My Thoughts About God Tonight.

I drove down my road with my lights off tonight, at 11:30 pm. I drove by the light of the setting sun. And it was nice. Almost like time stood still and I didn't have to worry about saying good-bye to people. It's like I was covert, and it was just the clouds above, the pavement below, and the mountains in front showing my way. And though it only lasted about a minute, it was really peaceful.

But then it was back to the non-peaceful stuff.

Such as, I'm totally sitting here crying right now, dreading saying good-bye to Ms. Mindy. That will be my hardest good-bye. Besides, like, Hannah. But Ms. Mindy...I cried a majority of the way home from her house tonight, too. She's my "mentor" but I don't think she really knows that. She's such a godly lady for me to look up to. And I admire her a lot. More than I can explain, more than she can comprehend.

And I'm talking to Ashley now, which is good.

I think - I know - I just need prayer. Someone to just get on their knees and lift me up. And I may never know if someone is doing that, but I need it right now. Right now, at 11:47 pm, Alaska time, on August 4, 2006. And that's what I'm asking God for, is to put me on the heart of someone who will pray for me, because I don't know how to pray for myself right now.

And already, I have more peace. Because whether or not someone is praying for me right now, here on earth, the Bible says that Jesus is interceding on my behalf to God.

God's the lead character. And the author. I've never thought about my life like that, as a giant movie staring and written by God. You know, I'm spending all this time "Oh, I'm going to miss so and so" and I will, but I'm forgetting that my life is not about me being with people I love. My life isn't about me never saying goodbye to people. When I became a Christian, whether it was when I was five, or a few years ago when I rededicated myself at MYPD, I died. And Christ came to live in me. So, who am I living for now? A majority of the time, myself. And that's just dumb. Like Ashley said, it's a trust thing, a faith thing. And I need to look at where my trust and faith lie: In myself, or in God. And that's a question only I can answer.

But I'm afraid I might not like the answer.


Thank goodness sin is the easiest cured problem ever. Jesus has the solution, the remedy to it, and thank goodness I know Him. I would be so lost and confused (even more than I am now) if He wasn't in my life. So I thank and praise God for that - for Who He Is, and what He does. And for everything that so often goes unnoticed, like how big the space bar is on a keyboard so that you rarely miss it.

Then pride gets in the way, and I fight and fight giving in to God until I am just exhausted mentally and physically and emotionally and spiritually, and I realize that God is still there, and while He wanted me to come to Him sooner, He's just glad I'm there now. And then you see that nothing - nothing - is better than Him.
And so you dwell on that for a while, till another problem comes, and more pride. But still, God just loves. Unconditionally. With no end anywhere near by at all. He's just LOVE, a love that never runs out. And He just waits for us to get the message that He still cares - beyond our mistakes and screw ups, and bad days. He still loves me. And I can't really comprehend that, but it's pretty awesome. We're such aldutresses, like Pastor Tom said on Wednesday. But God just says, "Hey, I know you messed up, but just try again. One more time. It'll be okay, because I've got your back." And it's amazing.