Part One.

Okay. I'm ready.

"Melissa! What are you up to these days?"
"Well... I was going to move to India, but instead I'm living at home, working in a warehouse for 40 hours a week."

How much longer will that be my answer? "I was going to move to India..."
But what? But the LORD said no? He told me to go home? I had missed His leading?

As my friend Emily reminded the whole blog-o-sphere... I am in a season of waiting.
What am I doing with the wait?
Complaining. Anticipating the end. Mm, yeah, lots of bitterness....

Everyone said, "J-man will CHANGE your life!! You will never be the same!!"
And they were right.
It only took me a week though - not two years.

I know what it means - how it feels - to be completely outside the will of God. I know the anxiety that accompanies it and it is literally excruciating.

I know what it means - how it feels - to think I'm not allowed to talk to one of the most important people in my life. And it was more difficult than I anticipated. Worst. Ever.

But I know what it means to be obedient, even when it is unexpected and difficult and strenuous. And then, after the initial obedience, I'm learning what it means to continue to have a humble, obedient heart and spirit. That means trusting.

There is so much about which I feel I could write.

But it just takes soooooo long....

Ugh.

In Honor Of "Love Note Day"...

Dear LORD,

I love You.
I don't say that enough, do I?
And I know I don't show that enough.

I've been thinking, LORD, about what it means to love... what it means to love You. You gave me a definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

So, God, I want to love You like that.

I want to be patient when You tell me to wait for something. Right now that is so difficult - I am home, waiting for something. Help me not be antsy, but to show my love for You by being patient, by waiting for You in Your love.

God, I want to be kind to you, not always angry about some injustice I feel I am facing. I don't want to be bitter. I want to offer my time to You, to share my pie if You want some, to hold Your hand and just be nice like I am to other people. But You are more important, always.

In that, Father, help me not be jealuos or keep an account of wrongs I think I have suffered. I have been jealous - jealous that others have plans and ambitions and right now I don't and I think YOU have done something to cause it.

You haven't.

Help me remember that.

Lord, I remember now that this world is not about promoting my own Kingdom, but Yours. Help me not seek my own so that I can show my love for You.

Well, Abba, this isn't going how I wanted it to. It seems to be a letter about how I've failed You more than how I love You. Sorry. Please, forgive me for my failures. Forgive me for not loving as I should, for not being obedient to the call You have given me.

Thank You for pursuing me. Sleeping in, the messages on the radio, last night's sunset, today's desire of my heart, being intentional about Your pursuit. Thank You. Thank You for Your kindness and for not keeping records of my wrongs. All the ways I want to love You? You show me the perfect example everyday in my life.

Thank You that next week, my parents are celebrating 30 years of marriage. God, that is such a blessing to me, such an encouragement that one day, according to Your will, I will have a relationship like that too. Give me patience to hold out for it, to anticipate it but to be patient now, too.

Lord, You amaze me. You're amazing. Beautiful. Kind. Generous. All-knowing and all-powerful. You bless, You provide, You guide, You guard. You are.

More than anything, Abba Father, You are.

Jehovah.

Love,
Melissa

Tonight.

Skyping again.

Thinking about being refined, beauty from pain.
iPod on repeat.
Allowing God to work, waiting for Him to move, patiently resting on His Spirit.

What do I believe?
And do I really believe it or just because I grew up being told to believe it?

How do I know TRUTH?

Happiness is elusive.
Joy is eternal.

God is real, even when I can't feel Him.
Even when I don't want to love Him, He pursues me.

HE PURSUES ME.
Relentlessly. Wholeheartedly. Actively.
And I am running the other way.

The GOD of the Universe pursues me... and too often, I want nothing to do with Him.




I am pathetic.

Tuesday Tribute.

To my BFFFL:

Who would I be without our weekly trips to B-Street? dancing in the car? shopping too much? cookies? butt punching?
Not me.

Kimberly Louise, your words of encouragement, endless knowledge of all Facebook happenings, and willingness to drive me around before I got a car bless me more than you know. Your love for the Lord and willingness to follow Him, no matter how hard the path may be, is a challenge to me to do the same. Serving with you at Mission Center, watching HSM1, 2, AND 3, and having dance parties made college so great.

You are great.

Thanks, BFFFL, for loving me, supporting me, and telling me to get a clue.

Love, Melissa Louise

How do I know God exists?

Because I’ve seen the change in my life. I’ve seen Him set me free from fears of inadequacy, failure, and uncertainty. I’ve seen redemption’s process of convicting me of sin, providing the way out, and leading me into New Life with Him. I’ve seen the blessings that can only come from His hand – money for college, a car, a job, a relationship that had never before even crossed my mind yet blesses me daily. I’ve seen my need for Him – how when I get too far from Him for too long, things fall apart. How when I’m not in His will anymore, I fall apart. I’ve seen Him change lives, restore relationships, and continue to work in stubborn hearts, none more so than my own. And yet, I’ve seen Him rub my back lovingly, massage my feet as a friend, and hover above, ready to pour peace into my life. I’ve seen Him greet me, open the door for me, and show me the sunset He painted for me. I’ve danced with Him. I’ve held His nail-pierced hands in my own as I walked to class. I’ve knelt before His throne; He welcomed me there.

I know God exists because without Him, I wouldn’t.