Braces.

Metal Mouth.
Railroad Tracks.
Or, as Taig says, A Mouth Full Of Butterflies.

Monday, November 28, 2011.

I spent the first part of my evening with the book “Pride and Prejudice” and a tall Starbucks chai. It was nice: a great read, delicious drink, just enjoying being 23.

I spent the second part of my night with a family: a mom, dad, and five daughters, all under the age of seven. We ate dinner and dessert and drank coffee and told stories and talked about serving the Lord in Africa – their desire and my own. I shared my dream for my love life with the wife, a lady I respect a great deal. I left with a full heart, full belly, and a vase full of yellow roses, my early get-well-soon present for Wednesday’s surgery.

God is so faithful. When the desires of my heart are in line with His will and His character, He lovingly and willingly grants them. My confidence, my hope and my joy and my faith, is not based on God’s actions, but on His character. Who He is.

I’ve struggled the last few days with that relationship that ended a couple of months ago. I’ve struggled with things that happened in the relationship, things that have happened since, what the end of it means for my future. I get braces put on tomorrow (Tuesday) and part of me thinks that if I have braces, I’ll never get married! Like I ruined my chance with him (and any boy!) when I had it.

But I know those are not words of Truth. It is Good that that relationship ended. Good for both of us, really, though maybe for different reasons. I do not change because of braces. I am still me – Melissa, age 23, Project Administrator/Change Management Coordinator. Because of all the recent struggles, however, I have developed (or there has developed within me) a new desire for my love life.

I really – REALLY – want to be in love with the Lord. I want to be so wrapped up in His love, in His pursuit of me (and my pursuit of Him), and in what He is accomplishing in my life… I want to be so caught up in our Royal wedding dance that I don’t even notice a boy until He has sought the Lord and requested from Him the privilege of cutting in on my dance with God. And only when that man steps in, takes my hand, and leads me in the dance will I acknowledge him in my heart. I want to know that the Lord has placed me in this man’s hands – that I have been turned over to him, so to speak, and that YWHW is looking on with pleasure and delight, just tickled pink that He can dance with both of us from that day forward.

I want to do what God has for me to do, with boldness and enthusiasm and all the fruit the Spirit of God can muster. I want to serve willingly and passionately: in GAs, at work, in my family and among my friends. And I think that it is while I am doing that – while I am pursuing God and His will in my life – that I will find The One With Whom I Am To Spend The Rest Of My Life. Not before.

That’s my heart right now. That’s where I’m at. Let’s do this.

Thanksgiving.

Happy, happy Thanksgiving!

I'm thankful for my family at large. Last year, I was in Oregon for Thanksgiving with my grandparents. That was so delightful. Grandma and I baked and made candy and since my half birthday occurred while I was there, we had a half birthday cake. It was my first ever Thanksgiving with my Grandparents.

I'm thankful for how the Lord captivates my heart. I'm listening to "Captivated" by Shawn McDonald right now.

I'm thankful for the job I have, for the friends I have made at work, for having a Bro and for being able to walk through IT and say hi to everyone in that department a few times a day. I'm thankful that I got to eat lunch with them. I am thankful for the insurance I have because next week I am: 1. Getting an eye exam done. 2. Getting braces put on. 3. Having oral surgery.

I'm thankful for my GAs and Church Family. I have TWENTY GAs - Twenty first through sixth graders that I get to hang out with and love on every week. I praise God for them, for the influence I can have in their lives. It is scary and intimidating sometimes - but I love them.

I'm thankful for the last couple weeks of house-sitting, for dogs that sleep with me (and eat my face off when they're hungry in the morning). I'm thankful for the warm, comfy bed I'm sitting in now as I listen to K-Love Radio. I'm thankful that in a few minutes, I will get ready and go home to help make fudge before joining friends for Thanksgiving Dinner.

Prase God - He alone deserves it.

Red Sea.

I taught Sunday School this morning about when the Israelites left Egypt, were lead back and forth by God through the dessert, were pursued by the Egyptians, and were finally cornered by the Red Sea. Cornered, between the people who wanted them dead or in captivity, and a body of water too deep to walk across, to wide to swim.

But as I was preparing for the lesson, I was so struck by the fact that God only leads where He wants me to be.

And sometimes, when I feel like I am cornered in life, it is only because He wants to do something great, like part a sea for me.

OneRepublic: "Good Life."

Christmas Music And Ice Cream.

This is life tonight:







Yummy Peanut-Butter/Chocolate ice-cream. And Christmas Music. And cutting fabric for quilting.

Today, I went thrifting: 4 sweaters and a bag.

I went to a movie by myself for the first time, too - something to which I've always had an aversion - and I loved it. The movie was lovely, and being by myself was nice, too. I talked to the random man who was waiting for the movie to start, who was also there by himself. He was about 50, so it was a little odd that he went to see "Breaking Dawn, Part 1" but who am I to judge?

And I soaked for about an hour in my boss' jacuzzi tub. Oh man. It was awesome. There's nothing quite like drinking a cup of coffee while soaking in a jacuzzi tub and reading "My Utmost for His Highest." It feeds every part of me: Physical, Spiritual, Emotional.

Truth.

House-sitting.

Now I remember why I don't like it: I spent more time last night cleaning up dog puke than I did sleeping. And I'm not exaggerating.

PS, boy: I have a crush on you. Do you know? Probably not. I feel like Taylor Swift's song "Enchanted."

Tonight's Plans.

Quilting while listening to K-Love.

I just downloaded the Phil Wickham Christmas CD. I love Christmas music. Who doesn't?

I love that Christ is celebrated - that He was born and lived and is still alive!

Living.

I loved being in California last month. I loved the warmth, the people with whom I spent time, the realization that Alaskans aren't the only ones.

I don't like to travel. I like to be. I like to be where I know I should be. Not should be, but... where the Lord wills for me to be. Last month, it was California. The month before, it was Washington. This month, it is Alaska, House-sitting.

I don't want to live in Alaska forever. Or probably much longer, period. But where do I want to live?

Africa. Uganda, with KKI. Or at the orphanage in South Africa. Or in a pyramid in Egypt.

Radical.

I just finished reading “Radical” by David Platt. It took me about a month, from start to finish. I read it at work, thousands of miles in the sky, lounging in a chair in the California sunshine, and relaxing on my bed with fresh snow outside.

Talking to Grandma tonight, I mentioned wanting to move to Africa, to intern with KKI for six months. She asked if I want to do it long-term, that if I do, I’ll miss a lot of family stuff, that I probably won’t get married, that I’ll have cats instead. But you know – my heart has been in Africa since 2008. Three years now. Four, next summer. If I am to go to Africa, I will go, for however long the Lord allows me to stay. With or without a husband. With or without cats.

Because it comes down to this: The Lord is faithful. He is just and pure and His way is much higher than my way. He makes everything work for good, even things that seemingly threaten to throw my whole life off course and make me doubt everything. He works them for good.

If this, then…. And if that, then… And if I hadn’t, then…

He knows. God knows. He knows all those paths and He is leading me down the one that He has ordained since the beginning. And I get to walk it. No, I get to run it, straight into His arms at the end of the race. Along the way, I get to serve and lead and disciple and carry my cross. And there is no other way I want to live.

One of the most difficult things, however, is not having people my age here in Alaska with whom I can talk about this. Or maybe I do, but the topic is never breached. Like we’re all scared to go there, to cross that line and discuss something that really matters… like it makes us uncomfortable because it doesn’t follow the American Dream. For that reason, I really miss OBU and Senior Women Bible Study. I miss my roomies and my BFFFL and Sarah and my J-Man Sister, who was mostly another Oklahoma friend. A heart friend. I miss having a heart friend.