Black Canvas.

My creativity is stuck. I have before me a plain black canvas, bottles of paint, paintbrushes... and an empty mind.

I love the look of a blank canvas, how it stares back at you before you put art onto it, before you make it something to be treasured and valued. And yet... it is so intimidating.

Putting art on canvas means that your secret wishes are out in the open, for everyone to see. It means that that which is so important to you may not be appreciated by those who see it. It means that others will share it. It's more personal to have art in your head, in your heart. But if art stays there, it can't color the world beautiful. And isn't that the point of art?

Our journey to the Oklahoma City Art Museum on Saturday left me wanting to see every piece of art on the planet. I want to learn how to blow glass, how to draw with charcoal, how to screen print.

I have a black canvas before me, blank of everything except possibility.

Wonder.

I look at the wonder of life and can't believe He gave me You. I hope I can make all the pain worth it.

Thank You.

Prom 2009.

I'm a little bit - A LOT - frustrated.

I wanted to go on a prom date with Shaun. I wanted us to get all dressed up, act silly, take cheesy prom pictures, and have fun. So I shared this with Sarah and Dani and Emily.

And somehow, our little personal prom date turned into a campus-wide prom. It isn't Our Thing anymore. It's an OBU Thing. Maybe I feel a little like my idea was stolen... which is kind of was... and maybe I'm upset that it won't be special for Shaun and I anymore. Maybe I think that now, people are going to think that I stole the idea from OBU and not the other way around.

Maybe I shouldn't care what they think.
Maybe we should go and do our own thing anyway, because that's how cool we are.

Maybe we'll go two weeks before the OBU Prom, just so we can have done it first.

Take that, OBU. Try and rain on my parade? I think not.

Passion.

I just printed off my registration form to take a couple of art classes in Oklahoma City in May. Man, I am so excited.

One is for charcoal portraits and the other class is Intaglio printmaking. No joke. I've always wanted to try printmaking.

They offered a glass blowing class... which, WOW!!! but it's over $200 (even for members) and is on Wednesday nights, when I have Awanas. Maybe in the fall. Definitely in the fall.

A Love Like This.

In Honor of Valentine's Day (though it isn't for another week or so):
My favorite/most awkward LOVE moments thus far:

1. In 5th grade, when Gary (the boy who sat next to me) gave me a Valentine saying he loved me. I didn't talk to him for a few days afterward because I felt awkward, but then we became friends again.
2. When I wrote Mikey the love note... and he read it in front of the whole class. Oh man, that was bad. I went home pretending to be sick.
3. The boy I kissed behind the dumpster when we lived on base. I thought no one knew, but my brothers were at the playground across the street and they saw. Then they told my mom. I didn't know she knew until 2 months ago.
4. Being mad at Sierra for stealing my "boyfriend" Joel in 2nd grade. Gosh. Shouldn't she have known better?!
5. Gunner. Oh, Gunner. The time in band when he pulled my chair next to his and called it a couch. Then the time he called me fat. That wasn't loving, that was mean. I didn't like him much after that.
6. My first date with Shaun (happy happy smile). We drove around for 30 minutes looking for a restaurant that didn't exist. And we saw a movie. And read little kids books at the mall.
7. Falling in love - I knew it around this time 2 years ago.

I Met God.

God and I had a heart to heart last night, much like my friend did, unbeknown to me.

I told God lots of things that I had been telling other people. And finally, I brought it before Him. Things like RAing next year, my classes, my boyfriend, my future, Awanas last night... things that seem trivial, but are oh so important.

And He spoke back. I heard Him. We had a dialogue. It was... fantastic.

And the more I was thinking, the more I realized how little I am in the scheme of the world, but how BIG I am to Him. He is the God of our solar system, and all the other solar systems out there. He is bigger than the universe. He spoke it into existence. He worked out all the factors for earth to support life before man even knew the factors mattered. He spoke the stars into existence, sending their light already on the way to earth so that we can see stars that are billions of light years away. He looks down through the vast mess of space dust, clouds, pollution, trees, buildings... and into my heart.

And my heart MATTERS to Him. How incredibly wonderful is that?! He really does see me. He sees my confusion, my desire to please others, my fears, my wishes, what I do and do not like about myself. He sees what I hate, what I love, what I have, what I need. He sees me crying and He sees me laughing for joy, incredulous at all of my blessings that He has poured out for me.

Oh, how humbling to be held in the hand of the Almighty.

I haven't blogged in like 2 weeks.

I am already feeling overwhelmed.