Muster Every Ounce Of Confidence I Have.

I am scared to take chances and risk getting hurt.

I think I want to try something one day, and fail MISERABLY at it, just so that I can see that I am capable of getting up, dusting myself off, and going on. So that I can realize that it isn't the end of the world. I want to realize that I have that strength... that if I don't have that strength, God does.

I want to do something daring this summer. Sky diving or white water rafting or something. I want to climb mountains and camp. I want to live without regrets.

I always tell my girls to take risks and chances. I want to do the same.

For You I Will.

I'm in a total "Snuggly under the blankets" kind of mood.

Maybe it's the weather - gray skies, and it smells like rain.
Mayb it is because the majority of my day has been spent in bed, sleeping and reading.

Teddy Geiger has a song called "For You I Will (Confidence)". I just downloaded it, and a bunch of other songs, on Ruckus. And I like it. It makes me want to take chances. It makes me want to go cliff diving or to North Korea and kick their leader, Kim Jong-il, in the shins.

I want to feel like I'm doing something important and daring for other people. I want to muster every ounce of confidence I have and cannonball into the water.

Day Three Of The Broken Toe.

Day Three: A New Observation.




I walked around a lot today because of my observation and Mission Center. And man. It throbs.

A boy named Matt stepped on my foot today. He didn't know my toe was broken. Jeremy and like eight other people were like, "MATT!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" And he looked really confused. It hurt.

Ouch, Day Two.

My toe (still unnamed, but working on it).
Day Two of Brokenness:


My colorful bruises...



Look at how swolen it is compared to my other foot!

Dove.

So, I was lying on my bed, pretending to study, and eating Dark Chocolate Dove Chocolates. I love Dove. I love the sayings in them.

So, I unwrapped my Dove, popped it in my mouth, and looked at the saying on it. It said, "Find your passion." And I thought, wow, Hmm... what is my passion?

1. Teaching - I love it. I love seeing the look of understanding. Tonight, at AWANAS, I was helping a girl named Kelsey, and I asked her when she asked Jesus into her heart, and she was like, "What does that mean?" So I explained it to her - that she is a sinner, and the Jesus died on the cross to save her, and that if she just asks she could spend forever with him. And I saw that look of understanding. She said, "Oh! I didn't know I could do that!" So I led her in a prayer to accept Jesus - right there in the basement of Calvary Baptist Church. Later, I was sitting with her during story time, and Amanda mentioned how if the kids wanted to ask Jesus into their hearts, they could talk to one of us leaders. Kelsey looked at me and smiled, like, "I did that today!" It was cool.
2. Ministering to people - Mission Center, mission trips, my girls... I love it. I'm so excited for Mission Center this Friday. It seems like it's been forever. And this summer...I can't wait. I'm so exicted to be a dorm mom in an orphanage!
3. Encouraging people - I love writing notes for people, drawing pictures, etc. So much fun. Next month, I am planning an encouraging note night for my girls to make cards and write letters to teachers who have impacted their lives. I'm excited.

My next Dove saying was "Live your dreams." And I thought, "Wow... that's cool that that came right after 'Find your passion.' How am I living my dreams?"

1. Being an RA - I wanted to do this since I decided to come to OBU, and probably before that even. And I love my job. It's hard sometimes, when girls don't come to events I plan, when I have a lot on my plate to do, when I'm just tired... but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
2. Going to Africa - or getting ready to go, I suppose. Exactly three months from THIS DAY I will be on my way to Africa. Holy cow. THREE MONTHS. So excited.
3. Going to college to be a teacher - When I was like 8, I had a Minnie Mouse book where I could draw pictures and answer questions. And one of the things was, "Describe what you want to be when you grow up." And I said that I want to be a teacher. :)

I think I'm going to put these in The Book for my F.H.
I wonder what his passions are... I wonder how he is living his dreams now. I wonder what passions we'll develop together and I wonder how we will live our dreams...

The Peanut Butter to my Jelly and I had a fun conversation in the car on the way back from the mall about... well, about our F.H.'s. And about wedding nights, and making out in the kitchen. I love how it isn't awkward.

Ouch.

I broke my toe today.
It hurts.

Oh, Happy Day! Happy Day!

Well, it is Easter.
I love this holiday.

I've had the song "Happy Day" in my head all... well, all happy day long.
I love the part where it's just like, "He's ALIVE!" Because dang - He IS alive.
I mean, He came out of the tomb.

I'm in the Denver airport once more.
I'm supposed to be at Shaun's house by now, but no such luck. My flight from Seattle to Denver (which was supposed to leave at 7:45 am) did not leave until after 12:30 pm. Thus, I missed my connecting flight to Wichita. And alas, there were no more flights until tomorrow afternoon, so instead I am flying to Oklahoma City and my boo is picking me up there. Phew. I don't get into OKC until 10:30 tonight, though. Long day.

It was good - being with my family.

The wedding was nice. My new sister in law is nice. My nephew is cute as a bug. Or a monkey. I saved the day - so I won the Super Sister In Law of the Year award. Dayna's top was too big, so I whipped off the safety pins I had on and successfully pinned her dress. Yes, I was amazing, thank you very much. :)

I have a new friend, too. His name is John, and he's like 33. He was my "wedding date". We talked all day. Then I bought really cute new shoes at Cabela's, and he made fun of them. Jerk-face.

It was kind of sad, all weekend. Brad had Paige, my grandparents and parents had eachother, Jeff had Dayna... I was like the 9th wheel. Me and Ryan, but he's only 3 months old, so everyone wanted to hold him and cuddle with him the whole time. I missed Shaun a lot.

Is that lame?

Waiting in line to get our tickets fixed, everyone was really irritated. But I don't know, I see it like, it isn't the end of the world. Yeah, we may be late to something, or our schedules may have to be changed around a bit... but really? It's okay. It won't matter a week from now. The plane was broken - I didn't want to ride on a broken plane and risk actually having to know what the safety card says. I'll pass, thanks.

MM, that bit of chocolate is good.

My Mom made me an Easter basket. :) Lots of choclate for me. Pretty much all I've eaten all day is chocolate. They showed "Enchanted" on the plane. It made me REALLY happy. I still have to finish homework, and I need to find out where my plane leaves from. But I still have three hours.


Oh, Happy Day! Happy Day! He washed my sins away! Oh, Happy Day! Happy Day! Forever I am changed!!!

Humanity.

I'm writing an essay about Kafka's "Metamorphosis" and now all I can think about is humanity. What is it? How do you define who a human is? And was Gregor - after he physically transformed into a bug - still "human"?

I need to figure this out. My essay is due the Wednesday after break. I just can't bring myself to sit and write my conclusions. But I have like three pages of typed notes about it. Gah.

Yesterday, At The Denver Airport.

Yesterday, at the Denver airport, a foreign man told me that he liked the part in my hair.

He was in his twenties, probably about 25, and was from Portugal or Spain, I think. I was sitting on Shaun's duffel bag (which I nabbed to take with me) about 4 feet away from him, and all of a sudden he stood up and was like, "I jflslikehus the hryaparthi lkfinfj bvwyourhvy bayhairnjve." And I said, "Pardon me?" And he said, "I like the part in your hair." Then he smiled, nodded, and walked away. And I laughed.

Yesterday, at the Denver airport, I saw a man pick a wedgie.

He was in his forties, standing with four or five other men. He appeared to be a type that plays golf. He had on khaki shorts. I turned to the side (to the left really) and he was about two feet away from me. I glanced up, and he picked a wedgie. Right there. Right in my face. Oh gosh.

Yesterday, at the Denver airport, I realized that no one in the state of Colorado believes in Starbucks.

I walked all over the airport, with a green backpack on my back (where it belongs) and Shaun's duffel bag in my hands. And as I walked, I kept my eyes peeled... and there was no Starbucks anywhere. ANYWHERE. I just wanted a nice iced coffee and a bagel. And I got nothing.

Authenticity.

Sometimes I get really self-centered and all I think about it myself and what I want and need and how I feel. Sometimes I get so caught up in my little insignificant world, full of "injustices" that I forget that other people have so much more hurt and pain than I do. Sometimes I act like "goddess Melissa", not just Melissa.

Sometimes I forget that it isn't all about me. In fact, none of it is about me. Ever. At all.

And I hate that.

I think that's the thing I dislike about myself the most.

It's like...
Dr. Litherland said one time that if you are a Christian, you have to be all about love. Love should define you. People should be able to look at you, see your love, and know that there is something different, something unique about you.

And love... Love isn't condensed chicken noodle soup, fluffy love. Love is hearty beef stew with lots of vegetables on a cold winter day love. Love is thick and tangible and evident as more than just a feeling.

But if I don't love that much... and like that... what am I?
Certainly not an authentic Christian, for real Christians are called to love and forgive everyone - even our enemies... especially our enemies.

So then how can I profess to be such, if my actions do not match my thoughts and desires and words?

God, teach me to love... to love like You love. Teach me what love looks like, what forgiveness looks like, what a true heart looks like. Help me to be real, to be what You made me to be. Show me Your way, for Your way is the Only Way in this life.

One Thought.

Spring Break.
Praise the Lord.

Two Years Ago.

This time, two years ago, I was like THIS close to being in Oklahoma, looking at this school.

The trip pretty much transformed my life, except not so dramatically.

I cried when I saw the shrubs. I got mad when my Dad walked on the grass. We took pictures of everything. Ha - Dad broke the library rules.

Good times. Good trip. I love this place.

Happy, Part Two.

I found my happy.
It came when I least expected it.
It came in a variety of ways.

I think I was so obsessed with losing my happy that I wasn't looking for it.

But I have it now.

The peanut butter to my jelly and I hung out for like 2 and a half hours, in the GC, then we ate dinner together. We talked about lots of random stuff... we are so ADD in our conversations sometimes. Having that relationship back is one of my happys.

I ministered to one of my girls. God spoke wisdom and love to her through me. The fact that He uses me like that is one of my happys.

I talked to a few of my professors for a while today. About my happy. And the Alaskan gangs. It was fun. I like my professors.

I got a facebook video which made me stinkin' happy. I like them.

So my happy has returned...or at least put in an appearance. Which means that it isn't gone forever. Maybe it is just on sick leave or soemthing. I'm okay with that. I just don't want it to be gone forever.

Lost.

I feel like I lost my happy.

Pretty Like A Princess!

My Mom and I looked at wedding dresses at davidsbridal.com today. :)

I called her crying, and she talked to me about it, then mentioned Jeff's wedding next week, and said she called his fiance to ask about what she is wearing. Then we started talking about wedding dresses.

I showed her my dream wedding.
Then we just perused the dresses.

It was fun.

It made me really really ridiculously happy, actually.

I Will Trust In You, I Will Trust In You.

Two weeks ago, everything was going really well. I was living life and loving every minute of it.

Then last week, it feels like it all fell apart.

1. I got word that there were "complications" with my application and background check to go to South Africa (which have since been cleared up).
2. WMU (aka, my home for the last two years) will be closed next year, so I will RA in Kerr.
3. I found out that I have to have a roommate next year... and NONE of my friends will willingly live in Kerr when they could go to apartments.
4. Money is VERY slowly dribbling in for my mission trip - only like $125 so far, which is so discouraging.
5. I don't know what to do about Tink. She's wearing on me. I feel like when she's at Mission Center, I have to spend time with her, rather than ministering to the kids in the kids group. And I LOVE the kids group. It breaks my heart that I feel like I can't be with them.
6. Shaun's sick, so he's always sleeping. Which is fine. He needs to get better. It just makes me sad to see him hurting.

So, God's been teaching me a LOT about worry and trusting Him. It's hard. And I don't always like His plans. They scare me and worry me and make me angry. But He is still God. He is God and I am not...for a reason. I know that I would just mess everything up.

But He has the whole world in His hands - something I can't even imagine - and I will trust Him.

Just Beyond The Riverbend.

I don't know what's around the river bend.

There have been "complications" with my South Africa application. I was so sure that that was what God wanted me to do this summer... but now I don't know.

I was so sure that I should be in WMU again as an RA next year. But now they are closing WMU for renovations, and I will be an RA in Kerr.

I wish I knew what was to come:
This spring break
This summer
The rest of my life.

It scares me not to know what's up.

I mean, I can't swim by myself, and what if the water around the riverbend is deep? What if there are sharp jagged rocks, and eels and sharks that will nibble at my toes? What if I get caught in the sea-weed and drown? What if I get caught in a whirlpool and just go round and round and round with no hope of getting free?

And what if, through it all, God just sits on the riverbend, watching, not helping, even when I call to Him? What if He leaves me to falter in the water by myself?

I know that in my past, God has never failed me. He is always there. And since God never changes, I know that He will be there for me tomorrow... over spring break... this summer.

So that what am I scared of?
Why am I worried?

1:30am And Counting.

Well, it is nearing 1:30 am, and I can't sleep.

So I am lying in my bed, with my window open about an inch and a half and my heater on (which kind of rules out the need for my window to be open). ANd I've been lying in my bed for almost two hours.

Why can't I sleep?

I called my Dad since I hadn't talked to him in a while, then he had to go to a call, which as sad.

My blinds keep rattling and making scary noises.

And I really need to use the restroom.

No, I REALLY need to sleep. I have class in less than eight hours.

My Day As A Supermodel.

So...

Today I tried out for America's Next Top Model.

Seriously.

There was an open casting call in Oklahoma City and I heard about it on the radio. So I decided that I would go audition. After talking to some girls on my hall, one of them decided to audtion with me, and three others decided to tag along for fun. So at 8:45am today, Katelyn, Kylie, Melanie, Kelly and I left for Oklahoma City.

I waved at people on the way in.

So, we get to the city, and find where we need to be, and park and go inside. And a lady is standing at the door holding a measuring stick, and you can only get a wristband to audition if you have a wristband on. So she measures Katelyn (who is 5'11") and lets her in, but measures me two or three times before saying I'm good (since I'm "only" 5'8" tall).

So we get our wristbands - I am number 193, and she's 194. So we sit down, and I'm reading for Civ, and we're just waiting. We end up talking to the girls next to us, and one of them asks about our pictures. And we go, "Wait - what pictures?" We have no pictures. We need pictures: a head shot, one of us in a bathing suit, one of us full-body. So we're like, Well, Crap!

Thus, we get in the car and find a WalMart. At WalMart, Katelyn and I try on bathing suits and take pictures in the changing room. Then we walked around and took other random pictures. Eventually, we went back to the photo place to find out that their printer was out of order, and we would have to wait an HOUR to get prints developed.

So we blew that popsicle stand and went to a Walgreens on a really shady part of town... 23rd Street. And the photo printers at that Walgreens were broken, too. So the cashier, after asking us if we were going to "That Model Thing", told us where to go to print pictures... further down 23rd Street.

ANd really, it was scaring. I saw a lady shooting up on drugs on the side of the road. There were gangsters everywhere. Kelly told me not to wave at anyone because they could (and would) shoot me.

But we saw the Capital. It was cool.

We finally found the place and printed our pictures before RACING back to Remington place. We weren't sure if they were past our numbers yet, so we just hung out for a while before they called 180. We were still golden! We still had a shot!

So we got in line in numerical order, and we were going to be in the second group to go. And after half an hour or so, they called our numbers.

We joined 8 or so other girls and went upstairs. Upstairs, they had us turn in our TWELVE page application, our pictures, and the copy of our two forms of ID. So we did that, and signed another piece of paper, and they put them in manilla envelopes with NEW numbers on them - we were 291 and 292.

So THEN we went into ANOTHER room, with 50 or so girls. By this time it was 1:30 pm or so. And we sat. And we played games - I Spy, we made a Cootie Catcher and asked random questions, and tried to talk to the other girls there, but none of them wanted to play with us. We made paper airplanes and threw them to see whose would go the farthest.

Katelyn's mom brought us taco bell. Mmmm...

And we still just sat.

For three hours.

Yes, three hours.

Around hour two, we got up to go to the bathroom, and got distracted by an empty hall way that had a mirror in it. :) We practiced our model walking and our poses and ended up making funny faces in the mirror. We "catwalked"...literally... on the ground growling and meowing. So funny. REALLY good thing that no one walked past, though we were laughing hard enough that someone should have come to check on us.

We were the very last group to go. And at 4:30pm, they called our group. We went with nine or ten other girls to another room, where we waited for ten or fifteen minutes. And while we were waiting there, I started thinking. And I was like, "Oh my gosh. Why am I doing this? This is so stupid!!!"

But then they called my number.
And I had to go into the hall to wait for a few more minutes before I went into the interview room. And...

hahahaha

It was great. I had to model walk (yeah, I know!) and pose. When they asked me to turn to the left, though, I definaltely turned to the right first, then was like, "Oh, crap!" And turned to the other side really quickly.

They asked some questions, like "Why would you be a good top model?" and "What do you have that other girls don't have?" and "How would your friends describe your personality?" I mentioned that I was from Alaska, and that I butchered pigs, shot guns, and went kayak sledding and they thought that was pretty cool.

The only people in there with me was a guy who ran the video camera and the lady asking questions. No Tyra... No Jay... oh well.

So they asked a few more questions, and I thanked them and left. As I was leaving, the lady told me that I had a really good interview. I hope so. That would be fun.

If they call me back, I will go to Texas for another round of interviews, then if I pass that, they would pay for me to go to Los Angeles for another interview, and if I pass that one, I will be on the show.

I mean, I only did it for fun. I just thought that it would be hilarious and fun. And it was! I mean, it would be cool to go all the way, but at the same time, I know that there are a lot of girls who want it a lot more than I do.

Anyway, we waited for about 8 hours to be seen for 3 minutes. :)

Good story, huh?