Brokenness.

I got to talk to a really dear friend this weekend. The Lord has used her mightily in my life, encouraging me to Christlikeness. And I pray I do the same for her. We discussed life plans – her next year overseas, everything that’s changed for me lately, etc. She’s had a rough time there lately; life is changing and relationships are changing and fatigue is setting in. And life has been hard for me, too; I’ve had three four jobs in the last year and a half, relationships are changing, and there’s a lot of uncertainty.

But tonight, my Pastor spent time preaching about Jesus’ hands. He has reaching, healing hands. But at one point, I turned to Luke 9:16-17, which says, “And taking the five loaves and the two fish, [Jesus] looked up to heaven and said a blessing over them. Then He broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples to set before the crowd. And they all ate and where satisfied. And what was left over was picked up, twelve baskets of broken pieces.”

This is the question that was posed: How many things am I reluctant to put in God’s hands, for fear He’ll break them? Relationships? The desires of my heart? My sweet GAs? My job situation? My finances? My time and energy?

In the verses above, Jesus took pieces of whole bread, which seemed to be good and useful for eating. But He broke them, blessed them, and multiplied them. The bread was broken for Good, for the Good of those who were present that day.

The thing is, sometimes God has to break my spirit so that I yield to His. But everything He seemingly breaks, He always blesses and multiplies.

I had a relationship break a few months ago. I take that back – it was broken long before; a few months ago, it was severed. My spirit was broken…crushed. But God blessed my brokenness: The Spirit interceded when my words failed; Christ began my Husband, and I His bride; and God covered me with His wings, comforting me as a weaned child with his mother. And after blessing, oh how the Lord multiplied! My joy multiplied, as my did the time I could spend with Him, the love I had for my GAs, and my ability to dance freely in the song He sings over me. My spirit broke, but I chose to yield to His – and through that, I was blessed and multiplied.

So it’s okay to feel broken. It’s okay to not know what’s happening next, how that relationship will turn out, or what it means to rest. That’s okay. In fact, it’s in those moments that God takes our Brokenness, blesses it, and multiplies it into something better than what we had before. We are blessed through that process, and so are others – more than we can count.

Three Messages Left On My Phone Today From A First Grader.

“Hello, uh, teacher, I just wanted to say about, uh the lock-in, um, do we have to bring medicine because I don’t have to bring medicine and I just wanted to talk to you about the lock-in, but you can call me back. Ye-Yeah, Yeah see, I can, can you, you can call me back when I’m, because see my, my sisters are going to like gymnastics and we like doing that, we have, they’re just going to gymnastics and then I’m going to stay here and you can just call me when you get back from school like the, I mean, like, work, um, yeah I mean you can call me back about the lock in I just wanted to talk to you about the lock in because, because its like, um, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t know when, I don’t know when it is so uh you can like call me back, it’s ---------------- ------------ so just as you know and I don’t know where the lock, when the lock in is, so you can like call me back if you can and I don’t know what my phone number is but um I hope you know and… I don’t, I just don’t know when the lock in is and the uh, somebody and uh someone scribbled on the paper and I can’t see what, what numbers I have and, but the only thing I can see is my words and your, your phone number so I called you and said, um, you know, I wanted to see how the lock-in was and I wanted to, I just wanted to see when the lock-in is going to start and the derby race because this is my first time – this is the first time I’ve had a derby race and I don’t know how to make them and I was hoping you could help me if you want because this is my first time I’ve had a derby race and you can help some other people if it’s their first derby race, you know. I just wanted to see how the lock-in is going to go first because maybe I’m not going to be there because maybe it’s going to be on Saturday or Sunday or Monday or Tuesday because I have to go to school on Tuesday and I have to go to gymnastics on Tuesday but I can cancel that. So, just call me back if the lock-in is um, this week, or next week, or February, January, whatever. Just call me so I know and I’ll tell my mom about it and because I’m…”

“I’m so so, I’m so sorry, Ms. Melissa, my phone isn’t really working really right and I just wanted to talk to you. I am so sorry about this. I’m like my phone is not working and something happened to it, the phone, um (crying in background) I’m sorry, I can’t get to the phone right now….”

“I am SO SORRY, Ms. Melissa! This phone is not working and I tried two of your numbers and now I, and so now my sister knocked over the thing but we’re not gonna do that right now. I’m so sorry. I just wanted to tell you, when is the lock-in? You can call me back at 6:00pm or 7:00pm or… whenever, but you can leave me a message if you can cuz I’m, I’m going to be here and my sisters are going to, to not be here. And so. I’m so sorry, Ms. Melissa. (Small child talking in the background, asking for gum: “------------- can I have a piece of gum, please?”)… Nope. And um, I am so sorry. I just want to tell you, when is the lock-in and the derby race cuz this is my first time and my derby race, I just told you that, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I just disturbed you cuz there’ s going to be three messages since I’m so sorry. I would have called you for the first time. Call me at 6:00pm if you’re home by then…”




Note: The post below is my Mom's response to these (totally real, absolutely transcribed straight from the answering machine) messages. Please read it. You'll love it.

From My Mom's Heart.

My daughter is the new leader of the missions program for 1st - 6th graders at our Church this year. Last night she handed all the girls a paper with information regarding their first lock-in of the year (and derby race), with information as to when, where, what, etc. This afternoon a message was left on our answering machine from one of the first graders. The message was actually composed of three messages as she ran out of time on each one. She was so concerned because this was her first lock-in ever. She asked for the “date of the lock-in…was it this week or next…on Saturday or Sunday or Monday or Tuesday….because she had gymnastics and might not make it or might have to cancel her class that night so she could go to the lock-in. Does she have to bring medicine? ‘Cause I don’t have to take medicine, so do I have to bring it? So teacher can you call me back because my sisters are going to gymnastics and I‘m going to stay here. I just wanted to talk to you about the lock-in because I don’t know when it is. So call me back…this is ------ and I don’t know what my phone number is, I hope you know. I just don’t know when the lock-in is because someone spilled something on my paper. And this is my first lock-in and my first derby race. (on the last of three messages she said)…I am so sorry…this phone is just not working…I‘ve tried two of your numbers and this phone is just not working….I‘m just so sorry. I just wanted to know just when is the lock-in? You can call me back at 6pm or 7pm or whenever.“ As she went down her list of concerns and questions we laughed and laughed…she was just so precious and concerned that she was going to miss something.

As I thought about her phone call later, I wondered how often we do this with God. Do we ask repetitive questions that we already have the answer to? Do we say how sorry we are to bother Him and then tell him when He can call us back to answer our questions? When He listens to us does He sometimes chuckle because we have such silly questions, or is He like my daughter who has such a heart for these girls, that a phone call like this just blesses her heart? This little girl had most of the answers she needed written down in front of her, but she just had to call and ask on her own. She wasn’t afraid or intimidated….because of the relationship already established, she knew she could ask anything and my daughter would answer her questions as if they were the most important questions ever asked.

Is my relationship so cemented with God that I can do that? Can I ask Him questions….even though most answers are already written down in His Word…..without any hesitancy or concern of what He will think? Am I confident enough in my relationship with Him that even if He does chuckle, I know that He loves me and will answer each and every question I ask? Can I ask for clarification because I am so afraid of this new experience in my life that I really need help? If I don’t know my own phone number or how things are going to work do I turn to Him for help and know that He will help me through it with love and patience? Do I remember that HE IS GOD…THE GREAT I AM with His own time schedule? Or do I demand His response at a certain date and time? When I don’t hear from him on that date and time do I think He’s forgotten?

Oh, Lord, help me always to be comfortable coming to You with ALL of my concerns and questions and fears. Help me to remember how very much You love me and care for me….enough that You sent Jesus just for me. Help me to remember that Your plans are perfect and just and that Your timing is perfect. Help me to read and study Your Word every day so I know the plans You have for Me.

The More...

The more time I spend with the Lord, the more time I want to spend with Him.

The more I know the Lord, the more there is to discover.

The more I seek Him, the more I want to find Him.

I think this is how it's supposed to work.

12 Things In 2012.

12 Things To Do In 2012:
- Read through the Bible
- Pray for every country in the world
- Give sacrificially to the Lord and His work
- Try something new every month
- Wear clothes that make me feel beautiful
- Find my passion and pursue it
- Be a better sister and daughter
- Don’t be afraid to do things by myself
- Apply to Grad School (or at least pick one or two to which I want to apply)
- Retreat with the Lord
- Once again it’s on my list: 6-pack abs
- Vacation. AKA, use that ticket I have.

12 Things NOT To Do In 2012:
- Waste pointless hours on Facebook
- Compare myself to others, especially with regards to looks, relationships, or the direction in which their lives are going
- Cry over a boy
- Obsess over Krochet Kids
- Live vicariously through someone else
- Live in tomorrow or next year
- Withhold forgiveness
- Act impatiently toward my GAs, coworkers, or family
- Complain about something when I can just change it
- Refuse sleep or naps when they are available
- Watch pointless TV shows
- Settle