August.

Goodbye, August. You passed quickly, just like the months before you.

You passed with rays of mountain climbing, henna, and friends. Dates, Pictures, and Tie-Dye filled your days with laughter.

Oh, August.
Must you leave already? I feel like we were just getting to know each other.

A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me.

Chris read this poem for me last night:

"A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me" by Derrick Brown

Man, God.
You really challenged me yesterday. Thanks. But this is hard.

Help me to trust You.

God, You know that I just finished reading "Understanding God's Will" by Kyle Lake. And the message in chapel yesterday mirrored that exactly. Remind me. Remind me, Oh God, when I forget, that becoming like You is more important than seeing a blueprint of my life.

Then last night, Most High God, reminding me to worship You as Promise Keeper, not for the promises You give. Help me to seek You, not what you are holding in Your right hand. You matter more.

And You love more.

You love more.

Thank You. Thank You for never forgetting my birthday, for writing me an entire book of love poetry, for painting me a sunset last night and a sunrise this morning. '

Thank You for creating my eyes - help me to see the need and pain around me. Thank You for my ears - help me to listen (REALLY listen) when people speak. Thank You for my hands - help me to use them to serve You and to love others.

Challenge me, oh God. I want to yearn for You.

Sidewalk Prophets. The Words I Would Say.

Welcome Week was so much fun.
- Move-In Day, hauling girls' belongings up flights of stairs for them. "We Love 4th Floor! We Love 4th Floor! We Love 4th Floor!"
- Run-In, dressed as a ballerina. Setting a new school record: 34 minutes.
- Meeting our Tri-W group. Love them. All so much fun, so sweet.
- Book Discussions with Dr. Faught. Discussing how I've changed since freshman year, when I had him for New Testament.
- New Student Simulation. We got 2nd place. Ha. Everyone did who didn't win.
- Serve Shawnee. Awesome group painting downtown, talking about people from home, trips over the summer, and God.
- Unity Gathering. Wind blowing candles out, and people flocking to the light. So perfect.
- Ka-Rip Wars: GO KHAKI!!
- The Walk. Man. Crazy that this is my last year to watch the freshman walk, unless I am a creeper in the future. I will be taking that walk again this spring, in my cap and gown.

Senior.
Melissa J. Krauss, Senior.
I don't know how I feel about that. It's a little scary.
I feel... contemplative. My stomach is in knots, and I'm not sure why.

I will never be the same. It will never again be this moment, this time in history, this hour of this day of this month in this year. Never. I'm trying to learn to live in the moment, to embrace where I am whenever I am there, to live with no regrets, not looking back or focusing on the future, but being content where I am, when I am there. You know?

Romans 5:8.

Back at OBU, settled in my new apartment with Dani and Emily, waiting for Megan to come. It's a nice apartment, and it makes us feel mature to be cooking our own meals. Fajitas last night, then for lunch today: egg scramble deliciousness. I am finally unpacked, unsure as to how I got so many articles of clothing. It took awhile, but everything has a place.

Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (NIV)

Romans 5:6-8 "Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him." (The Message)

I mean, wow.
While I was still a sinner - not that I'm not anymore - but while I was still unaware, still naive of who God is, He sent His Son for me. He loved me more. And that's a really nice thing to realize this semester, this week, today, this hour and this minute.

See Through.

I had breakfast with two amazing girls at McDonald's today, then brunch with an amazing woman who blessed me so much.

Transparency is good. You can't have transparency without vulnerability, and being vulnerable is pretty difficult sometimes.

I am so blessed.
But my heart feels... heavy.

I feel like, when I return to OBU, things will change and will never be the same. It scares me a little. It makes me a little sad, a little reflective, like I need to hold back a little. Hold back what, I don't know: my emotions? my thoughts? my words?

Fearless.

Faith > Fear
Love > Fear

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives our fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Chris called me "fearless" the other day, and he was about as far from correct as you can get. I am fearful. I am so scared: Scared of doing God's will whole-heartedly. Scared of getting hurt. Scared of being alone. Scared of living with regrets.

I was thinking about all of this while Mom and I were at church for the 24 Hours of Prayer. I was thinking about how there is so much that people fear. And how fear, if it is not fear of the Lord, leads to death.

I've been listening to some songs lately: "Fearless" by Taylor Swift and "Fearless" by Building 429.

Taylor Swift's song addresses how a boy's love makes her fearless. And yet... human love is tainted. It's broken, selfish, incomplete. It doesn't solve anything. It leaves you wanting more, wanting things to be different.

But Building 429.

I don’t understand
No I can’t comprehend
This power that draws me to you
But I know for the cross
I’ll consider all lost
In an effort to tell of the truth

That the world may know
That the world may know
That you have been heaven sent to us
That the world may see
That the captives are free
For you have been heaven sent to us

I’ll be fearless for You
I’ll be fearless for You
Take me I’m Yours
I’ll be fearless for You

All the times that I’ve failed
When my doubt has prevailed
These are the moments I’m giving to you
Cause I can’t be ashamed
No I can’t fear the pain
When it comes time to be living proof

So the world may see
That the captives are freed
‘Cause you have been heaven sent to us

Unwilling to bend
Unwilling to break
Headstrong I’ll stand
No matter what it takes

Being fearless for God is something else all together. God's love... God's perfect love... makes you complete, whole. God's love changes things: it leads to forgiveness, reconciliation, a recognition that you are important and that you matter. God's love was sent to the cross for my brokenness, my humanity.

So, fearless. What is that? What does it mean? How can I live a fearless life? When there is so much that scares me, that intimidates me, how can I surrender all that I am and all that I have to God so that I can dance, fully free, in His love? And the thing is, it really does come down to surrender. I learned a lot this summer about pouring out my perfume (as in John 12:4). And it isn't until I begin to horde my perfume again, rather than sacrificing it in worship, that I become fearful.

And yeah, it's easier to live in fear, I think, than to live surrendered. But that's because we live in a fallen world. And while it is easier to live in that state, it isn't as... fulfilling. So, I'm going to suck it up. I'm going to continue to pour out my perfume, and I'm going to life fearless.

So Interesting.

Return to OBU in T-7 days.

He PASSED! I knew he would. Yay.

It bothers me when people go to church, and rather than participate in the prayer service, they stand in the back talking loudly. It also bothers me when people "really want to hang out while you're home!!!" then don't.

Hiking = fantastic. We went to Archangel yesterday. Wet feet. Big rocks. Empty trucks. Abandoned cabins. Many little forest critters. Reminiscing.

Maybe I stay up too late. But maybe I'm okay with that. It's just so interesting, really, how it works.

Tuesday Tribute.

My Grandma

- writes the best letters in the world.
- agrees to take fun pictures with me.
- is the most beautiful woman I have ever met.
- laughs at my jokes.
- wakes up early to make breakfast when we visit.
- likes to travel in their 5th wheel.
- tells me about meeting and dating Grandpa.
- encourages me.
- sews awesome things.
- lets me borrow her jewelry.
- makes me laugh with her observations of people.
- dresses like a rock star.
- was just as excited as me about Mood.
- tells the best stories about growing up poor.
- never pities herself, even when her arm is hurting.
- has a little annoying dog, but she loves him anyway.
- likes me even though I like dinosaurs.
- cries when we show up for a visit because we'll be leaving soon.
- took me blackberry picking when I was younger.
- put iron-on pictures on sweatsuits for me.
- is a great cook.
- measures my height on a door in their dining room.
- loves Jesus a lot.
- let me play with Barbie dolls when I visited her.
- doesn't look half her age.

This is my Tuesday Tribute to my Grandma, one of the best, fiercest, most lovable woman I have ever known. Thanks, Grandma, for being a great example.

It's been a "Twilight" soundtrack kind of day. Quite nice, really.

Jealous.

Names are important. Through a name, you learn the very substance that makes something what it is. In India, when we met our translators, we were encouraged to tell them what our names mean. "Melissa" translates to "Honey Bee" in Greek.

God is jealous for me. That's what He said: "I've been jealous for you." Last night I was praying, thinking about this, and turned to my Bible. Exodus. Exodus 34:14 says that God's very name is "Jealous."

His name is Jealous.

Jealous: inclined to or troubled by suspicions or fears of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims; solicitous or vigilant in maintaining or guarding something; Bible. intolerant of unfaithfulness or rivalry.

Not usually how I view God. And yet... He is. He IS jealous.
Jealous of my time, energy, love, passion.
Jealous to be the One that matters most to me.
Jealous to be my Everything.




Will I keep making Him jealous?

Short Arms.

While talking to Chris on Tuesday night, I learned he fractured the growth plate in his right arm when he was younger. Luckily, it healed correctly, but if it had not, he would have had one arm much shorter than the other. He asked if I would hold his short-arm hand.

Yesterday at work, we were discussing what was causing the power flickering. My hypothesis was that dinosaurs were ravaging the city of Palmer. The others did not agree. Then Rachel went with me on it, and we talked about what to do in case a dinosaur ever chased us. Should we climb a tree? Run? Play dead? Depends on the dinosaur, we decided. Then Rachel said that if it was a T-Rex, we should just stand under his feet because his little short arms would not be able to reach us.

Chris and T-Rex could be friends.

Saul Bellow.

This time in two weeks, I will be back in Oklahoma. Yuck. It isn't that I hate Oklahoma (well, actually...), I just have really enjoyed this summer and don't want it to end. Especially since I'll graduate in May and then am in "The Real World." This was my last summer to really just hang out, goof off, and be as free as a 21 year old can be.

Next summer, I'll probably be attempting to find a job, figuring out where I am going to live, etc.

But this summer...
travelling around the Asian continent
exploring New York and Alaska
mountains
new friendships emerging from old acquaintances
trying new restaurants
hiking
caring and laughing like they matter
battle wounds
compliments, both verbal and the free stuff
being epic

Rock.

I love hiking.

I love the feeling of climbing, pushing myself, exerting all my effort to do something that not many people do often, particularly where I go to school.

And I love summiting the mountain, taking in the surroundings, marveling at God's goodness and grace.

I love running down mountains, feeling the earth descend under my feet as I push the dirt away, striding down, feeling the rush of the wind.

I love talking to the Monday Night Hikers, even if it isn't a Monday night, because they are all so diverse, so exciting, so unique. I love hearing their stories, their thoughts, their arguments about gravity's effect on a bullet as it travels uphill or downhill. And I love hearing their discussions about Cha-Cha's answer to their debate.

I love yelling, "ROCK!" when a rock falls and almost (or does) hit someone. I love hiking in my Teva's, which have now been in Africa, India, Oklahoma, New York, and the top of several mountains in Alaska.

I love this summer.

I Found God.

Oh, you know. Just hanging out at home with Mom and Dad, wearing a tutu I just made, prepping for Sunday School tomorrow. I am teaching the high school class about the Holy Spirit. In high school, I remember not caring - at all - about the Holy Spirit.

Never thought about Him. Never heard Him. Never listened.

And I don't think that really - REALLY - changed until... The Rooftop in India.

It was towards the end of the trip. We had maybe two days left, and I was mad at God. He had been teaching me a lot, and had been faithful the whole time, but I felt like I had been left hanging. I took my Bible, journal, and iPod to the roof. It overlooked the whole city, and it was just before dusk began falling. And I started in on Him.

Confusion. Sadness. Rejection. Alone. Worried. Unsure. Oh, we had words.

But when He started speaking, my words seemed superfluous. He told me verses, Bible stories, giving me promises and assurances. He told me to watch the birds, reminding me how He guides them, and how He cares for me even more. He confided in me things that I previously knew not. He told me to listen to a song, and spoke to me through the lyrics.

I met the Holy Spirit on a roof in India. And it changed me.