Soul Check

It's crap when someone is saved, or claims to be, but then they turn away from the Truth. Then they come back for a while, and are super on fire for God, and want to be baptized and follow Him. Then they fall away again, and turn to the lies of the world, the lies from Satan, and reject God.

I'm sorry, but it's crap.

And I wonder how it makes God, and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit feel. Obviously they are disappointed. They've got to be sad, knowing that they made that person with the ability to choose, and upset that they chose wrongly. I would be.

But then, I hate thinking that daily I disappoint God. The God who made the sun and stars and moon and who made ME who loves me and died for me, and just wants me to live for Him. I disappoint Him.

Talk about a soul check.

WGC

I now understand the complexities of a Wild Goose Chase.

And its not really fun. Especially when said goose stops and turns and hisses at you, baring his weird beak teeth that God gave him for who knows what reason, other than to intimidate you.

What's It Called When One Thing Is Not Like Something Else, But They Are Similiar?

An analogy? No. Cunundrom? No. Yeah, I have no idea. I mean, I know, but I don't know what it is. Yeah.

I'm most definately eating a candy bar and drinking a slushie, even though I'm going to go work out with Hannah in like 30 minutes. AND we are weighing in today. AND it will be a sad time because it is Sam's last day there, because she got a job at the Purple Moose coffee place in Palmer. So there you go.

My Additions In Bold

Are you like Peter?
By Cody Alley

Matthew 14:24-31v.30-31: But when he saw the winds boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said to him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

Lack of faith, does that describe you? Yeah. Totally. So many times, we finally get out of the boat thinking "This time, I will follow Jesus and trust Him." Sounds 100% familiar. Then, right when everything seems to be going great, Satan jumps in the water with you. The trials begin to fall upon you, and you get scared. You get so scared that you forget to look upon Jesus' face. As usual, we start to fall away from God. Trying to solve it all by ourselves. When we finally hit that wall, we turn to Jesus once again. Why is Jesus always my last resort? As Pastor Tom says, "Prayer is not a last ditch effort of a faithless people, but rather the first line of defense of a faithful people." So am I faithless or faithful? (This is my favorite part) Jesus immediately reaches forth His hand and picks us up, and says, "I got you, just trust me." Just like after He was resurrected, and He knew that His boy Peter needed to see Him...Jesus knows I need Him. Do I know it?

Peter had that faith to trust Jesus. It was somewhere inside him...and it's somewhere inside of me, too. All he had to do is look upon Jesus' face, and he would not sink. He didn't do that though, instead he looked to other things, and he fell. Is your life like that? Once upon Jesus, then you get side tracked of things that are going around you? Look, I know it is tough, I slip and fall my self. But, to stay in the stride of Gods' will we must trust Him and keep our eyes on Him. It's so hard to keep my eyes on Him when everything else is vying for attention: school, family, friends, money, college, homework, church. But I guess I just have to answer the question: What is most important to me?

Let me say this, even if you do keep your eyes upon Jesus, Satan will still try to cause problems in your life. But, with your eyes upon Jesus, everything will work out so much better. I am also sure that you will be able to walk away a stronger Christian.

from www.secretmotive.com

My mom got fired?

How could that happen? Who decided to do that? What do you mean she may not get her job back?

What about college? I was counting on my parents to help pay for some of it. What about the wedding? The bills? Rising gas prices? I won't have a job either, this summer. What about buying food, and tithing?

Its like, we need money to survive. So if we have no money, what are we going to do? I have my mission trip coming up, we're building a new church...I'm leaving for college in the fall...talk about monetary obligations.

I mean, I know that God will provide...but I guess I don't really trust that.

*EDIT*
Okay, so she isn't really fired YET. But apparently it's totally going to happen. And, okay, I'm trying to trust God.

Choose Wisely,Young One

Kutless concert.

May 16, 2006.

Anchorage Baptist Temple.

Be there....




Or, be square.

Your choice, really.

Luke 24:13 And On

I'm teaching Sunday School tomorrow, and the lesson is all about when Jesus appeared to these two guys while they were walking home the day He rose to life again.

And, really, I've been struggling with it. I mean, Ididn't get why Jesus chose to show Himself to these two guys when His 12 (or, 11, because of Judas) disciples were waiting for Him. I mean, these guys were normal, like you and me. They followed Jesus, and loved Him, but they hadn't been part of the inner group.

I think that's why Jesus showed Himself to them. It's like, He knew that people other than the 11 disciples needed to see Him. And I think He purposely went to normal guys. These guys had lost their faith and thier hope, and were sad, just kind of trudging along the road home. They were seriously miserable, they didn't know where Jesus even WAS, so they totally were not expecting Him to come alongside them.

And how often is that me? Like when something happens, and I just get meh, do I expect Jesus to just come along? Not really. I know He will, and does, but I don't really expect it.

These guys were hopeless, but, unknowingly, they did the right thing: they talked to Jesus about it.

I guess that's why this story is so incredible. It's so plain, and what a perfect picture of us talking to Jesus without reserve, and what a perfect picture of Jesus breaking the Bread - His body - for us when we most need it.

Until My Heart Caves In...

Aargh. This wedding is dumb. I might just elope when its time for me to get married.

Or, really, I won't, I'll just invite EVERYONE in the world to come. Even the homeless people who chase your cars and ask for money if you wave at them.

Haha :)

I'm am STARVING right now. I could totally go for a bagel. But no cream cheese because that's just gross. But a nice fresh cheese and maybe onion bagel would be quite delectable.

It was a good day of school. I am so blessed. Aside from the whole wedding issues that have arised.

And I met Mr. Bowker's daughter's best friend's Mom today. She was super nice...a lot like Macy, actually.

So last night, I was reading one of my prayer journals from this time last year, and it was...interesting. That's when I was starting to get ANNOYED with Corrie, and just wanted him to leave me alone. But, obviously, he didn't know that because I was avoiding him. So there you go. But I wrote something down then that I had forgotten, but I really like it. And that's that I don't need scores of boyfriends...just one, if he's the right one. Well, Corrie most definately was NOT the right one, so I only need two. And it's hard, really hard, to remember that sometimes, but I'm trying.

Lately I've been thinking about how cool it would be to be a lady who goes to like, girls' retreats and stuff and talks about purity and body image and being a woman of God. I think I would really love that. And I was thinking about how I'd want Barlow Girl to travel with me, because they take a big stand on purity, which I think is cool, and way too unheard of in our society.

Then I was thinking about how somewhere, there are girls standing in line for a make-over.

What made them think they needed one, that they aren't beautiful just how God made them, that in order to be liked and accepted, they need to hide under a thousand pounds of foundation and glitter eye-shadow? Who told them that modesty isn't attractive? That girls can't play in the mud? That it isn't okay to wear jogging pants and flip-flops to the mall?

And why are they believing that?

And how many times do I believe that?

If We're Adding To The Noise, Turn Off This Song!

I think silence is one of the most important things in life.

I'm all for listening to music, and talking, and hearing the every day noises around me, but one of the most peaceful times in my life was at the Swihart's cabin, when we were all laying down on the ice watching the stars act all starry.

And it was silent...a silent so loud that you could barely think or act or feel anything except for wonder.

I think people get so caught up in living loudly: music in their car, at home, every where they go with their iPods. There is always noise. You can't escape it. But it's also nice not to add to it.

I really like driving the truck for the reason of noise. As in, there is no working radio in it. Therefore, I sing to myself. Or just talk out loud. Or think. Or pray. Or I'm just silent.

Mostly the latter two.

And it's really nice. I miss the pounding bass from my car, and the other sweet hook-ups, but there is something almost pure about not having those things. It's like, you realize that you don't really need them.

Do I Dare?

My prayer, my thoughts:

Dare
by RISEabove

I imagine God in eternity looking down and thinking of me
and how He lost me to the one who is the enemy of His son
and I'm not sure what He thought next, but it was the recompence
of all the sin caused by me showing the Judge that I was guilty

now I imagine God on Calvarys tree, ripped apart and thinking of me
and of the way I'd treat His love, He knew of my unwilling heart
and He knew of my stubborn mind, my selfishness and my pride
He knew the way i'd live my life wouldn't show i'm thankful He died

do I dare to take God's place, throne myself and spit in His face
and do I dare to serve myself, enforce my will and put God on the shelf
and do I dare make God second best when it was He who passed the test
and do I dare forget calvary where He died to make me free

now I imagine God on his throne not requiring payment for His loan
but still crying when He sees how I live my life in the here and now
I put my agenda so high on the scale I know I must make God wail
even louder than when He was nailed to the tree cause the only one I serve is still me

now i imagine God at my last breath looking at my grade on His test
and then He looks at His Son Who nailed all the tests that i have failed
to a tree on golgatha so that i could see His Father
oh can You forgive me God for the worst deal You ever got

Godly Examples

Happy Good Friday!

Tonight we (as in, my Sunday School class) are watching The Passion of the Christ and I think it will be really cool. I just hope (and pray) that I'm able to focus on what God did for me. What Jesus did for me. I don't think it will be hard with that movie, but I'm prepared.

Note to self: Take off mascara before going to Ms. Mindy's to watch movie

I realized the other day, as I was writing a fantastic 9 page letter to Sydni to go in her box, that I really really miss her. Like, a lot. I miss going to the skate park with her, and trying on outfits at the mall. I miss watching lame movies late at night with her. I miss just talking to her, about boys and God and the Bible and friends. I saw someone in our church parking lot the other Sunday, and I swear I thought it was her. I got so excited and almost called out her name, but I'm glad I didn't because it wasn't her. She was such a great friend. I totally looked up to her, even though she was younger than me, because she was totally comfortable with who she was. And I think - I know - she totally looked up to me too, which is a total compliment.

Now Carli is like the next Sydni. Which is cool. It's different because Sydni is only like 4 years younger than me, but Carli is 7 years younger than me. I think young girls, like Carli and Sydni's ages, and everyone, really, needs an older Christian girl to look up to. Someone who has their act together, or tries to anyway, and really wants to follow God. I wish I had had that. But I didn't. So I want to be that for other girls.

I guess Ms. Mindy is kind of that for me. I look up to her A LOT. She's such a godly woman, but she isn't scared to admit the times she has messed up, and she knows how to apply lessons from her life to our Sunday School lesson, and whenever I'm just talking to her.

Carboard Cars

There was this one time, when I was younger, and for some reason, we had this big box in our house. So I took it, and cut some holes and attached a string. And I made a little cardboard seat, and I made a steering wheel. Then I made some liscence plates. And headlights. And I'm pretty sure there were some paper plate wheels.

It was sweet like that.

And I vividly remember, once I was sitting in my little cardboard car, right in the hallway between mine and my parent's rooms. And I was just there.

I've Gone Fishing!

FISH was sweet today. It was just me and Cody and Chris, and we literally prayed the whole time. I loved it.

I love prayer. To think that the God who made the heavens, who owns the stars and calls the moon out by name...to think that He wants me to talk Him is incredible.

It's like, who am I to know Him?

And, And, And...

And so last night was fun. Carli and I made up card games (I totally lost, because she had three of the jacks, which were each worth 1700 points.), and then we made up these songs. And it was funny. SO while everyone else was downstairs having boring adult conversation, we were upstairs laughing our heads off.

And then, today, I was just going to sit at my locker during advisory and work on my Anthropology ntoes, but I knew that I should go to Youth Alive. But I was like, "No, God, I have too much work to do." Then I heard the music. And no, I wasn't daydreaming. But a Christian praise band from one of the local churches had come, and we were going to do praise and worship. So I stood up, and I went. And I am so glad I did, because it was sweet. The band rocked - literally. They had gone all out with a complete drum set, two guitars, one bass, a keyboard, amps, microphones, the whole sha-bang. And the special education kids all came, and they totally had a BLAST, which is cool. And the room was packed, and there were even kids in the hallway listening. So I got to worship God AT SCHOOL, with tons of other people, including a teacher. And the rest of the day, thus far, I've had the songs stuck in my head, which have put me in an automatic state of God-Awareness. Which is what I need.

And I'm really hungry, and kind of bummed because my brother leaves tomorrow for home. But Jeff and Kayla's wedding is in like a month and a half, so I'll get to see them all then, which will actually be a lot of fun, as opposed to how I originally thought it would be. And our last day of school (and my 19th birthday) is in just 6 weeks and 3 days. Crazy.

And tonight I have Bible study at Ms. Mindy's, and God's taught me a LOT this week, so it'll be nice to share that. If I get a chance. If God tells me to.

And yesterday I spent a good hour or so looking at Christian shirts, and I found a lot that I really like, so there you go.

RK Update

Matthew Thiesen from Relient K has a new band. It's called "Matthew Thiesen and the Earthquakes" which is a clever name, if you ask me. They have a couple of songs on Pure Volume, and they are pretty sweet.

I think I'll always love the members of Relient K, and even more so if they come up here to do a concert.

These Thoughts Keep Rolling Around

I think I'm a hypochondriac. Seriously. Like, if I hear of a disease where a person's leg turns green and falls off, I will totally think my leg has a slightly green tinge, like I am heading towards one-legged disaster slowly but surely. It's sad, really.

Is calling yourself a hypochondriac included in being a hypochondriac?

We're going to the Trout's for dinner again tonight. It's like my third time to their house for a meal in like a month and a half. It'll be fun. I love their family. Mrs. Trout started crying on Sunday, I think she was thinking about me leaving. I seem to have a crying effect on people. And Carli and I decided to play cards and "bet" again. Ryne is...I don't know. He's nice, but I don't really know him. And I mean, I teach Carli in Sunday School pretty often, and the only time I really see Ryne and am acknowledged by him is in Sunday School. And really, it's lame how you know someone, but when you are they are with other people, it's totally like, "And, who are you again?"

I had a doctor appointment this morning. Not to worry, no critical diseases, though I did have a fever and we don't know why. Maybe it's some incurrable disease. Haha. Just kidding. I had to get a shot today, though. And I don't really mind shots, but it's super weird when you can feel the liquid from the shot going into you.

Another thing. By being a non-conformist, aren't you conforming? Because if no one conforms, then everyone doesn't conform. And by not conforming, aren't you conforming to everyone else? Just a thought.

Sometimes, okay, most of the time, I get so caught up in this world. And I forget that in a thousand years, when I'm praising Jesus in His presence, with Him like looking right at me, and I'm just lost in His beauty and His love, it won't matter that in my anthropology class, I currently have a C-. It won't matter that I'm failing US Government. It totally won't. And I forget to think about things like that because I have a really bad memory, but it's true. And that's a sweet thought.

I'm so excited to be with Jesus. The whole idea of people coming back after death as like rocks and fish, the whole reincarnation thing, it's kind of depressing. I mean, why would you WANT to come back as a tree when you can just spend forever with the Lord who created everything? And my Pastor's wife, Linda, she brought up a cool praise in church on Sunday. And that's that, if I were the only person to ever be created, God would have spent the exact same amount of time and love on creating the sunrises, and the stars, and turtles, and platypuses. And He still would have sent His Son just for me. And who can hear that and not think that God is the greatest God ever? I mean, did Buddha do that? What about Muhammad? And Moses? No.

This one girl at school, Allison, she's kind of my friend. Anyway, today she found out that her friend in California committed suicide. And I can't help but think how things would have turned out differently if she had just ignored Satan's lies that she isn't good enough, that things will never get better, that the only way out is to end things. Imagine if someone had come into her life and spoken to her the truth: The truth that Life comes from God, that He loves her more than she can begin to comprehend, that His love is unending, pure, and holy.

Then I think, what if it's up to me to tell people about God, people who have so much dispair in their lives that suicide is an option for them? Where do I start? It's so easy to type what I could say, but to actually say it is another story. What if they laugh at me? What if they don't get it? What if they, what if they, what if they,... There are so many what-ifs.

2 Timothy 1:7-10 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began, but has now been revealed by the appearing of our Savior Jesus Christ, who has abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel..."

I know, I know. So why do I act like I don't know?

I guess I forget how truly incredible God is. I think that when you've been saved since you were young, or even after the initial joy rubs off, you forget how awesome it is that GOD, the GOD of the universe!!!!!, saved you. I know I'm called to live in joy, but I don't know how to. So if you are reading this and can help, please leave me a note, or something.

So that's all. I've officially, for the time being, emptied my mind, except for a few rants I have, but no one wants to hear about those. I'll talk to God about them. So yeah.

Okay.

Bye.

Are You a Trekkie?

My poor car. And my poor brother trying to plan his wedding. And my poor dad hating work. And my poor Mom working endless hours. And poor Ms. Mindy who has started crying every time she sees me.

I've been so....meh lately. I totally don't know how to describe it.

I hate it when I let the bad things (though there may be just one bad thing all day) overpower the good things. Like, I had an awesome time at breakfast with my friends, and I found out I got the 2nd highest grade on my French test, but none of that mattered, really, since my car broke down.

So yeah, my car is pretty much dead. Like, there is gas where gasis not supposed to be. And it would pretty much be dumb to fix it, since it isn't worth that much anyway. But I'm bummed. I mean, what about all of my bumper stickers? And what about a CAR for the next 4 months? I mean, there is always the truck..which I love...but it's not my car. Jimmy. *SOB*

But...life is fun. And that's all. Oh, and people are fun, too.

I have a prom picture on our desktop, and I must say, we were a very cute group of people! :) haha :)

100th Posting News

Wow, so this is my 100th post. I feel so special. I should totally make it worth while, but I can't think of anything worthwhile to say. So I'll say this:

100th POST! WOOHOO!

aka

100th POST! WOOHOO!

Who AM I?

Who AM I? I wonder that.

I'm so mean sometimes. I'm a jerk.

jerk: n. A foolish, rude, or contemptible person

That's totally me. Seriously.

Like today in school. I was just being a brat. A jerk. An idiot.

And for that I am sorry.

It's just, like, this thing we were talking about, I don't know.

Maybe I'm just still upset about last night. I found ot my grandparents aren't coming to my graduation. And neither is my grandpa. Or any other relatives, except maybe my aunt and uncle who live here in AK, except my parents. And I was totally bummed. I could see it coming. But I totally started crying. And I cried for a while. I mean, they told me they were coming. And now they aren't. But I realized that my family isn't just blood. My church is my family - Ms. Mindy and Ms. Janelle and Ms. Mindy and the Trouts and all the Bowkers and everyone.

Okay, I know this is my third post today, but I thought it'd be weird to put all three of these together since they are all so different from eachother subject-wise. And I could write another few, too.

I hate.......I hate stupidity. And jerkdom.

My Thoughts

I was thinking, and what if we took all of our technology that we're putting into cell phones and iPods and computers and cars and TVs, what if we took all of that and put it towards finding a cure for AIDS or cancer? Or homelessness? Or world hunger? Imagine the strides we would make.

Or, what if we took all of the money people spend on prom, renting tux's, buying dresses, and shoes and accessories, doing your hair and nails, renting limos, dinner, tickets, setting it up, even..what if we took all of that money and donated it to charities? Like STAR. And LOVE, inc. Or the Boys and Girls Club. Imagine that.

We would change the world if we weren't so us-centered.

The OFFICIAL Prom Post

Prom: n. A formal dance held for a high-school or college class typically at or near the end of the academic year.

AKA : a super fun reason to get dressed up all spiffy-like with your closest friends, eat a delicious meal at IHOP with a sweet waiter named John Madden, play combative mini-golf, wave at people in cars, but not pedestrians because they are all homeless and will chase your car asking for money. It's a reason to plan sign arrangements in case the driver (Kristina, whose real name is Kristina with a K, not Nichole with an N) kills us all, and to decide to have real flowers and balloons on our birthdays, but those fabric and plastic fake flowers the rest of the year. And then, when you actually get there, you scope out the other dresses, making small talk with people you barely know while the rest of your group either A) gets pictures taken, B) dances the night away, C) Eats food, D) Talks to other people, E) Randomly gets up and walks away, F) takes random pictures with the cameras on the table, or G) All of the above, and then some. OH, or H) Plays I-Spy.

All in all, a very fun night. I love my friends. And other people, i.e. Cody and Chris, who are becoming my friends.

And another thing: I really really really really really really really like guys in tux's. Not any guy in particular :) but guys in tux's generally.