Today.

They offered me the job, Stone Bridge Academy. I could start working there next fall. It's December 8th and I could have the next few years already planned. $30,000 a year. Benefits. Opening year at a school. I want to say yes so badly that it hurts.

But something - Someone - is holding me back. When I got the call today, I almost cried.

God, I thought we had talked about this: They were supposed to say "no" so that my decision was made for me. I was going to take it as a sign. But then I got the job. Now what? I don't think You play games - I really don't - but what are You doing?

Driving back from Tulsa today, I started praying a lot, pouring out my desires and thoughts to God, holding nothing back, and honestly: tearing into Him. I was being very selfish. Jeremy Camp's song "Walk By Faith" popped into my head, so I tuned into it with my iPod. But it angered me. I don't want to walk by faith right now. I want to walk by Melissa's sight. Then, I listened to his song "Open Up Your Eyes" and the chorus struck me, a slap in the face:

And the time has come to realize
And see the plan you've been designed for
So face the fear of all unknown
And see the heart inside
So open up your eyes
So open up your eyes

There is so much unknown. Conference isn't until the end of February, and I may not find a job there that stands out to me. Rejecting the job at SBA means completely leaping out on faith. There's no ledge around the window, just the hope of a safety net there below. That scares me. It's hard for me to tell one awesome opportunity "NO!" when the possibility of finding a great job at Conference is not guaranteed. Because then what?! I gave up one thing for...nothing.

I keep telling You I trust You. But those appear to be empty words, smoke blowing into the atmosphere, there and then gone. Meanwhile, I am here, waiting, hoping, seeking. Will You come through for me?