That's The Way It Goes.

Okay, so what has been going on?

Well, Wednesday night, after AWANAS, Shaun and I were hanging out. He was working on editing some bird pictures on my laptop, and we were just talking, and eventually, the topic came up of whether or not he and his ex had kissed. And they did.

Which, okay, I figured they had, since they dated for like 3 years.

But when he told me, I started crying. I don't think he knew that, though, since my head was down and my hair was covering my face. But I don't know. It hurt to think that he's kissed another girl. Not that we've kissed...because we haven't. But it's weird to think that if we DID kiss, his lips would have been on someone else's.

I know that when he kissed her he didn't even know I existed. I know that he didn't think he would break up with her. I know all of that.

But it still hurt.

So then after we prayed, I went inside, and went to Addi's room, and just stood at her door sobbing. And I ended up sleeping in her room on her extra bed.

All day yesterday, I thought about it, and okay, yes, I overreacted. I can chalk part of it up to PMSing, but not all of it. I was genuinely upset. I didn't talk to Shaun all day, and wasn't sure what to say to him when I did talk to him. He didn't come to lunch or dinner, and wasn't on-line all day.

THen he finally called me about going to Lifestream.

So we get in the car, and it is SOOO awkward. You have no idea. We said maybe 10 sentences to eachother the whole 45 minute carride. It was bad.

We talked on the way back a little, but I could tell something else was on his mind...and he finally told me. Apparently he spent all day worrying that I was going to break up with him because of it. So he was stressing out about that, and I was sad about he and the ex.

We got back to campus, and were sitting in his car, and I asked what else was on his mind:

S: "What are we going to do in 3 or 4 years?"
M: "What do you mean?"
S: "Well, we graduate, then what? You go off to Africa, and I stay here?"
M: "You can come with me."
S: "What if I'm not supposed to?"
M: "Then I guess we go our own ways."
S: "I just don't want to waste your time."
M: "So....?"
S: "Should we still be dating?"
M: "I don't know."
S: "I just don't want to waste your time, but I don't want to keep you from doing something God has told you to do, or make you do something God doesn't want you to do. What if you go to Africa forever, and He doesn't call me to go there?"
M: "I don't know if God wants me in Africa forever. Maybe it'll be just a month-long trip, and I'll accomplish what He wanted me to, and I'll come back."
S: "But what if it's for forever?"
M: "Then I don't know."
S: "Do you think we should still be dating?"
M: "I think we need to pray."

So I lead us in a prayer.

S: "What do you think God is telling you?"
M: "I don't know."
S: "Promise?"
M: "Yes. What is God tellig you?"
S: "That we need to still be dating. He made it obvious I was supposed to start dating you, so I guess I'll keep you for a little while longer."
M: "Oh, like another day?"
S: "No, just for now."
M: "Oh, so another minute, then I'm gone?"
S: "No. Nothing made me sadder than thinking that I might have to end this relationship."

So that's what's been going down. I think we're okay now, but this was our first big "issue" if you will. It sucked. I hated not seeing him throughout the day on Thursday. HATED it.

So, I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know. I've given this relationship up to God who knows how many times, but I just have to keep doing it, because I keep taking it back again. I just have to trust God, to believe that He is in control, to have faith that He knows what He is doing.

Shaun also said that he figured God would clue him in to his future in the next few years. If he doesn't have a heart for Africa or missions, he's not the one for me. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

It makes me sad to think that.

I love him.