So I just got a facebook message from a girl named Jenni. I told her about what I am struggling with, and what she said back almost made me cry.
She said, "The deal is, you're positively beautiful and God knows that ... And God knows you're beautiful he created you that way, especially your beautiful heart. Although, right now He's not to attracted to how you're thinking about yourself. He's not happy with the fact that you're not happy with His creation (you). Not that I'm saying you're not happy with yourself but you know. God knows your heart and knows everyone..He's closer to you then imaginable. With someone who knows you that well...He knows how your heart is and so you're heart should be happy...because God really doesn't want your heart feeling the same that your thoughts are."
She said some other things that I chose not to disclose.
But Dang.
I never thought of that...the fact that God doesn't like for me to think like this. You know, I've been so "focussed" on wanting to just please God that I never thought about how my thinking like this doesn't please Him.
In my Bible, I have a verse underlined. It says, "But my dove, my perfect one is unique, the only daughter of her mother, the favorite of the one who bore her. The maidens saw her and called her blessed; the queens and concubines praised her." -Song of Songs 6:9
I've just been dwelling on that verse.
"My dove"... You know when Jesus was baptized? The Holy Spirit descended on Him like a dove. A dove was obvisouly a precious and chosen being if that's what God chose to represent Himself. And He chose the words "my dove" to describe ME.
"My perfect one" ... without fault...blameless... everything needed. That's how God described me in this passage. He looks and sees me without fault.
"Unique" ... God made me different than everyone else. He chose my eye color, my hair color, my skin tone, and yes, my shape, just for me. Something we talked about at D-NOW was that God looks at me and says, "DANG! I did a great job on her!" He loves looking at me. He created me. He handcrafted me out of nothingness. He had me in His mind to form LONG before the earth was even made.
I love this passage. All of it. I've been meditating on it and just thinking about it lately. Especially tonight after 905 when I was in the GC.
But it's so easy to forget.
3.27.2007
Seven Places.
"Even When" -Seven Places
This week, I prayed, one time
My phone, it rang, I put You on the other line
And now my thoughts they drift around
My knees remain unacquainted with the ground
Unless my faith is put to the test and I am forced to bow
Although I'm in this flesh it doesn't mean
You shouldn't have the best from me, from me
[Chorus:]
Even when my eyes are dry
Even when my soul is tired
Even when my hands are heavy,
I will lift them up to You
It's not about how I feel, oh Lord
I am here for You
I exist for you
I close my eyes but all I see
Is a background of black, bouncy squiggly lines
And this week's mistakes coming back to mind but
I will lift my voice and make a joyful sound
Forget about me, I only get me down
Although I cannot see it doesn't mean
I shouldn't sing to You, to You
[Chorus]
You've given me Your life
And have held mine together yet I find
Excuses to slouch in my pew
But when glory divine
Is sitting in my very presence,
The least that I can do
Is give my all to You, give my all to You
[Chorus]
Wow. Talk about convicting.
I have a new love - the band Seven Places.
I just heard them on the radio. They're pretty much amazing. So I went to their myspace, and the songs on there are good, too. And this song is on their purevolume page.
Sunday night, at Exit316, Jeremiah talked about having a new perspective, and the Seven Places song I just listened to was all about that. Crazy how God does that. It's awesome how God does that. That night, I really did not want to worship. I was like, "I don't feel like it!" SO I had to keep reminding myself that it isn't about me. None of it is about me. It's like, God has to have center stage in my life. And sooooo often I forget that.
Am I really living to live for Christ? It is so much easier to die for something you believe in...but to live for it? Not so easy. Do I think He is worth it? Yeah, I do. But do I show it? Not really.
I let my emotions get in the way. I think, "Oh, I don't want to. I don't feel like it. I'm not in the mood to spend time with God." but I can't base anyhing on my emotions.
Emotions change.
God doesn't.
How cool is that, that He doesn't change? He's always the same! Adam and Eve knew the same God that I know now. They walked with Him in the garden of Eden. I can walk with Him everyday still. That's amazing. All those thousands of years, and He's the same. Even when it seems like the whole world is falling apart, God is still there. And when I feel bad about anything, God still cares. And when I'm happy and joyful and giddy, God's STILL there.
And He loves me.
That's crazy to think about. I mean, there are BILLIONS of people on this planet. And God knows ALL of them. But...He still loves me. There are so many better people out there. SO many that are more devoted to following Him, to worshiping Him, to living for Him... but He looks at me with love. And not earthly love, but a love that no one can really understand. His love is huge. And we (I mean, I) take it for granted.
He thinks I'm beautiful.
I don't know if I believe this right now. All through Spring Break, I was surrounded by Shaun's family and friends, all of whom are SO thin. And I'm not...and I started feeling really bad about myself. And I still do. It's so easy to focus on my thighs and hips and stomach and everything. It's so hard to look past that. I just feel... blech...ugly...fat...unloveable. I know God is "enthralled by my beauty," like Psalms says... but it can't be true. Not right now anyway. Maybe after I lose a few pounds.
I know that sounds ridiculous. But that's where I'm at right now.
I had to do the walk/run test today. And I'm pretty sure it was way more than a mile. But oh well. I prayed the whole time. It was kind of cool. I enjoyed it thoroughly. The praying part. Not really the walking part. I prayed, asking God to show me what He sees when He looks at me. When I look in the mirror, I want to see what God sees. Whether or not that is possible, I have no idea. But it's what I prayed for. I asked Him to show me beauty, to show me Himself.
I so just want to be happy with who I am. But I'm not.
This week, I prayed, one time
My phone, it rang, I put You on the other line
And now my thoughts they drift around
My knees remain unacquainted with the ground
Unless my faith is put to the test and I am forced to bow
Although I'm in this flesh it doesn't mean
You shouldn't have the best from me, from me
[Chorus:]
Even when my eyes are dry
Even when my soul is tired
Even when my hands are heavy,
I will lift them up to You
It's not about how I feel, oh Lord
I am here for You
I exist for you
I close my eyes but all I see
Is a background of black, bouncy squiggly lines
And this week's mistakes coming back to mind but
I will lift my voice and make a joyful sound
Forget about me, I only get me down
Although I cannot see it doesn't mean
I shouldn't sing to You, to You
[Chorus]
You've given me Your life
And have held mine together yet I find
Excuses to slouch in my pew
But when glory divine
Is sitting in my very presence,
The least that I can do
Is give my all to You, give my all to You
[Chorus]
Wow. Talk about convicting.
I have a new love - the band Seven Places.
I just heard them on the radio. They're pretty much amazing. So I went to their myspace, and the songs on there are good, too. And this song is on their purevolume page.
Sunday night, at Exit316, Jeremiah talked about having a new perspective, and the Seven Places song I just listened to was all about that. Crazy how God does that. It's awesome how God does that. That night, I really did not want to worship. I was like, "I don't feel like it!" SO I had to keep reminding myself that it isn't about me. None of it is about me. It's like, God has to have center stage in my life. And sooooo often I forget that.
Am I really living to live for Christ? It is so much easier to die for something you believe in...but to live for it? Not so easy. Do I think He is worth it? Yeah, I do. But do I show it? Not really.
I let my emotions get in the way. I think, "Oh, I don't want to. I don't feel like it. I'm not in the mood to spend time with God." but I can't base anyhing on my emotions.
Emotions change.
God doesn't.
How cool is that, that He doesn't change? He's always the same! Adam and Eve knew the same God that I know now. They walked with Him in the garden of Eden. I can walk with Him everyday still. That's amazing. All those thousands of years, and He's the same. Even when it seems like the whole world is falling apart, God is still there. And when I feel bad about anything, God still cares. And when I'm happy and joyful and giddy, God's STILL there.
And He loves me.
That's crazy to think about. I mean, there are BILLIONS of people on this planet. And God knows ALL of them. But...He still loves me. There are so many better people out there. SO many that are more devoted to following Him, to worshiping Him, to living for Him... but He looks at me with love. And not earthly love, but a love that no one can really understand. His love is huge. And we (I mean, I) take it for granted.
He thinks I'm beautiful.
I don't know if I believe this right now. All through Spring Break, I was surrounded by Shaun's family and friends, all of whom are SO thin. And I'm not...and I started feeling really bad about myself. And I still do. It's so easy to focus on my thighs and hips and stomach and everything. It's so hard to look past that. I just feel... blech...ugly...fat...unloveable. I know God is "enthralled by my beauty," like Psalms says... but it can't be true. Not right now anyway. Maybe after I lose a few pounds.
I know that sounds ridiculous. But that's where I'm at right now.
I had to do the walk/run test today. And I'm pretty sure it was way more than a mile. But oh well. I prayed the whole time. It was kind of cool. I enjoyed it thoroughly. The praying part. Not really the walking part. I prayed, asking God to show me what He sees when He looks at me. When I look in the mirror, I want to see what God sees. Whether or not that is possible, I have no idea. But it's what I prayed for. I asked Him to show me beauty, to show me Himself.
I so just want to be happy with who I am. But I'm not.
3.26.2007
Birthday.
Only five more days of March. Wow.
My birthday is in exactly two months. I didn't realize that until Sheila told me earlier today.
Kristina's birthday is in two months and five days.
Then we'll be 19.
Is being 19 any different from being 18? Probably not. I don't think growing older really changes anything. I mean, at 21 you can drink, but who wants to do that? Not me.
I think I'm excited to get older...but at the same time, I don't want to. I can't belive I've already been in college for almost a year. It really is crazy. Doesn't seem like it's been almost a year. But then, what can you do?
My birthday is in exactly two months. I didn't realize that until Sheila told me earlier today.
Kristina's birthday is in two months and five days.
Then we'll be 19.
Is being 19 any different from being 18? Probably not. I don't think growing older really changes anything. I mean, at 21 you can drink, but who wants to do that? Not me.
I think I'm excited to get older...but at the same time, I don't want to. I can't belive I've already been in college for almost a year. It really is crazy. Doesn't seem like it's been almost a year. But then, what can you do?
3.15.2007
Hypocrisy and Updates.
Time to post anew.
Been so busy and tired lately. Am so glad next week is spring break. I'm going to Kansas, then to Northern Virginia, then to Kansas again.
Addi and I talked tonight, and I agree with what we talked about, but I don't know what to do about it. I'll pray about it.
Started working today for Dr. Hagen. Transfered his notes from one book to another, watched a clip of a movie a thousand times, and graded stuff. It'll be a good job. Fun. Not too hard. Probably like my job at home. Seems like I always get jobs like that.
I'm currently listening to the radio and packing my stuff for spring break, so I have clothes all over my bed, and stuff everywhere. And I have a room inspection tomorrow at 1:00, and I have to give a tour for The Herd at 3:00. I think we're leaving at 4:00 ish.
I'm sorry, but I really don't have a lot to talk about.
Ah, TobyMac. Much love for him. I really want to watch Saved by the Bell, but I have to wait until I'm done with this post. And I need to finish The Odyssey. I'm getting to the good part - where they get rid of the suitors and Odysseus gets to see Penelope without a facade.
Facade.
On my New Testament test, one of the anwers about warnings Jesus gave in the Sermon on the Mount was to not put on a facade.
I wonder if I do that.
I wonder if I'm a hypocrite.
I know I am.
And that makes me sad.
Been so busy and tired lately. Am so glad next week is spring break. I'm going to Kansas, then to Northern Virginia, then to Kansas again.
Addi and I talked tonight, and I agree with what we talked about, but I don't know what to do about it. I'll pray about it.
Started working today for Dr. Hagen. Transfered his notes from one book to another, watched a clip of a movie a thousand times, and graded stuff. It'll be a good job. Fun. Not too hard. Probably like my job at home. Seems like I always get jobs like that.
I'm currently listening to the radio and packing my stuff for spring break, so I have clothes all over my bed, and stuff everywhere. And I have a room inspection tomorrow at 1:00, and I have to give a tour for The Herd at 3:00. I think we're leaving at 4:00 ish.
I'm sorry, but I really don't have a lot to talk about.
Ah, TobyMac. Much love for him. I really want to watch Saved by the Bell, but I have to wait until I'm done with this post. And I need to finish The Odyssey. I'm getting to the good part - where they get rid of the suitors and Odysseus gets to see Penelope without a facade.
Facade.
On my New Testament test, one of the anwers about warnings Jesus gave in the Sermon on the Mount was to not put on a facade.
I wonder if I do that.
I wonder if I'm a hypocrite.
I know I am.
And that makes me sad.
3.09.2007
Lifestream.
I love Thursday nights.
Lifestream is amazing.
Hundreds of people, all with different stories, different backgrounds, different lives, different dreams and hopes and fears...all in one place praising the same God for the same reason - that He changed our lives and He deserves all the glory and honor and praise we can give Him, and then some.
I ride in with Shaun, his roommate Sam, and Sam's friend Seth. I'm the only girl in a car with them for like 45 minutes each way. It is so funny. The things they say and do, it just cracks me up. Until they get gassy. Then it's just sick McNasty. And I role my window down and freeze them out, which is fun for me. Sam kept shining a flashlight in my eyes last night, and Seth kept breaking a hanger, and Shaun was singing under his breath... :)
The music is amazing. And the people are so real in their worship - it's like, you know they want to be there, just singing to God and praising Him. And they do. Arms lifted high, people on their knees, heads down, eyes heavenward... God meeting us there.
Amazing.
Lifechanging.
Undescribable.
Lifestream is amazing.
Hundreds of people, all with different stories, different backgrounds, different lives, different dreams and hopes and fears...all in one place praising the same God for the same reason - that He changed our lives and He deserves all the glory and honor and praise we can give Him, and then some.
I ride in with Shaun, his roommate Sam, and Sam's friend Seth. I'm the only girl in a car with them for like 45 minutes each way. It is so funny. The things they say and do, it just cracks me up. Until they get gassy. Then it's just sick McNasty. And I role my window down and freeze them out, which is fun for me. Sam kept shining a flashlight in my eyes last night, and Seth kept breaking a hanger, and Shaun was singing under his breath... :)
The music is amazing. And the people are so real in their worship - it's like, you know they want to be there, just singing to God and praising Him. And they do. Arms lifted high, people on their knees, heads down, eyes heavenward... God meeting us there.
Amazing.
Lifechanging.
Undescribable.
3.06.2007
Beauty From Pain.
I forgot that Ms. Linda prays for me on Tuesdays.
I had two tests today.
I'm applying for an on-campus job today.
I have two tests tomorrow.
I'm still not feeling one hundred percent.
My room is messy.
My hair looks like prom hair, according to Addi.
I took a nap this morning.
And Ms. Linda is praying for me.
That's so encouraging to know. I'm not even kidding. My Mom just sent me an e-mail reminding me about Ms. Linda, and I got so excited. :) I love knowing people pray for me.
I sent a letter to Ms. Kara last week - apparently she got it on a day when she really needed it. :) That makes me happy to know I blessed her somehow.
I went to Squatter's Rights last night, and now I have my dorm room for next semester in SECOND SOUTH of WMU!! I'm way excited to be an RA. I hope I can bless those girls, too. I'm already praying for them.
I like the song "Beauty From Pain" by Superchic[k]. And the song "Courage" by them.
The other night, I was reading my Bible, and I read Psalm 30...and it was way cool:
Psalm 30
1 I will exalt You, O Lord,
for You lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 O Lord my God, I called to You for help
and You healed me.
3 O Lord, You brought me up from the grave;
You spared me from going down into the pit.
4 Sing to the Lord, you saints of His;
Praise His holy name.
5 For His anger lasts only a moment,
but His favor lasts a lifetime;
weepihng may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
6 When I felt secure, I said,
"I will never be shaken."
7 O Lord, when You favor me,
You made my mountain stand firm;
but when You hid Your face,
I was dismayed.
8 To You, O Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9 "What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise You?
Will it proclaim Your faithfulness?
10 Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me;
O Lord, be my help."
11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever.
I love verses 11 and 12. They've been running through my head for the last 2 or 3 days. It's like...God took everything about me - He took my pain, my anger, my sadness - and He turned it into dancing. He transformed me. Because of Him, I can have joy that lasts. I love how it says He removed my sackcloth, which people wear when they're mourning, and He cloths me in JOY. What two opposites - mourning becoming joy.
O, that my heart may sing to You and not be silent. I will give You thanks forever.
I had two tests today.
I'm applying for an on-campus job today.
I have two tests tomorrow.
I'm still not feeling one hundred percent.
My room is messy.
My hair looks like prom hair, according to Addi.
I took a nap this morning.
And Ms. Linda is praying for me.
That's so encouraging to know. I'm not even kidding. My Mom just sent me an e-mail reminding me about Ms. Linda, and I got so excited. :) I love knowing people pray for me.
I sent a letter to Ms. Kara last week - apparently she got it on a day when she really needed it. :) That makes me happy to know I blessed her somehow.
I went to Squatter's Rights last night, and now I have my dorm room for next semester in SECOND SOUTH of WMU!! I'm way excited to be an RA. I hope I can bless those girls, too. I'm already praying for them.
I like the song "Beauty From Pain" by Superchic[k]. And the song "Courage" by them.
The other night, I was reading my Bible, and I read Psalm 30...and it was way cool:
Psalm 30
1 I will exalt You, O Lord,
for You lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 O Lord my God, I called to You for help
and You healed me.
3 O Lord, You brought me up from the grave;
You spared me from going down into the pit.
4 Sing to the Lord, you saints of His;
Praise His holy name.
5 For His anger lasts only a moment,
but His favor lasts a lifetime;
weepihng may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
6 When I felt secure, I said,
"I will never be shaken."
7 O Lord, when You favor me,
You made my mountain stand firm;
but when You hid Your face,
I was dismayed.
8 To You, O Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9 "What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise You?
Will it proclaim Your faithfulness?
10 Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me;
O Lord, be my help."
11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever.
I love verses 11 and 12. They've been running through my head for the last 2 or 3 days. It's like...God took everything about me - He took my pain, my anger, my sadness - and He turned it into dancing. He transformed me. Because of Him, I can have joy that lasts. I love how it says He removed my sackcloth, which people wear when they're mourning, and He cloths me in JOY. What two opposites - mourning becoming joy.
O, that my heart may sing to You and not be silent. I will give You thanks forever.
3.04.2007
Spring Preview Day.
Yesterday was fun.
Spring Preview Day.
Over 140 prospective students and their parents.
Who knows how many members of The Herd.
It was "cold" - in the 50s and windy. We were all in T-shirts, some of us with long sleeve shirts under them, others with sweates on over the shirts. Welcoming cars at the entrance by Agee and in the front. Giving tours. Walking around the Art Building.
Closing Session.
RUN-IN!
Screaming, shouting, yelling, hollering.
Sprinting up and down the aisles in Chapel.
Climbing through the rows, over people.
Giving high fives.
Messing up hair.
Running some more.
KA-RIP!
Clapping, yelling, cheering.
Teaching the students and the parents.
Going over and over and over it.
Speeding up.
THE DINNER!
Sharing a chair with some random kid and Kim.
Eating free food.
Talking to Miles and the other kid.
Asking about the earth blowing up.
Kim making fun of my dying voice.
I heart Spring Preview Day.
And alas, I woke up this morning unable to talk. In fact, I croaked. But my lovely boyfriend just went to the GC and bought me chicken noodle Soup at Hand and orange juice. Thus, I am well taken care of for the night.
My voice is slowly returning to normal.
Spring Preview Day.
Over 140 prospective students and their parents.
Who knows how many members of The Herd.
It was "cold" - in the 50s and windy. We were all in T-shirts, some of us with long sleeve shirts under them, others with sweates on over the shirts. Welcoming cars at the entrance by Agee and in the front. Giving tours. Walking around the Art Building.
Closing Session.
RUN-IN!
Screaming, shouting, yelling, hollering.
Sprinting up and down the aisles in Chapel.
Climbing through the rows, over people.
Giving high fives.
Messing up hair.
Running some more.
KA-RIP!
Clapping, yelling, cheering.
Teaching the students and the parents.
Going over and over and over it.
Speeding up.
THE DINNER!
Sharing a chair with some random kid and Kim.
Eating free food.
Talking to Miles and the other kid.
Asking about the earth blowing up.
Kim making fun of my dying voice.
I heart Spring Preview Day.
And alas, I woke up this morning unable to talk. In fact, I croaked. But my lovely boyfriend just went to the GC and bought me chicken noodle Soup at Hand and orange juice. Thus, I am well taken care of for the night.
My voice is slowly returning to normal.
3.03.2007
Picture.
I love this picture of me and Shaun...how I was playing with his hair, and we stop to take a picture, and I'm smiling at the camera, and he's just looking at me... aww...
Seeing Red.
I was so mad in English on Friday. I was ticked off.
We were talking about The Iliad, and heroes.
Then we started talking about suicide bombers...
and how "brave" and "courageous" they are.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Yes, they killed themselves for what they believe in. But that doesn't sound noble to me. That sounds dumb. It's so much easier to die for your faith than to live for your faith.
It it because of the suicide bombers and people like them that my brothers are in Iraq...protecting YOU and YOUR right to call suicide bombers "heroes".
My dad is a hero for daily facing people who make dumb choices. My Mom is a hero for living out her faith in a workplace that doesn't center on Christ. Brad is a hero for being brave enough to get in another Stryker after the one he was in blew up. Jeff is a hero for doing his second tour of Iraq, for wanting to go back again.
Oh, you blew up a plane and killed thousands of innocent people with you?
You are NOT a hero.
You are NOT brave.
You do NOT have courage.
You are a coward to the utmost degree.
You would rather kill people than tell them what you believe in.
No wonder people don't always support the war. They are convinced that what our troops are trying to do is stop "heroes" from doing what they do. If you consider suicide bombers, and those that support them, brave, then you need a reality check.
Being martyred for your faith is way different than killing yourself for it. Only cowards and idiots do that.
We were talking about The Iliad, and heroes.
Then we started talking about suicide bombers...
and how "brave" and "courageous" they are.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Yes, they killed themselves for what they believe in. But that doesn't sound noble to me. That sounds dumb. It's so much easier to die for your faith than to live for your faith.
It it because of the suicide bombers and people like them that my brothers are in Iraq...protecting YOU and YOUR right to call suicide bombers "heroes".
My dad is a hero for daily facing people who make dumb choices. My Mom is a hero for living out her faith in a workplace that doesn't center on Christ. Brad is a hero for being brave enough to get in another Stryker after the one he was in blew up. Jeff is a hero for doing his second tour of Iraq, for wanting to go back again.
Oh, you blew up a plane and killed thousands of innocent people with you?
You are NOT a hero.
You are NOT brave.
You do NOT have courage.
You are a coward to the utmost degree.
You would rather kill people than tell them what you believe in.
No wonder people don't always support the war. They are convinced that what our troops are trying to do is stop "heroes" from doing what they do. If you consider suicide bombers, and those that support them, brave, then you need a reality check.
Being martyred for your faith is way different than killing yourself for it. Only cowards and idiots do that.
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