Funny.

I really have enjoyed my time with Shaun. I know, some of the posts may not reflect that, but I'm more apt to blog when things are bad than when things are good. I have laughed so much with him lately, and have loved just spending time with him, doing whatever.

Ha. Last night, his brother and his brother's girlfriend went out drinking with her brothers. They came back at 2:30 in the morning, totally tipsy, borderline drunk. It was not impressive (at all). They were just laying on the floor, laughing at everything, unable to remember commercials from like 10 seconds ago. Shaun and I excused ourselves and went to the computer room and talked about it. And by then it was about 3:00am and we were hungry, so we went to the kitchen and just started talking. And oh my gosh. We laughed so much at them and each other and our conversations.

Guess you had to be there.

Tonight we're going to a New Year's Party with the college/career group at his church. I'm making fruit pizza. Shaun's making chili. Mmmmmm...

Then tomorrow at 7:30am, my flight leaves to go HOME!

Curves.

My Thoughts About Curves While In The Car On The Drive Home From Dinner At Red Lobster:
- Hiding from Mrs. Ornquist in the Prayer Room.
- How Curves started out with animosity and ended up saving our friendship.
- Getting angry when people didn't obey The Voice.
- Sam.
- Answering the question on the board.
- When Sam quit and the new girl started writing the questions.
- Our parking spaces.
- Racing.
- Always being right next to each other at the stations.
- Sharing thoughts and fears and memories.
- The smelly ladies.
- The time I was in a car accident after school, and she beat me there.

25 Random Things About Me.

1. I felt more at home in Africa than at OBU.
2. I don't think I'm very good at making really close friends. I only know about 7 people that I would feel comfortable calling in the middle of the night with a problem, and two of those people are my parents.
3. My music taste varies greatly, depending on my mood, but I always like music with a good beat.
4. I only watch movies if I know - or there is a good chance - that the main characters will fall in love in the end. If they don't, the movie is no good, regardless of the rest of the story or artistic elements.
5. My favorite purchases this last semester were wind-up sushi and a blue and white striped button up long sleeve tee.
6. Art.... love it. Makes my heart, mind, soul, and life so much happier. I love taking raw materials and creating stuff.
7. My favorite number is 7.
8. Luke is my favorite Gospel.
9. Being an RA is such a challenge and sometimes I don't think I'm up to it. But then I'll have that moment with a resident, whether it's just passing them in the hall, or watching the History Channel for like 6 hours, and that moment makes the whole thing worth it.
10. I'm pretty good at the game Khet. It's like chess...with lasers and mirrors.
11. I love being home in Alaska... in our messy, random-filled, comfortable, keep-your-shoes-on-at-the-door, constantly-being-remodeled house.
12. I like to take boring situations and make them...not boring. And apparently I have a knack for it.
13. Birthdays are VERY important to me. At home, we have a special tablecloth that we use on people's birthdays, and a place mat for the birthday person, and a banner, and the birthday person gets to pick whatever they want for dinner. And no matter what, it's okay because you can always say, "It's my Birthday!!"
14. Present shopping is a very personal thing for me. I don't like to go with other people and I don't like being rushed. I love giving people presents and seeing their surprised and gleeful faces when they open it, knowing that they love it.
15. I seek affirmation, sometimes in the wrong places.
16. I wouldn't trade growing up in Alaska for anything. I love knowing how to shoot a machine gun, change a tire, and dress for -20 weather. I love being able to tell when it's safe to drive on ice and how harsh of a winter we'll have by the height of weeds. I love knowing what Studded Tires are and I love that we get paid for living there. I love having moose walk through my backyard. And I love the V-Ho.
17. It's a challenge for me to allow Jesus to be my Romancer.
18. I didn't get my first kiss until age 18.
19. I like to drive and my goal next semester is to road trip to Louisiana. With someone. Anyone. Preferably some random person I don't know that well.
20. As a baby, I sucked on my middle finger and ring finger rather than on my thumb.
21. My favorite stuffed animal, Snuggle Bear, was locked in Hannah's storage for 6 or 7 years while she lived in Germany and Australia. When Snuggle Bear and I were finally reunited, I cried.
22. Sometimes I drool in my sleep.
23. Little dogs annoy the crap out of me. A dog needs to be big and scary, but also cuddly and active. When it barks, it needs to be intimidating, not ear-splitting.
24. Green is my favorite color.
25. I like to cook - not bake - because seeing how the random raw ingredients combine to make a delectable dish is awe-inspiring. Like, taking shrimp and jalapeno peppers and cumin and limes and mixing it all up... soo good.

Playing Games With My Heart.

My name is Melissa.
I do not have the right to win at anything.
If, heaven forbid, I have a shot at winning, all other players are required to conspire against me to prevent me from winning.
Because if I win, the world, as we know it, will end.

My name is Melissa.
People wonder why I get frustrated when people pool their resources to beat me at a game that shouldn't be (and isn't) a big deal until I may possibly win.

My name is Melissa.
According to my boyfriend, it's better for a man to win than for his girlfriend.

My name is Melissa.
I feel the love.

Artist.

A Definition of Me: Artist.

I made a couple of my Christmas presents this year: a sweater vest for Ashely, a nice red scarf for Susan, and a beautiful purple and quiviut scarf for my Mom. I love having raw materials set in front of me, with a couple of tools, and making something unique out of them. When I make something, it becomes a part of me, an extension of who I am, an extension that can be seen and held and felt and enjoyed.

Painting captures me in such a way that even my worst days end up okay after I have created something truly enjoyable. I love sharing that feeling with other people, who may or may not get it. Shaun and I painted a picture together one day, and seeing how he interacted with the paint and how he approached the canvas was really eye-opening. He expected perfection and when he didn't get it, he was so upset at himself. Meanwhile, I approached it in an entirely different manner, not really planning, but just picking colors and going for it. The thing is, art doesn't have to be perfect. It's okay to just make it up as you go.

I made a personality T-shirt. I hadn't meant to make it all in one night. But I started, then I couldn't stop. It's like I had to finish my design - I had to finish expressing myself in that medium. It turned out so well. It's me... only wearable. (Though I guess I wear myself every day...)

My favorite class this last semester was my Art and Music for Elementary Students. We made pottery, weaved baskets, played with clay, designed masks, and water-color painted. Walking into the art building every Thursday was... fantastic. If I wasn't an elementary education major, I would totally major in art. Or, if it wasn't too late, I would minor in art education.

Art: the products of human creativity

Feeling Fine.

Tooting my own horn:

I got my grades. Another 4.0. I'm proud of myself for achieving that, but I never really felt challenged this semester. It's a good thing I'm majoring in something I love because even when it's hard it's so much fun.

This whole "Lose Weight in 2008" thing... how'd it go? Well, it went okay. I'm down a pants size from last year. I want 2009 to be even better for me, not just physically. So "Feeling Fine in 2009" takes off on January 1st.

I want to spend the year becoming more confident in who I am as a woman, as a sister, as a friend, as a daughter, as a teacher. I want to get in even better shape than I am now. I want to be random and make good friends. I want to find out what really matters to me, what I'm actually good at, what is a blessing to God and others.

Love.

Love is sacrifice.
Love is forgiveness.
Love is a back rub after someone is mean.
Love is patience.
Love is missing someone, but letting them hang out with other people.

Love is hard.

Love came to earth, a humble baby, born in a stable.
Love hung on the cross, broken for me.
Love didn't call the angels to save Him.
Love walked out of the tomb.

Love is brave.

Love smells bad sometimes.
Love feels good sometimes.
Love spends money sometimes and loves returns things sometimes.

"Wanna Play Me?" - Napoleon.

Ha, Napoleon. How you make me laugh and miss home. I remember when Brad came home from West Point for Christmas the year it came out, and he kept saying, "GOSH!" and "Tina! You fat lard!" We weren't sure what was going on. Then we bought the movie and watched it, and my dad laughed through the WHOLE thing. Napoleon reminds us of a certain family member. Then Jeff bought Dad a Kip poster, and he hung it on Mom and Dad's bedroom door... like 3 years ago. And it's still there.

I miss my family.

It kind of sucks - a lot - not being home this Christmas. It's just not the same at all. We always have Christmas snacks out, and our tree up, and presents everywhere, and secrets.... and Mom and I shop together to just spend time together.

The Randall's don't. We went last-minute shopping yesterday, and I was so frustrated. Part of why I love Christmas comes from picking the perfect present, wrapping it, and waiting for that moment to come when that person opens it. I love looking through stores, finding things I want and finding things that that person would LOVE. Christmas shopping for me is a very personal thing. I don't like to do it with other people or when I'm thinking about other things.

That's not how they do it.

Today is my Dad's birthday. I'm not there. I tried to call him earlier, but couldn't get through. No reception, since I broke the antenna on my phone.

I checked my grades on-line... and I dominated. A 4.0 for the 4th semester in a row. Those two dang B's first semester. They're ruining me.

Christmastime is here. Happiness and Cheer. But it won't really feel like it until January 1st at about 2:30pm.

Earth Science.

Update on science test: I didn't even have to take it, since I have an A in the class. But I did anyway, just to see how well I would do. And I finished in 5 minutes.

DOMINATION is my middle name.

Here.

I have an earth science final in 17 minutes. I studied for about 8 hours last night, and looked at it today until I realized that I was driving myself crazy. I have a bad feeling about it. I have a solid grade in the class, but since the final is worth 20%, there's a chance I could lose that awesome grade...particularly if I absolutely BOMB it.

I still have a huge desire to re-do prom. Maybe when I go home, friends will dress up and "prom" with me...as in, dress up and go out to eat, then have a dance party.

To Do At Home:
1. Become friends with Mia.
2. Sleepover with sisters.
3. Sledding - with Dad, with sisters, with Tony.
4. VHO!!
5. Work :(

I'm listening to Hellogoodbye to pump me up. It isn't working.

6. Christmas, take 2.
7. Get a month membership to ATT Sports Complex; workout.
8. Maybe go tanning... eh?
9. Mom/daughter day.
10. Be confident.
11. Celebrate my awesome grade in Science...I hope.

Do You Know What I Know?

Alas. Two finals. And packing. And cleaning - hardcore cleaning. And some crocheting to do still.

Mmmm. I love this time of year.

Cworgs.

Last Friday at Mission Center, Kathleen (age 7) and I had the following conversation while walking home, after seeing a dog with no tail on our way to Mission Center:

Kathleen: I'm sure glad I'm not a dog with my tail cut off!
Me: What if you were? What would you say?
Kathleen: I'd say "woof! woof! woof!" [laughs]
Me: [laughs] Really? I'd say "WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!!" I wouldn't want them to cut off my tail! I'd be scared! [laughs]
Kathleen: [laughs] Oh, me too!
Me: What if you were a little dog, like a chihuahua? What would you say?
Kathleen: "Yip! Yip! Yip!" [both laugh]

Conversation continues with other animals getting their tails cut off: cats ["MEOW!!! MEOW!!! MEOW!!!], birds ["SQWACK!!! SQWACK!!! SQWACK!!!'], lambs ["BAA!!! BAA!!! BAA!!!"], cows ["MOOO!!! MOO!!!! MOOOOO!!"], horses ["NEIGH!!! NEIGH!!! NEIGH!!!"], zebras ["MMMMM!!! MMMM!!! MMMMM!!!"], giraffes [neither of us were sure about that one, so we decided they would just move their necks around a lot], and worms [again, not sure. We discussed whether they had a tail, or whether their whole body was a tail].

Me: Kathleen, what would you do if you saw a cow with a dog for a head and a worm for a tail?
Kathleen: [laughs] I don't know!
Me: I think I would scream... like this! [yells; laughs]
Kathleen: [laughs] I think I would too!
Me: What would you call it? You can't call it a cow because it has a dog head. You can't cal it a dog because it's attached to a cow. And you can't call it a worm because it's connected to the cow body and dog head!

[Come up with various names: cog, worg, dow, etc.]

Kathleen: I know! I'd call it a CWORG!!! [both laugh and marvel at the brilliance of the name]

For the record, this is a cworg:

Listening To Narnia Beckon.

SO many things to blog about, so little time: 5 tests this week, "Dead Week"...whatever. 2 down, 3 to go.

Last night was my last Co-Chair Monday night meeting for Mission Center. Praise God. It was such a good time of worship. So in-tents, especially with the thunder and lightning going off outside through it all. What an awesome display of God's glory. It lit up the sky, just like that little baby in the manger lit up the world so many years ago.

Kristina called me right after the meeting started, so I left and talked to her for 10 minutes or so. It was so good. I miss her. We have sister plans, which include a sleepover and Sisterhood of Pants movies, and potentially making our own version of the movie.

I'm SO mad at Canada right now.

Christmas shopping is fun. I love buying presents that I know people will really like. Then they open it and are like, "Wow! I love it!" That makes me happy.

I wore my personality T-shirt today:




Yeah, I dominate. Ha. But not really. I'm such a dork.

Twist.

Secondhand Serenade, how your words speak truth. Not Truth, but truth.

There's a Twist in my Story and I can't wait to see how it ends.

PGWKN.

Well, in T-minus two weeks, I will no longer be the co-chair for Mission Center. And while that is sad, I am ready to pass the torch to the wonderful Sarah. She'll do an awesome job.

My CML Buddy, Emily, and I were talking after the CML party tonight. We had just gotten books by A.W. Tozer called "The Pursuit of God" and were talking about how excited we are to read them. And we were planning our lunch date for tomorrow. And I mentioned that it should be a weekly tradition, and how it would be cool to read the book together and discuss it. Then it turned into learning how to knit and crochet. And then it turned into inviting more people. And it turned into a legitimate start of a new ministry/Bible Study for girls that we're going to begin next semester. It's called "PGWKN", short for Pursuing God With Knitting Needles.

How cool is it going to be to just hang out with a group of close girls, talking about God and books and what we're learning, all while knitting and crocheting? Over the summer, when I read "The Friday Night Knitting Club", I kept thinking how much fun it would be to start one here at OBU, and apparently now we're going to.

We talked to Dale, and he was really excited about it, too. We're going to talk to his wife about speaking for and with us sometime.

Tomorrow is going to be a hang out/planning time for me and Emily. :) Yay for friends who become friends because of the CML cliques.

Fearless. Taylor Swift.

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress
Fearless

God's teaching me so so much. How to get out of the valley. How to pray. How to dance and be happy and laugh with Him, unafraid of how I look, aware only of how it feels to be with Him. He's teaching me to love, to make it less about me and more about serving Him, then serving others.

I'm learning the effects that my words have on those I love. I'm learning how to have healthy relationships. I'm learning how to make friends again. And I'm learning that even when things are busy, it's okay to hide out at the mall and try on dresses for fun. You gotta live once in a while, don't you?

Shaun, Ashley and I took pictures with Santa at the mall. We dressed up in coordinating outfits - all black, white, and red. And we told Santa what we wanted for Christmas. (I said Edward Cullen) All in all, fun. I got a copy of the picture to send to Mom and Dad. :) I hope they like it.

Science Unit.

"The unit shows evidence of at least 7-10 hours of work."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? When I am a teacher, there is NO way I'm going to be able to spend 7-10 HOURS on a science teaching unit.

Preparing us to teach?
Whatever.

Mom.

Thanksgiving Break is here. No classes for five days. Then only two weeks before finals. Then Christmas at Shaun's house (first time away from my parents for Christmas) then a whole month at home.

Surreal. Like, for real surreal.

Haha

I love Christmas present shopping. I've gotten 5 people done, for the most part, and have plans for others that need to be fulfilled. I love finding the perfect present, and knowing - JUST KNOWING - that he or she will love it.

I miss my Mom a lot. Taylor Swift's new song "The Best Day" reminds me of my Mom.

I want to get it on CD, maybe mix a CD and just put it in her car and let her listen to it. I'm learning - or maybe just realizing - more and more how much my Mom sacrificed and did for me growing up. She stayed up late making Halloween costumes, Easter dresses, and wrap skirts. She would leave work to pick me up from school when I was sick. She would sacrifice her own sleep when I got scared and crawled into bed with her when Dad was working the grave yard shift.

When I'm a mom - years from now - will I have that same amount of love and sacrifice?

<>

Change.

Last night, I was in my hall's lobby working on my personality project and listening to the TV, and a man was preaching a sermon. I was only half listening, but one of the things he said was that everything changes.

And yes, okay, duh.

But everything changes. When things are crappy, it's okay, because eventually they will change. And God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. And if I just trust Him, He will keep working it out.

Well, flash ahead to tonight. I'm sitting on my bed, working on the 4th of 6 lesson plans I have due tomorrow, and I decide to download Taylor Swift's new album, "Fearless" on Ruckus. The second song I listened to was called "Change" and it exactly mirrors the message I heard on TV last night.

Which now, has me thinking, "Crap - what's going to change?"

But still. It's nice to know that even when I don't know, God knows. And even when life is piling up around me, He knows what's going on and how to fix it.

Younger Me.

I spent an hour and a half talking to my parents on Sunday, all about what I was like as a baby. And may I just say that some things never change.

I was very secure as a baby, very sure of who I was, and I would try anything, go anywhere, visit with anyone. I was not shy. Sometimes it took me a while to get to know my surroundings, but then I was fine. Mom said that Brad and Jeff are still very much homebodies, that is, they like being home, in their place. And Mom said that I've never been like hat: I've always wanted to go explore and try new things.

I learned to tie my shoe when I was three, and went the 5 year old neighbor boy and tied his shoe one day. He didn't like that I knew how to tie my shoe and he didn't, so he promply learned also.

I spent my first night away from home at age 3 also, at Aaron's house right next door. Brad and Jeff, so much older than me, hadn't even gone a whole night away from home. But I did. My Mom said she waited up all night, just in case I called to come home, but I never did. I was such a big girl, she said. I remember sleeping on the floor of Aaron's room, in my little sleeping bag. They had bunk beds, Aaron and Allen, and a dresser with a lamp on it, and a toy chest. I remember exactly how their room was set up.

They said that I liked to be in the middle of things, doing what Brad and Jeff did, but that I also valued my alone time. I would just go to my room and play with my dolls for a little while, then come back out and be ready to go. And I still need that alone time. Desperately.

The one thing that completely made my night, however, was when my parents both called me (on separate occasions) a border-line hypochondriac. Growing up, whenever I heard about someone having some disease, I was sure I had it, too. My Dad said that when I got a splinter in the end of my finger, I would complain about it hurting ALL the way to my elbow. Any little scrape became a huge gash. A bruise became a horrendous tragedy. A bump was automatically cancer. And again... hi, that's still me.

Having them tell me about the me when I was younger was like being introduced to a stranger... but then, that stranger was ME! Apparently my personality hasn't changed that much... at all...

Yes, That Is Me With Troy.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem Dry Bones.

Mission Center last night was really, truly, fantastic. One of the best Mission Center nights in forever... Tink was missing - not sure where she was... which is weird. But the rest of it was awesome.

I colored with Kyle, a picture of a little boy dinosaur wearing boots, who was going to be eaten by a big dinosaur wearing roller skates, so we had to smother the little dinosaur in colorful ketchup. Then we drew a city, with doors and windows, and helicopters on the roof of every building, shooting bullets at the big dinosaur. And we drew a road. It's pretty much an awesome picture. I'm going to put it on my wall.

I planned all of the evening's activities, from the lesson about Ezekiel and the bones in chapter 37 to the bone game, to the verse activity, to the self-portrait puppet craft.

They were all eyes and ears during the story, gasping and laughing, and flexing their fingers along with me. And the game - thanks to Amanda's idea - was a HIT! They are all learning the song and verse, and loved coloring their bag puppets.

It was just FUN. I felt like a real teacher, planning every activity for my students.

It was complete confirmation that teaching is what I am meant to do.
Yay.

OKC Memorial Half Marathon.

The Oklahoma City Memorial Half Marathon is in 167 days and 7 hours.

167 days and 7 hours from now, I will be running.

I decided to enter. It's 13.1 miles. I may or may not ask Shaun to run with me. That might be fun, to train together and run together.

I'm already pretty nervous, but I want to do this. I don't want to let myself down, you know?

I Love My Lips.

I got a lip ring today. hehehe

Romans 12.

Well, shoot.
Go figure.
The moment I open a Bible study, God is all, "WAKE UP!! Where have you BEEN???"

Where have I been?
More like, what have I been.
I have been ANGRY. At... everything. The world. Friends. Loved ones. School. Myself. Life.

So I opened our Sunday School Lesson, Lifeway's Life Matters, and part of it said, "Our role is - and always will be - to choose good. We should choose good and love over vengeance. Do good to those who don't deserve it. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt you. Always seek to help and lift up those who are down. After all, isn't that what He did for you? We certainly do not deserve God's love or His salvation, so how can we not 'choose good' whenever there is a choice to make?"

And the scripture reference was Romans 12:14-21. I won't type it all, because it is long, but it's good. ROmans 12:1-2 says, "Therefore, my brethren, in view of God's mercy, offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. THIS is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..."

I need to begin worshiping God in my spirit... in my mind... rather than letting Him fall to the wayside. I need to let Him control my mind and emotions, rather than the circumstances and environment around me... rather than myself.

So much easier said than done.

It's a freaking good thing Jesus Christ already conquered the world.

School Work.

Let the craziness begin.

So many projects to do before the end of the school year.
2-Week long Middle School Inter-Disciplinary Project.
Lesson Plans for Science.
Presentation for Human Development.
Presentation for Music for Elementary Students.
Masks and clay projects for Art for Elementary Students.
Personality Final for Art for Elementary Students.
Project 3 for Elementary Math III.
Final Project for Elementary Math III.

Bah.
It's been an easy semester... why all this? Why now?

CAB.

I interviewed for CAB today. I find out tomorrow or Friday if I am accepted or not.

A Little More. Skillet.

Once again, the band Skillet makes my heart sing.

Love Can Take It.

Ha. I like my neighbor. We laughed for a long time about something completely wrong that should not have been funny... but it made us both feel a lot better about life and where the world is heading.

I know who I'm holding onto, and His name is not Obama.

His name is Yahweh, Jehovah, God-of-the-Angel-Armies, my Provider and my Support. He is my Friend, my Lord, my Savior, my Oxygen. He is my Strength, my Joy, my Hope. He is my All in All, my River of Life, my Love. He is all that is Beautiful in my Life. I turn to Him for wisdom and assurance, for romance and a sense of belonging. I close my eyes and feel Him lovingly stroking my face, rubbing my feet, waiting to pour out peace, hope, and love on me. He is dependable. He is trustworthy.

Oh, let the world crash
Love can take it
Oh, let the world come crashing down
Oh, let the world crash
Love can take it
Love can take a little
Love can give a little more

Whitlock For President!

(No J-Term for me. They are only offering one 2-credit class that I need, and that is dumb. So I am going to Shaun's for Christmas, then HOME for January. Woo!)

Dr. Whitlock began his first term as OBU President today. A lot of students got T-shirts (myself included) that say "Dave is my Fave!" and have his face on them. So we wore them to meet him at Thurmond Hall when he showed up for his first day in the office.

When we saw him coming down the sidewalk, we all started screaming and clapping for him. It was cool. Then he said something about how touched and excited he was. And he started shaking people's hands. He came to me, and I asked him to sign my shirt with the Sharpie I brought.

AND HE DID! He wrote "Dave" really big on the bottom of it, then we started talking. He asked where I was from, then said, "I never thought I'd meet someone from Wasilla, Alaska!" He asked if I knew Sarah Palin, and I told him my connections. Bill Pope even took a picture... maybe I'll be in the Bison or on the website or something cool.

But it was awesome.

Other people saw him sign my shirt and they asked him to sign theirs, too. I started a trend. :) I love it. And him. He's cool.

True Story.

Yesterday while working at the desk in the morning, I decided to toast some English Muffins and smother them with peanut butter and honey. So I popped them into the toaster, and turned it up to 5 because I like my toast-y things very well done.

I went and put the key to the kitchen away, and when I got back, there was a little bit of smoke coming out of the toaster. I thought, "Well, that isn't good. I guess my toast is done! Good thing the fire alarms didn't go off..." and right then, the fire alarms go off.

No joke.

It's 9:15am on a Saturday, the weekend after one of the busiest weeks in Kerr History, and I set off the fire alarms. I ran over to the board and turned it off, but then like 10 seconds later, it went off again. So I called Campus Safety and they came over to turn it off.

But meanwhile, all the girls start heading down to the lobby, looking really groggy and confused. I had to tell them that it was my fault - I burned my English Muffin - and they were like, "Are you kidding me?"

It was so embarrassing. Oh my word. Really really funny, but embarrassing. I know that if I had still been in bed, I would have been SO mad... but most of the girls just laughed it off, thank goodness.

So... yeah. I set off the fire alarm. I'm just that hott.

Ladybugs Perch On My Cheek.

November.
NO!!! Vember.

ha. wow, I am internally laughing really hard about that. Kind of sad, really, that that makes me laugh so hard. I went and saw High School Musical 3 today (for, yes, the second time in theaters) and still laughed out loud. There were times when I was the only one laughing.

Seeing that movie makes me really appreciate my boyfriend. He is teaching Sunday School again tomorrow, and is sitting next to me preparing for it.

I was a hippie yesterday for Halloween and for the Mission Center party. I got a peace sign painted onto my cheek at our party... and it won't come off. It's still there, even though I hardcore washed my face and took a shower, trying to scrub it off. I feel bad for all the little kids who had their faces painted, because I know their facepaint probably didn't come off, either.

We currently have a ladybug problem in Kerr. They are everywhere. People keep complaining about it, but I would rather have ladybugs than snakes or rats. Ew, rats. Two of my girls had a mouse in their room the other day... I would have freaked out, probably. I do when I see them in the barn and chicken coop at home.

We grilled tonight, me and Shaun and some of our friends. At one point, they started asking us about when we met and our first dates and our favorite and least favorite dates. It was funny, talking about the good and the bad. They laughed a lot, and we did, too.

Seems that my posts lately have been so random and conglomerated. I guess that's what my life is like right now.

Trick Or Treat.

It's been one week.

Really? Is that all? Only one week since I last found time to breathe and update this thing? One week? It feels like a million. Every day seems longer than the last. Every hour drags on until I don't know where the time went.

Kerr Trick or Treat is tonight. Every waking moment of the last 5 or 6 days has been spent decorating my hall, occasionally by myself, sometimes with other girls, and once with Shaun. It's so tiring trying to get it to look right. And it's frustrating that some girls don't help at all. I just want to sleep. For a long time. And that is NOT a cry for help.

Sure, it will be worth it when all the kids come and their faces are super excited. Of course it will be worth it. But right now? I'm not feeling it.

They say I'm futuristic, and that my thoughts and dreams of the future are what propel me onwards to do good work. And yet... right now... I'm not futuristic. I'm just sleepy. Two more classes, then Trick or Treat, then work for 3 hours.

Praise Jesus that I don't have science tomorrow morning. What a blessing. I can't wait until tonight, when I can happily crawl into my bed and escape into dreamland.

Speaking of dreamland, I had a weird dream last night. Part of it consisted of my parents and I and a random kid (who was my younger brother??) driving down a road here in Shawnee and stopping at a random hotel. We moved all of our stuff (like 2 bags) into the hotel room, which was at the end of a hall, across from stairs leading to the next level up, and next to a bar/dance room. The room had a bed, a mattress on the floor, and a pile of blankets. We had been evicted from our house and had to move into this hotel. It was so weird. I remember being really sad, but determined.

Oh Oh My Love.

I ate lunch with a good friend yesterday. And it was such a blessing to be able to spend time with her again after not seeing her for a while. God is preparing her for an awesome 11 months, beginning in June, and I am so excited to see what He does in and through her as she travels the world.

Funny that two of my really close friends are traveling the world now or soon, and I have no strong desire to go anywhere right now. I think I want to work at a camp this summer, in Alaska, so that I can go home and be with my friends and family. I've always wanted to. But upon some internet research, I found that like NO camps in Alaska pay their summer staff positions. Working at a camp for half the summer in Washington would be fun, too. I could see Brad and Paige and Jeff and Dayna and Ryan a lot, probably. And fly home after that. It isn't expensive to fly from Washington to Alaska.

I got another American Girl catalog in the mail today and had it in my Principles of Middle School class. All the girls in there were like, "AMERICAN GIRL!" so we passed it around and all looked at it before class started. It was really fun.

My window has a draft in it, so my room is absolutely FREEZING right now.

I talked to a friend last night, and he was really encouraging, which was nice. I like friends like him, who are just like, "Hey, it's okay. I'll come shank them if I need to." He introduced me to a band called Tunng from London. I like them. They're kind of emo/folk.

I'm so grateful for friends like that, and for friends who like music, and for friends who are just themselves. It's freeing.

Friend.

I ate lunch with a good friend today. And it was such a blessing to be able to spend time with her again after not seeing her for a while. God is preparing her for an awesome 11 months, beginning in June, and I am so excited to see what He does in and through her as she travels the world.

Funny that two of my really close friends are traveling the world now or soon, and I have no strong desire to go anywhere right now. I think I want to work at a camp this summer, in Alaska, so that I can go home and be with my friends and family.

Thoughts.

It's a journey from Christianity to Christ.
Interesting thought.

Maybe people get so caught up in Christianity that they forget about Christ. They forget about how we can't be here without Him.

I Just Want To Be Free

Back at school now. Only about a month until Thanksgiving Break, then another month until Christmas Break. Still don't know what I'm going to do for those breaks.

I'm listening to "Folk-y" music, which is fun. I'm in a kind of folk mood. I like it. But now I just changed to Vanessa Hudgens. Ha.

I got a fun piece of mail today from the nurses at the emergency room. They wrote me a card hoping that I am feeling better. That made me really happy. I mean, wow. They wrote me a get well card. Awesome. I'm going to hang it on my wall just because it makes me laugh. I checked my mail and thought it was a bill, and was like, "Great." But then it wasn't!!

I read a book over the weekend called "How Full Is Your Bucket?" and it got me thinking a lot about my attitudes and how I view life and myself…Particularly myself, which is interesting, because the book is all about relating to other people. Due to various conversations that occurred this weekend, I spent a lot of time just thinking and trying to believe God's promises in His word, but struggling with it.

I'm going to work out tonight after dinner, for the first time in… a long time… besides the Wii Fit this weekend. I'm looking forward to a nice run… on the treadmill or on the track, I'm not sure yet. It doesn't really matter.

I'm also thinking about my major, and considering double majoring in Early Childhood Education. I am a little behind in my classes right now, credit wise, meaning I have to take like 17 credits a semester to graduate on time. And adding another major will make that even more difficult. However, I can take one or two J-Term classes and maybe an on-line summer class.

Really, I can't believe I have one more year after this one. Junior? What? How? Where did the time go? I am almost done. Then what?

• Marriage? We've talked about it.
  
• Grad School? Yes please – sometime. I at least want to earn my Masters, then maybe a Doctorate so I can teach others how to teach. (I vow not to teach from a textbook.)
  
• Work? That's a must, no matter what. Student loans need to be paid back. And bills need to be paid, also. And medical bills, since I am a recently discovered klutz and all.
  

Where am I going to live? Alaska? Oklahoma? London? Baltimore? Oh, heck! So many choices! The world is open to me… so freeing, but so SCARY!

Alas. I have class. Then dinner. Then the RAWC and I have a date. Then flag football (I'm watching, not playing). Then Mission Center. Phew. I love it.

Fall Break Beckons Me Forth.

Fall Break, Fall Break, Fall Break...

It has totally been a time of learning... about who I am and how I am viewed, etc. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown, but I am okay. :) Better than okay.

I retook my Strengths Finder test, and had different themes than before. I still have Strategic, Futuristic, and Positivity. But now I am also an Activator and a Maximizer, which seems more like me than the other two I had.

My wrist is bruising and is a pleasant shade of yellow, brown, and greenish-blue. I am having an allergic reaction (pleasant, I know) to the brace, so that's awesome... ha.

Realizations about who I am:
1. I like to move and get things done.
2. I get hurt a lot...physically. My Dad and I talked about this the other day. Funny. I never thought I was that accident prone, but I totally am.
3. I would rather watch TV than play video games.

It hasn't been that rough of a semester for me so far. I have projects to do towards the end of the semester but I love my classes and think I will love the projects, too. MMMmm.... I want some dinner, then to go DO something.

Fall Festival, perhaps?

Testing 123

Falling Leaves Call To Me.

Fall...
Changing leaves that crunch under your feet as they tumble gracefully to the ground.

Crisp air that bites at your arms and ears, threatening to freeze them, but not quite successful yet... in a few weeks maybe.

Warm socks and turtlenecks.
Boat shoes and skater jeans.
Leopard-print headband.
Madeline-esque coat.

Warm caramel machiattos after eating lunch with a seemingly long-lost friend.

Talking to a professor about various things... particularly
GO ARMY BEAT NAVY.
Ha.

Fall Free Days...
-sleeping in
-Fall Festival
-carving pumpkins for the 2nd time ever
-meeting the infamous HER
-staying up late to sleep all day
-homework... bah...
-lots of down time
-plaid pants? Eh? Eh?

Mm. Love this time of year the most. Until the next season anyway.

Hard Week.

Quite the week, I'd say, since last Saturday. Typing is hard, but I'll get to that.

Friday the 10th was mine and Shaun's two year anniversary (minus the week or so that we were apart). Our date was on Saturday. I had to plan it, since it's an "even" year, which is a new rule that Shaun made up this year. Lame. Anyway, I reserved this "private campfire" which turned out to be not private at all. So instead, we went to Shawnee Lake and hung out there. And we ate dinner at IHOP. Ha. IHOP. Like iHOP. Like a frog that plays music from your iPod.

Shaun preached in church on Sunday about forgiveness, and I've been thinking about it a lot since then. That night, there was a chili cook-off at church. Shaun and I made dessert together, making it up as we went and it turned out really good. We melted peanut butter and chocolate together, rolled marshmallows in it, then rolled the marshmellows in graham cracker crumbs. So good.

Sunday night, I spent almost 4 hours hanging out on my hall, just talking to my girls about the most random stuff. They are so funny and such a blessing to me. Ridiculous how much I love them.

Monday... oh, Monday. I got a B on my science test that I took last Friday. I had a date with my boss after I got off work at 2. We talked about lots of random stuff (seems to be a theme with me) and drank coffee at Starbucks (BTW - pumpkin lattes are SO good. My favorite). I shared some of my concerns and she listened, so that was good.

Also - random - I found out that my Grandma (and whole family, actually) knows the grandmother of a girl on my hall. They've been friends for a long time.

I had a flag football game, and while hiking the ball and guarding the line, a girl plowed me over. I landed with my hands flexed all the way back, with more weight on my right wrist than my left one. It knocked the breath out of me and I couldn't move my hands. I walked off the field, unable to breathe and with my wrists in excrutiating pain, like worse than I've ever experienced physically in my life. I was shaking, couldn't hold my hands still, and my right wrist was already swelling by the time I reached the sidelines. After the game, Shaun and I went to the Emergency Room, conveniently located right across the street.

We waited for about 3 hours, then they took X-Rays. And my right wrist isn't broken, but was dislocated. It popped back in on it's own, which was good. They gave me a splint to wear, and some pain medicine. And they gave me some codeine while I was still at the hospital, and THAT was fun...

All of my muscles turned to mush when it kicked in. Shaun was rubbing my back, just laughing because there was no tension whatsoever. My words got really sloppy and I was word vomiting. And then I got really sleepy.

Today, I couldn't take very good notes in class, but I got an A on last week's Human Development exam and an A on my math exam (good thing we could use that index card on it). The RAs had dinner together at Robb's then made signs and went to the volleyball game against St. Greg's. Fun stuff.

It rained this evening. Still 80 during the day.
I want FALL.

Mission Center Blessings.

Mission Center has been such a blessing this semester. Maybe it's because I haven't been able to go as much (due to things like Biggie and my parents being here). But when I am there, it's so amazing.

I taught the kid's lesson this week about Davey and Goliath. We only had 8 kids, but we split them into two groups: The Philistines and the Israelites. Each kid had a carper square on which to sit, and when I mentioned "Philistine" or "Israelite" they cheered, depending on their team.

And I told the story really animatedly. I had the kids make facial expressions with me of anger and fear, and I showed them how tall Davey was compared to Goliath, and we talked about how we would all be scared to fight Goliath.

But then we talked about how God gave David courage, and how David knew that God would give him success, so he wasn't scared. And we talked about how God can help us beat the "giants" in our lives, like bullies on the playground and obeying our parents even when we don't want to.

It went SO well. The kids didn't pick on each other or even TALK during the lesson except in response to a question. Our craft was making shields (and we wrote Proverbs 3:5-6 on them) and they loved it, especially when I said we could put glitter on them.

And Kathleen and I hung out. I love her so much, and her sweet spirit.

I even got to see Tink for a few minutes.

Reclaiming Life.

I am in the process of restoring my iPod so that I can reload songs onto it. It is a little frustrating at times that it can't hold all my music, so I think that one day I will buy a new one. I don't think I want a touch, just because it seems like I would mess up a lot and pick one song when I wanted another. But it's not like I have an excess of money to buy a new iPod right now anyway.

One of my girls just asked me to read her spiritual journey testimony that she has to send in for a camp application. And now it has me thinking about MY spiritual journey, and particularly, the things that God is teaching me now.

I looked at my Africa scrapbook the other day, and my heart broke. Being here, so far away from my precious friends, makes it so hard for me to believe that their lives are real... but they are. Tahmee actually has AIDS. Brianna actually has a story identical to mine in so many ways. Vuyi actually cried with me in her living room. Candace actually wants to live in New York because she believes everyone is happy in America. Sofanee actually accepted Christ into his heart... he actually did... I will actually SEE him in Heaven one day.

I miss them.
Especially since reading K's updates about SAS. She just finished her two weeks in Africa. And man... I miss it. It just felt like home to me, being there, walking along the streets and being with the children. I was never scared (not even with the crazy lady). I never felt out of place. I just was. And Africa just was. And together, we were.
Ironic.

I love girls who just come into my room and talk. I love those friendships: the "Hey, can I tell you a story?" kind of ones, where they come in and sit down and are here just talking for two hours, without a single awkward silence because the conversation just flows. Those are my favorite.

God's teaching me about relationships. It's interesting. And good. I like it.

I'm learning about freedom...in life, in myself, in Christ. And I like it, too. I'm learning to Dress for Success. And that $45.00 is wasted when I skip class. So I don't skip class. Not that I ever had a problem with that. I'm learning more what it means to be a teacher and to impact people's lives. Awanas is awesome.

Especially tonight. Kelsey and Lillian and Jewels are fantastic girls. They make me feel so blessed to be where I am, doing what I do. And the other girls, too, and the guys. I have a rule where if the boys can't keep their hands to themselves, they have to hold my hand. It works well, and they get embarrassed when I make them hold my hand. Then Shaun was sad because he couldn't hold my hand. Ha. Then we held hands in the car - in MY car!!

My very own, 4-door 1992 Ford Escort with Oregon (soon to be ALASKAN) license plates. And I have my very own OBU parking sticker, and a support our troops ribbon. And my mom gave me two Breast Cancer Awareness rubber duckies, and my Dad gave me a cassette to put in my radio that plays my iPod through it. I'm rolling G. :) I drove to WalMart today. In MY car. And I might go back on Saturday.

The thing is, that now that I have a car, I have this burning desire to drive to like Louisiana or Florida or New Mexico just because I can. And I know that I can't... but I can at the same time! It takes a lot of self-control to not just get in my car and drive. The whole having responsibilities thing helps a lot.

I also really want to buy an American Girl Doll. The doll of the year, in fact, Mya, because I think she looks a lot like me. And I want to get Molly a new head. Her hair is missing because I brushed it too much growing up.

Shaun and I celebrate our two year anniversary this week, on Friday. Our date is scheduled for Saturday. And we decided that I would plan every even anniversary date and he would plan all the odd year anniversary dates. Thus, I am in charge of this one. And I have one idea so far... that will cost a LOT of money, so that's no good. And no, it does not involve driving to a random state. But it does involve a Ferris Wheel... kind of. Potentially.

I'm in a mellow music mood, so I am listening to Joe Purdy right now. I'm not sure if I have a mellow soul... I don't think I do. I like hardcore pop music (if pop music can BE hardcore) too much. Maybe I have a pop soul.
What are the requirements for a mellow soul? I'll ask Sarah. She has a mellow soul, and she could give me some guidance, I think.

Tomorrow will be busy. But alas. That's my life on Thursdays. I really want to sleep, since it's past midnight and I have two exams tomorrow. But I told a girl I would be up late, and she isn't back yet, so I should stay up. Ha, but ironic, since RA training yesterday was about setting boundaries. Ha.

And I'm reclaiming my New Year's Resolution. I like it.

Family Love.

It was nice having Mom and Dad in town. I got to show them part of my life here. They came to a flag football game, and we won, and they cheered me on and yelled at the dumb refs. It was great.

I've been re-reading the Twilight books, and they still suck me in, even though I've read them before. It's nice, however, to remember that the love that God has for me is even greater than the love that Edward and Bella have for each other. Another difference: God's love for me is actually REAL. And I can see it in my life.

And I'm really quite okay with leaving this post like that.

New Month.

Well, it is October. The first day of a new month.

Hm. Interesting how quickly this year is flying by. Time doesn't slow down, especially when you really want it to.

Lots to do still today. Maybe I should do them instead of blogging.

Sarah Palin.

The powers to be in the PR department at OBU found out that I am from the same town as Vice President running mate Sarah Palin. So they interviewed me today.

I think it was a bit of a let down for them when I told them that I don't actually know her or her kids. But I told them about kayak sledding... So I am sending them these pictures:




Oh, Alaska...how I love you! And oh, Alaska... how you captivate other people! They just don't understand you.

Mission Center on Friday was... awesome.

I was tired and slept on the way to the city, then when we got there I was grumpy, and no one was cooperating, so I was snappy with the group. Not good. But we split into our groups and started walking around, picking kids up.



When we got to Kathleen's house, she came RUNNING out, and ran to me. I gave her a huge hug (I missed her!!) and she just stood by me the whole time we were at her house. Then she asked me to carry her, so I did.



I carried her on my back the whole way, and sometimes we talked, but sometimes she just hung out back there. She is such a precious girl... top student in her second grade class. She loves Hannah Montana and has the sweetest heart of anyone I have ever met.

All the kids play on the playground when we get there. I played tag for a LONG time with Yessica and Roberto. The girls love showing off their monkey bars skills, especially Hannah:



We went inside for the lesson, and while Hannah was running around instead of sitting down, the rest of the kids listened pretty well. Kathleen sat with me the whole time, and she was quiet, like she was really letting the words sink in about Jesus healing a man with leprosy.



Then it was craft time! The kids colored pictures of the story. Kathleen and I colored together with her little cousin Kyle. At one point, Kyle grabbed a marker and started scribbling all over my picture, which was sad, but fine. Then he started to scribble on Kathleen's picture. I told him to color on his own page. And he did.

But Kathleen was quiet for about 10 minutes, just coloring and thinking. And all of a sudden she looked at me and said, "I forgive Kyle for coloring on my page. I know I need to, so I do. He didn't do it to be mean. I forgive him." Then she went back to coloring.

I was speechless. Literally. I just looked at her. This little, beautiful girl, age seven, who lives in a neighborhood where the last thing most kids learn about is forgiveness... and she forgave her cousin for ruining her picture, just like that.

How many times in my own life have I known that I needed to forgive someone and not done it? How many times have I withheld that forgiveness? And why? WHY? What a lesson learned... forgiveness. And Jesus did it on the cross.

Kathleen gave her picture to me, and I gave mine to her. She colored the one on the left. I wrote her a note on the back about what an awesome girl she is. And I'm going to hang mine up in my room.



God teaches me so much about life through the kids at Mission Center. We go to teach them, but I feel like they are the teachers rather than me. I guess it's life and to some extent, I'll always be a student. Kathleen's words... they keep ringing in my ears... "I forgive Kyle... I know I need to, so I do." So matter of fact. So pure. So undeniably Christ at work in her.

How I Think.

I never really thought much about how I think... until last night, when a special someone asked me to explain how I think.

So I did.

I told him that my thoughts flit around easily, that my brain gets distracted and thoughts that shouldn't flow together, do. For example, I'll start thinking about the pretty flowers sitting by my bed, then I'll think about the person who gave them to me, then about what that person is doing, how our paths will cross again in the future, about my future and my hopes and dreams... and all of those thoughts occur in like a 5 second time span.

I think things quickly and randomly. I think about the future a lot and I dwell on the past too much. I compare myself. Sometimes I like to just BE and not think.

I loved New York City because it made me see humanity in a new way. All the thousands of people walking down the street have lives - a family, friends, a history. They attended an elementary school and experienced the emotions one feels on the first day of high school. They had to decide what to wear, to brush their teeth or not, and how they would get to work. It's fascinating to me that they all have their own thoughts, that our thoughts consume us so much that sometimes we tune the real world out.

I like to come up with solutions to practical problems, like "How do I hang my mirror up?" I'd much rather think about those things than deep philosophical or theological ideas. I think that thinking needs to be practical, not just some fluffy thing out there. What's the point of thinking if it won't lead to action?

When I Talk To You.

I am going on a date tonight, and I am excited.

I am paying because it is Twirp week. But, in fact, this week about 2 years ago was when he and I first started really talking and deliberately seeing each other. I like it. Trying to plan this date is fun. I don't know where we are going to eat... because I don't know much that's around. We are going to Target (because I want to, and I like Target) and then we are going to Life Stream. Apparently Shane and Shane are leading worship there tonight, which will be fun. It'll be crowded there, for sure. I don't know what I'm going to wear yet.

I am also sick. I have medicines that I am taking, but so far they aren't doing much for me. My sinuses are draining. :(

Mm... I'm excited for Target tonight. I'm looking at the website so I know how I want to divide my time there. They stay open until 10:00pm, which is plenty of time, since the doors open for Life Stream at 8:00pm.

Biggie was... fantastic. One of the best nights of my life. It was so much fun, just acting silly and speaking in different accents. I am proud of myself. I know I did well... bahaha - I just thought of something completely awkward and funny.

And I just got a facebook message about how someone wants to write an article about me being from the same town as Sarah Palin. Funny.

Life.

Biggie tonight.

I'm wearing the good-luck tie dye underwear in honor of it.

Rehearsal last night was so much fun, actually running through the skits, having people laugh at them. I'm so excited, nervous, and anxious. I don't want it to be over. You know? I've loved getting to know the other emcees, just laughing and acting ridiculous.

Life is good right now - blessing filled and wonderful. God is outdoing Himself again. :)

Wonderful Angel.

I have a new band. New to me, anyway.

Monk & Neagle.

They have been very focusing and calming while I try to figure out all that God is teaching me. It's hard to remember sometimes. Can't believe it's only been two days. Feels like so much longer.

It really frustrates me when people make the wrong assumptions about something, then act angry and Hitler-y about it. I don't know how to correct them in love sometimes. I want to, so desperately, but I am afraid of ruining a relationship or putting up a wall.

I went for a run tonight, just a couple of songs as I jogged around campus. At one point, I stopped, and saw a huge rat looking thing. Creeped me out. I left that spot soon after that.

Script writing is fun. :) It's hard being creative and funny on command. But apparently I have a sweet way with the voices, so I'm excited. Less than one week from now I will be on-stage performing in Biggie.

I miss the days of summer.

Africa
Helena being there
House-sitting
Roadtrip with Hannah and Jade
Adventures
Hiking
Just being

All I Want.

"All I Need" Monk And Neagle

All I want, all I need
You hold all these things
In Your hands, oh Lord
I can wish I may, or wish I might
But I won't find it in the stars tonight
It's in Your hands, oh Lord

All I want is You
All I need is You

Chorus
I'm holding on to the center of Your love
Cause everything reminds me of You
I open up, cause Your always enough
All I want is You
All I need is You

Take my heart, take my mind
I want to leave this world behind
I give You everything
You're the reason I'm alive today
I throw my cares away
As I stand to shout and sing

Bridge
You're everything to me
I'm nothing without You
You're everything I love
There's no love without You
And every part of me cries for You



This is my prayer, this is my plea.

Support From All Around.

What a tumultuous week. Highs and Lows out the wazoo.

I am slowly learning to trust God, and though it is hard and I don't like it, I know it is good for me. This morning He showed me that He is a Romancer. And I love that about Him.

I auditioned for Biggie (the September OBU talent show) as an emcee (the person who does skits between the acts). I wrote my own script and performed a monologue in which I pretended to talk to Sarah Palin the whole time about America. I even painted an American flag tank top to wear. It's awesome. Anyway, I went to look at the list today, and my name was the first one on the top. THE FIRST ONE!! I was so excited. Nervous, oh my heck, but excited. 15 or 16 people auditioned, and only 6 of us were chosen. And the WHOLE school comes and PACKS the chapel, so this is a big deal. I'm stoked. I feel like God is really showing me something through this. Like the fact that I have GOT to rely on Him.

He has to be the only God in my life. And for so long... for close to 2 years... He hasn't been. That hurts to realize, but I realized it back in May and didn't want to do anything about it. Now I have...and I have never felt a more intense pain. I need to get over something before I can (maybe) get it back.

If that makes sense.

It's not what people expect. But God doesn't do the ordinary. I don't really know what to expect either though, I guess. I'm just holding on... waiting for this wild ride to even out... and I'm not sure it will.

I'm going to the state fair on Sunday with some of my girls, and I am so exceedingly excited about it. I'm learning what it means to build relationships again.

i am: going to audition as an Emcee for Biggie
i think: about painting a lot
i know: that grapes make everything better
i want: for fall to come
i have: the sweetest shoes ever
i wish: that I didn't have to go to class at 4:00pm
i hate: hot weather
i miss: Alaska
i fear: making wrong decisions and getting hurt
i feel: hungry
i hear: some guy working on my lobby
i smell: air
i crave: food and love
i search: for the right words
i wonder: what my friends are doing
i regret: not forgiving as much as I should
i love: cold weather
i ache: the day after I workout intensely if I don't stretch
i care: like a Care Bear!
i always: breathe
i am not: going to take a nap
i believe: that God works everything together for good
i dance: to pop music
i sing: to myself
i don't always: put effort into how I look
i fight: with God... and lose
i write: in my journal everynight
i win: at life!
i lose: time
i never: thought I would fall in love at OBU
i confuse: Shaun
i listen: because sometimes it's more fun than talking
i can usually be found: in my dorm room
i am scared: that life won't be what I want
i need: affirmation
i am happy about: knowing a God who loves me a ridiculous amount

Mission Center.

We returned to Mission Center tonight... all 54 of us OBU students for the 28 kids that came. I loved it.

The freshmen were brilliant... they were involved, active, and I could tell they just loved it. During Circle Time, one freshman girl referred to the group as "us" and "we" and it made my heart SO happy to hear that she already includes herself in that.

And the kids...
Blake can walk! He doesn't need his wheelchair at all anymore, except for school and "just in case". He walked all the way home from Mission Center for the first time ever. And he spent the hour and a half there just sitting in Tina's lap, playing with her hair. He gave her a kiss on the cheek. She was so excited about it, and I am too! Jessica told us that last summer, his wheelchair was stolen, and they couldn't afford to get a new one, which he needed before he could return to school. One of the news stations heard about it, did a story, and in one night they raised enough money to buy him a nice new chair and a little tricycle to ride around. What a God thing!

Kathleen is so beautiful... she is top in her second grade class! She has such a huge heart and I can't wait to see even more how God is going to use her. She knows the Fruit of the Spirit verses by heart and can recite them back to us. She is growing into an girl/young lady. She loves reading, Hannah Montana, math, and her family. And I love that she loves us. She came up to me, and I carried her most of the night. Oh, I love her.

And Desiree and Katie... those girls... wow. So much energy. They very clearly like Mission Center.

And Andy, Yessica, and Roberto. How did I live for three months without seeing them!

Tink is locked up again. Her mom said she would be back home on Wednesday. That girl... she needs so much prayer and love, and I don't know if I have enough to give her. It's so hard sometimes. But in the hard times, that's when I know she needs it the most.

God is working in the neighborhood, in the lives of those that live there. And I have a role in it. I contribute.

I am amazed.

Skater Girl.

Well.
Finally Friday. I work in 40 minutes, then at 4:30 is Mission Center. I'm excited.

I feel like a skater today. My pants are tight-ish at the bottom, more so than on any other jeans, and I have on Vans. So I feel very... "Grab a long board and let's go!" It makes me laugh.

Middle School.

Middle School.

Oh, the glorious days of wearing gray sweatpants and tan over-sized shirts, passing notes in band, and hanging out with the ELP kids. I tried to block most of it out, not because it was bad, but just because it was... eh.

But today I had to write a middle school memory, and floods of occurrences just came rushing back to me. So I wrote them all down on my calendar, and decided to commemorate my high school years here forever. So, without further ado...

My List of Middle School Memories.

- Breaking my reed during the band concert and having to leave to get a new one, then Dylan telling on me and Brittany for talking during the concert. Gosh, I was mad at him.
- In 6th grade, going with Cody, Matt, and Caitlyn to get fish on base for the ELP fish tank. We didn't talk the whole way in, then on the way back, we played the alphabet game. Then Caitlyn and I had nothing to do with the fish the rest of the year.
- I made a lot of websites, and somehow ended up teaching a class to younger kids about how to make their own website.
- Going to Kachemak Bay.
- Winning 2nd place in the 8th grade speech competition.
- Reading days in the library, and spending all semester on ONE book. My teacher was not impressed, even though the book I was reading was called "How to Win Children to Christ". The only time I ever read it was when we went to the library. It was boring, but now I wish I had paid better attention to it.
- Playing Truth or Dare at Sabrina's house.
- Doing the project about stars with Jade and another girl at Glacier View.
- Writing a story about Martha Stewart in 8th grade English.
- Having to recite song lyrics as poetry in 8th grade English, and Cody getting the best grade in the class, even though he messed up a lot. Dang.
- In venting animals in 8th grade science. I hated that project.
- Getting a perfect score on the 8th grade English standardized test, and no one telling me until I got my results, even though my parents, teachers, and principal all knew.
- Going to Germany and New York.
- Honor Band trips to Palmer High School.
- Talking to the Principal in 7th grade about having a lock down plan in case a Columbine shooting happened at our school... and crying throughout the entire hour-long interview.
- Interviewing the principal in 8th grade (Mr. Miller) and reading his favorite book about golf. Again, I wish I had paid better attention to it.
- 9/11 and the 7th grade scrapbook about it.
- Hannah visiting me.
- Walking into the bathroom one time during lunch in 8th grade and seeing Allie and Kelsey in there hiding the fact that they were eating a brownie.
- Middle School Dances... ha. I wore a skirt to the last one. It was black. I remember being really scared to ask my mom, the one day we were driving home from dance class, and a song came on the radio that was about missing the dance, and I told her I didn't want to miss the dance, and could I please go? She said yes. And I remember Brad picking me up from a dance, and he sneaked inside the commons to look at the sound equipment the DJ used.
- Someone had a crush on Gabe, and we spent one social/dance trying to get near him so he would ask her to dance. Was it Liza? I don't remember.
- Spraining my finger during volleyball one day in 7th grade and getting out of PE for a semester. I ended up being an aid to my teachers.
- Carmen called me Mel-Issa.

Hm. Funny.

C'est Le Weekend.

This was a great weekend... one of my favorites in a long time. Shaun and I went to his aunt and uncle's farm in Paul's Valley, and met his dad and sister there, along with a few other relatives.

We spent our time fishing (I caught 5 - FIVE!!! - fish, and released them all), driving 4-Wheelers, playing Washers (or, in Shaun's Dad's case, Warshers), and just hanging out. I got really badly sunburned (again):

You can't really tell, but I'm very red. I will be wearing skirts for the next week or so. And yes, that's a burn line from my Teva's. Fantastic. I wore my Party Pink shorts today, and the burn line on my thigh is ridiculous. So painful. I'm chugging the water now and rubbing Body Biolage lotion on. You'd think I would have learned my lesson from last April, which I still have a burn line from - I'm not completely healed yet. But no... I didn't.

Idiot.

It was fun, though, this weekend. I liked seeing Shaun in that environment, away from the internet and his computer, fishing and 4-Wheeling, and being with his family. Paul's Valley is officially my favorite Oklahoma spot, and I would totally live there, at least from September to November, then from March to May.

For Hannah.

This is the story of a girl.

She hid her heart in Christ, and kept it there, locked away in a secret place. She knew that the greatest love of all was hers... and because of that, she made standards and kept them.

Many men lined up to date her. They brought her flowers, their love, romantic poems... but none of them had the qualities that she desired and needed. None were able to climb the ladder to reach her heart that was so well hidden in the Lord.

But the girl had a light - the Holy Spirit - that was there to help her. The light shone on whichever man was worthy of her love. And it rested on one man only. When that light - the light of love for and in the Lord - appeared, the girl knew that that was the man ordained for her.

Only he was able to climb the ladder, to search the Lord for the girl's heart. And only when he sought the Lord did he receive her love in return.

Here I am, humbled by the love that You give; forgiven so that I can forgive…
Now I know the greatest love of all is mine
Since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice…
Majesty, majesty, Your grace has found me just as I am -
Empty-handed but alive in Your hands…
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Junior Year So Far.

Me and Shaun.


At the Walk.


Kerr RAs, Clue Style.

Chapel Today.

I’ve been complacent.

But now I know the greatest love of all is mine, since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice….Majesty… Majesty.

James 1:5-6 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.”

James 1:16 “Don’t be deceived….”

When did I allow God to get this boring? When did I take His place from Him and give it to another? How am I going to change it?

God is in all things, for He fulfills. God is outside of all things for He gives shape. God is over all things, for He sees all. God is under all things, for He gives life to all things. God is everywhere, in everything, unbound by time or mistakes or my selfish ambitions and desires.

Matthew 5:8 “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”

Happy are those who get God – those who understand Him and what He is like – for God will be real to them.

I wanted to stand up, but I didn’t. Fear and apprehension and the chains held me back. He is asking me to do something hard… I think… but it has been so dang confusing lately, and I’m not really sure anymore of anything.

James 1:5-6 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.”

<>

I Love.

Taking a leaf from Hannah's book...

A List of Things I Love:
- Really good books that capture me, sweeping me into literary oblivion.
- People who take time to listen and talk to me.
- My girls, past and present. I love when my 2nd South girls stop by my room, or call me out on campus.
- My room, once again, the place I can go to just BE.
- Spending the night in Yurts with the Sisters and the conversations we have.
- Hippie bracelets.
- Bracelets in general.
- Watching people. At Spotlight tonight, Rachel and I were just sitting on the curb while she ate a hot dog, and I was watching people, and she commented. And I really do like to watch people. Seeing their mannerisms and how they interact with others... it's fascinating to me.
- MAIL!!!!! Especially when it's cookies... they are my favorite.
- My classes this semester.
- The Kerr RAs.
- Cold, sweater weather.
- Really fun, cute dresses.
- Working out.
- Setting and achieving goals.
- Crossing things off of To-Do Lists.

It's funny how most of the things that make me happy are completely random. But I guess it's the little things that really add up to the big things that matter.

The Sad Truth About Happiness.

I just finished reading a book titled "The Sad Truth About Happiness" by Anne Giardini. And while I am still not sure how I feel about it, there is a certain part that stands out to me.

The novel is about a woman, Maggie, who is on a personal quest to find happiness. There is not a lot of dialogue in it, but there is a lot of action... and a lot of stillness. But I digress.

P. 269:
"Happiness is more ephemeral than thought. It can't be observed without changing its nature. Its ingredients are subtle, and there is not guarantee that a formula or recipe for joy can be written out or passed on or repeated even once again. Happiness evades capture, dissolving like a melody into the air, eluding even the most delicate, careful grasp. It frustrates any systematic search, responding better to random fossicking and oblique approaches, and its rewards are infuriatingly arbitrary, stingy, or abundant by purest chance.

"Life is perhaps after all simply this thing and then the next. We are all of us improvising. We find a careful balance only to discover that gravity or stasis or love or dismay or illness or some other force suddenly tows us in unexpected direction. We wake up to find that we have changed abruptly in a way that is peculiar and inexplicable. We are constantly adjusting, making it up, feeling our way forward, figuring out how to be and where to go next. We work it out, how to be happy, but sooner or later comes a change - sometimes something small, sometimes everything at once - and we have to start over again, feeling our way back to a provisional state of contentment."

---------------------------

My life has felt very... I don't know. Very different lately. Very much like the paragraphs dictate. I am starting my third year of college, and I feel as if I am just in the flow, going along, not really sure. We really are - I really am - constantly adjusting, making it up as I go.

And I'm not sure if that's how life is supposed to be or not. I love talking to my new residents, hearing what they want to do, where they want to go... and I love thinking that during my freshman year, I thought I had it all figured up.

And boy did that change.

I changed my major. I changed my passions (or did my passions change me? Interesting thought...). I changed my friends (or rather, gained new ones). I changed what was important to me (which may or may not be a positive thing). I became more concerned with building relationships and less concerned with having lots of friends.

But I became a sort of social butterfly. I didn't see that in myself until earlier this week, when I was talking to a friend. But now, as I walk around campus, I say hi (and have hi said to me) by a lot of people. I know their names, but not necessarily anything else about them.

All of this to say, what is happiness? What does it look like? What does it look like in general and in my life specifically?

I think that happiness is having someone to talk to, someone to listen to, and something to talk about. Happiness is having something to do, emotions to feel, and thoughts to think. I feel happiest when I am talking to someone who knows what they are talking about, someone who can impart their wisdom upon me, someone who thinks that I am worthy of their time, effort, and energy.

I like knowing that I am worth it.

I mean, I know I am. Shoot - the God, the LORD, of the Universe sent His Son for me. I know that... but sometimes I don't. I know it in my head, but my heart doesn't always listen. My heart gets caught up in the things of this world, and it forgets the things out of this world.

I heard a song on the Christian radio station and it talks about how it's okay to not find your place here, because you don't belong here. And I forget that. And through that, I lose my happiness. I miss out on blessings God has intended for me. When I think more about life here than life THERE, I miss blessings.

Thus, happiness is living freely, unconcerned with the expectations of the world because your focus isn't on this world. This summer, I learned a lot about me... who I am, what I enjoy, what makes me ME. And I learned to be happy with that. No, I am not a supermodel (but I did try out for ANTM and I look in the mirror and know that I am breathtakingly beautiful). I am not an athlete (but I enjoy working out and am running a 5K in less than a month). Sometimes I get quiet (but I like to observe other people, I like to watch what they do - I learn a lot about them that way).

By being okay with myself, I subconsciously give other people the freedom and permission to be okay with themselves, too. I am not scared of looking foolish or being embarrassed, and hopefully people see that about me.

Happiness is knowing that in this life, it mattered that you lived. Happiness is knowing that without you, someone's life would be completely different. Happiness is seeing the kids at Mission Center run up, hold your hand, sit next to you. Happiness is talking to my girls, getting to know them where they are NOW, meeting their needs and praying with them. Happiness is living in the moment, not living in the future. Happiness is being okay with the fact that the future is not promised to us.

Hall.

Well, my girls are moved in. Most of them, anyway. I have three more or so that may show up. And I love them! They are all so beautiful and sweet. I can't wait to get to know them better.

I think we are going to have a painting party this weekend to paint canvasses to hang in the hall. It would be fun. Ever since we made Jade's present, I've had a hankering for painting. Call me crazy... but it's fun.

Say Okay.

I met a beautiful old woman today who graduated from OBU in 1944. She now serves on the Board of Directors or something like that, and is staying in the guest suite here in Kerr.

She asked where I was from, then told me a story about her husband going bear hunting in Kotzebue, Alaska in the 1970s, and how she gave him a check to give to the pastor of a Southern Baptist Church just so that he would attend a church service. The Pastor told him that he was the first hunter to ever go to church there.

I love random little meeting people moments like this. I love when you meet someone, and are just like, "Oh, hey, we have a little connection here."

My new girls move in tomorrow. I've realized that I haven't been calling them My Girls, like I did last year. My heart is a little bit hardened right now. I'm not really feeling this whole "RA" thing. But... it's coming. In less than 7 hours I will be waking up to get ready to welcome my girls. Crazy.

I want to leave a mark on their lives. I want it to matter that I am here. I don't want to just drift through this year, not really caring. Because I need to care. I need to be here for them. I need to do my job, putting my heart into it. My girls deserve that, if nothing else. I want them to know that I love them, even though I don't know them yet. I need a heart change.

And I need sleep. Story of my life.

Tired.

RA training is pretty much over, and in two days, the new little freshmen move in. It's... weird. Exciting? We're getting there.

I un-bunked my beds by myself today. I was actually really proud. Now I need to take some boxes to the attic... but it scares me. I've been putting it off since Monday. I need to get them up there by Friday night. That means I have one more day. Gosh. I'll go do it now. Scary. I'll go when I'm done with this.

I bought my textbooks today. And I am so excited about my classes now! I was looking at my texts, and they look so interesting and fun! One of my books is full of just kids songs, songs to sing with my students when I am a teacher. I think they are so great. I laid in my room, just singing the songs to myself, until Emily came in and we went to dinner.

I hung up my Africa map and my Labyrinth movie poster today.

I feel very... I don't even know.
I'm tired. Emotionally, especially, but also physically. Very tired physically. I just want to sleep all the time. I run my 5K in a little over a month, and I have pretty much stopped running completely. It's bad. But I'm so tired.

Friends come soon, then parents. Yay.

Oh My Gosh! An Empty Chair!

Just got back from RA retreat.

We had two hours of free time one afternoon, so Cari and I went for a run that turned into a walk after a short period of time. And we just talked and walked for two hours. It was fantastic. We had a really good conversation. And it makes me excited to be working with her again. We didn't just talk about superficial stuff, but we discussed relationships, and God, and our families, and trips we went on this summer.

It makes me realize how much the other RAs matter in my life. They are the ones that understand what it's like when residents are crap, when life is busy overwhelming, when everyone comes to you all the time and you just need to talk. They understand. And I like that.

I mean, I know other people understand, too. People will always act like crap, life will always be busy overwhelming, and people will always need to just talk.

So I don't know. But I like it.

Strengths Quest.

I am Strategic.

The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, “What if this happened? Okay, well what if this happened?” This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections. You discard the paths that lead nowhere. You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance. You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path—your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your Strategic theme at work: “What if?” Select. Strike.

I am Futuristic.

“Wouldn’t it be great if . . .” You are the kind of person who loves to peer over the horizon. The future fascinates you. As if it were projected on the wall, you see in detail what the future might hold, and this detailed picture keeps pulling you forward, into tomorrow. While the exact content of the picture will depend on your other strengths and interests—a better product, a better team, a better life, or a better world—it will always be inspirational to you. You are a dreamer who sees visions of what could be and who cherishes those visions. When the present proves too frustrating and the people around you too pragmatic, you conjure up your visions of the future and they energize you. They can energize others, too. In fact, very often people look to you to describe your visions of the future. They want a picture that can raise their sights and thereby their spirits. You can paint it for them. Practice. Choose your words carefully. Make the picture as vivid as possible. People will want to latch on to the hope you bring.

I have Positivity.

You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Some call you lighthearted. Others just wish that their glass were as full as yours seems to be. But either way, people want to be around you. Their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. Lacking your energy and optimism, some find their world drab with repetition or, worse, heavy with pressure. You seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. You inject drama into every project. You celebrate every achievement. You find ways to make everything more exciting and more vital. Some cynics may reject your energy, but you are rarely dragged down. Your Positivity won’t allow it. Somehow you can’t quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one’s sense of humor.

I am a Developer.

You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view no individual is fully formed. On the contrary, each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. And all the while you are on the lookout for the signs of growth—a new behavior learned or modified, a slight improvement in a skill, a glimpse of excellence or of “flow” where previously there were only halting steps. For you these small increments—invisible to some—are clear signs of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and satisfaction. Over time many will seek you out for help and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you.

I have Empathy.

You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.