Me.

I've been thinking lately about what I've learned this summer.

And it's been a conglomeration of stuff.
I've learned a lot about who the Holy Spirit is by teaching a bunch of 5th and 6th grade boys. The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of truth. She is like our liver - we can't just taker Her out one day and put Her back in the next. She is always with us. She is our counselor, our guide, that small voice that whispers when the rest of the world shouts and jostles for our attention.

I learned a lot about love from a little girl I may never see again. The transformation in her only occurred through the love that Christ poured out through me. I am so honored to be part of that miracle, and in no way claim responsibility for it. It was all God. I was just a vessel put in the right place at the right time.

I learned so much about contentment through a 99 cent inflatable beach ball. It rolled in the dirt, and before Sofanee and I played with it, he picked it up and brushed it off on his shirt. Who does that? I know who - a little boy who was so blessed by that beach ball that he wanted to play soccer with it every time he saw me.

I learned about joy through the eyes of the little kids I saw at the orphanage... and I learned so much about immense sorrow from them as well.

But ultimately, I think that what God taught me this summer was about myself.

I met one of the funniest, most random, kindest, godliest 40 year old men ever this summer. And in my mind, I kept telling myself that I wanted to be like him one day, in the sense that he is completely 100% himself. And one night, he told me that we were pruned from the same personality tree. He told me that I AM like him. He said that he sees that I am okay with myself. I know who I am, and I am not afraid to be me. Helena told me that same thing this summer. She said that being with me is free, because I'm not afraid to look stupid or be thought of being ridiculous.

I am who I am. Sometimes I get quiet and rarely speak at all. Sometimes I burst into random songs. Sometimes I drive fast and sometimes I drive slow. I like to listen to happy pop music, but have my moments of intense hardcoreness, too. But by being me - by being okay with who I am - I give others the freedom to be themselves, too. Rachel told me that no matter what we are doing, I can make anything fun. Nate said that I have an uncanny ability to be wherever he wants someone to be, doing whatever he wants them to be doing. I can connect with people of all ages: There's an old man at church who "flirts" with me. And there are 2nd grade boys who hang out in my Sunday School classroom.

God made my personality, and for me to hide it is me telling Him that "No, thanks, I can do better. A for effort God, but D- for execution."

I started working out a few times a week, and that taught me to accept my body. No, it is not perfect. My toes are still long, my thighs are still there, my hips aren't going anywhere... but that's how I'm supposed to look. I AM A WOMAN. It's okay to have thighs and hips. It's awesome having curves. My boyfriend looked at pictures of me and said I have the right kind of curves (however awkward that may be for you to read.... it's true!). I am a size smaller in my jeans, but not only that, I FEEL better about myself. I'm excited to go to Chena and wear my TWO PIECE in the hot springs. I bought SHORTS and I wear them.

I have my own style now... or at least, I'm getting to where I have my own style. I like to mix things up. Today's outfit is hole-y jeans, a (RED) shirt, a black sweater, silver flats, and a fake diamond bracelet that I wore to prom. Tomorrow might be running shorts and a T-shirt. That's what tonight's outfit will be, anyway. I like to wear bracelets. I pile them on, most days. It's fun. I like my clothes. I like what I wear. I feel comfortable and confident in it. I bought Tevas, and I don't feel like a poser. I'm just me. I bought running shoes and shorts, and I don't feel like a hypocrite, because now I actually use them.

I'm okay with just sitting in my room reading Harry Potter. I LIKE to scrapbook, to write, to be creative. I can't play guitar, and I'm SO okay with that. God has given each of us different gifts. Mine is not the gift of music. But put me in front of a group of people, and I could talk forever to them about something.

I know I am not perfect... but that's okay. I mean, I am working to that. :) Pretty much, I like me now.

My Dress Is Very Chicken.

I haven't updated much this summer. Only once or twice this entire month.

So here I go.

Work sucks. I hate my job, and every day want to stab myself in the face. I was yelled at one day for taking my lunch break - YELLED AT! - in front of everyone. It was so infuriating. So now I just listen to my little iPod and do my thing. They also decided to paint all of the offices, and each department got to choose their own color. The Payroll ladies chose some shade of cat puke. Three walls are pale mint green (the color your puke would be if you ate too much mint chocolate chip icecream) and another wall is a nice pale sunshine yellow. I don't like the mixture at all. But then again, I'm more of a deep and vibrant color person. Like one lady: her office is a beautiful deep red color. I like it.

But I do have a new love: working out. I NEVER thought I would be able to honestly say that, but I can. Here's an even deeper confession: I like running. I know, crazy. But I realized that now that I can run for two miles without stopping or absolutely dying, this whole running thing isn't bad. And I also have a new workout goal: I want to run the Bison-a-thon. Oh, not the half marathon - not at all - but the little 5K would be nice. So that's what I'm training for. (Side note: I feel so official saying that I'm TRAINING. But I guess I am, really.) I've already knocked over a minute off my starting time. Addi agreed to be my coach/encourager, which is nice. I know she'll keep me accountable. And Kim may even run it with me. And I have a time goal... it's really lofty, and I would have to average a pace that's one and a half minutes faster than my fastest mile. So we'll see. But I have a couple months to get in shape.

On that note, since I have been working out fairly regularly all summer, I am now down one pant size, thank you very much. :) I've literally worked my butt off... not that I had much of one to begin with, but you know.

The sisters were together again, even if it was only for like an hour and a half. But nonetheless, it was fun. And when we were taking pictures outside, a random man stopped and laughed at us and took our picture. It was fantastic. But really, it didn't feel much like old times. We've all grown up. We've all experienced new and different and fun and horrible things. And as much as we talk about those things, there's no way we will ever be able to reverse time and include eachother in those moments. Therefore, all we can now do is move forward... we can't change our past frienships. We can't appologize or dwell on how good they were. All we have now is ourselves and eachother. And what we make of that is up to us.

So Hannah, Jade, and I decided to make something of it. We had a photo shoot. Tony did a fantastic job as our official photographer. I paid him in high fives. We got some really cool pictures (you can see them on facebook) and a very funny video was made in the process (also on facebook). Next week we are roadtripping! We're going to Fairbanks, which is like 7 or 8 hours away, but I for one am excited. Tomorrow night is our planning session to decide everything we're going to do. Yay, friends.

And Tony and I had lunch today at Subway. He was in Palmer and I didn't have a lunch buddy, since Mom had a meeting and Cody had to work, so Tony and I met at Subway. He, uh, declared his undying love for me, which he said was cemented when I gave him the keychain from Africa. Awkward? A little. But it's Tony. It's okay.

I miss Shaun. There were a few times this summer when... when I doubted. But I do miss him. I'll see him in 18 days. I can't wait. I hope we do exciting things while I am there. I always visit him, but we never do cool Wichita things, and I would really like to. That, and my back has been hurting all summer, so I really want a back massage. Awkward? Probably. Sorry. It's true. And I can't wait to give him his Africa present. Here's a hint: It's blue and could potentially kill someone, but it isn't a weapon. Dun Dun Dun.

OBU? Not too excited. I really want to see some of my professors. I don't even remember what classes I signed up for. My parents are coming to visit in October though, and they are bringing me a car, so that's really super fun. I can't wait to introduce them to everyone and show them what I do at OBU. It would be awesome if the Bison-a-thon happened on the same weekend they are there. Then it'd be like, "Hey, look what I worked really hard for!"

I want to make them proud.

Anyway, I just finished working out, and am all sweaty and ew (good thing Shaun isn't here). So I need to go bathe. Mm.. I love showers. Then I am calling my boo (haha - this one time, someone made fun of me for calling him my boo. They said it was something only black people said. But now I don't remember who it was, and I wish I did. Maybe it was my cousin Winston... he's in the army now, by the way, and he loves it. What's with my family and the army? Is it a Krauss gene? Will my kids get it? How did I miss out on it? Or do I have it too and am missing my calling in life? CRAP! What if I'm headed down the completely wrong path, and my whole life is going to be screwed up because of this? OH MY GOSH! I don't want to join the army! They run a lot! But I like running now, so that part might not be so bad. But they also wear camo, and I'm not a fan. But one time, I saw a camo print bikini and it made me laugh. It had pink edging on it. It was at the Sportsmans' Warehouse. Ironically, I bought a really cute dress there. It's very earthy looking - red and white print with flowers. Very chic. Whenever I see the word chic, I think "chick" as in, chicken. Which is NOT at all what it means. "My dress is very chicken." I don't think so. But for some reason THAT reminded me that I also really like to crochet now. I'm currently stuck in the middle of making a sweater vest, and have instead turned to making a white, brown, and blue scarf. It's cute. And fun. And wow, I got so off track there. Sorry.)

So yeah. Okay. Bye bye. Tell your Mom I said hi.

You're All I've Ever Needed.

I spoke in church this morning, about Africa.
And I cried. A lot. Which I didn't REALLY expect, but it worked.

It is always so refreshing being with people who love and accept you as is, not having to change yourself for them, not having to try hard or practice what you'll say. I miss Rachel a lot, because that's how we were together. No matter what we were doing, be it on a safari, or swinging, or sitting with the babies, we worked.

It's funny when God throws friends at us in the most challenging situations, when He knows that they will be the friends that get us through those situations.

I miss Addi, too.
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I noticed one big difference between the South African church I went to and the church here. The difference is that there, people were excited. There was the little, 85 year old lady in the awesome green coat, swaying and clapping in the aisle. There was the call to prayer, where everyone went forward. And here, I'd look around, and no one was even smiling. Saddens me.

Stories.

I loved seeing God work in and through me.
He took things I wasn't even GOOD at and used them to bless other people.

Like SOCCER.
I am NOT a soccer player. Trust me. Mic and Zach were... not me. And yet, almost everyday I played soccer with Sofanee, and he loved it. And I did, too. Once, our game turned into a mass game of Keep-Away with 13 other kids. But once, Sofanee picked up the ball after it had rolled in the dirt, and he cleaned it off before we played again.

I guess I thought that since God had gifted me at certain things, He would only use those things. But now I see that that is putting God in a box. And He doesn't like that.

He also used the things I'm good at.

Like...talking.

I shared my testimony with House Four... all of my testimony. The hurt, the pain, the forgiveness, and the awesome. And through it, God worked in at least two lives. He healed, taught, and loved through me and my story.
And I'm not saying that to sound all "Holier Than Thou", because trust me, I don't think that.

I am so humbled by how God worked.
He took me - a little, silly girl from Alaska, and He shoved me all the way around the world, and He opened my mouth to speak to girls who didn't know the best English. And through my story, He fulfilled a promise: That He would use my hurt to help others.

What else?
God loved through me to turn a little HIV positive girl named Tahmee from a robot to a girl who laughed and played and hugged. We became like BFFs. One day, she was swinging, and I left for five minutes. When I came back, she was just sitting there, with tears running down her face. I picked her up, sat down in the dirt, and held her in my lap for like 30 minutes, just rubbing her back, rocking her, and hugging her. She speaks Zulu, so I couldn't ever understand her, until the very last day, when I said bye... and she said it back, plain as day, in English.

My heart broke. I went outside and cried and prayed for a long time, there in the dark... alone. I would have taken her home in a minute. Some of my favorite pictures are of me and her.

Then there's Mbali. What a precious little girl.
And Betsy. She's had so much hurt - you can tell.
And Candace. Such wisdom in a 15 year old.
And Zem and Personality. So much energy.
And the boys. Always wanting to sit by me and take pictures and look at my pictures.

My red hair was a huge source of entertainment.

I felt peace there, like I was home.

Inside Jokes, South Africa Style.

Africa.
I have so much I want to say about it.
I think several posts will be in order.

"A is for Jesus, B is for Jesus, 7 is for Jesus, 3.9 is for Jesus..."
Flat tires.
"Leavin'" by Jesse played in the Spar supermarket in Colenso.
Being Everything Buddies with Rachel.
Farkle.
The safety video on the plane.
"You're under arrest!!!!!"
Checking seats for AIDS.
"I've got the HIV."
Nate's number 3.
BREAKNECK.
Emergency West Texas State University.
Frank from Peurto Rico: "NO HUGS!"
Not seeing rhinocerouses.
Getting ripped off by the guy with the knives.
Playing on the play ground.
Soccer - bahaha.
Stinkin' Cold Showers every 2 or 3 days.
Psycho lady at the gas station.
Singing like Tarzan.
Lion King.
Prayer walkinging like Joshua, only in song.
Tahmee and Bali.
"MOLEESA!"
Being cut from the same personality tree as Darren.
Talking at 2:00 in the morning.
Our house not speaking English.
The little boy crying about his temporary tattoo.
Sofanee.
Rand.
Sawing chicken with dull knives.
Hair on your hands = masculinity.
Singing Christmas carols.
Hugging kids with AIDS or who are HIV positive.
The Smiling Club.
Being "The Man".
Delicious fruit salad, made with Mic.
Seeing giraffes on the side of the road in the wild.
Walking for help in the jungle.
Being open and encouraging others through it.
My African Mom.
Tiaras to the girls.
Being comfortable with myself.
Connections with all ages of kids.
Being friends with people who actually know how to listen.
My Zulu name, S'Mangaliso.
Driverlane.
"Bye bye."
"Tell your Mom I said hi."
Proverbs 31.
Isaiah 43, time and time again.