Last Week.

From 8-1-2010
Well, THAT was unexpected.

I have delayed writing this post for a long time. But the time has come.

I am not moving to South Asia.

Phew. Glad that’s out.

The last week has been so difficult. I faced things I had never before encountered: Anxiety attacks that left me hyperventilating, tingling, and writhing on my bed. Being out of touch with God’s voice to the extent that I didn’t even know where He existed at that moment. Extreme panic and fear that I was not following His plan for my life. Total, complete lack of peace.

My purposes behind moving overseas were based on others’ perceptions of what I should do, not on a calling from the Most High God. I was doing it for others, and myself not for Him. This is not my time.

When that realization hit, with the help of two professional counselors, it became as clear as air that I was not to remain in VA and continue on to South Asia. That realization brought so much relief from everything I had been experiencing. The anxiety attacks ended. The peace of mind returned.

So, what’s next?

I am returning to Alaska where I will get a job and pursue a life He has given me there.

I had this mindset that since God has a heart for the nations, everyone should be a missionary all the time… and I was right. But that act of being a missionary does NOT have to take place in Asia, Europe, or South America. I am still a missionary, even if I am not moving overseas. That calling on my life is not irrevocable. I am still God’s chosen one to bring His Good News to others. I am still precious in His sight.

I also had a mindset that God calls me to pour out everything I have, that if I do not sacrifice everything, regardless of how good it is for me, I will not be following Him… and I was wrong. The thing is, God loves me. He pursues me. He gives me blessings and He expects and desires for me to use them… especially if those blessings make me more like Him. Why would I neglect pouring into those blessings when I could instead foster them?

I had the mindset that though God is in control, I still need to do something about it… and I was wrong about that one also. God has shown me that worrying about anything is ridiculous, especially when I can do nothing to affect whatever it is. For example, I was worried about what to say or do at the Mapping Ceremony… until God reminded me that at that point in time, I could do nothing to impact what would happen except pray. So pray I did. In addition to having more peace, I became more aware of the times when I could act to affect change on that situation. My actions were thus more concise and effective.

I realized the last few days just how powerful God’s word is. Every need I have is met in His word:

Psalm 94:18-19 “When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ Your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul.”

Psalm 119:50 “My comfort in suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.”

Philippians 2:25 “But I think it is necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, fellow worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs.”

So, that’s it. Home. My heart is peaceful and happy.

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From 8-3-2010
It was easy, deciding to go home. The choice to follow God is an easy decision. My answer is “yes.” I just have to wait for His question. I did not anticipate developing such relationships that I have in the last few days, with people who are called to serve overseas right now. I am proud of them, proud that they know His leading, proud that they can go. I am proud to call them friends.

Saying goodbye was difficult, especially to such joyous, kind, obedient people. Going home to a different culture will be hard. Living there for an extended period of time will be hard. However, already God is testing my dependence on Him.

I’m on the plane now, from Richmond to Atlanta. The flight was about 40 minutes late leaving… completely annihilating any layover I may have. Literally. My next flight will leave around roughly the same time that this flight touches down. But right now, I am on the plane, unable to do anything about it. I can’t tell the pilots to “Step on it!” I can’t get out and push the plane myself, pulling an epic Superman move. All I can do is sit, wait, and be here. Phew.

It’s partially a load off my mind… and partially really excruciatingly difficult to “let go and let God.” But, if nothing else, I’ve learned that God does actually control it all. He actually DOES have me, Melissa J. Krauss, in the palm of His hand. He actually IS holding this plane in the air. He actually DOES have a reason behind me going home. I can’t see it right now. I can’t really feel it right now – apart from that calm, abiding peace – but I will trust Him.

My parents and Chris are picking me up at the airport tonight. I put them through a LOT the last week and as things improved, I felt pretty guilty for being so self-centered. Yes, things were difficult for me, but I failed to see how it would impact them as well. I think they felt a little lost also, unsure how to help from so far away. But they did. I pray they can see that.