango and hosted Mango Talks. I began to like chai. I felt supported, loved, and encouraged everyday. With you, I felt confident about the calling my Father put on my life. I was safe walking to the internet cafe.
We played Nerts and sang songs and went shopping and "Namascar"ed and bought food from vendors and stayed up late talking and joking and playing Truth or Dare. We laughed about my wetting the bed, Hannah losing everything, Jordan never using a squattie, Daniel and Kyle hugging on the couch, Steve refusing to pay "White Man's Tex." Henna. Nose piercings. Aamir Khan. We had our roles in the family.
Steve: Chai maker.
Daniel: music player.
Kyle: Dad.
Jordan: informer of books.
Hannah: clown.
You impacted my life in ways you will never understand. All of you. Thank you for... being you. For being used. For making a difference. For standing firm, strong in who you are as individuals and a family unit. Thank you that we are family. Thank you for making time for us to be family. I look forward to those times so much. I will feel lost returning "home" without you.
So please come visit me. Kay, thanks.
Thank you.
With you, I laughed and cried and yelled. I fell in poop. I rode an elephant. I ate my first mango and hosted Mango Talks. I began to like chai. I felt supported, loved, and encouraged everyday. With you, I felt confident about the calling my Father put on my life. I was safe walking to the internet cafe.
We played Nerts and sang songs and went shopping and "Namascar"ed and bought food from vendors and stayed up late talking and joking and playing Truth or Dare. We laughed about my wetting the bed, Hannah losing everything, Jordan never using a squattie, Daniel and Kyle hugging on the couch, Steve refusing to pay "White Man's Tex." Henna. Nose piercings. Aamir Khan. We had our roles in the family.
Steve: Chai maker.
Daniel: music player.
Kyle: Dad.
Jordan: informer of books.
Hannah: clown.
You impacted my life in ways you will never understand. All of you. Thank you for... being you. For being used. For making a difference. For standing firm, strong in who you are as individuals and a family unit. Thank you that we are family. Thank you for making time for us to be family. I look forward to those times so much. I will feel lost returning "home" without you.
So please come visit me. Kay, thanks.
Ruth.
I just finished the Ruth study.
So much I want to say about it... but I'll just say this:
Ruth did not know how everything was going to turn out. She couldn't flip ahead a few chapters and read the happy ending like I can with her story. All she knew was that her husband died and her mom-in-law was moving back to Bethlehem. So Ruth decided to move also.
She was faithful. She was obedient.
Because of her obedience to return to Bethlehem, the prophecies were fulfilled. Through her romance with Boaz, a Baby Boy was born, thousands of years later, who would be the most important Baby of all time. If Ruth had chosen to stay in Moab, to not leave with her mom-in-law, to do her own thing... it would have been different. The Baby would have still been born because our Father is not limited by us. But Ruth would not have had a part in it.
I cannot help thinking that I do not know how things will turn out post-October 5th. Ha, I can't flip ahead and see the ending my Father sees. All I know is that He has called me to be obedient and faithful. My choosing to be faithful now will have eternal consequences. Perhaps a great love story will come out of this. Perhaps I will revolutionize education. Perhaps I'll become a Bollywood star. I mean, who knows?
Not Ruth.
Not me.
My Father does not change. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever; same from the time of Abraham, Ezekiel, and Amos; same here and overseas; same when I am scared and happy and angry and crying. My human antics do not determine or limit the work He is doing in me and the world.
So much I want to say about it... but I'll just say this:
Ruth did not know how everything was going to turn out. She couldn't flip ahead a few chapters and read the happy ending like I can with her story. All she knew was that her husband died and her mom-in-law was moving back to Bethlehem. So Ruth decided to move also.
She was faithful. She was obedient.
Because of her obedience to return to Bethlehem, the prophecies were fulfilled. Through her romance with Boaz, a Baby Boy was born, thousands of years later, who would be the most important Baby of all time. If Ruth had chosen to stay in Moab, to not leave with her mom-in-law, to do her own thing... it would have been different. The Baby would have still been born because our Father is not limited by us. But Ruth would not have had a part in it.
I cannot help thinking that I do not know how things will turn out post-October 5th. Ha, I can't flip ahead and see the ending my Father sees. All I know is that He has called me to be obedient and faithful. My choosing to be faithful now will have eternal consequences. Perhaps a great love story will come out of this. Perhaps I will revolutionize education. Perhaps I'll become a Bollywood star. I mean, who knows?
Not Ruth.
Not me.
My Father does not change. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever; same from the time of Abraham, Ezekiel, and Amos; same here and overseas; same when I am scared and happy and angry and crying. My human antics do not determine or limit the work He is doing in me and the world.
Last Night.
Last night, I had the opportunity to reflect on my J-man journey so far by sharing it with other people who are committed to the same things as me. The same passions, fear, apprehensions, and uncertainties consume all of us. And that's so comforting. My story is different from most, I think... but I wouldn't change it for anything.
Last night, I wrote in my journal and opened my Bible like always. Ezekiel 2:1-3:15. The Father told Ezekiel that he was being sent to people who would not listen, who would stubbornly shut their ears and refuse to listen. He told Ezekiel to keep speaking, to continue with his message, no matter how long it takes. Then He sent Ezekiel on his way... and Ezekiel went angry and bitter in his spirit. And then... upon reaching his destination, Ezekiel was overwhelmed.
Last night, I realized that I am like Ezekiel in more ways than I care to acknowledge. I have been so bitter and angry, wearing my mourning clothes rather than clothing myself anew with the Spirit. And how ridiculous.
Last night, I wrote in my journal and opened my Bible like always. Ezekiel 2:1-3:15. The Father told Ezekiel that he was being sent to people who would not listen, who would stubbornly shut their ears and refuse to listen. He told Ezekiel to keep speaking, to continue with his message, no matter how long it takes. Then He sent Ezekiel on his way... and Ezekiel went angry and bitter in his spirit. And then... upon reaching his destination, Ezekiel was overwhelmed.
Last night, I realized that I am like Ezekiel in more ways than I care to acknowledge. I have been so bitter and angry, wearing my mourning clothes rather than clothing myself anew with the Spirit. And how ridiculous.
5.01.2010
14 Days.
There are two weeks until graduation. 14 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...
Top 14 Lessons Learned At OBU (Outside of the Classroom):
(in no particular order)
14. Long boarding down a hallway = bad idea.
13. Long boarding when late to class = another bad idea; also = broken elbow.
12. Finding a BFFFL is the best thing you can do.
11. You can always find enough quarters for a sno cone.
10. The best moments are unplanned.
9. Friends become family, especially in foreign countries.
8. Only some people will appreciate wetting-the-bed stories.
7. It's a lot harder to be yourself when you lack an awareness of who you are as an individual, separate from your home and people.
6. To obey is greater than sacrifice. (Well, actually, I learned that first semester, freshman year in Old Testament with Dr. Hall. But it really came to life outside of the classroom.)
5. People will know your business. Just get over it.
4. Photo shoots can make any dull day awesome.
3. It is important to take time to just be with the Father. I really learned that this year. I gained an awareness than I need Him, more than to just fulfill my needs. I need Him for everything.
2. Some memories are indescribable with words and images. I think back on things, like the North 40, French class, and Butt Punching, and all I can do is sit and smile and re-feel those moments.
1. The Father still works. I may not see it or get it or believe it, but He does. He always is because He loves.
Top 14 Lessons Learned At OBU (Outside of the Classroom):
(in no particular order)
14. Long boarding down a hallway = bad idea.
13. Long boarding when late to class = another bad idea; also = broken elbow.
12. Finding a BFFFL is the best thing you can do.
11. You can always find enough quarters for a sno cone.
10. The best moments are unplanned.
9. Friends become family, especially in foreign countries.
8. Only some people will appreciate wetting-the-bed stories.
7. It's a lot harder to be yourself when you lack an awareness of who you are as an individual, separate from your home and people.
6. To obey is greater than sacrifice. (Well, actually, I learned that first semester, freshman year in Old Testament with Dr. Hall. But it really came to life outside of the classroom.)
5. People will know your business. Just get over it.
4. Photo shoots can make any dull day awesome.
3. It is important to take time to just be with the Father. I really learned that this year. I gained an awareness than I need Him, more than to just fulfill my needs. I need Him for everything.
2. Some memories are indescribable with words and images. I think back on things, like the North 40, French class, and Butt Punching, and all I can do is sit and smile and re-feel those moments.
1. The Father still works. I may not see it or get it or believe it, but He does. He always is because He loves.
4.30.2010
.JPG)
.jpg)
.jpg)
4.29.2010
4.26.2010
Well, THAT Was Eventful.
Emergency Room
Double pink-eye (thanks, Roomie!)
Sinus infection (where'd THAT come from?)
Blood sample.
"There's NO chance she's pregnant!"
CAT scan of my brain.
Riding in wheel chairs.
Freaking out - being scared.
Lying bed, watching the Food Network.
So many nurses.
The man who leads music at church. Random.
He said it was nice to meet me. Ha.
New prescriptions.
21 days.
7 days.
So tired.
Is it summer yet?
Double pink-eye (thanks, Roomie!)
Sinus infection (where'd THAT come from?)
Blood sample.
"There's NO chance she's pregnant!"
CAT scan of my brain.
Riding in wheel chairs.
Freaking out - being scared.
Lying bed, watching the Food Network.
So many nurses.
The man who leads music at church. Random.
He said it was nice to meet me. Ha.
New prescriptions.
21 days.
7 days.
So tired.
Is it summer yet?
4.25.2010
Tuesday Tribute (Even Though Today Is Sunday).
.JPG)
Oh Katie...
Man, I don't even know how to start this. I am SO thankful for you. Our Father put you in my life at the perfect time, under the perfect circumstances. I can't even express it.
Late night talking.
Exploring.
Photo shoots.
Unspoken understandings.
I am pumped to see what you do and where you go over the next few years. You have my support. I'm pumped to spend WEEKS with you in July and August.
I am proud of you for not losing faith when the world tumbles. You cling firm to what you believe because you know that without it, you are nothing. You speak truth into my life and challenge me to be more like Him. Thank you.
4.24.2010
21 Days.
There are three weeks until graduation. 21 Days. So, in honor of that, following is a list of my...
Top 21 Memories of Life at OBU:
(in no particular order)
21. Mattress surfing down Raley steps.
20. Ultimate Mud Frisbee, followed by a bath in the fountain.
19. Chalking a professor's driveway.
18. Biscuits and gravy with Helena.
17. "Twilight" movie premier... and the pictures that accompanied it.
16. 80s movie night - four times.
15. Dance party in the GC following Spring Affair.
14. Emceeing Biggie. :) :) :)
13. CML Buddy Dates.
12. Ghost Hunting.
11. Benedict Street dates with my BFFFL.
10. Going to "the Nav."
9. Talking with Emily about everything, interspersed with dance parties.
8. North 40 during science with Jenna and Jon.
7. Social Studies Project.
6. When Cody and Heather came up to visit and that whole weekend.
5. Roadtrip - Spring Break 2010.
4. Thanksgiving at Grandma and Grandpa's.
3. Seeing the dinosaurs in Kansas.
2. TBHL.
1. 8th Grade English.
It's been a good run.
Top 21 Memories of Life at OBU:
(in no particular order)
21. Mattress surfing down Raley steps.
20. Ultimate Mud Frisbee, followed by a bath in the fountain.
19. Chalking a professor's driveway.
18. Biscuits and gravy with Helena.
17. "Twilight" movie premier... and the pictures that accompanied it.
16. 80s movie night - four times.
15. Dance party in the GC following Spring Affair.
14. Emceeing Biggie. :) :) :)
13. CML Buddy Dates.
12. Ghost Hunting.
11. Benedict Street dates with my BFFFL.
10. Going to "the Nav."
9. Talking with Emily about everything, interspersed with dance parties.
8. North 40 during science with Jenna and Jon.
7. Social Studies Project.
6. When Cody and Heather came up to visit and that whole weekend.
5. Roadtrip - Spring Break 2010.
4. Thanksgiving at Grandma and Grandpa's.
3. Seeing the dinosaurs in Kansas.
2. TBHL.
1. 8th Grade English.
It's been a good run.
4.19.2010
Time. Chantal Kreviazuk.
Things are ending.
I'm done with my last class at OBU. I have 9 more days of student teaching. Yesterday I tried on my graduation robe. I'm slowly going through my belongings, getting rid of unnecessary things.
Time. Where did you go? Why did you leave me here alone?
I'm done with my last class at OBU. I have 9 more days of student teaching. Yesterday I tried on my graduation robe. I'm slowly going through my belongings, getting rid of unnecessary things.
Time. Where did you go? Why did you leave me here alone?
4.14.2010
Ruth.
I have been very bitter and angry, not wanting to take off my mourning clothes and lay at His feet, as Ruth did in the presence of Boaz. I have not been wanting to prepare myself, not wanting to end my pity party, not wanting to seek His guidance, comfort, and peace.
I knew that when I was ready, He was too. I felt Him urging.
Delayed obedience is disobedience. Well, shoot.
Talk about a slap in the face. (This was a good thing; when He gives me it straight, it's always good. It may hurt, but that's why it's good. It's making me more like Him.)
Ruth was a woman - she was probably hesitant to go to Boaz, hesitant to lay at his feet, dressed in her best clothes, under the cover of night. There's always a fear of rejection. But when Boaz realized she was there, he offered ultimate redemption, proclaiming his love and devotion to her.
Man.
"Hanging on to every word You speak because it's all that I need. Hanging on to every word You say to light up my way. Even every little whisper, I'm hanging on as if it were my life. I'm hanging on."
I knew that when I was ready, He was too. I felt Him urging.
Delayed obedience is disobedience. Well, shoot.
Talk about a slap in the face. (This was a good thing; when He gives me it straight, it's always good. It may hurt, but that's why it's good. It's making me more like Him.)
Ruth was a woman - she was probably hesitant to go to Boaz, hesitant to lay at his feet, dressed in her best clothes, under the cover of night. There's always a fear of rejection. But when Boaz realized she was there, he offered ultimate redemption, proclaiming his love and devotion to her.
Man.
"Hanging on to every word You speak because it's all that I need. Hanging on to every word You say to light up my way. Even every little whisper, I'm hanging on as if it were my life. I'm hanging on."
4.11.2010
4.07.2010
My Africa.
I just watched a video from my time in South Africa. I want to go back so desperately and yet somehow I know that this is not the time. For reasons unbeknown to me, I cannot return yet.
I hate that.
But I trust Him.
In the videos I watched, I heard the kids say my name the way they did: "Moleesa." One boy sang the goodbye song. Vuyi. Mbali. Tahmee. Sofanee. Candace. They were all there. They are all still there. But are they? Are they all there? Are they all okay? Tahmee - has she found a home? My precious girl.
On Friday, we are "Experiencing Africa." I am planning activities for all afternoon; the students will make maps, weave place-mats, go on a safari, read books, learn about apartheid, and find out more about the culture. It's a culminating activity for reading "The White Giraffe." It's been a lot of work getting it together, but I think it will be worth it.
I want them to experience the Africa I experienced. I want them to taste it, to touch it, to feel it, to know it. I want them to be changed as I was. And oh, I want to return. I will wait for His timing, as much as it hurts, as much as I don't want to, I will. His will is greater than mine.
I hate that.
But I trust Him.
In the videos I watched, I heard the kids say my name the way they did: "Moleesa." One boy sang the goodbye song. Vuyi. Mbali. Tahmee. Sofanee. Candace. They were all there. They are all still there. But are they? Are they all there? Are they all okay? Tahmee - has she found a home? My precious girl.
On Friday, we are "Experiencing Africa." I am planning activities for all afternoon; the students will make maps, weave place-mats, go on a safari, read books, learn about apartheid, and find out more about the culture. It's a culminating activity for reading "The White Giraffe." It's been a lot of work getting it together, but I think it will be worth it.
I want them to experience the Africa I experienced. I want them to taste it, to touch it, to feel it, to know it. I want them to be changed as I was. And oh, I want to return. I will wait for His timing, as much as it hurts, as much as I don't want to, I will. His will is greater than mine.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
4.05.2010
At Lake Hefner.
On days like today, when I feel overwhelmed and slightly awed by the fact that the last four years about to close, I like to just sit and think.
I've been contemplating a lot of things lately. Being His bride. The wedding feast. Kindness. Love. Laughter. I've been reflecting on relationships. School. What I want for the future. Art. Creativity. Who I am.
But more than anything, who He is.
I've had this thought, almost continually - walking down the hall at Cross Timbers, driving, sitting, talking, typing, it's constantly there. And that's that He is on the throne. Literally. Right there, to the right of the Father, seated with all glory and splendor around Him, He is there. Despite the troubles I'm facing right now, despite the work and the stress and the and the and the... He is on the throne. He IS. I know it. I can rest in it.
What the Book says about Him being there? Yeah, it's true. What the Book says about the wedding feast? It will happen. What it says about His return? It's coming. I like that.
I like that my little circumstances in Oklahoma, which seem so big and overwhelming to me, are nothing to Him. Not that He doesn't care - because He totally does - but because He is sovereign over them. He knows how they turn out. He wants me to trust, to chase lions, to be His bride. He wants me for His. I cannot let the things of this world deter me from being His.
I've been contemplating a lot of things lately. Being His bride. The wedding feast. Kindness. Love. Laughter. I've been reflecting on relationships. School. What I want for the future. Art. Creativity. Who I am.
But more than anything, who He is.
I've had this thought, almost continually - walking down the hall at Cross Timbers, driving, sitting, talking, typing, it's constantly there. And that's that He is on the throne. Literally. Right there, to the right of the Father, seated with all glory and splendor around Him, He is there. Despite the troubles I'm facing right now, despite the work and the stress and the and the and the... He is on the throne. He IS. I know it. I can rest in it.
What the Book says about Him being there? Yeah, it's true. What the Book says about the wedding feast? It will happen. What it says about His return? It's coming. I like that.
I like that my little circumstances in Oklahoma, which seem so big and overwhelming to me, are nothing to Him. Not that He doesn't care - because He totally does - but because He is sovereign over them. He knows how they turn out. He wants me to trust, to chase lions, to be His bride. He wants me for His. I cannot let the things of this world deter me from being His.
4.03.2010
You're Beautiful. Phil Wickham.
It. Is. Beautiful. Outside.
I have been wearing shorts after school for the last 3 days. Today I took a nap outside in the hammock. Maybe Oklahoma's not so bad. Ha - I finally realize that, four years later.
The trees are starting to bud.
Flowers are opening up.
The cat is pregnant.
Love is in the air.
Beauty is in the air.
I've probably listened to this song about 200 times (literally) in the last month. I can't help it. So I'm sorry if this is redundant. It's what I've been thinking about. Beauty. Sacrifice. Forgiveness. Bride. Chosen. Sanctification. Kindness. Work Ethics. Love. LOVE.
Love and laughter and life and and and...
I have been wearing shorts after school for the last 3 days. Today I took a nap outside in the hammock. Maybe Oklahoma's not so bad. Ha - I finally realize that, four years later.
The trees are starting to bud.
Flowers are opening up.
The cat is pregnant.
Love is in the air.
Beauty is in the air.
I've probably listened to this song about 200 times (literally) in the last month. I can't help it. So I'm sorry if this is redundant. It's what I've been thinking about. Beauty. Sacrifice. Forgiveness. Bride. Chosen. Sanctification. Kindness. Work Ethics. Love. LOVE.
Love and laughter and life and and and...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)