Finding My Place.

I couldn’t go to church on Sunday, so I listened to a podcast by James McDonald about Finding My Place. He said that three things really define our “places” in life – our name, location or relationships, and our jobs.

So who am I? What are my names?
1. Melissa. Melissa is Greek for “Honey Bee” which I think fits me well. I am mostly sweet, prone to being ADD, and can have a sharp tongue sometimes.
2. My middle name is Joy. I like that. My joy is in the Lord. A lot has changed in my life recently – and for a couple of weeks, my joy was on the verge of being MIA. But when my perspective is right, I know right where my joy is: in the Lord. In who He is, in my relationship with Him, in His word, in walking through life, hand in hand with Him.
3. My last name is Krauss. It is German for “Curly.” As in curly hair. I do have curly hair. But more than that, my last name has become synonymous with the Army and Cowboys and the School District, with hard work, intelligence – both in books and problem solving, and with a general desire to serve.

So who am I? What are my titles?
1. Ms Melissa. My GAs call me this. Some of them do, at least. It kind of makes me feel old, but then I realize that I am about 10 or 15 years older than most of my girls, and it’s okay if they call me Ms Melissa. It is special.
2. Sissy. Jeffy is the only one who calls me this regularly, but some variations include Sis, Sister, and Missy. It indicates my relation to those who are family. I am the youngest, the only daughter.
3. Project Administrator. When I tell people this is part one of my job title, they give me a blank look and say, “So what does that mean?” Usually I tell them that I plan meetings and send a lot of e-mails. But it’s more than that. I “yell” at people when they don’t do their homework. I am the face of this implementation. I balance three or four calendars.
4. Change Management Coordinator. This is part two of my job title. This is the fun part. This is the part where I walk around the Admin building and say hi to people (I usually end up in the IT department, talking to my Bro or Lunch Club). I update Twitter and our websites and created the Gold Star. This is the side where I can be creative and have fun.

So where am I? Where do I physically do life?
1. Halfway between Palmer and Wasilla. That’s where I live. Really, they blend together so well that it’s like one big city. Wasmer. Or Palilla. Hahahaha.
2. Palmer. I work in the School District Admin Building, a converted elementary school. I have one of 10 windows in the whole building by my desk, which is quite nice. My desk is large, located in the Business Services department, and unless you asked Darjon, you wouldn’t know where I was. Though now, other people know too. Word gets around.
3. Wasilla. Church is in Wasilla. Sunday School, Big Church, GAs, etc.

So where am I? With whom do I do life?
1. My parents. I’m their “roommate,” so to speak, except I don’t pay rent or buy food. Or pay utilities. So I guess I’m their daughter who moved home after graduating from college and deciding to NOT move to India. They challenge me and pray for me and speak Truth to me and let me watch Project Runway on their big TV.
2. Ms Linda, Janelle, Jackie, and other women from church. They have taught me so much about life, and following the Lord, and being a woman after His heart. They continually challenge me to grow and love Him more. I see so much of God in their lives.
3. My girls. Twenty of them, first through sixth grade. These girls light up my life! Their enthusiasm and prayer requests and stories and everything just brings me such joy! I’m usually tired by 7:00pm on Wednesdays, but these girls don’t let a week go by without blessing me, and I pray that I bless them, too. Dates with them start next month! I can’t wait.
4. Work people. Ken, Terrie, Charity, Nancy, Darjon, Justin, IT, Cindy, Jade. Oh man, Jade sent me the funniest picture. At work, my mom was teasing me about my braces, since I was talking with a lisp. Jade found a picture of Sid the Sloth from Ice Age, being followed by three dinosaurs. She asked, “Are the IT guys the dinosaurs?!” It was really funny, but I told her she’d have to ask the IT guys.
5. Heather, Kristina, Han, Jade, Sydni, Rhonda. Coffee or lunch or planking or talking or whatever the case may be, these are my go-to-girls.

So who am? What do I do?
1. Craft. Mostly crocheting, but I’m branching into other things, mostly thanks to Pinterest. I’ve begun sewing more and have a quilt in the works. There’s a chair waiting to be reupholstered. There are some tiles that will soon be coasters. Mostly there’s that tub of yarn though.
2. Teach. Mostly my Girls in Action, but sometimes Sunday School, too. And sometimes a Change Management session or two. I love teaching. I love the preparation and creativity and the acting and artistry of it. But I don’t know if I want to actually have my own classroom anymore. I don’t know. The Lord will guide, but what is the desire of my heart in this? Still searching.
3. Missions. I do missions. In Alaska, and the USA, and the world. Africa. My heart has been Africa since high school. I don’t know why. But my heart has always been Africa. Obsessed? Probably. The Lord is so Good, why NOT tell others about Him?!
4. That MSBSD Job. I really do enjoy it: creating cool forms with Adobe, running meetings, professional wardrobe, etc. People are always surprised when I tell them I like what I do. But I do! I like what I do! Well, only when I’m not bored. Because when I’m bored, I turn to Krochet Kids or something else that would likely get me fired.

Who are you?

Late Night.

I can’t sleep. Isn’t that usually how it is? It’s past midnight, I’m recovering from a surgery, and I can’t fall asleep. I hate that.

I had to ask forgiveness tonight, for losing my identity in Christ. For letting life overwhelm. For not keeping my focus.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about friends especially. How they come and go and change and you hold on and hold on and hold on but it really isn’t the same and you still can’t bring yourself to let go. Then they get engaged and start planning weddings or have babies or just get busy, and you’re like, “Wait, what? Where did they go?” But neither of you really slow your pace to reconnect. It’s sad. Interesting. I like when that moment comes, that moment that forces your hand practically, and says, “Hey! You don’t have a choice! You need this person more than you know. Get off your high horse and deal with the hurt and the pain that’s ensued lately. You have HISTORY together.” You know?

It’s almost 1:00apm now. I’ve been listening to iTunes, to a playlist I made for a friend.
Hey, Soul Sister: I was glancing through one of my old journals (number 17 to be specific) and it mentioned the first time I met you. Funny how, even in the beginning, we knew a special-connection friend when we saw/met one. And sure enough: that’s what you are. I like that. It’s like, we formed that special-connection friendship and no matter how LONG that friendship has been established, I know you are there for me in heart and soul, even if not physically. Like the song, “Pray for You” by Roads to Rome. You make me think of that song.

I’ve seen lately that to have a good friend, one has to be a good friend. I don’t think I’ve been a good friend to some of my people lately, and for that I am sorry. How can I remedy this? I guess it starts with an “I’m sorry for…”

Braces.

Metal Mouth.
Railroad Tracks.
Or, as Taig says, A Mouth Full Of Butterflies.

Monday, November 28, 2011.

I spent the first part of my evening with the book “Pride and Prejudice” and a tall Starbucks chai. It was nice: a great read, delicious drink, just enjoying being 23.

I spent the second part of my night with a family: a mom, dad, and five daughters, all under the age of seven. We ate dinner and dessert and drank coffee and told stories and talked about serving the Lord in Africa – their desire and my own. I shared my dream for my love life with the wife, a lady I respect a great deal. I left with a full heart, full belly, and a vase full of yellow roses, my early get-well-soon present for Wednesday’s surgery.

God is so faithful. When the desires of my heart are in line with His will and His character, He lovingly and willingly grants them. My confidence, my hope and my joy and my faith, is not based on God’s actions, but on His character. Who He is.

I’ve struggled the last few days with that relationship that ended a couple of months ago. I’ve struggled with things that happened in the relationship, things that have happened since, what the end of it means for my future. I get braces put on tomorrow (Tuesday) and part of me thinks that if I have braces, I’ll never get married! Like I ruined my chance with him (and any boy!) when I had it.

But I know those are not words of Truth. It is Good that that relationship ended. Good for both of us, really, though maybe for different reasons. I do not change because of braces. I am still me – Melissa, age 23, Project Administrator/Change Management Coordinator. Because of all the recent struggles, however, I have developed (or there has developed within me) a new desire for my love life.

I really – REALLY – want to be in love with the Lord. I want to be so wrapped up in His love, in His pursuit of me (and my pursuit of Him), and in what He is accomplishing in my life… I want to be so caught up in our Royal wedding dance that I don’t even notice a boy until He has sought the Lord and requested from Him the privilege of cutting in on my dance with God. And only when that man steps in, takes my hand, and leads me in the dance will I acknowledge him in my heart. I want to know that the Lord has placed me in this man’s hands – that I have been turned over to him, so to speak, and that YWHW is looking on with pleasure and delight, just tickled pink that He can dance with both of us from that day forward.

I want to do what God has for me to do, with boldness and enthusiasm and all the fruit the Spirit of God can muster. I want to serve willingly and passionately: in GAs, at work, in my family and among my friends. And I think that it is while I am doing that – while I am pursuing God and His will in my life – that I will find The One With Whom I Am To Spend The Rest Of My Life. Not before.

That’s my heart right now. That’s where I’m at. Let’s do this.

Thanksgiving.

Happy, happy Thanksgiving!

I'm thankful for my family at large. Last year, I was in Oregon for Thanksgiving with my grandparents. That was so delightful. Grandma and I baked and made candy and since my half birthday occurred while I was there, we had a half birthday cake. It was my first ever Thanksgiving with my Grandparents.

I'm thankful for how the Lord captivates my heart. I'm listening to "Captivated" by Shawn McDonald right now.

I'm thankful for the job I have, for the friends I have made at work, for having a Bro and for being able to walk through IT and say hi to everyone in that department a few times a day. I'm thankful that I got to eat lunch with them. I am thankful for the insurance I have because next week I am: 1. Getting an eye exam done. 2. Getting braces put on. 3. Having oral surgery.

I'm thankful for my GAs and Church Family. I have TWENTY GAs - Twenty first through sixth graders that I get to hang out with and love on every week. I praise God for them, for the influence I can have in their lives. It is scary and intimidating sometimes - but I love them.

I'm thankful for the last couple weeks of house-sitting, for dogs that sleep with me (and eat my face off when they're hungry in the morning). I'm thankful for the warm, comfy bed I'm sitting in now as I listen to K-Love Radio. I'm thankful that in a few minutes, I will get ready and go home to help make fudge before joining friends for Thanksgiving Dinner.

Prase God - He alone deserves it.

Red Sea.

I taught Sunday School this morning about when the Israelites left Egypt, were lead back and forth by God through the dessert, were pursued by the Egyptians, and were finally cornered by the Red Sea. Cornered, between the people who wanted them dead or in captivity, and a body of water too deep to walk across, to wide to swim.

But as I was preparing for the lesson, I was so struck by the fact that God only leads where He wants me to be.

And sometimes, when I feel like I am cornered in life, it is only because He wants to do something great, like part a sea for me.

OneRepublic: "Good Life."