Lists.

2009 is almost over. So here it is:

A List Of My Favorite Parts of This Year.
1. Being in India with my new family.
2. Monday Night Hiking Club.
3. Getting my longboard.
4. Running 5K.
5. Making hats.
6. John 12:1-9
7. Temporary tattoo sleeves.
8. The girls on my hall last year and the friendships established therein.
9. Brad's wedding.
10. Teaching 8th grade English.
11. Realizing that my life is not him, but Him.
12. The North 40 and my science group.
13. Skype.
14. Relationships that were created this year.
15. Getting to know my grandparents more.
16. Flying ten times.
17. Ending in a seven or a three.

And...
A List of my Hopes for 2010.
1. Run more. A lot more. Hello, half marathon.
2. Through number one, get in better shape.
3. Hike.
4. Crochet a sweater to take on J-Man.
5. J-Man.
6. Write letters to people.
7. Cook more.
8. Graduate with honors.
9. Simplify
10. and Prioritize.
11. Memorize more scripture.
12. Learn to knit.
13. Drive to Louisiana and Tennessee.
14. Think more.
15. Pray more.
16. Live in the moment.
17. Make a Bollywood film.

"A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me."

Oh, Happy.
You make me smile
and laugh
and dream
and think
a lot.

Thanks.

Seriously? Can this Christmas Break get any better?

Tuesday Tribute.

Parents, I know you are scared for me. You are unsure about what is coming in my future and truth be told, I'm scared, too. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know how the next two years will go nor what will happen after they are done. I just don't know.

Thank you for being brave for me. Thank you for teaching me and allowing me to be an individual. Thank you for encouraging me to try hard, for not accepting anything less than Me - the real, diligent, determined Me. Thank you for allowing me to fail. Thank you for trying to disuade me from decisions that lead to me failing. Thanks.

Thanks for providing me with what I need: money for college, even when it requires selling back your leave; money to buy groceries at school; a car; my American Girl Doll many years ago.

But there's so much more than that.
Mom, you taught me to love. To really love. To give unconditionally for other people. You always stayed up late finishing costumes for me, helping me with projects, sitting in the bathroom with me while I am sick. You speak truth into my life, even when I don't want to hear it. I respect your opinion a lot, Mom. I respect you a lot.
Dad, you taught me the importance of hard work. I see your example and I work hard to follow it. You never give up, never surrender. I admire that in you. Dad, I want to make you proud. I think that sometimes you don't understand where I'm coming from, but you always support me. Thanks.

Thank you for praying for me.
Thank you for taking me to church.
Thank you for sending me packages, for bragging about me, for not comparing me to Brad and Jeff all the time.
Thank you for letting me march to my own drum, to carve my own path, to be my own Me.

Decided.

I made my decision today, this morning, before I was fully awake, still on the cusp of sleep, with that scraggly edge lingering in my voice.

That's a lie. I made the decision last night. I followed through with it this morning.

So, goodbye first real teaching job, my 3rd and 4th graders who will not be mine. Goodbye lamp of learning, upstairs classrooms, an apartment in Oklahoma. Goodbye salary and benefits. Goodbye small-town living for a few more years.

And hello, uncertainty. Hello, teaching in an unknown location, unknown school, unknown everything. Hello, middle-of-nowhere, not seeing friends and family for two years, Skype, and new beginnings. Hello, following God's leading.

Finally.

Delayed obedience is disobedience. I know. That's why I did this.

You said you are proud of me. Thanks.
You said you were surprised, that you though I would take the job. Thanks?
You said not to second guess myself. I'm trying.
You said, "Wow."
You said, "We had no idea."
You said, "Last we heard, you were still uncertain. Then you came out this morning and dropped the bomb."
You said, "Go."

Welp, I'm going.

Home.

Home.
I love this place. Snow buries the landscape in a perfect blanket that gives freely, allowing you to gallivant through it making snow angels and memories. The stars were brilliant last night, and we stood in my driveway looking at them until my Dad came out and shined his flashlight on us. I felt like a high school girl and I kind of liked it.

I've been blushing a lot lately.

There's just something about coming home. I feel like a kid again.

30 Hours.

Just like Relient K, I am so "Over It."

Fall semester came and went, sunshine rising then fading at the end of a day, leaving nothing behind but a glimmer and a reminder of what had been. It's always colder after the sun sets. It's always colder after the anticipated passes.

30 Hours until home.

Thanks.

Psalm 94:18-19
When I said, "My foot is slipping," Your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul.

I Will Wait For You There. Phil Wickham.

I think I'm ready. Ready to be Mary rather than Martha. Ready to shut up and sit at Your feet, humbly just being with You. God, I'm sick of searching for Your will. I've been more concerned with that than becoming more like You. But at the same time, Lord, I don't know that I'm ready. Am I ready to follow Your leading?

I'm scared. And I know that You bring peace, assurance, and truth. You are Peace, Assurance, and Truth. But God...

But God...

What if I fail?
What if I lose?
What if I achieve nothing for Your kingdom?
What if nothing I do points to You?

God, the What ifs are making me scared. I don't want to focus on them anymore. But sometimes I feel overwhelmed by them. Instead, can I be overwhelmed by You?

My Life Next Semester.

The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called "truth." ~ Dan Rather

I received my student teaching assignment today. Fourth grade in Tecumseh.

Two Days.

So close - SO CLOSE! - to being done with this semester.

Keeping me from home:
-packing
-Clep test
-cleaning

The day after tomorrow.

Dear BFFFL.

Super Trouper - Superchick

You were meant to live large
Come on, take charge
Let's go light the world up
Let's not wait until the end
To be the things we wish we'd been
You were meant to live life
Come on, let's fly
You're a super trouper spotlight
We're gonna jump on the count of three
Here it comes now
ONE - TWO - THREE jump

Dr. Russell.

Dr. Jimmie Russell was clearly an inspiration to all students, peers, and community members who knew her. Simply reading the display case that details her life at OBU motivated and encouraged me in my quest of becoming a teacher. Dr. Russell’s life is a great example of what it means to be a teacher, as evidenced in the words written and spoken by those whose lives she touched.

In a broad sense, being a teacher is more than teaching the subject matter or the curriculum. Being a teacher means teaching students to live with their hearts. I think that your “heart” – not the physical heart, but the abstract heart – encompasses every part of life: dreams, fears, passions, secrets, hopes, and regrets, everything that encourages and excites a person, but also that which makes them think and reflect. True teachers consider each aspect of the heart, working to help the students develop into the person they want to be. Through this, teachers teach life. They lead by example and show their students that it is okay to fail, as long as you try.

Many times, teachers never know the important role they have played in someone’s life. Words expressed after one’s passing show the true magnitude of that person’s influence. Dr. Russell lived influentially through the lessons she taught in and out of the classroom, the service she offered her community, and the programs she developed, such as America Reads, working with the school in Russia, and starting a reading and math clinic.

However, reading about someone like Dr. Russell is also a bit intimidating. I so desire to have just half of that magnitude of impact on someone’s life, but I do not know how I relate to her life as a future educator. I suppose, like Dr. Russell, I have a huge passion for education. I sincerely believe that education changes both the lives of those teaching and of those learning. Every situation is an opportunity to learn. Coupled with a passion for teaching, there needs to be Christ-like behavior and advocacy. The main component of both Christ-likeness and advocacy is love. I have learned a lot about love this semester and am looking forward to applying that in my teaching career, and beforehand. Love in the teaching field is saying, “You can try again. This time you will get it.” It says, “I will fight for you and with you in this situation because you are worth it to me and to others.” Living a life of love through a passion for education is crucial to being a teacher who makes a difference.

I know that no one can replace Dr. Russell in the lives of those who knew her. I know that I am different from Dr. Russell in personality, ability, and technique. However, one day I hope to be someone’s “Dr. Russell” – the teacher that supported, inspired, and mentored her students and peers. Like Dr. Russell, I am not defined by the job I do. Who I am defines the quality of job I do. I am not Melissa Krauss because I am a teacher. I am a teacher because I am Melissa Krauss. My character, choices, and convictions make me who I am. In turn, they make me into the teacher I will one day become.

Today.

They offered me the job, Stone Bridge Academy. I could start working there next fall. It's December 8th and I could have the next few years already planned. $30,000 a year. Benefits. Opening year at a school. I want to say yes so badly that it hurts.

But something - Someone - is holding me back. When I got the call today, I almost cried.

God, I thought we had talked about this: They were supposed to say "no" so that my decision was made for me. I was going to take it as a sign. But then I got the job. Now what? I don't think You play games - I really don't - but what are You doing?

Driving back from Tulsa today, I started praying a lot, pouring out my desires and thoughts to God, holding nothing back, and honestly: tearing into Him. I was being very selfish. Jeremy Camp's song "Walk By Faith" popped into my head, so I tuned into it with my iPod. But it angered me. I don't want to walk by faith right now. I want to walk by Melissa's sight. Then, I listened to his song "Open Up Your Eyes" and the chorus struck me, a slap in the face:

And the time has come to realize
And see the plan you've been designed for
So face the fear of all unknown
And see the heart inside
So open up your eyes
So open up your eyes

There is so much unknown. Conference isn't until the end of February, and I may not find a job there that stands out to me. Rejecting the job at SBA means completely leaping out on faith. There's no ledge around the window, just the hope of a safety net there below. That scares me. It's hard for me to tell one awesome opportunity "NO!" when the possibility of finding a great job at Conference is not guaranteed. Because then what?! I gave up one thing for...nothing.

I keep telling You I trust You. But those appear to be empty words, smoke blowing into the atmosphere, there and then gone. Meanwhile, I am here, waiting, hoping, seeking. Will You come through for me?

If You Say Go.

If you say go I will go
If you say wait I will wait
If you say step out on the water and they say it can’t be done
I’ll fix our eyes on You and I will come

Your ways are higher than my ways
And the plans that You have laid are good and true
If You call me to the fire You will not withdraw Your hand
I’ll gaze into the flames and look for You

I’ll gaze into the flames and look for You

Highlights From The Week.

Well, there you are.

-Awesome interview at Stone Bridge!
"If we offer you the job next week, how would you react?"

-Call from Journeyman
This included an interrogation about Chris and an informal invitation to conference in February.

-Running. Lots of running.
Goal: Run everyday until I leave. So far, so good!
Goal: By Saturday, December 5, run 3 miles. CHECK! 3.1 today. Hello, Mr. 5K!
Goal: By Saturday, December 12, run 4 miles.

-Mission Center party tonight.
Kathleen... so happy. Spent most of the evening with her, decorating and eating sugar cookies, coloring, writing with the same color markers, listening to the puppet show, giving her the picture of us.

-Procrastination on homework...
Until last night.

-Good eye-opening conversations with people.

Taking a leaf from Kristina's book.

Midnight Conversations.

Thoughts and memories can instantly turn bitter, leaving that lasting residue in your mouth of regret and pain. I wear my heart on my sleeve, to echo the cliche that clogs our world. One look at my face and you generally will know exactly what I am thinking.

Where was I one year ago? Two years ago?

A very different place than where I am now, far away, hidden in the shades of a life that I would soon like to forget, but a life I am destined to live with merely because that's how life is.

Countdown.

Sixteen blessed days from now I will be en route to Alaska. Oh happy, happy day. In honor of those 16 days, here are 16 things I am thankful for:

1. A lovely weekend spent at my grandparent's house in Oregon: "sleeping in" until 8am, the smell, marking my height on the door, sewing.
2. Frequent flier miles.
3. Cell-phones and being able to call people I really care about to talk about nonsensical things.
4. My car. I am SO thankful for my car.
5. Christmas. All of it.
6. Packages in the mail, even if you only get them because you ordered stuff on-line.
7. Christmas music on Pandora, and the ability to skip the Chipmunks songs.
8. Job interview this week. Exciting, but nerve wracking!
9. Visiting my 8th graders this morning, just to take a picture, and seeing their excited reactions when I walked through the door.
10. Skype. I am very thankful for Skype.
11. Really fun shoes that add to my teacher outfits.
12. Being able to run (2.5 miles yesterday. My goal is 4 by the time I come home.)
13. Water. It's yummy.
14. Making plans for when I go home: snow shoeing, poster contest, sister time, shooting, sledding, movies, IHOP...
15. Getting the grade back on my Math Methods PK-3 unit about dinosaurs.
16. The socks my grandma made that I've been wearing lately. So warm and comforting.

Interview on Thursday with Stone Bridge Academy.
No.
Way.

Stone Bridge.

Ha. God surprises me. I love it.
I thought, "Surely Journeyman or teaching in the Bush. That's what I'll do, come May 15th. It'll be good. Epic and fun."

And then.

Coffee with Sarah on Friday. She said, "I have a job prospect for you!" and out comes a brochure for Stone Bridge Academy, opening next fall in Okmulgee. "My brother-in-law is the principal and I told him all about you. He wants to see your resume. You should apply."

Ha.

So. I just sent in my resume.

Come Home.

Dang. Maybe I do want to do Journeyman.
It's just so confusing.

I'm being pulled in two different directions.

Alaska: family, friends, Eskimo village, home, home, change but familiarity, mountains, adventure

Journeyman: uncertainty, adventure, new friends, trust, growth, dependence on God like never before

To Me, You Are.

My Father who art in heaven. Hallowed be His name!
He teaches me things.
He is the stump.
From Him all things grow, flourish, and find life. He births, sustains, ends.

Be all, end all.

Singer over my soul, refresher of my breath, strengthener of my legs.
He never gives up on me.
He never lets go of me.

He's calling me - beckoning - for me to step out.
To take that leap.
That jump from the top of the fridge into His arms; away from the wall and into the music with Him; across the wobbly bridge to where He stands, eagerly waiting for me.
He rejoices over me, my Redeemer and Lover.

He is.
He is beyond compare, beyond description. The letters in the English language cannot spell out a word amazing enough, wonderful enough, beautiful enough for Him. Twenty-six little letters cannot do the Lord and Maker of the Universe justice.
I stand before Him, awe-struck, confused, and humbled and the words I attempt to utter fall short. My heart harbors ill-will, discouragement, bitterness, anger, smugness. All He wants is my heart.

The great thing about God is that I don't have to clean up my act before I come to Him. He accepts me now, broken and lonely. He takes me under His wing, and because He loves me, He doesn't leave me like that.

This week. This week has been hard. This world is challenging, but my God is greater still. He is greater still.

John 16:33 "I have told you this so that through me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but be courageous-I have overcome the world."

This just in: Medical clearance for J-Man.

This could happen.

Wow.
Something is stirring in me; as of yet, I am unsure as to what it is. Do I even like it?

From Tuesday: A Tuesday Tribute.

I just returned home after coffee with a friend I hadn't seen or spoken to much in about 6 months. It was good - and it's funny how God uses my own words (His words spoken through me) to speak to me.



Melinda:

I appreciate your willingness to serve God, your desire to be used by Him, regardless of where He wants you to go. I value you: You clearly just want to follow Him. When you were deterred from Journeyman, you lost a lot of steam, but you haven't lost all hope. You have goals and dreams: reach for them. Move in that direction.

God has you waiting for a reason. Look for that reason. Allow this time to prepare you.

What you are doing now will prepare you. I promise. You are loving people, working with people, serving people, becoming more you. No matter what your future holds, you will be prepared because you are becoming more Christ-like.

I'm proud of you, proud to call you friend.

Thank you, that on my birthday in 2008, you were there. Thanks for going to the movies with me, ordering pizza with me, making crowns with me. Thanks. That really meant a lot to me. I felt like everyone had left, but they hadn't. You were still there.

Did I ever tell you how much I appreciated that? Because I really did.

Harvest Court.

Mm. Finally cold outside. Blustery, as I sit on my couch watching the trees sway, lashing like hair flipped coolly over a shoulder.


Harvest Court made my heart soar with surprise and delight, shock and disbelief, humility and blessings. Best All Around. Who knew?
Not me.

I see my shortcomings, and God is working on them in me. Especially last night. Ezekiel 3:14 "The Spirit then lifted me up and took me away, and I went in bitterness and in the anger of my spirit with the strong hand of the Lord on me."

Man. I have harbored so much bitterness and anger in my spirit regarding J-Man. I have been resistant, completely closed off. A locked gate leading to blessing. Opening the gate, however, means being open to great change and difficulty - the laying down of my will, the pouring out of my perfume...again. Not that that should surprise me. I mean, the Word says that that will happen. God is always faithful. And yet, the next time it happens, I am hesitant again.

Does that ever change?

Texting Conversation I Had Last Night With A Boy I Don't Know Who Had The Wrong Number And Lives In Washington.

"Hey this is Chris. Do you think I have a chance with Amy?"

"Yeah, go for it! What do you have to lose?"

"But do you think I have a chance?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

"Will you find out?"

"What?"

"Will you ask her if I have a chance?"

"I don't have her number."

"Yes you do."

"No, I don't. I lost it."

"This is Hannah, right?"

"No, I go to school in Oklahoma."

"No you don't."

"Wanna bet?"

"I can't prove it."

[insert picture of me] "Now you know."

"You married? You're really pretty."

"Thanks, my boyfriend THE PILOT thinks so, too."

Two Weeks In Africa. Caedmon's Call.

I was that girl.

Dear Mean Person Who Egged My Car:

Why?
Jealous of the Alaska license plates? You should be.
But really, thank you.

Thank you for not slashing my tires, keying my car, breaking my headlights, funneling the gas out of my tank, or attempting to break in. I don't understand you, but that's okay. Maybe you were bored. Or drunk. Or saw something you didn't like on facebook. Maybe I know who you are. I think I might.

Bud, Not Buddy.

by Christopher Paul Curtis

“When you make up your mind to do something, hurry up and do it. If you wait you might talk yourself out of what you wanted in the first place.” (27)

So true. Over thinking is the enemy of bravery.

“It’s funny how ideas are, in a lot of ways they’re just small like seeds. Both of them start real, real small and then…woop, zloop, sloop…before you can say Jack Robinson they’ve gone and grown a lot bigger than you ever thought they could.” (91)

I had a small idea of being a teacher. I love my 8th graders. They make me laugh everyday. They tell the best stories and just want their voices to be heard. I'm glad I stuck with the class after my first hard day.

“If you didn’t have a real good imagination you’d probably think those noises were the sounds of some kid blowing a horn for the first time, but I knew better than that. I could tell those were the squeaks and squawks of one door closing and another one opening.” (235)

Doors. One door closed (thank goodness) in Chicago this summer. It was about time. Because it closed, another opened. Those squeaks and squawks were hard to identify as a blessing at the time but they so were.

Reading Methods Poems.

I wish my laundry was done.
I wish my 8th graders listened better.
I wish I could run further, faster.
I wish I was in Alaska.
I wish I had found dress pants today.
I wish You would just tell me what to do already.
I wish my parents felt better.
I wish I could see my pictures.
I wish my computer wasn't broken.

I wish You would just tell me what to do already
Because then we could stop this guessing game.
I would move in the right direction,
No longer allowing doubt and apprehension to cloud my vision,
Spiderwebs covering a doorway
Blocking your path until you stumble through it.
I would still cling tightly to Your hand, wouldn't I?

Gray is my future, a rain cloud,
And it's pouring on my roof.
But still Your blood pours red;
It encourages me to cling to You.
White was Your smile when I proclaimed,
"I want to know You more."
Your purple robe fills the temple
Where I pour out my perfume for You,
Clear and holy
Given in sacrifice to You.

I feel like trepidation
As I watch You walk in front of me,
Next to me,
Behind me,
All around me.
I hear Your voice beckoning
And it scares me.
Cripples me.
An insect caught in a web.
I taste Your love and
I let it linger on my tongue.
I savor it.
Your goodness and mercy fill my soul.
I feel peace - finally peace -
As I continue to wait for You.

In.

In 43 days, I will be for Christmas and January.
In 20 days, I will be in Oregon for Thanksgiving.
In 14 week days, I will be done with my practicum.

Hey!

<>

Halloween!
Tonight I am dressing up as an Eskimo, in my kuspuk, fur hat, mittens, and moccasins.
Bring it on, Trunk or Treat!

These Are The Nights.Making April.

"Dangers were no more than odd imaginings, like ghost stories that children made up to frighten one another: things that couldn't possibly happen." - Number the Stars, by Lois Lowry, p. 42

"[The most important thing is] different for everyone...You find out on your own. But in the meantime, you got to remember, you can't always judge people by the things they done. You got to judge them by what they are doing now." - Because of Winn Dixie, by Kate DiCamillo, p. 96

"I decided that bravery is looking in Pandora's box full in the eyes as best you can, and then turning to the other box, the one with the smoothbeautiful folds inside: Momma kissing trees, my Gram saying, 'Huzzah, huzzah,' Gramps and his marriage bed." - Walk Two Moon, by Sharon Creech, p. 277

-----------

8th graders made me cry this morning. They are mean and rude and they talk a lot and they don't care about reading. But their most important thing is different than mine. They have histories, too. Somewhere, in their history of school, they were told that they didn't have to care or try. Bravery in the classroom is embracing those challenges, along with the good times, and running with it, taking it full in the face and making a difference.

How Great Thou Art.

I love this time of evening: Twilight, when the world is swathed in golden light. The red in the trees shines brighter. The street lights are beginning to come on, promising once again to watch over our campus like the stars do the night sky. The clouds in the sky are painted pastel blue and gray with streaks of brilliant gold running through it, water over rocks cascading down a mountain.

Breathtaking.

He numbers the stars one by one, calling each forth at the right time.
How great Thou art!

How great Thou art.

When I see this, when I walk past the laundry room and breathe in freshness, new beginnings, and hope, when I feel this way, I realize that You, You are God and You are greater than anything I can imagine. You know me, love me, and call me according to Your purpose. Yet You give me a choice. You have a plan, but You let me make decisions. You direct my steps. You hold me hand, a Father helping His child walk for the first time.

How great Thou art.

Big City Dreams. Never Shout Never.

You say we're both little people and you like it that way
But in time I'm gonna put this body to shame (and grow old)
Wear a suit like my old man
Pack up all my things and get my butt outta town

We've got it good
Whether you like this town or not
I know it's small but with a big head
It's bound to get hot
In the summer
But the summer is a bummer
If you can't leave
This pathetic excuse for a town

That holds all your memories
A lifetime of crushes and your broken dreams
To be anywhere but here
But baby anywhere is away from me

If you got it all figured out
Then what is there to shout about
This midwest town is gonna miss you
Just go ahead and work it out
But first come on and let it out
Scream it shout tell everybody how your gunna leave

In about one year you'll have it all figured out
These big city dream are what you're about
Walking like strangers among these states
Only time will tell how long I can wait

We've got it good
Whether you like this town or not
I know it's small but with a big head
it's bound to get hot
In the summer
But the summer is a bummer
If you can't leave
This pathetic excuse for a town

That holds all your memories
A lifetime of crushes and your broken dreams
To be anywhere but here
But baby anywhere is away from me

If you got it all figured out
Then what is there to shout about
This midwest town is gunna miss you
Just go ahead and work it out
But first come on and let it out
Scream it shout tell everybody how your gunna leave

Me again oh so casually
Did you take the hit for me or the home team

If you got it all figured out
Then what is there to shout about
This midwest town is gonna miss you

More.

God still loves me more.
More than the book, T-shirt, letters, inside jokes.

God still loves me more.
Unfathomable.

You Are God. Charlie Hall.

You're closer than our troubles
More present than any danger
More grand than gold and silver
You are God, You are God

You're the joy of man's desire
You are Father, Satisfier
We are stunned with wide-eyed wonder
You are God, You are God

You fill our hearts with love and faith
You fight for us, You make us brave
You are God, You are God.
You walk with us, You lead us on
Faith, hope and love wakes up with dawn
You are God, You are God


Thinking last night about how God fights for me. He fought for me. He fought satan for my soul, for my life, and He fought with the most powerful thing in the world:

Love.

God fought with love, with love crucified on a cross, and because of that, I live. Because of that, I am brave. Because of that, I know Him and can approach Him freely, at any time, in any place, undeniably His daughter.

I don't think satan was expecting to lose to or through love. The only love he knows is distorted, selfish, evil. That love does nothing for others. But God's love - legit love - changes things.

It changed me.

Tuesday Tribute.

KRISTINA: You are my friend.

My e-mailing friend, but also my in-person friend. Since... sixth grade? Forever ago. I don't remember being sixth grade friends, but you do, and that's cool.

Concert friends. The mosh pit, and Tree 63. Remember taking a picture with them? And Audio Adrenaline. We made T-shirts, right? Mine said "You're cooler than my Ethiopian keychain." I feel like a lot of our friendship is music. Band, though we didn't sit together. But music videos... ha. Sadie Hawkin's Dance at your birthday party, and Hannah's music video, filmed in part in your parent's bathtub. Kayak sledding came to be during the creation of that music video. I borrow your CD's often. Thanks. You introduced me to good music. But you also like me, even though I sometimes listen to Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana.
Music in high school consisted of playing our metal lunchboxes in the school hallways during lunchtime. Ha, and playing imaginary violins, making the noise, and rocking back and forth to the fake music. We were so cool, I can't even explain it. We were oblivious to what people thought of us, or at least I was. I think you were too, though we never talked about it.

I'm glad we founded the Monday Night Hiking Club. It was a great summer, in large part due to that. I'm glad you like to go adventuring and take pictures. Thanks.

And I'm glad you like Harry. Oh, Harry.

I really like how you like to travel. I'm glad you have found something you are passionate about, and I hope you get to pursue that often in the future. My prayer for you is that as you travel, you make a difference in the lives you touch. I know you will. You are very brave, in that if you want to go somewhere, you just do. I admire that in you. I would have been intimidated by SAS, but you owned it. When you live somewhere exciting, can I come visit you?

John Madden Junior. IHOP. Ha, IHOP. I feel like we had a lot of good times at IHOP. Like the time me, you, and Cody went, and our waitress hated life. I kept laughing and you and Cody kept spilling stuff. Or maybe that was just Cody and you got food for free. Either way, epic.

I've got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night. Rock the boat, don't rock the boat, baby.

Losing shoes on birthdays. Hubcaps. Asking my Grandpa to take a picture of us hanging from something, and the picture looking ridiculous. Bear walking. Guessing noises at Portage Glacier. Writing on index cards and adding it to the wall. "I like rocks. My friend fell in the glacier water. It was cold. It's her birthday! -Kristina" "Once a month you should shoot a cannon at the glacier to see it cave."

So many memories.

Thanks. Thanks for blessing my life, for making memories with me, for making me laugh and listening to me. Thanks for reading and responding to my e-mails. Thanks for drawing me pictures and for labeling everything.

Hey, let's be friends, Stop.

Ephesians 2:19-22.

Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus Himself as the chief cornerstone.

In Him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord.

And in Him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by His Spirit.

My Heart.

Oh, God.

I am really frustrated right now, more so than I have been in a long, long time. Maybe ever. And maybe I'm just exaggerating a little bit, but surely not a lot. God, I feel like I just don't know - like I have no idea - where You are leading.

Your still, small voice has gotten lost in the crowded world of Me. As hard as I try, I can't hear it. I can't hear You. Every now and then I hear You break through, then just as quickly, I choose to dismiss You, like someone brushing away an annoying fly at a picnic, like Cody shooing the bee away while we sat on the brick wall today.

Come thou fount of every blessing. Tune my heart to sing Thy grace. God, I am a singer completely out of tune, lost in this song, hopeless as to what page we are on, what measure we are in, what instrument I am supposed to be playing.

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You." My mind is not steadfast.

God. This is hard. Why do I feel as though You are not here?

Love,
Me.

Eight Forty Eight.

I dressed for success, and my feet almost fell off. The red shoes are a little too small... but so cute. Oh, the things girls do.

Like staying up late. I mean, really?

Can I sit by You? I'm so in awe of You. For real. I had a hard time the other day comprehending the awesomeness of my Savior. I just kept thinking about how He hears me, knows me, and loves me. Unashamedly, liberally, tangibly. Please may I kiss Your hand? I only want to be with You. I just want to hold Your hand.

I am here. HERE. In my apartment, at my desk, 100%, completely here. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I am savoring, dwelling, living. But so often I'm not. I got halfway through dinner the other day before I realized I was there. I was just going through the motions while my head and heart were somewhere else altogether. When I had the realization that I had missed the previous three hours of my life, I was astounded. Where have I been?

A friend who went to Asia with me and I had coffee together today. We sat and talked, just sharing about our lives. I've missed doing that with him, with friends in general.

Running.

For the first time all semester, I feel the weight of school pressing down on me. It's an odd sensation, after having such an easy time with everything for so long.

But then I remember things like this, when Emily was in Alaska, and we went on epic adventures in Hatcher's Pass. We were chased by ghosts and spirits of dead miners. As long as we ran, we were safe.

Sometimes I just want to run away from here.

Yesterday would have been three years. No regrets. I was thinking last night about this, and this morning Jay's sermon fit it well. He said, "Paul was under house arrest for two years. But God was still sovereign in those two years. He had a reason for them." I will trust Him.

Even fairy tale characters would be jealous.

You know they would.

Tuesday Tribute.

To Hannie:

Oh, Friend. The years have flown by. It's like I blinked in the light of the blinding sun and opened my eyes to a Twilight Fading.

Ha. Remember? Do you remember it all?

Remember the time you, Kyle, and I made a lemonade stand? We had about two customers all day and one of them was a man who bought a scoop of hot chocolate mix. He paid $5.00 for it. I was grossed out when he added it to his coffee mug. But now I, too, know the joy of a mocha. We advertised for our stand with a homemade sign. We jumped up and down on the trampoline, holding it up. You bought purple pom-poms with your share of our earnings.

Remember when we went to the cabin (oh, all the times at the cabin!) and we were down by the water? We wanted to balance on the mini floating dock. So we stood on it together, dressed in our jeans and shirts. But then we lost our balance and fell in the water. My Mom said that if we returned to the cabin, we would not be allowed to get back in the lake that night. We were drenched and just wanted to put our suits back on, but we weren't allowed to. Remember?

Remember swimming lessons with Sunny? We were the oldest ones in the class.

Remember signing to each other in Mrs. Howell's 4th grade class? We could "talk" all we wanted and never get in trouble for "talking"! How clever we were back then. Ha.

Remember riding scooters in the Subway in Germany? Remember walking down the road, determining not to move so that the other person has to, then at the last minute dodging the Germans? Remember how every time Kyle filmed, he ended his shot by zooming in on a random person? Remember Diddle? And there was the night we ate in a Biergarten and the men were singing really loudly? I had a pasta dish that night for dinner, and we kept giggling at the men inside. We went swimming in a German swimming pool. I was scared to go off the diving board, but you and Kyle patiently waited in the water below for me. A German man saved my life when I almost drowned in the wave pool. We ate McDonald's for lunch that day. The Passion Play was fun. We watched the Olympics in the hotel. I remember exactly how that hotel room was laid out.

We died Kyle's hair blue. Remember? It turned out almost gray. My Mom came into the bathroom and helped us.

"Expression" by Helen Jane Long reminds me of us.

You, Hannie, are so important to me. My sister since second grade. The forts. The secrets. The dreams. Bike-riding to the Palmer library. Driving around with no destination or purpose in mind.

Even though we're growing up, know that I'll always love you; you will always be an important, integral part of my life. Thanks for being you.

Revelation.

Revelation from Senior Woman's Bible Study that took entirely too long for me to understand:
It really does all lead to God.

The tears.
The waiting.
The uncertainty.
The birds, roofs, and masala.
The orphanage, Vuyi, and soccer.
The joy.
The laughter.
The talking.
The remembering.

The remembering.
The pain in the remembering.
The disappointment.

Painting in the rain.
Eating with hands.
Shivering in the cold, but laughing out loud together.
Dance parties at auditions.
Wind-blown hair.

Stubbing your toe.
Sunburns.
Paper cuts.

It all points back to God. It all leads to Him and it can all be used for His glory. It all works together to fulfill His perfect plan in His perfect timing.
Reassuring.

Home.

My home church called tonight, and I missed the call. But when I listened to the message, my face broke into a HUGE grin.

I called them back right away. When they answered, I literally jumped up and down. Three times.

There were thirty people or so crowded into Pastor's office, sitting around the desk to talk to me. They all took their turns saying "hi" and I responded to each of them with either a hi, an exclamation of joy, or a laugh.

Collin. Anna. Morgan. Janelle. Mom and Dad. The Thompsons. The Reeders. Oh, joy.

I was walking across campus, and when I got to the chapel, I sat on the pavement and just talked with them. I told them about the church I attend here, where people really worship and where God speaks to me about the same things that He is teaching me in my life personally. I told them how long I have until graduation (one and three quarters semester), how many classes I have left (three, plus student teaching), and what I was doing tonight (working at the desk). I told them I would be home in less than three months, that I would do my best to bring Thomas home with me, and that I could not WAIT to see them.

It was so encouraging, hearing that many people want to talk to me, to encourage me, to remind me that they love me (as Janelle said four or five times) and that they pray for me.

I can't stop smiling.

Mat-Su Miner baseball games with the youth, making T-shirts at Little Millers in Wasilla, writing random numbers on our shirts, wearing hard hats since they are the Miners. Painting Tyler's hair.

Mission Trips... SO much fun, but so different, one from the other.
Hawaii: tattoos, wetting the cave, singing in the vans, driving everywhere, rain, two-step dancers, the King's swimming hole, pork blood, dead frogs, prayer walking.
Florida. Leading, but not really. Mostly just hanging out with the youth, taking random pictures, spotting alligators, catching crabs, and rope swinging.

The amazing ladies. Writing letters to me all the time, in the competition; buying me ice-cream; praying for me; encouraging me. Loving me. Teaching me. Guiding me.

Then the girls - hanging out with them and their Mom, laughing until we almost cried at the pictures and videos we made. Melissa's Box of Fun. Smoothies.

My heart is so full, I might actually explode.

They always say that our church is one of a kind; that there is no other like it. I agree.

We didn't start going there until right before 10th grade, when Mom was out of town, and Dad I went. My high school math teacher was there. He was ordained as a deacon a few weeks later. "Cop Church," as Brad called it. He's right. I feel like I grew up at the church. I know I did, at least spiritually.

MYPD.
Rededicating Life.
Missions.
Teaching Sunday School and VBS.
Acteens.
Traveling to North Carolina, Hawaii, Florida, Juneau, and Anchorage.
Senior Citizen Centers.
Anchorage Homeless Shelter.
Singing Valentine Grams.
Being prayed over.
Being sent out to Oklahoma, Africa, and India.
Icecream fund raisers when I'm not even there.

Really, though - words can't express it all.

Nine Twenty-Three.

Remember when? Those were the days.

Remember when we dressed up, too? And, laughingly, I petrificus totalused you, right in the middle of the theater. We had wand fights, in our billowing robes, and your hair stayed black a lot longer than you hoped. People watched, and we made them guess who was who.

I was Hermione.

I made a cloak for Zoe also. She wore it for l'Halloween that year. I put a picture in my baby book and told Le Grand Escargot about it, I think.

Remember that he drove us in, and the car battery died, and it was snowy, and we wore our robes to stay warm? We were almost in a few car accidents that night, and we laughed a lot.

That feels like forever ago... lifetimes ago. Light-years ago, around the bend in the solar system, just out of sight, but like a tumor on my brain that grows in sadness and joy (at the same time) the more I remember it. The stars flit in and out of view as I see us, standing in a huddle at the theater, laughing about why we were dressed up again? Then a planet comes along, blocking us from view, as reality sets in again, and I realize that that... that was a long time ago. And we can't always - ever - go back there.

Huh, he said.

Porcelain.

This music makes me feel... kind of alone and vulnerable, but also capable. Strong. Able to do and be more than I was before. It makes me feel like traveling quickly down an incline plane, the wind rushing past me as I contemplate... everything. Life. Words. The meaning. <> And trees and death and truly living and the difference between it all.

It's called "Missing Piece Number One" by Roger Eno.

So many ways to interpret that. Missing: Piece Number One. [I'm] Missing Piece Number One. Missing Piece - Number One. So many meanings... which one is true?

I haven't decided if it matters or not.

It makes me want to take pictures, epic ones, ones that make people stop and think and just BE for a minute or two. That doesn't happen often enough in this crazy, busy, wonderful, scary world. I don't do that often enough. Just sitting at Braum's with favorite people made me antsy. Made me want to get up and move - do something - go somewhere - be someone.

The new Bible Study, "What Do You Do With Your Wait?", makes me think it's okay to wait. I know it's okay to wait. But seeing - Biblically - why waiting is fine and good and a learning experience is really interesting. Challenging. God's been doing a lot of that challenging stuff lately.

A Favorite: "Release" by Helen Jane Long.

Ironic. Porcelain. Breakable. Nothing can be fixed if it isn't broken first. Nothing can be born unless something dies.

Just So You Know.

You make me laugh.
A lot.

My face often hurts from smiling.

Ode To The Carburetor.

Oh Carburetor, we adore thee
Pumping fuel into our cars
The engine would seize without thee
Don't let us go into bars
Open cylinders of gladness
Let our hearts rejoice in speed
Without you cars run with madness
We will let you take the lead

How He Loves Us.

Last time I saw You, You had just knocked on my door. I was dressed up, reading for our time together. The door swung open while I was still at the top of our stairs, and You stepped inside smiling at me, beaming at me, so excited that I wanted to be with You.

You looked amazing. I couldn't take my eyes off of You. I tried looking away, embarrassed by the love that was so evident in Your eyes. And when I tried, Your gaze held my face anyway, holding it in place, freezing me.

As I walked down the stairs, You held out Your hand for me to take. As I looked at You, You whirled me out the door, spreading You arm to show me the scene beyond my front porch.

I looked.

And there... painted in the sky in indescribable shades, was the most beautiful sunset I ever saw, created just for me by You. The colors mixed, blending together to perfection, like Your smile, like Your love, like Your grace. It made my breath catch, seeing it, seeing You. You started laughing as You took in my look of joy and awe. Your laugh was brilliant, genuine, tinkling like a glass being tapped at a wedding reception so that the couple awkwardly kisses.

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.

Then I blinked, and things were different.

You still knocked on my door, and when I descended the stairs, You were there waiting. You showed me the sunset, and I was in awe. But then the sunset faded, and it was just You there. Just You.

I say "Just You"... but it was so much more. It was YOU. I am so unaware. I told You, "I want to be aware. I want to want You." You said, "Okay."

You withheld water, but I never thirsted for You.
You withheld food, but I never hungered for You.
You did great things, terrible, wonderful things, but I never cared.

I'm ready to thirst, to hunger, to care.
I'm ready, and though I'm scared...
You are still there, showing me the sunset, showing me Yourself.
You were so much more beautiful than the sunset. The Creator is greater than the created. Always.

So Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy, wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves me.

Grey Promenade.

I see how things have changed. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. I see looks of consternation and confusion, usually staring back at me in the mirror, unperturbed by the day's events. I see smiles, too often hidden until late at night.



Pandora: Bella's Lullaby Radio. Good study music. It makes me want to wear a long coat and walk down the foggy streets of London with my eyes closed so I can watch myself dance a ballet on a lonely stage in the spotlight. The audience has left for the night, returning to their flats that are full of light, but not love. Their flats that house fears and failures, where they are scared to show them to the world at large.

Oh wait, that was Oklahoma today.

I love this weather: drizzly, chilly enough to notice it, but not enough to really make you cold. The leaves are starting to fall, landing in piles that are soggy, sticking to the grass and sidewalk. I slushed through them in my rain boots on the way to and from class, giggling to myself when they stuck to me.

I'm sticking with you, because I'm made out of glue.

It will be a busy week, what with flag football starting (my goal this year is to not go to the Emergency Room), my portfolio due, things to mail, and projects and tests. Piaget. American Girl.

Orange construction cones are littering the campus and our apartment with reminders of care-free days and eternal sunshine.

Like A Kid Again.

It rained all day today. I got the urge to Slip N' Slide.

Emily came to take pictures, and Sherrod slipped and slid with me and another girl. We ran all over campus, finding the best puddles (by West U and Agee) and going at it. I fail at sliding into them, Superman style, and usually opt instead for falling on my knees. Consequently, I have grass burns on my shins and somehow on my back as well.

We ate ice-cream afterward and watched "Man vs. Wild."
Survival Tip Number 1: When you find a freezing cold raging river, you should strip down until you are completely naked and wade across.
Survival Tip Number 2: If you need your skiis to grip better, pee on them.
Survival Tip Number 3: If you find an abandoned cabin, don't stay there! Keep walking.
Survival Tip Number 4: When building a raft out of deb-ree, make sure the barrel you are using does not, in fact, have a hole in it.
Survival Tip Number 5: Don't speak too quickly about the quality of said raft.

The Giver. Lois Lowry.

"But anyway, I was thinking, I mean feeling, actually, that it was kind of nice, then. And that I wish we could be that way, and that you could be my grandparent. The family in the memory seemed a little more - " He faltered, not able to find the word he wanted.

"A little more complete," The Giver suggested.

Jonas nodded. "I like the feeling of love," he confessed. He glanced nervously at the speaker on the wall, reassuring himself that no one was listening. "I wish we still had that," he whispered. "Of course," he added quickly, "I do understand that it wouldn't work very well. And that it's much better to be organized the way we are now. I can see that it was a dangerous way to live."

"What do you mean?"

Jonas hesitated. He wasn't certain, really, what he had meant. He could feel that there was risk involved, tough he wasn't sure how. "Well, he said finally, grasping for an explanation, "they had fire burning in the fireplace. And there were candles on a table. I can certainly see why those things were outlawed.

"Still," he said slowly, almost to himself, "I did like the light they made. And the warmth." (126)

It's official: Thanksgiving with Grandma and Grandpa!!!!!

Can't wait.
Oh heck.

"How's living in the half-way house?"

Mind Change.

I remembered tonight why I like OBU. And it really isn't because of OBU. It's because of Mission Center.

Kathleen wasn't at home when we went to her house, but her Mom dropped her and Madison off at the building. When I arrived, Kathleen saw me and literally yelled my name and ran to me. I caught her in my arms, spun her around, gave her a HUGE hug, and talked with her. Oh, that girl... third grade, in the top 5% of the nation. So amazingly sweet, funny, and caring. I love her and will miss her terribly. We even got to talk to her mom for a while.

I just... man.
I got a letter from Sydni today. At the VERY end, she wrote, "'Take courage! As you have testified about me in Jerusalem, so you must also testify in Rome.' - Acts 23:11B... Why God has you where He has you!" And I mean, that just hit me.

I may not want to be at OBU. But there is a reason I am: so that I can testify about Him. Who am I, really, to decide where I want to be and when, when the God I serve is so much bigger and greater?!

Here.

I managed my time very well today.
Class was fun: movies in both, plus an art project, presentation, and discussion.
Lunch, then workout.
Homework.
Printing things.
Filling out paperwork.
Meetings.
Bible Study.

Bible Study.

America's Got Talent. If I were on the show, what would I do? Paint something, maybe. Fall off a longboard. Teach.

I don't want to be here. I am frustrated, tired, and annoyed.
And I can tell that it hurts people when I say that, but I don't know what else to say.

Jon Foreman. Your Love Is Strong.

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Chorus (3x):
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

(Chorus 3x)

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

A List of Blessings on a Wednesday Afternoon:

- Hanging out with Crab Hat Girl yesterday, taking fun pictures and talking.
- Getting mail today: letter from Grandma and a surprise from Alaska. I had to play Rock Paper Scissors with the mail room guy, and win two out of three, so that he would look for my package.
- Lunch with Sarah!
- Hearing my watch tick.
- Getting to cook dinner tonight.
- Making an alphabet book in class today.
- And I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all.
- Portfolio.
- OCBF time this weekend!! Party it up! ha. No, but really, I am SO excited.
- Skype.
- Feta cheese is so good.
- Biscuits and gravy for dinner tonight! And eggs. And fruit. And cookies from B-Street for dessert!

August.

Goodbye, August. You passed quickly, just like the months before you.

You passed with rays of mountain climbing, henna, and friends. Dates, Pictures, and Tie-Dye filled your days with laughter.

Oh, August.
Must you leave already? I feel like we were just getting to know each other.

A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me.

Chris read this poem for me last night:

"A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me" by Derrick Brown

Man, God.
You really challenged me yesterday. Thanks. But this is hard.

Help me to trust You.

God, You know that I just finished reading "Understanding God's Will" by Kyle Lake. And the message in chapel yesterday mirrored that exactly. Remind me. Remind me, Oh God, when I forget, that becoming like You is more important than seeing a blueprint of my life.

Then last night, Most High God, reminding me to worship You as Promise Keeper, not for the promises You give. Help me to seek You, not what you are holding in Your right hand. You matter more.

And You love more.

You love more.

Thank You. Thank You for never forgetting my birthday, for writing me an entire book of love poetry, for painting me a sunset last night and a sunrise this morning. '

Thank You for creating my eyes - help me to see the need and pain around me. Thank You for my ears - help me to listen (REALLY listen) when people speak. Thank You for my hands - help me to use them to serve You and to love others.

Challenge me, oh God. I want to yearn for You.

Sidewalk Prophets. The Words I Would Say.

Welcome Week was so much fun.
- Move-In Day, hauling girls' belongings up flights of stairs for them. "We Love 4th Floor! We Love 4th Floor! We Love 4th Floor!"
- Run-In, dressed as a ballerina. Setting a new school record: 34 minutes.
- Meeting our Tri-W group. Love them. All so much fun, so sweet.
- Book Discussions with Dr. Faught. Discussing how I've changed since freshman year, when I had him for New Testament.
- New Student Simulation. We got 2nd place. Ha. Everyone did who didn't win.
- Serve Shawnee. Awesome group painting downtown, talking about people from home, trips over the summer, and God.
- Unity Gathering. Wind blowing candles out, and people flocking to the light. So perfect.
- Ka-Rip Wars: GO KHAKI!!
- The Walk. Man. Crazy that this is my last year to watch the freshman walk, unless I am a creeper in the future. I will be taking that walk again this spring, in my cap and gown.

Senior.
Melissa J. Krauss, Senior.
I don't know how I feel about that. It's a little scary.
I feel... contemplative. My stomach is in knots, and I'm not sure why.

I will never be the same. It will never again be this moment, this time in history, this hour of this day of this month in this year. Never. I'm trying to learn to live in the moment, to embrace where I am whenever I am there, to live with no regrets, not looking back or focusing on the future, but being content where I am, when I am there. You know?

Romans 5:8.

Back at OBU, settled in my new apartment with Dani and Emily, waiting for Megan to come. It's a nice apartment, and it makes us feel mature to be cooking our own meals. Fajitas last night, then for lunch today: egg scramble deliciousness. I am finally unpacked, unsure as to how I got so many articles of clothing. It took awhile, but everything has a place.

Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (NIV)

Romans 5:6-8 "Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him." (The Message)

I mean, wow.
While I was still a sinner - not that I'm not anymore - but while I was still unaware, still naive of who God is, He sent His Son for me. He loved me more. And that's a really nice thing to realize this semester, this week, today, this hour and this minute.

See Through.

I had breakfast with two amazing girls at McDonald's today, then brunch with an amazing woman who blessed me so much.

Transparency is good. You can't have transparency without vulnerability, and being vulnerable is pretty difficult sometimes.

I am so blessed.
But my heart feels... heavy.

I feel like, when I return to OBU, things will change and will never be the same. It scares me a little. It makes me a little sad, a little reflective, like I need to hold back a little. Hold back what, I don't know: my emotions? my thoughts? my words?

Fearless.

Faith > Fear
Love > Fear

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives our fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Chris called me "fearless" the other day, and he was about as far from correct as you can get. I am fearful. I am so scared: Scared of doing God's will whole-heartedly. Scared of getting hurt. Scared of being alone. Scared of living with regrets.

I was thinking about all of this while Mom and I were at church for the 24 Hours of Prayer. I was thinking about how there is so much that people fear. And how fear, if it is not fear of the Lord, leads to death.

I've been listening to some songs lately: "Fearless" by Taylor Swift and "Fearless" by Building 429.

Taylor Swift's song addresses how a boy's love makes her fearless. And yet... human love is tainted. It's broken, selfish, incomplete. It doesn't solve anything. It leaves you wanting more, wanting things to be different.

But Building 429.

I don’t understand
No I can’t comprehend
This power that draws me to you
But I know for the cross
I’ll consider all lost
In an effort to tell of the truth

That the world may know
That the world may know
That you have been heaven sent to us
That the world may see
That the captives are free
For you have been heaven sent to us

I’ll be fearless for You
I’ll be fearless for You
Take me I’m Yours
I’ll be fearless for You

All the times that I’ve failed
When my doubt has prevailed
These are the moments I’m giving to you
Cause I can’t be ashamed
No I can’t fear the pain
When it comes time to be living proof

So the world may see
That the captives are freed
‘Cause you have been heaven sent to us

Unwilling to bend
Unwilling to break
Headstrong I’ll stand
No matter what it takes

Being fearless for God is something else all together. God's love... God's perfect love... makes you complete, whole. God's love changes things: it leads to forgiveness, reconciliation, a recognition that you are important and that you matter. God's love was sent to the cross for my brokenness, my humanity.

So, fearless. What is that? What does it mean? How can I live a fearless life? When there is so much that scares me, that intimidates me, how can I surrender all that I am and all that I have to God so that I can dance, fully free, in His love? And the thing is, it really does come down to surrender. I learned a lot this summer about pouring out my perfume (as in John 12:4). And it isn't until I begin to horde my perfume again, rather than sacrificing it in worship, that I become fearful.

And yeah, it's easier to live in fear, I think, than to live surrendered. But that's because we live in a fallen world. And while it is easier to live in that state, it isn't as... fulfilling. So, I'm going to suck it up. I'm going to continue to pour out my perfume, and I'm going to life fearless.

So Interesting.

Return to OBU in T-7 days.

He PASSED! I knew he would. Yay.

It bothers me when people go to church, and rather than participate in the prayer service, they stand in the back talking loudly. It also bothers me when people "really want to hang out while you're home!!!" then don't.

Hiking = fantastic. We went to Archangel yesterday. Wet feet. Big rocks. Empty trucks. Abandoned cabins. Many little forest critters. Reminiscing.

Maybe I stay up too late. But maybe I'm okay with that. It's just so interesting, really, how it works.

Tuesday Tribute.

My Grandma

- writes the best letters in the world.
- agrees to take fun pictures with me.
- is the most beautiful woman I have ever met.
- laughs at my jokes.
- wakes up early to make breakfast when we visit.
- likes to travel in their 5th wheel.
- tells me about meeting and dating Grandpa.
- encourages me.
- sews awesome things.
- lets me borrow her jewelry.
- makes me laugh with her observations of people.
- dresses like a rock star.
- was just as excited as me about Mood.
- tells the best stories about growing up poor.
- never pities herself, even when her arm is hurting.
- has a little annoying dog, but she loves him anyway.
- likes me even though I like dinosaurs.
- cries when we show up for a visit because we'll be leaving soon.
- took me blackberry picking when I was younger.
- put iron-on pictures on sweatsuits for me.
- is a great cook.
- measures my height on a door in their dining room.
- loves Jesus a lot.
- let me play with Barbie dolls when I visited her.
- doesn't look half her age.

This is my Tuesday Tribute to my Grandma, one of the best, fiercest, most lovable woman I have ever known. Thanks, Grandma, for being a great example.

It's been a "Twilight" soundtrack kind of day. Quite nice, really.

Jealous.

Names are important. Through a name, you learn the very substance that makes something what it is. In India, when we met our translators, we were encouraged to tell them what our names mean. "Melissa" translates to "Honey Bee" in Greek.

God is jealous for me. That's what He said: "I've been jealous for you." Last night I was praying, thinking about this, and turned to my Bible. Exodus. Exodus 34:14 says that God's very name is "Jealous."

His name is Jealous.

Jealous: inclined to or troubled by suspicions or fears of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims; solicitous or vigilant in maintaining or guarding something; Bible. intolerant of unfaithfulness or rivalry.

Not usually how I view God. And yet... He is. He IS jealous.
Jealous of my time, energy, love, passion.
Jealous to be the One that matters most to me.
Jealous to be my Everything.




Will I keep making Him jealous?

Short Arms.

While talking to Chris on Tuesday night, I learned he fractured the growth plate in his right arm when he was younger. Luckily, it healed correctly, but if it had not, he would have had one arm much shorter than the other. He asked if I would hold his short-arm hand.

Yesterday at work, we were discussing what was causing the power flickering. My hypothesis was that dinosaurs were ravaging the city of Palmer. The others did not agree. Then Rachel went with me on it, and we talked about what to do in case a dinosaur ever chased us. Should we climb a tree? Run? Play dead? Depends on the dinosaur, we decided. Then Rachel said that if it was a T-Rex, we should just stand under his feet because his little short arms would not be able to reach us.

Chris and T-Rex could be friends.

Saul Bellow.

This time in two weeks, I will be back in Oklahoma. Yuck. It isn't that I hate Oklahoma (well, actually...), I just have really enjoyed this summer and don't want it to end. Especially since I'll graduate in May and then am in "The Real World." This was my last summer to really just hang out, goof off, and be as free as a 21 year old can be.

Next summer, I'll probably be attempting to find a job, figuring out where I am going to live, etc.

But this summer...
travelling around the Asian continent
exploring New York and Alaska
mountains
new friendships emerging from old acquaintances
trying new restaurants
hiking
caring and laughing like they matter
battle wounds
compliments, both verbal and the free stuff
being epic

Rock.

I love hiking.

I love the feeling of climbing, pushing myself, exerting all my effort to do something that not many people do often, particularly where I go to school.

And I love summiting the mountain, taking in the surroundings, marveling at God's goodness and grace.

I love running down mountains, feeling the earth descend under my feet as I push the dirt away, striding down, feeling the rush of the wind.

I love talking to the Monday Night Hikers, even if it isn't a Monday night, because they are all so diverse, so exciting, so unique. I love hearing their stories, their thoughts, their arguments about gravity's effect on a bullet as it travels uphill or downhill. And I love hearing their discussions about Cha-Cha's answer to their debate.

I love yelling, "ROCK!" when a rock falls and almost (or does) hit someone. I love hiking in my Teva's, which have now been in Africa, India, Oklahoma, New York, and the top of several mountains in Alaska.

I love this summer.

I Found God.

Oh, you know. Just hanging out at home with Mom and Dad, wearing a tutu I just made, prepping for Sunday School tomorrow. I am teaching the high school class about the Holy Spirit. In high school, I remember not caring - at all - about the Holy Spirit.

Never thought about Him. Never heard Him. Never listened.

And I don't think that really - REALLY - changed until... The Rooftop in India.

It was towards the end of the trip. We had maybe two days left, and I was mad at God. He had been teaching me a lot, and had been faithful the whole time, but I felt like I had been left hanging. I took my Bible, journal, and iPod to the roof. It overlooked the whole city, and it was just before dusk began falling. And I started in on Him.

Confusion. Sadness. Rejection. Alone. Worried. Unsure. Oh, we had words.

But when He started speaking, my words seemed superfluous. He told me verses, Bible stories, giving me promises and assurances. He told me to watch the birds, reminding me how He guides them, and how He cares for me even more. He confided in me things that I previously knew not. He told me to listen to a song, and spoke to me through the lyrics.

I met the Holy Spirit on a roof in India. And it changed me.

Pouring It Out. Again.

I spent a large majority of the day so far cooking and baking.
I made homemade chocolate chip cupcakes with homemade peanut butter frosting.
I made lemon-pepper chicken to go in a salad I am making. The salad consists of lettuce, strawberries, mandarin oranges, the chicken, and perhaps walnuts and cheese. Yum.
Both the cupcakes and the salad are for potluck tonight.

I also spent a large portion of the day writing out and addressing postcards to people. About 40 postcards total. So far.

Last night, at about midnight, I was writing in my journal and got to thinking about what God taught me in India with regards to resting in His love. And why is it so hard for me to do that? Why do I have a hard time just resting in Him, allowing Him to be my everything? I thought that, after India, I would be fine in that department, since I had "poured out my perfume" so perfectly.

But I guess that's what happens. I think I have it all together, and that's where my pride trips me up. Pastor Tom always says that right after a big spiritual high is when you are most vulnerable to attacks. I guess it's true. Bummer

Emily is gone. I had SO much fun with her. Crab Hats. Taking Pictures. Kuspuk Photo Shoot. Husband Game. Lowes Challenge. Hiking and Twister on the Butte. Trying new restaurants and shopping in Palmer stores. Oh, especially the Crab Hats. So many good times in the Crab Hats.

Welp, church, then.... yup. Then tomorrow? Work, eye-appointment, attempt number 2 at summiting Lazy.

So I Drew A New Face And I Laughed.

Emily has been here for a week, and it has been epic. Love her.

I think I have a date tomorrow night. If not a date, then an almost-maybe-on-the-verge-of-being-a-date date.

I'm excited.

Breathe. Taylor Swift.

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Weekend Happies.

Ah, the weekend. Such a wonderful time of friendship, fellowship, and greatness.

I started work on Thursday and find it amusing how the two girls I work with and I don't talk at all.

But Friday. Oh, Friday.
Work, and the Friday Fling with Mom, Carol, and Ismenia. After work, Chris, Cody, Matt, and I beat the Butte, getting to the top in less than 30 minutes. Yes, I almost died. Yes, I was at the back of the pack most of the way. Yes, I drank SO much water that I had to pee twice before the night was over. Yes, I was the only girl, and yes - it was SO much fun. After the Butte (and an intense debate at the top about the effects of gravity on a bullet as it travels up and down), we drove around Palmer for a bit.
And then we "broke" into the playground at the Christian school. They have an ark. We wanted to play in it and we wanted to swing. After I lamented about needing to use a restroom, Chris kindly asked a passer-by where we could find one (he suggested the bar in town) and we walked that way, but then I just stopped at the port-a-potty. Yes, Palmer has them randomly positioned around town.
After a nice restroom break, we were standing in front of the Visitor Center, when who should show up but Liza! It was great! We talked to her for a while, and we made plans to climb Lazy on Tuesday. After she left, we took pictures with Balto, as tradition states. Then we saw... the cones.
Palmer is going through a lot of road construction right now, and orange cones are everywhere. I went and sat in the middle of a cone square, then put one on my head to take a picture. THEN we decided we all wanted to be in a picture with a cone on our head. So we set the camera timer, waited until no cars were around, and ran into the middle of the road to take some pictures. It was AMAZING. SO funny. We have plans to make orange and white shirts and direct traffic. :) We found bigger cones later, and Matt and Chris both tried to get in them (separately) and waddle across the road. It didn't work, but it was funny watching them fall over.

We hung out at the Catholic church on the lawn, with Chris trying to show off and do a flip off of Matt's hands, but never getting the courage to do it, and Cody and I watching and laughing. We played the shoe game. Ha.

Saturday was a chill Mom/Lola/Dad day.

Today I shared my testimony in church. Chris came, which was so nice of him. He ate lunch with us afterwards, and definitely carried his own in the conversation. I introduced him to people at church, and some kept asking me, "Who is that tall, handsome man you're with?"

Oh, gosh.
He's becoming a great friend.

:)

Dang.

I miss him.
A lot.

This still hurts.

Brother.

Brad is married.
I passed out in the middle of the ceremony.

I read a book on the flight home called "The Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller. It was... great. I read it quickly, and can't wait to go back through it more slowly. It was about the two lost sons (the story that is traditionally called "The Prodigal Son"). And man.... I so relate to the elder son. I've been doing a lot of self-examination lately, looking at my heart and trying to discover my motives behind my actions and "sacrifices."

Honestly, I keep seeing things I don't like, things I am not proud of, things I would hate for the world to see. But the God of the Universe - the Most High God - sees all those things. And still He is Prodigal, throwing everything off to run to me and embrace me in His love, to invite me into His feast. How long will I stubbornly refuse Him, acting as my own savior?

It was nice being with my family for the wedding - grandparents, brothers, etc. In "The Prodigal God," Keller writes about how Jesus is my brother. I've never thought of that. I've allowed Him to be my Savior, my Lord, my God, my Strength, my Love, my Hope, my Security... but never my brother.

A brother is someone who comes after you when you are in trouble, someone who encourages you to take chances and do the right thing, someone who helps you work things out with the parents when they go awry. Maybe it's because my brothers and I aren't that close, or maybe it's because of all the hurt that has been in our relationships, but I've never seen Jesus as that One. I don't really know HOW to let Him be my Brother. What does that look like in my life, having Him as a Brother? Allowing Him to fill those holes I think my earthly brothers should have filled?

Culture Shock.

I am experiencing reverse culture shock. It's really kind of annoying. I don't feel bad about being American or having all that I have. But I feel kind of like God liked me more when I was in India. I don't know why I feel that way, and I don't particularly know what to do about it.

It's harder here. Harder to read my Bible often. Harder to pray as much. Harder to be as focussed on Him. Maybe it's because my family support network has fallen, in a way. I am not with them all the time anymore.

I miss them.
Jordan and her words of wisdom.
Hannah and her singing during Nerts.
Steve and his Indian dancing.
Daniel and his never-ending iPod songs.
Kyle and his godliness and leadership ability.

I miss mango talks and mean monkeys. I miss walking everywhere and buying food from street vendors. I miss the honking and the crazy driving and the segmented sidewalks (okay, maybe not that last one). I miss being invited to people's homes, drinking tea, and talking about life and what is really important.

I think that really, I miss feeling like what I was doing mattered - REALLY MATTERED. I don't want to miss that. I don't want to feel like I am dispensable.

I am excited for August to come so I can be "home" with my family. Not just Jordan, Hannah, Steve, Daniel, and Kyle. But Addi. Oh, how I miss my OCBF and her love. And Dani and her silliness. And Kim and her shared love for all things Disney. And the others. Sarah. Roy. Emily. And Mission Center lovelies.

It will be sad not to see my graduate friends, like Julie and Jessica and Kelly and Emily.

But that's life. You grow up, you move on to greater things. Sad.

Challenges.

I am almost (but not quite) home. I have been in two countries and 3 states in the last 30 hours or so. Soon, I can make that 4 states.

I did something that was very difficult yesterday. I hurt someone very deeply, and for that I am sorry. But I know that God has a plan, and I will follow it.

Already I miss The Family. Playing Nerts and New Solitaire. Hannah's random ramblings. Bursting into song. Toilet Talks. Momos and Samosas and CHAI!!! Rickshaw rides. Honking. Noise. Business.

America is too clean, too orderly, and too fat.

Last Day Of So Much.

Tomorrow is our last day in India.

My heart is crying, but not about saying goodbye to this place. It's crying about saying goodbye to people, to histories, to stories, to memories, to possibilities.

I am seeking God more and more as I try to decipher His will and His words. Man, it's hard.

Debriefing was this morning. Shopping this afternoon. I still have not found a kurta. Perhaps I won't.

Home. Home. Home.

Maybe if I click my heels together three times, I will be there, with all of this behind me. All of THIS. This hurt and this pain and this sorry-ness. But it probably won't happen. That's the thing with life. You have to LIVE it. You can't just sit by and hope something happens to you. It might, but sometimes you have to do it. Sometimes you have to get up, and take that first step into the unknown, knowing that the Lord will take your hand and lead you down the twisty, dark, scary path.

I'm about to take my first step. I'm holding out my hand, knowing in my head that God will take it, but not really knowing in my heart that He will.

Sometimes you just need a good cry.
Like right now.

India In A Nut Shell.

In Asia.

God is teaching me so much, and testing me just as much:
Am I willing to pour out my perfume, as Mary did in John 12:3?
Am I willing to let Him be my hiding place, as in Psalm 32:7?
Am I willing to give up my wishes and desires, knowing that His are so much greater?

We rode elephants, were charged by rhinos, and scared away monkeys.
Too often, I feel like an animal in a zoo because of all the staring.
Rarely do people speak English.
I never want to wear a salwar again :)

I love the team.

Le DASH a
random singing
Hannah being funny
sharing twin beds
Steve's morning chai
mango talks at night

This morning we went to a Hindi Catholic service.

I miss home. About two more weeks, then I'm there.

My Day.

7:23am - wake up
8:00am - go to breakfast at Denny's with Jessica.

Oh, how I shall miss her. We had a wonderful conversation over a delightful breakfast.

9:20am - check out Megan
9:40am - check out Beth
10:00am - FAIL A MATH TEST.

For real, I'm pretty sure (but not 100% positive) that I failed it, since I didn't even understand half the questions. The ones I did understand, I guessed on. There's only one question (literally) that I think I got right. The rest? Not so much.

11:00am - call Shaun sobbing about math test, proclaiming that I am dumb and should never be a teacher.
12:00pm - lunch with Dani
1:00pm - Sno-Cone date with my CML buddy!

Why, oh why, do I become good friends with those who are older than me????? Helena, Amandas, Jessica, CML Buddy.... why?

2:00pm - go to storage unit, bank, and tanning with Monica
4:00pm - check out Keah
5:00pm - start getting ready for my birthday date!!
6:23pm - leave for birthday date!

With my cute dress on, hair curled, and longboard in hand.