My Stomach Is In Knots.

First week of classes. It's been a hard one.

Overwhelming, to say the least, but all of the WMU RAs, and Jessica, have been feeling it, too. Seems like all I've done this week is go to class, do homework, talk to girls on my hall, and sleep. With some eating and showering in there, and a workout or two.

And right now...I feel like crying.

I just feel so... so... so in over my head.
I mean, I have 16 credits, plus I am an RA, plus I am co-chairing Mission Center, plus I have a life and I want to work out, plus I have homework, work, friends, and I want time to just RELAX and be by myself. But that will be a rare occurence this semester.

What ever. I feel like I'm so over it.
But I can't be.

And it's like... everything has to be on everyone else's schedule. Meetings for Mission Center... the interview... even hanging out with my boyfriend.

For once, I want to dictate something.

Weekend.

This has been a fantastic weekend. Very... filling and fulfilling.

Yesterday was the CML retreat. And now... I realize that leading Mission Center is a bg deal, but I'm really excited about it. Something that Tony Tyler said that struck me was that every kid in Oklahoma City has a story. They all have a life story that will always be with them. And to think that we have the opportunity to play a part in their story, however small and insignificant or big and impressive it may be, it amazing. To think that God gives us the opportunities to make their stories better... to fill their stories with more love... that's amazing to me. What story do we need to impress upon them? The story of the cross. They need to see that story in our lives, lived out, loved out.

Hanging out with Kim on Saturday was nice. Lunch at Benedict Street, then Old Navy.

I saw Dr. Armond at Benedict St. and he mentioned my shooting pictures on facebook... awkward... but really really really funny.

I spent my gift cards and got... black dress pants, a light green dress shirt, a green sweater, an orange and white striped shirt, a black clutch, and a white and blue striped night shirt, which, when I went to the bathroom this morning before my shower, a girl thought was a regular dress. She thought it was cute, and thought that I was wearing it to church. :)

And church this morning... The best I've been to in a long time. The church I usually go to here, Calvary, is nice. The people are friendly enough... but no one seems like a really mature Christian. No one seems excited about what they're doing. It seems like they're all just like, "Oh, church again..." and I don't like that.

But this morning...
I went with Kelly, Bruno, Tom, Danielle, Taylor, Galend, Kyle, Ashley and Danielle's brother and cousin to LifeChurch in Edmond. They go there every week, and I decided to join them. The people there... they knew. They knew that it's real - that God is real and that we can have a real relationship with Him. I mean, I saw people raising their hands in praise, down on their knees... I saw a man with one arm raise his arm, eyes closed, singing at the top of his lungs.
And isn't that what church is about? It's about being there - being real before God, being vulnerable with our arms out, eyes closed. It's about meaning what you're singing about, being sincere in worship, not holding back. That's what's been missing in my church experience. That realness.

Classes start tomorrow. I am excited and intimidated about this semester. It will be fun - classes, observing, RAing, Mission Center... but I know it will be busy. Lots of time managament will have to come into play.

Also - "Here (In Your Arms)" by hellogoodbye makes me laugh.

New To Do List.

About a year ago, I wrote a life to-do list... a wish list for my life, if you will. And...I have a new one. I don't know how similar it is or will be to my last one, but I guess we'll see.

1. Get married.
2. Vacation in a beach house in North Carolina with my husband.
3. Backpack through Europe.
4. Volunteer at an orphanage in Africa.
5. Become a teacher.
6. Have children.
7. Make my own family traditions.
8. Take my kids out of school for a day to go to an amusement park.
9. Kiss in the rain.
10. Send a message in a bottle.
11. Send an unsuspected love/appreciation letter.
12. Jump off of a rope swing into the water.
13. Spend a week camping in the woods with my friends.
14. Watch the sunset on a beach then stay up all night and watch the sunrise.
15. Own a really big dog.
16. Own something Chanel.
17. Write or draw something on the side of the highway in Alaska with white rocks.
18. Sell something on ebay.
19. Scream that I love someone at the top of my lungs.
20. Pay for someone else's dinner.
21. Sleep outside, under the stars.
22. Steal the Krauss Rd. street sign in Oregon.
23. Go hunting...and shoot something...and eat it.
24. Make a collage of what's important to me.
25. Sew an entire outfit.
26. Swim in the ocean at night.

I'm Coming Home.

Mm... my girls are coming back.
I love it. I love seeing them and hearing them and... ah. I love it.

It's like... THIS is it. This is the reason I am here. I can't believe I had to think so much about being an RA next year.

It just seems like this is...this is what I'm here for. I am here to be an RA. I mean, that isn't my ultimate reason for being here, but it's part of it. If I wasn't in this position, I don't know what I would do. I can't imagine not being an RA now.

My girls are coming back.
Yay.

Morals Are Dumb.

I am bored.
One more hour of sitting at the desk, then I am free to go play racquetball again...with Kelly and 7 foreign boys. Ha.

This is the giraffe I made for my education class.


I'm wearing plaid shoes today. :) And I got plaid shorts... and plaid underwear... this weekend with Ashley. And we spent a lot of time at the Disney Store. I loved it.

I need to write people letters, but I have no stamps.

I wanted to drop out of college today. It's really... expensive. Books for this next semester cost over $400.00, and I still owe close to $800 for J-Term. I wanted to drop out and... I don't know what I would do.

Maybe just live in a box. In Florida. On the beach. Be nice and tan and homeless and eat out of a trashcan. Maybe grow some dreds. And play a bongo drum. And bead purses to sell to people - tourists, really. And maybe, maybe, I will make enough purses and earn enough money to one day buy myself a little house.

Or. Maybe I will stall in school so that I can be a teacher and help little kids one day.

Gosh. Stupid morals.

Love.

Want It.

You have to want it.
It has to overtake all of your senses.
It has to push you to action, forsaking the pain and the inconvenience and the sleep that you really really want.

It has to mean something to you.
You have to live, eat, sleep, and breathe it, without letting it completely take over your life because in the end, you still have to know who you are.

You have to be dedicated.
You have to be serious in your dedication - there can be no half-hearted attempt.

You have to want it.
You have to want it.

Life.

Life...Is Good. And so is God.

C'est le fin.

I Found Myself.

So the other day I got an e-mail from a really good friend.
And she said something that made me stop in my tracks and think.
She said, "You read Captivating, right? A woman seeks to be desired, but she needs to let that be fulfilled by God before she can let a man take that place in her life. Ohterwise you'll end up running in circles."

And wow.

I have read Captivating. And I remember being blown away by that part. But then I guess I forgot, because I started letting a man take that place, rather than God. And because of that, I doubted my relationship with him a lot... I got jealous very easily and... it just wasn't good.

So God and I spent a lot of time talking about it this weekend.

And last night, I was like, "God, just show me how You see me. Show me who I am in Your eyes."

So I started flipping through my Bible, and I got to Song of Songs.

It says, "You're so beautiful, my darling, so beautiful, and your dove eyes are veiled by your hair as it flows and shimmers... your smile is generous and full... you're beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless... you've captured my heart, dear friend. You looked at me and I fell in love. One look my way and I was hopelessly in love!... Your beauty is too much for me - I'm in over my head... There's no one like her on earth, never has been, never will be. She's a woman beyond compare. My dove is perfection... Your beauty, within and without, is absolute... I found you under the apricot tree, and woke you to love..."

And oh my gosh.

I started to cry and laugh at the same time, so full of joy that God had answered my prayer just like THAT. I read almost the whole book, substituting my name in, just soaking in the love He has for me that I had been neglecting for so long.

I thought about how He did find me under the tree. When I was broken, kneeling at His tree - His son's cross - that's when we found eachother.

But then, Satan, being Satan, came in. And he was all, "Melissa... God meant that for every girl but you. You don't deserve His love, His promises... nothing. You're worthless."

Then God, being God, stepped up. And He said, "Melissa... I do love you. These words ARE for you. Choose Me. Choose to believe. Choose Me. Please."

Then I started praying out loud, saying, "Right now, I choose to believe. I choose to believe God's promises of finding me under the tree... His promise that He is hopelessly in love with me... His promise that He is enthralled and captivated by me. I choose to believe. I choose to believe."

And I told Satan to go away and leave me alone. And he has.


So I found myself again last night, right where I should have been the whole time... right in the middle of God's love. And that's where I want to stay. That's where I need to stay.

Only He can fill the holes... the holes of longing... only He can.

And right now, I only want Him to.

Barlow Girl.

This is officially one of my favorite youtube videos of all time.

These Hands.

I decided what my favorite thing about myself is.
It took a long time, but I have now decided and I am confident in my choice.

My favorite thing about myself is...

My hands.

I have a love/hate relationship with them.
I mean, they are so big - as big as my brothers', my dad's, and my boyfriend's. I have, in fact, never found a girl with bigger hands than my own. And I hate them for that. I want the cute little hands that just get swallowed by my boyfriend's...the kind that just disappear when he holds my hand.

But mine don't.

Instead, they are a perfect fit inside of his.

But that's not the only reason I like them.

With my hands, I can palm a basketball (yes, yes I can). I can make freaking sweet scrapbook pages. I can write letters to people I love. I can carry kids at Mission Center and tie their shoes and help them with craft projects. I can play a few songs on my guitar. I can make necklaces and mold things out of play-doh. I can give good backrubs and braid hair.

With my hands, I have carried a cross, literally and figuratively. I have prayed with girls that were broken and sobbing and in dire need of love. I have opened a Bible and led people to Christ. With my hands, I have handed out waterbottles on a beach in Florida. I have painted and sanded a church in Hawaii. I have picked out toys to fill shoeboxes that went to kids I don't even know and will never know. I have given food to homeless people. I have touched little kids, even though I didn't know the last time they had changed their clothes or been given a bath.

With my hands, I have challenged someone to a pants off dance off. I have applauded for someone I love during (illegal) Twin Fights. I have chosen a beta for a gift exchange at church. I have made name tags for doors on my hall out of paint samples and star-shaped hole punches.

With my hands, I have covered my face and felt my tears. I have opened presents and felt blessed. I have made a birthday dinner and dessert. I have lifted my hands to God even when they felt tired. I have used them to take off my shoes so that I could give them to someone who would send them overseas to someone who needed them much more than I did.

My hands.
My long, slender, elegant fingers...so perfect for the piano (as I am told) and so perfect for so much more...My new callouses, my short nails that I used to bite all the time, my damaged nail from Flag Football in August...My big palms that tense up during racquetball and sometimes hurt for no reason...My knuckles that barely hold my rings on...The various freckles I have, and the freckles that are still to come...

How could I have ever hated them?

These hands...
They do so much more than I thought possible. They've shown me what life is...how I can bring life and hope to others.

These hands...
These hands.

Let That Be Enough. Please.

Right now, this is me.
How I feel.
How I think.
What I feel.
What I think.

I've just been...

I don't know.

It's like I've just BEEN...
Nothing special.

Like I'm not special.

I just want it to be enough...
Whatever IT is.

"Dang It! I Got Eaten Again!"

When Kelly and I worked out today, after playing racquetball, we went upstairs to the "hardcore workout area".

They have rowing machines up there that are really cool.

So we sit down at the rowing machines, and I see this button called "Fish Game". So obviously, I clicked it. And no joke. There is a game where you are a fish, and you have to eat little fish while avoiding the sharks. And however hard you row, that determines how high or low your fish moves.

It's awesome.

So we played a couple of games, and man, I dominated the second game.

Wedding Vs. Marriage.

It amazes me - AMAZES ME - how couples will spend countless hours and hundreds of thousands of dollars on their dream wedding... but hardly seem to put any thought into the actual marriage.

I don't have huge dreams for my wedding...when it eventually happens. I mean, I want to look beautiful. I want it to be nice. I want everyone to have fun.

But I'm more concerned about what happens after the wedding - about the marriage that takes place.

The wedding is important - the wedding dress, the flowers, the food, the music. But to me, the marriage is even more important.

Today.

Kristin drove in today from Okmulgee. We spent the day untaggling jewelry at American Eagle, smelling yummy things at Bath and Body Works, and looking at random clothes. I bought lots of food and stuff at WalMart that I need for this semester/year. Very good.

Shuan, Brent, Sarah, and Richard were here in Oklahoma this weekend looking at Shaun's car. But he never called or stopped by to say hi. I'm a little sad about that. I know, it's only been three days. But still. I don't know.

I got some suhweet gloves at American Eagle. And an amazingly awesome journal from the Hallmark store. It's red... and (red).

Really?

Really?
WHY do I do that?
It makes me miserable. Makes my stomach clench up. Makes me feel like crap.

Sometimes, I don't use the brain God gave me. Sometimes I try to act without consulting it. I really should knock it off.

It's The Same When Nothing Else Is.

This time last year, I was so sold on going to Africa.

And now I'm not.

Why? What's changed? What's happened to make things different?

I just read entries from January of last year, and one of them was all about wanting to open an orphanage/boarding school in Africa for girls. When did that dream stop being so exciting? And now, as I think about it again, why do I have knots and butterflies in my stomach? Why do I have the urge to get on a plane and go - somewhere - anywhere - and make a difference? Why do I think it's weird to have that urge?

I thought I didn't care about Africa anymore. And yeah, it made me sad, but I thought it was because I just want to teach.

But Africa...

I still want it.
I still want to make positive changes in the lives of the beautiful people living there. I still want to hold the chldren dying of AIDS and offer them hope. I still want to braid ladies' hair and tell them that prostitution isn't the only way out of poverty, that in the end, it will make them feel even more dead. I still want to give a cow to a hungry farmer so he can give his family milk and cheese, and meat later down the road.

I thought those desires were gone.
But they aren't. They're still there - hidden and hurt under lots of neglect and a hardened heart. They're there, but I have to start taking the time to examine them, to pray about them, to think and dream and plan.

I thought my desires had changed. I thought I had changed.
But...I haven't.
Africa hasn't, either.

Addison Road.

So.
2008.
Crazy.

I have quite a few resolutions this year, and I really want to fulfill each of them.

I want to change...for the good.
I want to impact people...for the good.

I want...to live freely.

It's so weird how I live in America - the epitome of freedom - but don't live my life that way. It's like, I get so freaking bogged down by comparing myself and doubting myself and I'm sick of it. I want to be so free and so...alive that people just see it and feel it. You know?

Driving back to OBU today, before Shaun's car broke and everything (that's another story for another time), I was listening to The House FM, and a song by Addison Road came on, called "All That Matters" that kind of explains how I feel now:

I may never be the one that gets a second glance
I may never be the one they call the prettiest
But that’s alright with me

And maybe I don’t follow every crazy passion
Spend all my time trying to get a good reaction
But that’s ok with me

This world is like a trampoline
High and low no in between
Jumping at the chance to please
Everyone but that’s not me

Cause all that matters is
All that matters is
I know your love has set me free
And that’s all that matters to me

Some people tell me to step out and do my own thing
And others say I got to blend in just to be the same
And stop being me

But this shallow world is no longer what I’m made of
I’ve been changed by grace
I’ve been saved by love
What more do I need

My life comes from the One
Who made the stars and brought the sun
He loves me more than these
So I don’t need another identity

My Brothers.

Well.

Chrstmas was good. It was awesome being with my brothers again.





It was the first time my whole family was together - the five of us - in YEARS.