C'est Le Weekend.

This was a great weekend... one of my favorites in a long time. Shaun and I went to his aunt and uncle's farm in Paul's Valley, and met his dad and sister there, along with a few other relatives.

We spent our time fishing (I caught 5 - FIVE!!! - fish, and released them all), driving 4-Wheelers, playing Washers (or, in Shaun's Dad's case, Warshers), and just hanging out. I got really badly sunburned (again):

You can't really tell, but I'm very red. I will be wearing skirts for the next week or so. And yes, that's a burn line from my Teva's. Fantastic. I wore my Party Pink shorts today, and the burn line on my thigh is ridiculous. So painful. I'm chugging the water now and rubbing Body Biolage lotion on. You'd think I would have learned my lesson from last April, which I still have a burn line from - I'm not completely healed yet. But no... I didn't.

Idiot.

It was fun, though, this weekend. I liked seeing Shaun in that environment, away from the internet and his computer, fishing and 4-Wheeling, and being with his family. Paul's Valley is officially my favorite Oklahoma spot, and I would totally live there, at least from September to November, then from March to May.

For Hannah.

This is the story of a girl.

She hid her heart in Christ, and kept it there, locked away in a secret place. She knew that the greatest love of all was hers... and because of that, she made standards and kept them.

Many men lined up to date her. They brought her flowers, their love, romantic poems... but none of them had the qualities that she desired and needed. None were able to climb the ladder to reach her heart that was so well hidden in the Lord.

But the girl had a light - the Holy Spirit - that was there to help her. The light shone on whichever man was worthy of her love. And it rested on one man only. When that light - the light of love for and in the Lord - appeared, the girl knew that that was the man ordained for her.

Only he was able to climb the ladder, to search the Lord for the girl's heart. And only when he sought the Lord did he receive her love in return.

Here I am, humbled by the love that You give; forgiven so that I can forgive…
Now I know the greatest love of all is mine
Since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice…
Majesty, majesty, Your grace has found me just as I am -
Empty-handed but alive in Your hands…
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Junior Year So Far.

Me and Shaun.


At the Walk.


Kerr RAs, Clue Style.

Chapel Today.

I’ve been complacent.

But now I know the greatest love of all is mine, since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice….Majesty… Majesty.

James 1:5-6 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.”

James 1:16 “Don’t be deceived….”

When did I allow God to get this boring? When did I take His place from Him and give it to another? How am I going to change it?

God is in all things, for He fulfills. God is outside of all things for He gives shape. God is over all things, for He sees all. God is under all things, for He gives life to all things. God is everywhere, in everything, unbound by time or mistakes or my selfish ambitions and desires.

Matthew 5:8 “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”

Happy are those who get God – those who understand Him and what He is like – for God will be real to them.

I wanted to stand up, but I didn’t. Fear and apprehension and the chains held me back. He is asking me to do something hard… I think… but it has been so dang confusing lately, and I’m not really sure anymore of anything.

James 1:5-6 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.”

<>

I Love.

Taking a leaf from Hannah's book...

A List of Things I Love:
- Really good books that capture me, sweeping me into literary oblivion.
- People who take time to listen and talk to me.
- My girls, past and present. I love when my 2nd South girls stop by my room, or call me out on campus.
- My room, once again, the place I can go to just BE.
- Spending the night in Yurts with the Sisters and the conversations we have.
- Hippie bracelets.
- Bracelets in general.
- Watching people. At Spotlight tonight, Rachel and I were just sitting on the curb while she ate a hot dog, and I was watching people, and she commented. And I really do like to watch people. Seeing their mannerisms and how they interact with others... it's fascinating to me.
- MAIL!!!!! Especially when it's cookies... they are my favorite.
- My classes this semester.
- The Kerr RAs.
- Cold, sweater weather.
- Really fun, cute dresses.
- Working out.
- Setting and achieving goals.
- Crossing things off of To-Do Lists.

It's funny how most of the things that make me happy are completely random. But I guess it's the little things that really add up to the big things that matter.

The Sad Truth About Happiness.

I just finished reading a book titled "The Sad Truth About Happiness" by Anne Giardini. And while I am still not sure how I feel about it, there is a certain part that stands out to me.

The novel is about a woman, Maggie, who is on a personal quest to find happiness. There is not a lot of dialogue in it, but there is a lot of action... and a lot of stillness. But I digress.

P. 269:
"Happiness is more ephemeral than thought. It can't be observed without changing its nature. Its ingredients are subtle, and there is not guarantee that a formula or recipe for joy can be written out or passed on or repeated even once again. Happiness evades capture, dissolving like a melody into the air, eluding even the most delicate, careful grasp. It frustrates any systematic search, responding better to random fossicking and oblique approaches, and its rewards are infuriatingly arbitrary, stingy, or abundant by purest chance.

"Life is perhaps after all simply this thing and then the next. We are all of us improvising. We find a careful balance only to discover that gravity or stasis or love or dismay or illness or some other force suddenly tows us in unexpected direction. We wake up to find that we have changed abruptly in a way that is peculiar and inexplicable. We are constantly adjusting, making it up, feeling our way forward, figuring out how to be and where to go next. We work it out, how to be happy, but sooner or later comes a change - sometimes something small, sometimes everything at once - and we have to start over again, feeling our way back to a provisional state of contentment."

---------------------------

My life has felt very... I don't know. Very different lately. Very much like the paragraphs dictate. I am starting my third year of college, and I feel as if I am just in the flow, going along, not really sure. We really are - I really am - constantly adjusting, making it up as I go.

And I'm not sure if that's how life is supposed to be or not. I love talking to my new residents, hearing what they want to do, where they want to go... and I love thinking that during my freshman year, I thought I had it all figured up.

And boy did that change.

I changed my major. I changed my passions (or did my passions change me? Interesting thought...). I changed my friends (or rather, gained new ones). I changed what was important to me (which may or may not be a positive thing). I became more concerned with building relationships and less concerned with having lots of friends.

But I became a sort of social butterfly. I didn't see that in myself until earlier this week, when I was talking to a friend. But now, as I walk around campus, I say hi (and have hi said to me) by a lot of people. I know their names, but not necessarily anything else about them.

All of this to say, what is happiness? What does it look like? What does it look like in general and in my life specifically?

I think that happiness is having someone to talk to, someone to listen to, and something to talk about. Happiness is having something to do, emotions to feel, and thoughts to think. I feel happiest when I am talking to someone who knows what they are talking about, someone who can impart their wisdom upon me, someone who thinks that I am worthy of their time, effort, and energy.

I like knowing that I am worth it.

I mean, I know I am. Shoot - the God, the LORD, of the Universe sent His Son for me. I know that... but sometimes I don't. I know it in my head, but my heart doesn't always listen. My heart gets caught up in the things of this world, and it forgets the things out of this world.

I heard a song on the Christian radio station and it talks about how it's okay to not find your place here, because you don't belong here. And I forget that. And through that, I lose my happiness. I miss out on blessings God has intended for me. When I think more about life here than life THERE, I miss blessings.

Thus, happiness is living freely, unconcerned with the expectations of the world because your focus isn't on this world. This summer, I learned a lot about me... who I am, what I enjoy, what makes me ME. And I learned to be happy with that. No, I am not a supermodel (but I did try out for ANTM and I look in the mirror and know that I am breathtakingly beautiful). I am not an athlete (but I enjoy working out and am running a 5K in less than a month). Sometimes I get quiet (but I like to observe other people, I like to watch what they do - I learn a lot about them that way).

By being okay with myself, I subconsciously give other people the freedom and permission to be okay with themselves, too. I am not scared of looking foolish or being embarrassed, and hopefully people see that about me.

Happiness is knowing that in this life, it mattered that you lived. Happiness is knowing that without you, someone's life would be completely different. Happiness is seeing the kids at Mission Center run up, hold your hand, sit next to you. Happiness is talking to my girls, getting to know them where they are NOW, meeting their needs and praying with them. Happiness is living in the moment, not living in the future. Happiness is being okay with the fact that the future is not promised to us.

Hall.

Well, my girls are moved in. Most of them, anyway. I have three more or so that may show up. And I love them! They are all so beautiful and sweet. I can't wait to get to know them better.

I think we are going to have a painting party this weekend to paint canvasses to hang in the hall. It would be fun. Ever since we made Jade's present, I've had a hankering for painting. Call me crazy... but it's fun.

Say Okay.

I met a beautiful old woman today who graduated from OBU in 1944. She now serves on the Board of Directors or something like that, and is staying in the guest suite here in Kerr.

She asked where I was from, then told me a story about her husband going bear hunting in Kotzebue, Alaska in the 1970s, and how she gave him a check to give to the pastor of a Southern Baptist Church just so that he would attend a church service. The Pastor told him that he was the first hunter to ever go to church there.

I love random little meeting people moments like this. I love when you meet someone, and are just like, "Oh, hey, we have a little connection here."

My new girls move in tomorrow. I've realized that I haven't been calling them My Girls, like I did last year. My heart is a little bit hardened right now. I'm not really feeling this whole "RA" thing. But... it's coming. In less than 7 hours I will be waking up to get ready to welcome my girls. Crazy.

I want to leave a mark on their lives. I want it to matter that I am here. I don't want to just drift through this year, not really caring. Because I need to care. I need to be here for them. I need to do my job, putting my heart into it. My girls deserve that, if nothing else. I want them to know that I love them, even though I don't know them yet. I need a heart change.

And I need sleep. Story of my life.

Tired.

RA training is pretty much over, and in two days, the new little freshmen move in. It's... weird. Exciting? We're getting there.

I un-bunked my beds by myself today. I was actually really proud. Now I need to take some boxes to the attic... but it scares me. I've been putting it off since Monday. I need to get them up there by Friday night. That means I have one more day. Gosh. I'll go do it now. Scary. I'll go when I'm done with this.

I bought my textbooks today. And I am so excited about my classes now! I was looking at my texts, and they look so interesting and fun! One of my books is full of just kids songs, songs to sing with my students when I am a teacher. I think they are so great. I laid in my room, just singing the songs to myself, until Emily came in and we went to dinner.

I hung up my Africa map and my Labyrinth movie poster today.

I feel very... I don't even know.
I'm tired. Emotionally, especially, but also physically. Very tired physically. I just want to sleep all the time. I run my 5K in a little over a month, and I have pretty much stopped running completely. It's bad. But I'm so tired.

Friends come soon, then parents. Yay.

Oh My Gosh! An Empty Chair!

Just got back from RA retreat.

We had two hours of free time one afternoon, so Cari and I went for a run that turned into a walk after a short period of time. And we just talked and walked for two hours. It was fantastic. We had a really good conversation. And it makes me excited to be working with her again. We didn't just talk about superficial stuff, but we discussed relationships, and God, and our families, and trips we went on this summer.

It makes me realize how much the other RAs matter in my life. They are the ones that understand what it's like when residents are crap, when life is busy overwhelming, when everyone comes to you all the time and you just need to talk. They understand. And I like that.

I mean, I know other people understand, too. People will always act like crap, life will always be busy overwhelming, and people will always need to just talk.

So I don't know. But I like it.

Strengths Quest.

I am Strategic.

The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, “What if this happened? Okay, well what if this happened?” This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections. You discard the paths that lead nowhere. You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance. You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path—your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your Strategic theme at work: “What if?” Select. Strike.

I am Futuristic.

“Wouldn’t it be great if . . .” You are the kind of person who loves to peer over the horizon. The future fascinates you. As if it were projected on the wall, you see in detail what the future might hold, and this detailed picture keeps pulling you forward, into tomorrow. While the exact content of the picture will depend on your other strengths and interests—a better product, a better team, a better life, or a better world—it will always be inspirational to you. You are a dreamer who sees visions of what could be and who cherishes those visions. When the present proves too frustrating and the people around you too pragmatic, you conjure up your visions of the future and they energize you. They can energize others, too. In fact, very often people look to you to describe your visions of the future. They want a picture that can raise their sights and thereby their spirits. You can paint it for them. Practice. Choose your words carefully. Make the picture as vivid as possible. People will want to latch on to the hope you bring.

I have Positivity.

You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Some call you lighthearted. Others just wish that their glass were as full as yours seems to be. But either way, people want to be around you. Their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. Lacking your energy and optimism, some find their world drab with repetition or, worse, heavy with pressure. You seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. You inject drama into every project. You celebrate every achievement. You find ways to make everything more exciting and more vital. Some cynics may reject your energy, but you are rarely dragged down. Your Positivity won’t allow it. Somehow you can’t quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one’s sense of humor.

I am a Developer.

You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view no individual is fully formed. On the contrary, each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. And all the while you are on the lookout for the signs of growth—a new behavior learned or modified, a slight improvement in a skill, a glimpse of excellence or of “flow” where previously there were only halting steps. For you these small increments—invisible to some—are clear signs of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and satisfaction. Over time many will seek you out for help and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you.

I have Empathy.

You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.

Running.

I have a new hero. Or rather, a role model.

Her name is Shelly-Ann Frazer and she is from Jamaica. And if you watched the woman's 100 meter race tonight at the Olympics, you know who she is.

She won.

But that's not necessarily why I liked her. I liked her because this was her first big race. She was the one that NO ONE expected anything from. But she went out and did her thing. And she got a gold medal for it. Seeing her face at the end of the race was brilliant. She kept jumping around and smiling, and you could tell that it was so important to her.

And she has braces, and that makes me happy. And she's only 21.

I haven't gone running, or worked out at all, in like a week and a half. And I can tell. My body doesn't like it. Already I don't feel as toned or fit as I had become. And I am more tired than before. But this week is crazy. I don't know when I can find time to do it. And I don't like that either. But I know that when I reach the end of my 5K, which is taking place in almost one month, I will be just as excited at Shelly-Ann Frazer was tonight. The look on my face will be an exact mirror of the look on her face.

Tomorrow we are going on the annual RA retreat. We have 3 or 4 hours of free time in the afternoon. I think I'll go running. I already packed some shorts and my outdoor running shoes.

But now, I am utterly exhausted. So sleep is coming quickly...
As is morning.

OHH! But I wore my tie-dye shirt that I Made with Cody today. And got tons of compliments on it. Well, like 5. But still! Fun.

Kerr.

I'm slowly settling into this whole Kerr thing. But really, this building scares me. A lot. The elevator is so creepy - the kind that has a metal grate that goes over the door. And a lone light bulb hanging from the ceiling. And the attic? There could SO be a dead body up there. I just hope it doesn't try to crawl into my room.

Pretty sure I just heard a knock at my door... and it's 12:30am. I'm freaking myself out.

Shaun doesn't help. He's good at scaring me. (It is SO good to see him, by the way.)

But my new room is nice. It's quaint. I have a set of bunk beds, two desks, two closety things, two miniscule dressers, and my fridge. And all my stuff. I have a huge bag and a big box full of stuff I don't want or need anymore. A lot of it is clothes. I had 27 T-shirts. I got rid of like 10 of them. And lots of other STUFF that was just taking up room. Shaun's DAd was making fun of all my stuff.

OH MY WORD. I thought I had lost the Mission Center binder. I called Shaun and my mom, practically in hysterics. Then I found it... and twenty bucks.

Ha. I keep getting distracted by facebook and my conversation with Hannah. And now Addi (can't wait to see the OCBF).

Well, I have church soon. And I need to journal, read my Bible, then SLEEP. Sleep has not been a priority in my life lately, and I miss it.

Flying "Home".

Well, I am at the airport now, in Chicago. And first of all, this airport is huge. I had to HIKE across it to get to gate F2C. Yes, that’s right. There’s an F2A, an F2B, an F2C, AND an F2D. Ridiculous.

I wasn’t even supposed to leave home until about right now, but Mom found another itinerary, and I was able to fly out last night. I didn’t sleep at all on the plane, but that’s okay I guess. I was seated in the window seat of an emergency exit aisle, and needless to say, I was freezing cold.

I see Shaun in… less than 4 hours. I’m just a little bit excited. Well, I give in. I’m a LOT excited.

I enjoy people watching. The pilot sitting across from me has a “Jet Fuel Only” sticker on his suitcase. I saw a kid that reminded me a lot of what I think a younger Shaun would have been like. It’s funny, the kind of people that drink Starbucks: businessmen, old men that carry hiking packs, girls like me…funny. I guess coffee is a universal thing. I have my Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte sitting next to me. We are friends.

My battery will not last much longer. When I get to Shaun’s house (YAY!!!!!!!!!!) I will plug it in and post this on-line. As it is, I am typing it on Word right now because I can’t log in to the internet.

It was a bit tragic flying out of Alaska last night. The mountains, the trees, the lakes… all so beautiful. But then I remember that I have some awesome pictures of those things and it makes it all a little bit easier to deal with. That, and Hannah might come visit me… and that’s really exciting.

Addi got an apartment on campus. I’ll admit. I’m a little jealous. I’m currently dealing with the whole “I don’t want to be an RA again” thing. When the time comes, it will be fine… but until then? I want an apartment. I want to NOT eat in the ARA. I want, I want, I want.

{Newsflash, Melissa… it doesn’t matter what you want. The world does not revolve around you.}

My tummy hurts a little. I think the combination of grapes and coffee does not settle well with me. At all.

But I’m flying in a skirt today, which is something I’ve always wanted to do, and it’s fun. I don’t know that people look at me or treat me differently, but it’s still like “Ha, I’m in a skirt!”

Kind of like how on Wednesday, Hannah and I had an Enchanted party, and we put on fancy dresses to watch it. We both wore our senior year prom dresses. And I wore a sweater with mine. It was an homage to… well, I don’t know what to, but something. Anyway, it was fun. Then I told my Dad about it later, and he said we were dorks. At least we were pretty dorks. In our prom dresses. Watching a Disney movie about True Love’s Kiss. I know you are jealous, but green is not a good color for you.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Sports.

Another thing:

I like the Olympics. I haven't watched a lot of it this year, but I am now, kind of. And it's awesome.

If I was actually good at sports, I would so want to go to the Olympics. But as it is... I'm not. Though running and I are good friends now. And that's fun.

And soccer and I don't hate eachother. Even though I am bad, it's a lot of fun. I would like to be good.

Others.

Also, also.

Since all my bags are packed, and since I am a little bit bitter and don't want to bring them inside, I am wearing the clothes I had opted to leave here. Which means I spent today in sweatpants and a tie-dye shirt that is a million different colors. My outfit choices are going to be limited, and it makes me laugh.

And I restarted my sweater vest. Maybe I'll like it more now. The rows actually look NICE now.

And now I can finish my Africa scrapbook and clean my room before I go.

But I would still rather be with Shaun.

Presents.

Oh, but Brad got his Africa present today, and I think he liked it. He said in his Thank You text message that it is "Awesome." :)

I like getting people presents that they like.

Sad Day.

I should be at Shaun's house right now.
And I am not.

A dang volcano went off in the Aleutian Islands and it spewed out so much ash that all the flights out are cancelled. The next available flight I can get on is not until Friday morning. Go figure.

I just want to see my boyfriend.

In other news, "Breaking Dawn" is so good....... Oh, Edward. I still have a couple of hundred pages to go. I spent all day in bed reading it, too distraught to get up and do anything, even though it was sunny all day (for the 4th day all summer).

My Sunday School lesson yesterday was about Esther, how God made her queen, put her in her place, for a purpose and to do a job. And now, I guess God has me here for 4 more days for a purpose, to do a job. I don't have the SLIGHTEST idea what it is, but yeah, okay. Fine. I admit, my attitude has been foul all day long. I need an adjustment. And I need to remember that God isn't dumb. He does have a plan.

My head believes it...but my heart doesn't really want to.
But then I know I need to just change how I feel.