Pouring It Out. Again.

I spent a large majority of the day so far cooking and baking.
I made homemade chocolate chip cupcakes with homemade peanut butter frosting.
I made lemon-pepper chicken to go in a salad I am making. The salad consists of lettuce, strawberries, mandarin oranges, the chicken, and perhaps walnuts and cheese. Yum.
Both the cupcakes and the salad are for potluck tonight.

I also spent a large portion of the day writing out and addressing postcards to people. About 40 postcards total. So far.

Last night, at about midnight, I was writing in my journal and got to thinking about what God taught me in India with regards to resting in His love. And why is it so hard for me to do that? Why do I have a hard time just resting in Him, allowing Him to be my everything? I thought that, after India, I would be fine in that department, since I had "poured out my perfume" so perfectly.

But I guess that's what happens. I think I have it all together, and that's where my pride trips me up. Pastor Tom always says that right after a big spiritual high is when you are most vulnerable to attacks. I guess it's true. Bummer

Emily is gone. I had SO much fun with her. Crab Hats. Taking Pictures. Kuspuk Photo Shoot. Husband Game. Lowes Challenge. Hiking and Twister on the Butte. Trying new restaurants and shopping in Palmer stores. Oh, especially the Crab Hats. So many good times in the Crab Hats.

Welp, church, then.... yup. Then tomorrow? Work, eye-appointment, attempt number 2 at summiting Lazy.

So I Drew A New Face And I Laughed.

Emily has been here for a week, and it has been epic. Love her.

I think I have a date tomorrow night. If not a date, then an almost-maybe-on-the-verge-of-being-a-date date.

I'm excited.

Breathe. Taylor Swift.

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Weekend Happies.

Ah, the weekend. Such a wonderful time of friendship, fellowship, and greatness.

I started work on Thursday and find it amusing how the two girls I work with and I don't talk at all.

But Friday. Oh, Friday.
Work, and the Friday Fling with Mom, Carol, and Ismenia. After work, Chris, Cody, Matt, and I beat the Butte, getting to the top in less than 30 minutes. Yes, I almost died. Yes, I was at the back of the pack most of the way. Yes, I drank SO much water that I had to pee twice before the night was over. Yes, I was the only girl, and yes - it was SO much fun. After the Butte (and an intense debate at the top about the effects of gravity on a bullet as it travels up and down), we drove around Palmer for a bit.
And then we "broke" into the playground at the Christian school. They have an ark. We wanted to play in it and we wanted to swing. After I lamented about needing to use a restroom, Chris kindly asked a passer-by where we could find one (he suggested the bar in town) and we walked that way, but then I just stopped at the port-a-potty. Yes, Palmer has them randomly positioned around town.
After a nice restroom break, we were standing in front of the Visitor Center, when who should show up but Liza! It was great! We talked to her for a while, and we made plans to climb Lazy on Tuesday. After she left, we took pictures with Balto, as tradition states. Then we saw... the cones.
Palmer is going through a lot of road construction right now, and orange cones are everywhere. I went and sat in the middle of a cone square, then put one on my head to take a picture. THEN we decided we all wanted to be in a picture with a cone on our head. So we set the camera timer, waited until no cars were around, and ran into the middle of the road to take some pictures. It was AMAZING. SO funny. We have plans to make orange and white shirts and direct traffic. :) We found bigger cones later, and Matt and Chris both tried to get in them (separately) and waddle across the road. It didn't work, but it was funny watching them fall over.

We hung out at the Catholic church on the lawn, with Chris trying to show off and do a flip off of Matt's hands, but never getting the courage to do it, and Cody and I watching and laughing. We played the shoe game. Ha.

Saturday was a chill Mom/Lola/Dad day.

Today I shared my testimony in church. Chris came, which was so nice of him. He ate lunch with us afterwards, and definitely carried his own in the conversation. I introduced him to people at church, and some kept asking me, "Who is that tall, handsome man you're with?"

Oh, gosh.
He's becoming a great friend.

:)

Dang.

I miss him.
A lot.

This still hurts.

Brother.

Brad is married.
I passed out in the middle of the ceremony.

I read a book on the flight home called "The Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller. It was... great. I read it quickly, and can't wait to go back through it more slowly. It was about the two lost sons (the story that is traditionally called "The Prodigal Son"). And man.... I so relate to the elder son. I've been doing a lot of self-examination lately, looking at my heart and trying to discover my motives behind my actions and "sacrifices."

Honestly, I keep seeing things I don't like, things I am not proud of, things I would hate for the world to see. But the God of the Universe - the Most High God - sees all those things. And still He is Prodigal, throwing everything off to run to me and embrace me in His love, to invite me into His feast. How long will I stubbornly refuse Him, acting as my own savior?

It was nice being with my family for the wedding - grandparents, brothers, etc. In "The Prodigal God," Keller writes about how Jesus is my brother. I've never thought of that. I've allowed Him to be my Savior, my Lord, my God, my Strength, my Love, my Hope, my Security... but never my brother.

A brother is someone who comes after you when you are in trouble, someone who encourages you to take chances and do the right thing, someone who helps you work things out with the parents when they go awry. Maybe it's because my brothers and I aren't that close, or maybe it's because of all the hurt that has been in our relationships, but I've never seen Jesus as that One. I don't really know HOW to let Him be my Brother. What does that look like in my life, having Him as a Brother? Allowing Him to fill those holes I think my earthly brothers should have filled?

Culture Shock.

I am experiencing reverse culture shock. It's really kind of annoying. I don't feel bad about being American or having all that I have. But I feel kind of like God liked me more when I was in India. I don't know why I feel that way, and I don't particularly know what to do about it.

It's harder here. Harder to read my Bible often. Harder to pray as much. Harder to be as focussed on Him. Maybe it's because my family support network has fallen, in a way. I am not with them all the time anymore.

I miss them.
Jordan and her words of wisdom.
Hannah and her singing during Nerts.
Steve and his Indian dancing.
Daniel and his never-ending iPod songs.
Kyle and his godliness and leadership ability.

I miss mango talks and mean monkeys. I miss walking everywhere and buying food from street vendors. I miss the honking and the crazy driving and the segmented sidewalks (okay, maybe not that last one). I miss being invited to people's homes, drinking tea, and talking about life and what is really important.

I think that really, I miss feeling like what I was doing mattered - REALLY MATTERED. I don't want to miss that. I don't want to feel like I am dispensable.

I am excited for August to come so I can be "home" with my family. Not just Jordan, Hannah, Steve, Daniel, and Kyle. But Addi. Oh, how I miss my OCBF and her love. And Dani and her silliness. And Kim and her shared love for all things Disney. And the others. Sarah. Roy. Emily. And Mission Center lovelies.

It will be sad not to see my graduate friends, like Julie and Jessica and Kelly and Emily.

But that's life. You grow up, you move on to greater things. Sad.