Home.

My home church called tonight, and I missed the call. But when I listened to the message, my face broke into a HUGE grin.

I called them back right away. When they answered, I literally jumped up and down. Three times.

There were thirty people or so crowded into Pastor's office, sitting around the desk to talk to me. They all took their turns saying "hi" and I responded to each of them with either a hi, an exclamation of joy, or a laugh.

Collin. Anna. Morgan. Janelle. Mom and Dad. The Thompsons. The Reeders. Oh, joy.

I was walking across campus, and when I got to the chapel, I sat on the pavement and just talked with them. I told them about the church I attend here, where people really worship and where God speaks to me about the same things that He is teaching me in my life personally. I told them how long I have until graduation (one and three quarters semester), how many classes I have left (three, plus student teaching), and what I was doing tonight (working at the desk). I told them I would be home in less than three months, that I would do my best to bring Thomas home with me, and that I could not WAIT to see them.

It was so encouraging, hearing that many people want to talk to me, to encourage me, to remind me that they love me (as Janelle said four or five times) and that they pray for me.

I can't stop smiling.

Mat-Su Miner baseball games with the youth, making T-shirts at Little Millers in Wasilla, writing random numbers on our shirts, wearing hard hats since they are the Miners. Painting Tyler's hair.

Mission Trips... SO much fun, but so different, one from the other.
Hawaii: tattoos, wetting the cave, singing in the vans, driving everywhere, rain, two-step dancers, the King's swimming hole, pork blood, dead frogs, prayer walking.
Florida. Leading, but not really. Mostly just hanging out with the youth, taking random pictures, spotting alligators, catching crabs, and rope swinging.

The amazing ladies. Writing letters to me all the time, in the competition; buying me ice-cream; praying for me; encouraging me. Loving me. Teaching me. Guiding me.

Then the girls - hanging out with them and their Mom, laughing until we almost cried at the pictures and videos we made. Melissa's Box of Fun. Smoothies.

My heart is so full, I might actually explode.

They always say that our church is one of a kind; that there is no other like it. I agree.

We didn't start going there until right before 10th grade, when Mom was out of town, and Dad I went. My high school math teacher was there. He was ordained as a deacon a few weeks later. "Cop Church," as Brad called it. He's right. I feel like I grew up at the church. I know I did, at least spiritually.

MYPD.
Rededicating Life.
Missions.
Teaching Sunday School and VBS.
Acteens.
Traveling to North Carolina, Hawaii, Florida, Juneau, and Anchorage.
Senior Citizen Centers.
Anchorage Homeless Shelter.
Singing Valentine Grams.
Being prayed over.
Being sent out to Oklahoma, Africa, and India.
Icecream fund raisers when I'm not even there.

Really, though - words can't express it all.

Nine Twenty-Three.

Remember when? Those were the days.

Remember when we dressed up, too? And, laughingly, I petrificus totalused you, right in the middle of the theater. We had wand fights, in our billowing robes, and your hair stayed black a lot longer than you hoped. People watched, and we made them guess who was who.

I was Hermione.

I made a cloak for Zoe also. She wore it for l'Halloween that year. I put a picture in my baby book and told Le Grand Escargot about it, I think.

Remember that he drove us in, and the car battery died, and it was snowy, and we wore our robes to stay warm? We were almost in a few car accidents that night, and we laughed a lot.

That feels like forever ago... lifetimes ago. Light-years ago, around the bend in the solar system, just out of sight, but like a tumor on my brain that grows in sadness and joy (at the same time) the more I remember it. The stars flit in and out of view as I see us, standing in a huddle at the theater, laughing about why we were dressed up again? Then a planet comes along, blocking us from view, as reality sets in again, and I realize that that... that was a long time ago. And we can't always - ever - go back there.

Huh, he said.

Porcelain.

This music makes me feel... kind of alone and vulnerable, but also capable. Strong. Able to do and be more than I was before. It makes me feel like traveling quickly down an incline plane, the wind rushing past me as I contemplate... everything. Life. Words. The meaning. <> And trees and death and truly living and the difference between it all.

It's called "Missing Piece Number One" by Roger Eno.

So many ways to interpret that. Missing: Piece Number One. [I'm] Missing Piece Number One. Missing Piece - Number One. So many meanings... which one is true?

I haven't decided if it matters or not.

It makes me want to take pictures, epic ones, ones that make people stop and think and just BE for a minute or two. That doesn't happen often enough in this crazy, busy, wonderful, scary world. I don't do that often enough. Just sitting at Braum's with favorite people made me antsy. Made me want to get up and move - do something - go somewhere - be someone.

The new Bible Study, "What Do You Do With Your Wait?", makes me think it's okay to wait. I know it's okay to wait. But seeing - Biblically - why waiting is fine and good and a learning experience is really interesting. Challenging. God's been doing a lot of that challenging stuff lately.

A Favorite: "Release" by Helen Jane Long.

Ironic. Porcelain. Breakable. Nothing can be fixed if it isn't broken first. Nothing can be born unless something dies.

Just So You Know.

You make me laugh.
A lot.

My face often hurts from smiling.

Ode To The Carburetor.

Oh Carburetor, we adore thee
Pumping fuel into our cars
The engine would seize without thee
Don't let us go into bars
Open cylinders of gladness
Let our hearts rejoice in speed
Without you cars run with madness
We will let you take the lead

How He Loves Us.

Last time I saw You, You had just knocked on my door. I was dressed up, reading for our time together. The door swung open while I was still at the top of our stairs, and You stepped inside smiling at me, beaming at me, so excited that I wanted to be with You.

You looked amazing. I couldn't take my eyes off of You. I tried looking away, embarrassed by the love that was so evident in Your eyes. And when I tried, Your gaze held my face anyway, holding it in place, freezing me.

As I walked down the stairs, You held out Your hand for me to take. As I looked at You, You whirled me out the door, spreading You arm to show me the scene beyond my front porch.

I looked.

And there... painted in the sky in indescribable shades, was the most beautiful sunset I ever saw, created just for me by You. The colors mixed, blending together to perfection, like Your smile, like Your love, like Your grace. It made my breath catch, seeing it, seeing You. You started laughing as You took in my look of joy and awe. Your laugh was brilliant, genuine, tinkling like a glass being tapped at a wedding reception so that the couple awkwardly kisses.

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.

Then I blinked, and things were different.

You still knocked on my door, and when I descended the stairs, You were there waiting. You showed me the sunset, and I was in awe. But then the sunset faded, and it was just You there. Just You.

I say "Just You"... but it was so much more. It was YOU. I am so unaware. I told You, "I want to be aware. I want to want You." You said, "Okay."

You withheld water, but I never thirsted for You.
You withheld food, but I never hungered for You.
You did great things, terrible, wonderful things, but I never cared.

I'm ready to thirst, to hunger, to care.
I'm ready, and though I'm scared...
You are still there, showing me the sunset, showing me Yourself.
You were so much more beautiful than the sunset. The Creator is greater than the created. Always.

So Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy, wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves me.

Grey Promenade.

I see how things have changed. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. I see looks of consternation and confusion, usually staring back at me in the mirror, unperturbed by the day's events. I see smiles, too often hidden until late at night.



Pandora: Bella's Lullaby Radio. Good study music. It makes me want to wear a long coat and walk down the foggy streets of London with my eyes closed so I can watch myself dance a ballet on a lonely stage in the spotlight. The audience has left for the night, returning to their flats that are full of light, but not love. Their flats that house fears and failures, where they are scared to show them to the world at large.

Oh wait, that was Oklahoma today.

I love this weather: drizzly, chilly enough to notice it, but not enough to really make you cold. The leaves are starting to fall, landing in piles that are soggy, sticking to the grass and sidewalk. I slushed through them in my rain boots on the way to and from class, giggling to myself when they stuck to me.

I'm sticking with you, because I'm made out of glue.

It will be a busy week, what with flag football starting (my goal this year is to not go to the Emergency Room), my portfolio due, things to mail, and projects and tests. Piaget. American Girl.

Orange construction cones are littering the campus and our apartment with reminders of care-free days and eternal sunshine.

Like A Kid Again.

It rained all day today. I got the urge to Slip N' Slide.

Emily came to take pictures, and Sherrod slipped and slid with me and another girl. We ran all over campus, finding the best puddles (by West U and Agee) and going at it. I fail at sliding into them, Superman style, and usually opt instead for falling on my knees. Consequently, I have grass burns on my shins and somehow on my back as well.

We ate ice-cream afterward and watched "Man vs. Wild."
Survival Tip Number 1: When you find a freezing cold raging river, you should strip down until you are completely naked and wade across.
Survival Tip Number 2: If you need your skiis to grip better, pee on them.
Survival Tip Number 3: If you find an abandoned cabin, don't stay there! Keep walking.
Survival Tip Number 4: When building a raft out of deb-ree, make sure the barrel you are using does not, in fact, have a hole in it.
Survival Tip Number 5: Don't speak too quickly about the quality of said raft.

The Giver. Lois Lowry.

"But anyway, I was thinking, I mean feeling, actually, that it was kind of nice, then. And that I wish we could be that way, and that you could be my grandparent. The family in the memory seemed a little more - " He faltered, not able to find the word he wanted.

"A little more complete," The Giver suggested.

Jonas nodded. "I like the feeling of love," he confessed. He glanced nervously at the speaker on the wall, reassuring himself that no one was listening. "I wish we still had that," he whispered. "Of course," he added quickly, "I do understand that it wouldn't work very well. And that it's much better to be organized the way we are now. I can see that it was a dangerous way to live."

"What do you mean?"

Jonas hesitated. He wasn't certain, really, what he had meant. He could feel that there was risk involved, tough he wasn't sure how. "Well, he said finally, grasping for an explanation, "they had fire burning in the fireplace. And there were candles on a table. I can certainly see why those things were outlawed.

"Still," he said slowly, almost to himself, "I did like the light they made. And the warmth." (126)

It's official: Thanksgiving with Grandma and Grandpa!!!!!

Can't wait.
Oh heck.

"How's living in the half-way house?"

Mind Change.

I remembered tonight why I like OBU. And it really isn't because of OBU. It's because of Mission Center.

Kathleen wasn't at home when we went to her house, but her Mom dropped her and Madison off at the building. When I arrived, Kathleen saw me and literally yelled my name and ran to me. I caught her in my arms, spun her around, gave her a HUGE hug, and talked with her. Oh, that girl... third grade, in the top 5% of the nation. So amazingly sweet, funny, and caring. I love her and will miss her terribly. We even got to talk to her mom for a while.

I just... man.
I got a letter from Sydni today. At the VERY end, she wrote, "'Take courage! As you have testified about me in Jerusalem, so you must also testify in Rome.' - Acts 23:11B... Why God has you where He has you!" And I mean, that just hit me.

I may not want to be at OBU. But there is a reason I am: so that I can testify about Him. Who am I, really, to decide where I want to be and when, when the God I serve is so much bigger and greater?!

Here.

I managed my time very well today.
Class was fun: movies in both, plus an art project, presentation, and discussion.
Lunch, then workout.
Homework.
Printing things.
Filling out paperwork.
Meetings.
Bible Study.

Bible Study.

America's Got Talent. If I were on the show, what would I do? Paint something, maybe. Fall off a longboard. Teach.

I don't want to be here. I am frustrated, tired, and annoyed.
And I can tell that it hurts people when I say that, but I don't know what else to say.

Jon Foreman. Your Love Is Strong.

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Chorus (3x):
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

(Chorus 3x)

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

A List of Blessings on a Wednesday Afternoon:

- Hanging out with Crab Hat Girl yesterday, taking fun pictures and talking.
- Getting mail today: letter from Grandma and a surprise from Alaska. I had to play Rock Paper Scissors with the mail room guy, and win two out of three, so that he would look for my package.
- Lunch with Sarah!
- Hearing my watch tick.
- Getting to cook dinner tonight.
- Making an alphabet book in class today.
- And I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all.
- Portfolio.
- OCBF time this weekend!! Party it up! ha. No, but really, I am SO excited.
- Skype.
- Feta cheese is so good.
- Biscuits and gravy for dinner tonight! And eggs. And fruit. And cookies from B-Street for dessert!