Lead Me To The Cross.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Jesus.

The other night, after Laura's championship intramural softball game, I sat in front of the cross by the chapel, and prayed. And the verse on the cross is the one where God commands us to take up our crosses. So I was thinking about it.

And later that night, during my quiet time, I was thinking more. And God told me something. Will get to that later.

I remember being in North Carolina, carrying the cross out of the chapel. And the cross...it was awkward and heavy and hard to carry. It was not a walk in a park. And it would have been next to impossible to carry anything else at the same time.

So God told me that there is no way I can carry His cross and the things in my life that are weighing me down. So then I started thinking about how I either have to deny and drop the things that matter to me, or I have to deny and drop the cross. One of them has to go. There is no room in my life for both... there is no room in my hands and heart for both.

So at Bible study tonight, that's what we talked about... and we took a fieldtrip to the cross. And... I don't know. I think it was good.

For me at least.

Eskimo Dans. Dikdakkers.

New Favorite Song/Band.
They're Swiss.



It makes me laugh.

Take Time To Realize What I Just Realized.

We can walk away, as long as we don't let go.
We can jump, as long as we don't fall.
We can dream, as long as we are in each others' futures.

Summer.

Summer... endless days, faithful friends, ridiculous amounts of laughter and drivind around aimlessly.
Can't wait.
Three more weeks.




I miss us all together. I feel like... I feel like we're all walking away, into our own lives. And... we are.

K is going to be gone for 6+ months on a boat in the middle of the ocean.
Jadie gets to come home this summer :) but then is off to frolic in Montana some more.
Hannie wants to transfer to a school in the lower 48 (which would be fun - closer to me).

And I... I am going to Africa, fulfilling a dream of mine.
And then what? What after I graduate? Marry Shaun? Be a teacher?

I think that it is okay for us to walk away, to change, to mold into who we are destined to be... as long as we are still close enough (at least in heart) to hold hands. Holding hands makes everything better.

Proud.

I think that there are more important things in life than Civ.

I am upset that I got a B+ on the exam.
Which is a LAME thing to be upset about, seeing how there are people dying all over the world and there are so many other things I should worry about.

I also think, though, that I care more about making my parents proud - being better than Brad and Jeff at something - that I forget what really matters in my life. Yes, I have gotten a 4.0 the last two semesters. However, if I do not get another 4.0, my life will NOT be over.

But I also think that I really want to make my professors proud. I want them to see that I work hard at what I do, that learning is important to me, and that I care about what they have to say. So when I think that they do not see that, I feel like I let them down. And I don't want to let them down.

Really, I think I have this thing with wanting to make other people proud. Which, I decided, is not bad at all. But it is not where my focus should be. If I try my best - am a good RA, a good employee, a good friend, a good girlfriend (though Dr. Armond saw my purity ring and asked if Shaun and I are engaged today during our meeting), a good Mission Center leader, a good AWANA leader - if I do my best at those things, then Jesus Christ will be evident in my life.

And all I REALLY REALLY REALLY want is for Him to say, "Hey, good job, my faithful servant! Welcome to Paradise!" when I die. I really don't think God will be like, "Well, you got a B+ on a Civ exam - you're going to face eternal damnation now."

Note To Self For Future Reference:

God does provide.
The whole part in the Bible that's like, "God will provide. God has a plan. God knows what He is doing. God works all things for the good of those who fear Him."?

Yeah, it's all true.

I am close to $200.00 over what I needed.
My heart believes again that He provides.

Why did I doubt?

Home. Vanessa Carlton.

Even now when I'm alone
I've always known with you
I am home

For me it's a glance and the smile on your face the touch of your hands,
And an honest embrace
For where I lay it's you I keep,
This changing world I fall asleep
With you all I know is I'm coming home,
Coming home

Four More Weeks.

Four more weeks of school. Well, three weeks of classes, then finals week. And I have so much to do.

Foundations of Education:
1. A ten to fifteen minute presentation
2. A paper about my specific topic for the presentation
3. A paper to turn in about how my and my partner's topic correlate
4. A final paper to turn in in lieu of a final

Modern Western Civilization:
1. A ten to twelve page research paper about WWII and crimes against humanity and how that affected Nazis and Jews.

Communication:
1. A ten to fifteen minute presentation, which includes research, finding a problem, and solving said problem, and presenting the solution to a group other than the class
2. A five to seven minute speech on the topic of my choice (sub-par schools)

Government:
1. Exam on Tuesday
2. Book review due on Thursday

Elementary Math II:
1. Extra-Credit thing due on Tuesday

PLUS:
RA contract signing
AWANAS
Mission Center
Hall Activities
Meetings for Prichard and RA staff
Raising money for South Africa
Work

Countdown Begins.

The countdown is on.

I leave New York City for Johannesburg, South Africa in 68 days.

Blue.

It is beautiful outside.
So pretty.
Sunny, hot, not a cloud in the aamzing blue sky.

Love it.

Beautiful.

It is beautiful outside.
So pretty.
Sunny, hot, not a cloud in the amzing blue sky.

Love it.

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane...

Well.
We have my ticket from Anchorage to New York.

OH EM GEE!!!

I get there the night before everyone else, so I get to stay in a hotel in NEW YORK CITY by myself. I am so excited.

It's so...

real now.

Like, I'm actually going. No more just planning (though there is still a LOT of that going on)... but now we are getting down to the nitty gritty, buying tickets and planning more fundraisers. And here we go. In less than ten weeks, I will be IN SOUTH AFRICA.

Wow.

Krauss Look-alike Meter

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities - Collage - Morph

Macking At The Stop Light.

So, Bethany and I went to Mazzio's tonight for pizza.

After we left, we were stopped at a red light, and I glanced over just in time to see the guy and the girl in the truck next to us TOTALLY kiss.

It was SO funny.

They looked over, and Bethany and I started laughing, and the guy put his hand up to shield his face so we didn't see him, and they were both obviously embarassed. Then he looked over again, and both B and I give him a thumbs up, and he waved and laughed, and then the light turned green and we drove away, into the sunset, completely cracking up.

It made my night THAT much more amazing.

Scared.

I am honestly very worried about this summer.

I need $800 in a week for my trip.
EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS.
IN A WEEK.

And, okay. I trust God. However.
Eight hundred dollars in a week.
That's huge.

I believe God can do it. In my mind at least.
But right now, I'm having a hard time believing it in my heart.

Beauty.

I love that God loves looking at me...
At both my physical and my internal beauty.

I like that the God of the Universe could look at ANYTHING and call it beautiful... but He chooses to call ME beautiful. He is enthralled and captivated by my beauty.

Shaun and I won an award tonight for "Cutest RA Couple".



I love that no matter how much Shaun thinks I am pretty, it does not even come CLOSE to how beautiful God thinks I am.

The Message, Psalm 126

"It seemed like a dream, too good to be true,
when God returned to Zion's exiles.
We laughed, we sang,
we couldn't believe our good fortune.
We were the talk of the nations -
'God was wonderful to them!'
God was wonderful to us;
We were one happy people.

And now, God, do it again -
bring rains to our drought-stricken lives
So those who planted their crops in despair
will shout hurrahs at the harvest,
So those who went off with heavy hearts
will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing."

The Message, Luke 6: 22-23, 26.

"Count yourself blessed every time someone cuts you down or throws you out, every time someone smears or blackens your name to discredit Me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and that that person is uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens - skip like a lamb, if you like! - for even though they don't like it, I do... and all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company; My preachers and witnesses have always been treated like this ... There's trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others, saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them. Popularity contests are not truth contests - look how many scoundrel preachers were approved by your ancestors! YOUR TASK IS TO BE TRUE, NOT POPULAR."

Oh, how true for right now...

Missing.

So, I miss people.
I miss Hannah. And Kristina and Jade.
And Tony.
And the mafia workers.

I miss Alaska... and the mountains and the V-Ho and the memories. I miss being able to do outside stuff, like hiking and fishing and the like.

Father I Never Had

One weekend, in high school, there was a youth conference in North Pole, Alaska. It was in the winter, because I remember playing barefoot basketball outside in the cold. I was a captain. The game lasted about 3 minutes.

But anywho. At the conference, a singer was there named Joel Engle. He sang one song called "The Father I Never Had." It's about how his Dad walked out on him when he was a month old, and how he finally turned to God to be the Father he never had. I remember him talking about his daughter - how he prays that God will be the Dad she needs even when he can't be.

Fast forward a few years.

I walk into chapel this morning, and grab an announcement sheet like always. And at the top, where they say what chapel is about, it says, "JOEL ENGLE". And oh, gosh. I got so excited! I knew him!

Well, kind of.

So Joel Engle sings in chapel today. And he sings the "Father I Never Had" song. So after chapel, he was standing down front talking to some people, and I walk up. I shake his hand, and tell him about seeing him in Alaska and how that song made a lasting impression on me. And he was just like, "Thanks." That's all. But it was still cool.

Cool that a guy that I saw in Alaska graduated from my college and came back to do a concert. Small world, huh?

Commitment.

I don't like it when people say they are going to do something, then they don't do it. It bugs me. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you can't commit, don't say anything.

That's all.