Midnight Conversations.

Thoughts and memories can instantly turn bitter, leaving that lasting residue in your mouth of regret and pain. I wear my heart on my sleeve, to echo the cliche that clogs our world. One look at my face and you generally will know exactly what I am thinking.

Where was I one year ago? Two years ago?

A very different place than where I am now, far away, hidden in the shades of a life that I would soon like to forget, but a life I am destined to live with merely because that's how life is.

Countdown.

Sixteen blessed days from now I will be en route to Alaska. Oh happy, happy day. In honor of those 16 days, here are 16 things I am thankful for:

1. A lovely weekend spent at my grandparent's house in Oregon: "sleeping in" until 8am, the smell, marking my height on the door, sewing.
2. Frequent flier miles.
3. Cell-phones and being able to call people I really care about to talk about nonsensical things.
4. My car. I am SO thankful for my car.
5. Christmas. All of it.
6. Packages in the mail, even if you only get them because you ordered stuff on-line.
7. Christmas music on Pandora, and the ability to skip the Chipmunks songs.
8. Job interview this week. Exciting, but nerve wracking!
9. Visiting my 8th graders this morning, just to take a picture, and seeing their excited reactions when I walked through the door.
10. Skype. I am very thankful for Skype.
11. Really fun shoes that add to my teacher outfits.
12. Being able to run (2.5 miles yesterday. My goal is 4 by the time I come home.)
13. Water. It's yummy.
14. Making plans for when I go home: snow shoeing, poster contest, sister time, shooting, sledding, movies, IHOP...
15. Getting the grade back on my Math Methods PK-3 unit about dinosaurs.
16. The socks my grandma made that I've been wearing lately. So warm and comforting.

Interview on Thursday with Stone Bridge Academy.
No.
Way.

Stone Bridge.

Ha. God surprises me. I love it.
I thought, "Surely Journeyman or teaching in the Bush. That's what I'll do, come May 15th. It'll be good. Epic and fun."

And then.

Coffee with Sarah on Friday. She said, "I have a job prospect for you!" and out comes a brochure for Stone Bridge Academy, opening next fall in Okmulgee. "My brother-in-law is the principal and I told him all about you. He wants to see your resume. You should apply."

Ha.

So. I just sent in my resume.

Come Home.

Dang. Maybe I do want to do Journeyman.
It's just so confusing.

I'm being pulled in two different directions.

Alaska: family, friends, Eskimo village, home, home, change but familiarity, mountains, adventure

Journeyman: uncertainty, adventure, new friends, trust, growth, dependence on God like never before

To Me, You Are.

My Father who art in heaven. Hallowed be His name!
He teaches me things.
He is the stump.
From Him all things grow, flourish, and find life. He births, sustains, ends.

Be all, end all.

Singer over my soul, refresher of my breath, strengthener of my legs.
He never gives up on me.
He never lets go of me.

He's calling me - beckoning - for me to step out.
To take that leap.
That jump from the top of the fridge into His arms; away from the wall and into the music with Him; across the wobbly bridge to where He stands, eagerly waiting for me.
He rejoices over me, my Redeemer and Lover.

He is.
He is beyond compare, beyond description. The letters in the English language cannot spell out a word amazing enough, wonderful enough, beautiful enough for Him. Twenty-six little letters cannot do the Lord and Maker of the Universe justice.
I stand before Him, awe-struck, confused, and humbled and the words I attempt to utter fall short. My heart harbors ill-will, discouragement, bitterness, anger, smugness. All He wants is my heart.

The great thing about God is that I don't have to clean up my act before I come to Him. He accepts me now, broken and lonely. He takes me under His wing, and because He loves me, He doesn't leave me like that.

This week. This week has been hard. This world is challenging, but my God is greater still. He is greater still.

John 16:33 "I have told you this so that through me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but be courageous-I have overcome the world."

This just in: Medical clearance for J-Man.

This could happen.

Wow.
Something is stirring in me; as of yet, I am unsure as to what it is. Do I even like it?

From Tuesday: A Tuesday Tribute.

I just returned home after coffee with a friend I hadn't seen or spoken to much in about 6 months. It was good - and it's funny how God uses my own words (His words spoken through me) to speak to me.



Melinda:

I appreciate your willingness to serve God, your desire to be used by Him, regardless of where He wants you to go. I value you: You clearly just want to follow Him. When you were deterred from Journeyman, you lost a lot of steam, but you haven't lost all hope. You have goals and dreams: reach for them. Move in that direction.

God has you waiting for a reason. Look for that reason. Allow this time to prepare you.

What you are doing now will prepare you. I promise. You are loving people, working with people, serving people, becoming more you. No matter what your future holds, you will be prepared because you are becoming more Christ-like.

I'm proud of you, proud to call you friend.

Thank you, that on my birthday in 2008, you were there. Thanks for going to the movies with me, ordering pizza with me, making crowns with me. Thanks. That really meant a lot to me. I felt like everyone had left, but they hadn't. You were still there.

Did I ever tell you how much I appreciated that? Because I really did.

Harvest Court.

Mm. Finally cold outside. Blustery, as I sit on my couch watching the trees sway, lashing like hair flipped coolly over a shoulder.


Harvest Court made my heart soar with surprise and delight, shock and disbelief, humility and blessings. Best All Around. Who knew?
Not me.

I see my shortcomings, and God is working on them in me. Especially last night. Ezekiel 3:14 "The Spirit then lifted me up and took me away, and I went in bitterness and in the anger of my spirit with the strong hand of the Lord on me."

Man. I have harbored so much bitterness and anger in my spirit regarding J-Man. I have been resistant, completely closed off. A locked gate leading to blessing. Opening the gate, however, means being open to great change and difficulty - the laying down of my will, the pouring out of my perfume...again. Not that that should surprise me. I mean, the Word says that that will happen. God is always faithful. And yet, the next time it happens, I am hesitant again.

Does that ever change?

Texting Conversation I Had Last Night With A Boy I Don't Know Who Had The Wrong Number And Lives In Washington.

"Hey this is Chris. Do you think I have a chance with Amy?"

"Yeah, go for it! What do you have to lose?"

"But do you think I have a chance?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

"Will you find out?"

"What?"

"Will you ask her if I have a chance?"

"I don't have her number."

"Yes you do."

"No, I don't. I lost it."

"This is Hannah, right?"

"No, I go to school in Oklahoma."

"No you don't."

"Wanna bet?"

"I can't prove it."

[insert picture of me] "Now you know."

"You married? You're really pretty."

"Thanks, my boyfriend THE PILOT thinks so, too."

Two Weeks In Africa. Caedmon's Call.

I was that girl.

Dear Mean Person Who Egged My Car:

Why?
Jealous of the Alaska license plates? You should be.
But really, thank you.

Thank you for not slashing my tires, keying my car, breaking my headlights, funneling the gas out of my tank, or attempting to break in. I don't understand you, but that's okay. Maybe you were bored. Or drunk. Or saw something you didn't like on facebook. Maybe I know who you are. I think I might.

Bud, Not Buddy.

by Christopher Paul Curtis

“When you make up your mind to do something, hurry up and do it. If you wait you might talk yourself out of what you wanted in the first place.” (27)

So true. Over thinking is the enemy of bravery.

“It’s funny how ideas are, in a lot of ways they’re just small like seeds. Both of them start real, real small and then…woop, zloop, sloop…before you can say Jack Robinson they’ve gone and grown a lot bigger than you ever thought they could.” (91)

I had a small idea of being a teacher. I love my 8th graders. They make me laugh everyday. They tell the best stories and just want their voices to be heard. I'm glad I stuck with the class after my first hard day.

“If you didn’t have a real good imagination you’d probably think those noises were the sounds of some kid blowing a horn for the first time, but I knew better than that. I could tell those were the squeaks and squawks of one door closing and another one opening.” (235)

Doors. One door closed (thank goodness) in Chicago this summer. It was about time. Because it closed, another opened. Those squeaks and squawks were hard to identify as a blessing at the time but they so were.

Reading Methods Poems.

I wish my laundry was done.
I wish my 8th graders listened better.
I wish I could run further, faster.
I wish I was in Alaska.
I wish I had found dress pants today.
I wish You would just tell me what to do already.
I wish my parents felt better.
I wish I could see my pictures.
I wish my computer wasn't broken.

I wish You would just tell me what to do already
Because then we could stop this guessing game.
I would move in the right direction,
No longer allowing doubt and apprehension to cloud my vision,
Spiderwebs covering a doorway
Blocking your path until you stumble through it.
I would still cling tightly to Your hand, wouldn't I?

Gray is my future, a rain cloud,
And it's pouring on my roof.
But still Your blood pours red;
It encourages me to cling to You.
White was Your smile when I proclaimed,
"I want to know You more."
Your purple robe fills the temple
Where I pour out my perfume for You,
Clear and holy
Given in sacrifice to You.

I feel like trepidation
As I watch You walk in front of me,
Next to me,
Behind me,
All around me.
I hear Your voice beckoning
And it scares me.
Cripples me.
An insect caught in a web.
I taste Your love and
I let it linger on my tongue.
I savor it.
Your goodness and mercy fill my soul.
I feel peace - finally peace -
As I continue to wait for You.

In.

In 43 days, I will be for Christmas and January.
In 20 days, I will be in Oregon for Thanksgiving.
In 14 week days, I will be done with my practicum.