Zephaniah 3:17

So I think I have a theme for my hall for next year.

I'm going to do a music theme.
Which, okay, if you knew me, you would be surprised.
I am not all that musically inclined. I can play the guitar, fairly decently, and played the clarinet from 5th grade to 9th grade. I can't really sing, but I love listening to music.

God has really been speaking to me about Zephaniah 3:17 lately, which says:
"The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."

I love - LOVE - the part about how He will rejoice over me with singing.

So I've been thinking.
What does God want to sing over me?
What song does He have for me?
Is it about beauty?
purity?
following Him?
patience?
understanding?
What does the song sound like?
Is it stuff you hear everyday...
Like laughter?
birds chirping?
hearing "I love you"?
people praising Him?
a kind word?
What does it feel like to have God sing over you?
A warm hug?
Somone holding your hand?
That feeling in your stomach that's like a thousand butterflies?
Running until you're utterly exhausted?
Drinking steamers?
Laying down to sleep at night?

I think this is something I want to teach my girls about next year - How God is their savior, One who takes GREAT delight in them, one who quiets them and sings over them.

I get the image of a baby who cries in the middle of the night, so the mom or dad wakes up and gets him or her out of the cradle, and just rocks him or her in their arms and sings a lullaby to the child.
That's what God does.
That's what He wants to do.

So what song does He have for me?
Will I ever learn it?

Gosh Dang It.

Are you kidding me?
That is ridiculous.
She removed me from her friend's list.

Oh my word.
_______________

So last night at church, a little boy that goes to AWANAS invited me to his baseball game today. Well, I'm pretty sure he invited me. Shaun said he didn't. If he didn't invite me to it, he at least told me about it. So I told him I would go. But now, dang, I have so much to do. I'm going, but only for like 15 minutes. Then I'm going to a crepe extravaganza tonight with my french class.

Yes, a crepe extravaganza.
________________

Am writing a paper for English.

Well, "writing".

I'm actually just slacking.
It's due on Wednesday.
I shouldn't be slacking.
________________

I started running with Kim. And yesterday, Helena joined. It's my goal to run two laps around campus (about 2 miles) by the end of the semester, which in like 2 weeks. I'm not quite at a lap yet. Tonight I'll make it to a lap.
I'm going to run everynight except on Thursdays, which is when we have Lifestream. But this is the last week of Lifestream, so next Thursday I can run. 'Twill be good.
________________

Two more weeks, then finals.
Phew.

Lifestream x2.

Lifestream tonight = everything I needed.

Today was...fairly crappy.
Except nix the fairly part.

So Lifestream was great. It was all about going through hard times, and how God gets us through them. The speaker talked about how God refines us - how He holds us right in the heat of things and doesn't move us until He sees His reflection. And I mean, I've heard that before, but tonight...it was good.

We sang a song I had never heard before, about being free, and another one about overcoming. The worship leader talked about how we can be free from anger and stuff.

Good stuff tonight.
So glad I could go.

Peppin.

Conversations.
Interesting things.
So many words spoken but even more things left unsaid.

It's a wonder how someone you've known since 6th grade becomes someone you can talk to about relationships and Jesus and have it not be awkward.

It's cool to have a frienship like that.
Even if it just seems to have fallen out of the sky.
And it's cool how it isn't awkward to talk about the boy I love and the girl he likes.

It's pretty awesome.

Silence.

I really don't have a need to be constantly surrounded by people.

In fact, I spent almost all day by myself. I slept in, and sat outside and read my book for psychology, and ate lunch and dinner by myself. I haven't really talked to anyone all day, except for someone on-line for a while.
It's been nice.

I'm okay with being quite sometimes.

I think I've said this before on here, but during senior year, in Mrs. Lackey's class, we had to write these lines from some poet's work, and the line that I picked said, "Sometimes I get quiet and rarely speak at all."
And...
It's true.

I'm good with silence. Especially when words become superfluous. Because there comes a point when they do.
Silences are only awkward if you make them like that.
I don't think slience was meant to be awkward. I think it became like that because people need noise in their lives. They need to talk and be talked to and have music playing and something in the background. Why? Perhaps to keep them from thinking about things. Maybe they don't like their thoughts. So they try and fill their minds with noise to cover their thoughts up so that they don't have to think.
Why can't people just be quiet sometimes?
Why can't people just be by themselves?
Often, I like nothing better than just being in my room...alone...me and my journal and God.

If you're always talking, you miss something important that people say to you. If you're always listening to something other than silence, you miss the most important things being said.
Like the wind in trees.
Or the steady beat of someone's heart.
Or a car tire on the pavement.
Or the laughter that builds up inside of you when you think about something completely weird and random that happened to you and your best friends a few months ago.

And that's what life's about - the little things, the things that you can't really explain, but you know they are real because they change your life.

That Little Thing.

I am officially an Elementary Education major.
To finish in 4 years, I'm going to have to do a lot of summer school and J-Terms, along with taking a full course load every semester until I graduate. Woot. And if I want to minor in something, I'll have to take even MORE classes.

Let the stress begin.



Cool. :)
It's nice when friends surprise you.
Especially when you don't expect it.
But then you're just talking, and they're like, "Hey..."
Then it has the potential of being really really awkward.
But it doesn't.
And then you end up talking about really cool stuff.

I like that.
A lot.

I Just Believe, I Just Believe It.

So much stress this week. Gosh.

Trying to pick classes for the fall.
I am changing my major to Elementary Education.

The other night, I was writing in my journal, and I was just thinking, "What am I passionate about? What do I really ENJOY doing?" And I realized the next day that I just love teaching. Like, Wednesday nights at AWANAS are my favorite times of my whole week, just teaching the kids random Bible stories and hanging out with them. And VBS - I have so much love for VBS. I always said that I could teach VBS everyday for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy.
I'm really excited about it.

I bombed a math test today, I'm pretty sure. Oh, well. You win some, you lose some.
I have a French test tomorrow, too. Dang.

So much is going on.

We're going camping next weekend. I'm really excited. I just want to be away and be with friends and Jesus and nature for a while. So me and Addi and some other people are going camping. SO STOKED. I've been wanting this for a while.

Room inspections tomorrow - my room isn't clean. Bah.
Walk/Run test today - my best time ever. Nice.
Ultimate Frisbee starts the 30th. I bought a frisbee the other day.

I'm hungry.
I hung pictures on my wall. They're fun.
I'm so tired.

Language Lab tomorrow. WooT. Not.

Good song - "Believe" by the Newsboys.
I like them a lot.
I heard the word "behoove" in one of their songs today - "Belly of a Whale". It made me laugh, since Addi and I learned that word the other day. :)

It's Raining Men.

We have heard the thunder
And we have seen the storm
Echoes of Your kingdom coming
Rumors of our home
One day we will stand before You, Lord
Our altogehter beautiful reward.

I'm so stoked.

So, I'm starting an Ultimate Frisbee team. It'll be good. I have to do one more activity for my concepts of wellness class, so I made an intramural team. We are going to be soooo bad. Not even kidding. Oh well.

I started cleaning my room a few minutes ago.
Then I stopped.

We will lift our voices
WIth Your praises
Jesus, You are our King.

Je vous ai apporte des oeufs chocolat.
I brought you some chocolate eggs.

I need a new raincoat. I want a yellow rubber one...or maybe plaid.

That's The Way It Goes.

Okay, so what has been going on?

Well, Wednesday night, after AWANAS, Shaun and I were hanging out. He was working on editing some bird pictures on my laptop, and we were just talking, and eventually, the topic came up of whether or not he and his ex had kissed. And they did.

Which, okay, I figured they had, since they dated for like 3 years.

But when he told me, I started crying. I don't think he knew that, though, since my head was down and my hair was covering my face. But I don't know. It hurt to think that he's kissed another girl. Not that we've kissed...because we haven't. But it's weird to think that if we DID kiss, his lips would have been on someone else's.

I know that when he kissed her he didn't even know I existed. I know that he didn't think he would break up with her. I know all of that.

But it still hurt.

So then after we prayed, I went inside, and went to Addi's room, and just stood at her door sobbing. And I ended up sleeping in her room on her extra bed.

All day yesterday, I thought about it, and okay, yes, I overreacted. I can chalk part of it up to PMSing, but not all of it. I was genuinely upset. I didn't talk to Shaun all day, and wasn't sure what to say to him when I did talk to him. He didn't come to lunch or dinner, and wasn't on-line all day.

THen he finally called me about going to Lifestream.

So we get in the car, and it is SOOO awkward. You have no idea. We said maybe 10 sentences to eachother the whole 45 minute carride. It was bad.

We talked on the way back a little, but I could tell something else was on his mind...and he finally told me. Apparently he spent all day worrying that I was going to break up with him because of it. So he was stressing out about that, and I was sad about he and the ex.

We got back to campus, and were sitting in his car, and I asked what else was on his mind:

S: "What are we going to do in 3 or 4 years?"
M: "What do you mean?"
S: "Well, we graduate, then what? You go off to Africa, and I stay here?"
M: "You can come with me."
S: "What if I'm not supposed to?"
M: "Then I guess we go our own ways."
S: "I just don't want to waste your time."
M: "So....?"
S: "Should we still be dating?"
M: "I don't know."
S: "I just don't want to waste your time, but I don't want to keep you from doing something God has told you to do, or make you do something God doesn't want you to do. What if you go to Africa forever, and He doesn't call me to go there?"
M: "I don't know if God wants me in Africa forever. Maybe it'll be just a month-long trip, and I'll accomplish what He wanted me to, and I'll come back."
S: "But what if it's for forever?"
M: "Then I don't know."
S: "Do you think we should still be dating?"
M: "I think we need to pray."

So I lead us in a prayer.

S: "What do you think God is telling you?"
M: "I don't know."
S: "Promise?"
M: "Yes. What is God tellig you?"
S: "That we need to still be dating. He made it obvious I was supposed to start dating you, so I guess I'll keep you for a little while longer."
M: "Oh, like another day?"
S: "No, just for now."
M: "Oh, so another minute, then I'm gone?"
S: "No. Nothing made me sadder than thinking that I might have to end this relationship."

So that's what's been going down. I think we're okay now, but this was our first big "issue" if you will. It sucked. I hated not seeing him throughout the day on Thursday. HATED it.

So, I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know. I've given this relationship up to God who knows how many times, but I just have to keep doing it, because I keep taking it back again. I just have to trust God, to believe that He is in control, to have faith that He knows what He is doing.

Shaun also said that he figured God would clue him in to his future in the next few years. If he doesn't have a heart for Africa or missions, he's not the one for me. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

It makes me sad to think that.

I love him.

...

So, don't really feel like writing.

My heart is kind of heavy.
My stomach is in lots of little bity knots.
I don't like it.

AWANAS last night was A-mazing. I love AWANAS. Kacy and Collin and Alex are my favorites. I have thank you cards on my wall from K and C. I'm going to go to C's band concert and wear a shirt with his name on it, possibly. :) I lead the lesson every week. Yesterday's was about Ehud and King Eglon. It was so much fun to teach. Most of them knew the story, which surprised me a lot.

T'was an interesting night for conversation last night. I sooo don't want to talk about it. At all.

Gah.

Beauty Redefined.

Kalan Porter
"True Colours"

You with those sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Though I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it
And that darkness inside you makes you feel so small

But I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful like a rainbow

Show me your smile
Don't be unhappy
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up because you know I'll be there

And I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful
Like a rainbow

You're beautiful
I see your true colors
Just remember
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up because you know I'll be there

And I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful
Beautiful
Like a rainbow
Like a rainbow

You're beautiful

Your true colors are beautiful


So Dove has started this new compaign focused on and designed to show women how beautiful they are. I found the website, and fell in love with what they are doing. This song was playing in the background of one of their videos, and I love the lyrics.

This is something I'm passionate about. I know I don't always believe I am beautiful, but I'm trying. There are girls everywhere who don't believe they are beautiful, and they are.

(None)

6 Months.

Wow.

Ooh, A Butterfly...

Addi: "Have you ever been checked for ADHD?"
Me: "No..."
Addi: "Oh, cuz I googled it, and it could so be your homepage."
Me: "You think I have ADHD?"
Addi: "Yeah. I talked to my Mom about it -"
Me: "YOU TALKED TO YOUR MOM ABOUT IT?"
Addi: "Yeah...and she agreed."

So, Addi thinks I have ADHD. She said it's a "chemical imbalance". Hm. Jeff had ADD when he was younger. Maybe I hide mine better than him.

If I do have ADHD, will I have to take medicine? Will I be a freak? Will people laugh at me? JK.

We checked the symptons, and um, yeah. I fit almost all of them. Great.

Sadie Hawkin's Dance.

Me, excited for RK.
The stage is set....
I love those guys.
Mmhmm.
Matty T and his boys.

Matty.
<3
Look, he's singing to me!
You play that guitar!
Matty T. makes my heart flutter. Not really. But okay.

So, at one point during their set, Relient K had a "singalong". SO they brought out this fake campfire, and Matty led everyone in singing a song. And Matty T. put on a grass skirt and a coconut bra. Pretty funny. I laughed.

I videoed all of "Sadie Hawkin's Dance" - mostly because of our music video, but also because that's kind of what Kristina and I did with Cody and Chris for prom. We asked them. And while there was no air guitar, it was still Sadie-Hawkins-Dance ish.

I'm glad we're friends with them.

Me Weekend.

So, wow.

Good
Busy
Fun
Tiring
Relaxing
Stressful week/weekend.

Thursday:
Relient K concert = amazing. So much fun.
Run Kid Run was first. They were okay. OBviously not the best.
Sherwood was next. They had the coolest keyboard player/dancer ever. He had blonde hair and just danced around a lot. At one point, he had a mega-phone.
The Wedding was third. They were trying to be hard core, and it didn't really work, but was REALLY funny.
Then...

RELIENT K!

They rock. So much love for Matt Thiesen. They played for more than an hour. At one point, Melissa and I were like 10 rows from the stage, but then I started feeling like I was going to pass out, so I had to leave the crowd. They played a few songs from their new CD, which I bought, and some oldies - High of 75, Sadie Hawkin's Dance, and In Love With The 80s, to name a few. I missed the 80s song, cuz that's when I felt sick. Can't wait to see them again this summer with my sisters.

It was kind of weird - none of the bands, even though they are all Christian, talked about Jesus. Ever. THey talked some between songs, but God never came up. Kind of bugged me. I mean, I understand that a lot of these bands are more main-stream, but they still need to reach out to Christians. Another thing, they were serving alcohol there, at the venue. That bugged me, too. I undestand it probably wasn't the bands who decided to do that, but still.

Friday:
Mission Center.
Tink came! I was so happy to see her. I've missed her. She asked me to hang out with her and Ashley, which is AMAZING, and she gave me a hug goodbye.
Drove to Shaun's house. We stayed up late talking...and I ended up crying. Only like the 3rd time he's seen me cry.

Saturday:
At Shaun's house. Didn't do much - went to the drive in, and went shopping with Ashley and her mom.
Stayed up late talking to Shaun again...4th time he saw me cry. And God kind of gave me a "duh" thing. It was interesting. Eye - opening.
SHE isn't in this relationship. I am.

Sunday:
Half an hour late for Sunday School. :)
Easter Baskets.
Played games all afternoon.
Stayed up late talking again.

Monday:
Go to eye doctor in Derby.
I drive back.

Parched. Like Parchment Paper.

Really tired.
Feeling beat up.
Stressed and discouraged.
Apparently emo.
Short temper.
Need a hug from Shaun.
SO much to do.
No time to just be.
Can't wait until next Thursday.
And this Thursday.

Relient K concert in a few days.
Ashley coming to campus Thursday.
Psychology test will be over tomorrow.
Creation Fest is a go.
Will drive to Whittier on my 19th birthday.
Seeing my sisters in a few months.
6 month anniversary in one week.

Sarcastic voice on the phone.

Tad annoyed.
Life goes on.

Good Friday?
Not so good for Jesus.
Great for us, yeah.
But not so much for Him.

Sneak preview at Shawnee's new Old Navy tomorrow.
"Friends and Family" day.
I'm a "Friend and Family" to a girl in my French class.

Got a 97% on my math test.
I rallied it.
I learned the stuff the night before the test.
Yay for smart boyfriends.

Who play videogames a lot.
But is a good chef.
And currently has nice skater hair.

Dry mouth.
Why?
I'm parched.
Craving apple juice.
Or milk.
Mm... milk.

'Night.