I Found Myself.

So the other day I got an e-mail from a really good friend.
And she said something that made me stop in my tracks and think.
She said, "You read Captivating, right? A woman seeks to be desired, but she needs to let that be fulfilled by God before she can let a man take that place in her life. Ohterwise you'll end up running in circles."

And wow.

I have read Captivating. And I remember being blown away by that part. But then I guess I forgot, because I started letting a man take that place, rather than God. And because of that, I doubted my relationship with him a lot... I got jealous very easily and... it just wasn't good.

So God and I spent a lot of time talking about it this weekend.

And last night, I was like, "God, just show me how You see me. Show me who I am in Your eyes."

So I started flipping through my Bible, and I got to Song of Songs.

It says, "You're so beautiful, my darling, so beautiful, and your dove eyes are veiled by your hair as it flows and shimmers... your smile is generous and full... you're beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless... you've captured my heart, dear friend. You looked at me and I fell in love. One look my way and I was hopelessly in love!... Your beauty is too much for me - I'm in over my head... There's no one like her on earth, never has been, never will be. She's a woman beyond compare. My dove is perfection... Your beauty, within and without, is absolute... I found you under the apricot tree, and woke you to love..."

And oh my gosh.

I started to cry and laugh at the same time, so full of joy that God had answered my prayer just like THAT. I read almost the whole book, substituting my name in, just soaking in the love He has for me that I had been neglecting for so long.

I thought about how He did find me under the tree. When I was broken, kneeling at His tree - His son's cross - that's when we found eachother.

But then, Satan, being Satan, came in. And he was all, "Melissa... God meant that for every girl but you. You don't deserve His love, His promises... nothing. You're worthless."

Then God, being God, stepped up. And He said, "Melissa... I do love you. These words ARE for you. Choose Me. Choose to believe. Choose Me. Please."

Then I started praying out loud, saying, "Right now, I choose to believe. I choose to believe God's promises of finding me under the tree... His promise that He is hopelessly in love with me... His promise that He is enthralled and captivated by me. I choose to believe. I choose to believe."

And I told Satan to go away and leave me alone. And he has.


So I found myself again last night, right where I should have been the whole time... right in the middle of God's love. And that's where I want to stay. That's where I need to stay.

Only He can fill the holes... the holes of longing... only He can.

And right now, I only want Him to.