My Stomach Is In Knots.

First week of classes. It's been a hard one.

Overwhelming, to say the least, but all of the WMU RAs, and Jessica, have been feeling it, too. Seems like all I've done this week is go to class, do homework, talk to girls on my hall, and sleep. With some eating and showering in there, and a workout or two.

And right now...I feel like crying.

I just feel so... so... so in over my head.
I mean, I have 16 credits, plus I am an RA, plus I am co-chairing Mission Center, plus I have a life and I want to work out, plus I have homework, work, friends, and I want time to just RELAX and be by myself. But that will be a rare occurence this semester.

What ever. I feel like I'm so over it.
But I can't be.

And it's like... everything has to be on everyone else's schedule. Meetings for Mission Center... the interview... even hanging out with my boyfriend.

For once, I want to dictate something.

Weekend.

This has been a fantastic weekend. Very... filling and fulfilling.

Yesterday was the CML retreat. And now... I realize that leading Mission Center is a bg deal, but I'm really excited about it. Something that Tony Tyler said that struck me was that every kid in Oklahoma City has a story. They all have a life story that will always be with them. And to think that we have the opportunity to play a part in their story, however small and insignificant or big and impressive it may be, it amazing. To think that God gives us the opportunities to make their stories better... to fill their stories with more love... that's amazing to me. What story do we need to impress upon them? The story of the cross. They need to see that story in our lives, lived out, loved out.

Hanging out with Kim on Saturday was nice. Lunch at Benedict Street, then Old Navy.

I saw Dr. Armond at Benedict St. and he mentioned my shooting pictures on facebook... awkward... but really really really funny.

I spent my gift cards and got... black dress pants, a light green dress shirt, a green sweater, an orange and white striped shirt, a black clutch, and a white and blue striped night shirt, which, when I went to the bathroom this morning before my shower, a girl thought was a regular dress. She thought it was cute, and thought that I was wearing it to church. :)

And church this morning... The best I've been to in a long time. The church I usually go to here, Calvary, is nice. The people are friendly enough... but no one seems like a really mature Christian. No one seems excited about what they're doing. It seems like they're all just like, "Oh, church again..." and I don't like that.

But this morning...
I went with Kelly, Bruno, Tom, Danielle, Taylor, Galend, Kyle, Ashley and Danielle's brother and cousin to LifeChurch in Edmond. They go there every week, and I decided to join them. The people there... they knew. They knew that it's real - that God is real and that we can have a real relationship with Him. I mean, I saw people raising their hands in praise, down on their knees... I saw a man with one arm raise his arm, eyes closed, singing at the top of his lungs.
And isn't that what church is about? It's about being there - being real before God, being vulnerable with our arms out, eyes closed. It's about meaning what you're singing about, being sincere in worship, not holding back. That's what's been missing in my church experience. That realness.

Classes start tomorrow. I am excited and intimidated about this semester. It will be fun - classes, observing, RAing, Mission Center... but I know it will be busy. Lots of time managament will have to come into play.

Also - "Here (In Your Arms)" by hellogoodbye makes me laugh.

New To Do List.

About a year ago, I wrote a life to-do list... a wish list for my life, if you will. And...I have a new one. I don't know how similar it is or will be to my last one, but I guess we'll see.

1. Get married.
2. Vacation in a beach house in North Carolina with my husband.
3. Backpack through Europe.
4. Volunteer at an orphanage in Africa.
5. Become a teacher.
6. Have children.
7. Make my own family traditions.
8. Take my kids out of school for a day to go to an amusement park.
9. Kiss in the rain.
10. Send a message in a bottle.
11. Send an unsuspected love/appreciation letter.
12. Jump off of a rope swing into the water.
13. Spend a week camping in the woods with my friends.
14. Watch the sunset on a beach then stay up all night and watch the sunrise.
15. Own a really big dog.
16. Own something Chanel.
17. Write or draw something on the side of the highway in Alaska with white rocks.
18. Sell something on ebay.
19. Scream that I love someone at the top of my lungs.
20. Pay for someone else's dinner.
21. Sleep outside, under the stars.
22. Steal the Krauss Rd. street sign in Oregon.
23. Go hunting...and shoot something...and eat it.
24. Make a collage of what's important to me.
25. Sew an entire outfit.
26. Swim in the ocean at night.

I'm Coming Home.

Mm... my girls are coming back.
I love it. I love seeing them and hearing them and... ah. I love it.

It's like... THIS is it. This is the reason I am here. I can't believe I had to think so much about being an RA next year.

It just seems like this is...this is what I'm here for. I am here to be an RA. I mean, that isn't my ultimate reason for being here, but it's part of it. If I wasn't in this position, I don't know what I would do. I can't imagine not being an RA now.

My girls are coming back.
Yay.

Morals Are Dumb.

I am bored.
One more hour of sitting at the desk, then I am free to go play racquetball again...with Kelly and 7 foreign boys. Ha.

This is the giraffe I made for my education class.


I'm wearing plaid shoes today. :) And I got plaid shorts... and plaid underwear... this weekend with Ashley. And we spent a lot of time at the Disney Store. I loved it.

I need to write people letters, but I have no stamps.

I wanted to drop out of college today. It's really... expensive. Books for this next semester cost over $400.00, and I still owe close to $800 for J-Term. I wanted to drop out and... I don't know what I would do.

Maybe just live in a box. In Florida. On the beach. Be nice and tan and homeless and eat out of a trashcan. Maybe grow some dreds. And play a bongo drum. And bead purses to sell to people - tourists, really. And maybe, maybe, I will make enough purses and earn enough money to one day buy myself a little house.

Or. Maybe I will stall in school so that I can be a teacher and help little kids one day.

Gosh. Stupid morals.

Love.

Want It.

You have to want it.
It has to overtake all of your senses.
It has to push you to action, forsaking the pain and the inconvenience and the sleep that you really really want.

It has to mean something to you.
You have to live, eat, sleep, and breathe it, without letting it completely take over your life because in the end, you still have to know who you are.

You have to be dedicated.
You have to be serious in your dedication - there can be no half-hearted attempt.

You have to want it.
You have to want it.