Publish Post? Yes Please!

Lots to do today, and not a lot of time to do it. I've gotta go to the bank, then shopping, then to Kristina's party, then to play soccer (maybe), then home to spend time with my grandparents who flew in last night, then we have church tonight. And I really want to play my guitar. And it's raining, which I love.

And I'm nervous about something, but I don't know what.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

That's how I feel right now.

I'm feeling literally TONS of emotions right now: anger. sadness. love. disappointment. dread. excitement. fear. and thousands more that I can't even put into words.

And I know why, but I hate it, and want it to end. And it isn't. And it is not fun. And...

I think my heart is going to explode from over-use, which really, wouldn't be a terrible thing right now, but still. Not so pretty. Imagine all these emotions pouring from my heart and splattering on the walls, books, computer screen, everywhere.

I don't want another repeat of before. That just went horribly awry. But...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

The song "Ocean" by Mae comes to mind right now.

Ouch.

I am sore from my birthday hike on Saturday. My shoulder muscles and my thighs. And I'm totally scratched up on my legs and have bruises.

But it was soooo worth it.

We conquered a mountain. Then went to Palmer Fred Meyer's and bought stuff and had a picnic in front of the library. Then rolled and spun around a lot. Then we went to a park. And we chased gangsters. Not really.

It was the sweetest birthday weekend ever. No joke.

God is sooo good.

And he was supposed to come, but didn't.

And instead, he showed up unexpectadly. I hate when he does. It just catches me off guard. And really, I hate when I know about it and he shows up. I just hate seeing him, pretty much. I shouldn't, but I do. And I don't know if that's a bad thing or not.

I Forgot.

I forgot to say in the last one that I army crawled today. Kind of. And I got rug burns on the top of my feet that really hurt. So I have bandaids on. It's funny. :)

It's My Birthday!

Today is my birthday!

Yay!!!! It was such a great day! I love my friends and my family and my school and everything on this beautiful planet that God so graciously made!

And I hope that doesn't sound corny, because really, that's how I feel.

So this morning, Mom and Dad came in and sang me Happy Birthday and an Army-type song that Dad changed for my birthday. It was sweet. Then I fellback asleep, then got up and got ready, and Dad drove me to school in his police car.

So I walk down to my locker, and it isn't decorated, and I'm kind of bummed. So I just sit there and look at my yearbook, and I glance down the hall, and there's Hannah carrying a plastic bag and smiling sheepishly. So she reaches me, and says, "Hey, you should go walk around the school so I can deocrate your locker!" So I start laughing, and wander aimlessly around the school for the next like 15 minutes. Okay, it wasn't that long, but still. Johanna Donner sees me and gets me some cotten candy from Mr. Scharf for my birthday, and I see the french one kids outside jumping rope, and I walk around some more, and go to my locker and Hannah is done and my locker looks really cool and I get super stoked.

So then we stand in the hallway with Chrissy and are late for Anthropology. REALLY DIDN'T MATTER. And Tony wasn't there, which ticked me off cause he was supposed to sign my yearbook. So anyway. Hannah made me a T-shirt that says "Today is my 18th Birthday!" So I went into the bathroom and put it on and wore it all day. And people kept telling me "Happy Birthday" which was fun.

During third hour, we watched the kareoke video that Brittany and I made for Hannah. And it was really embarrasing and funny.

In fourth hour, I ripped a kid's $50.00 in half...oops. :)

Lucas baked me an AWESOME sour cream cake, which I happily began to consume during lunch. And people walking past just kind of stared at me. Haha.

Fast forward to French. One girl bought me two huge things of Apple Juice (my favorite) and some ice-cream for my birthday. We happily consumed them and spent the rest of the class talking and signing yearbooks. It was sweet. I think that out of everything high school entailed, I'm going to miss my French class the most. They are such awesome people. During French class, the office brought me some flowers from Debbie and Earl, which was really really nice of them, and I got a couple of birthday cards (from Hannah, Glendy, Emily) and just felt special.

Went to work afterwards. Woohoo.

Came home, opened presents. Dad bought me a knife, and I got dishes and sheets for college. And lots of $$$$$ from family. Talked to Brad and Jeff on the phone, and we ate at a Mexican retsurant for dinner (I wanted fish, but didn't know where to get any, so there you go). After dinner, Dad and I played catch in the yard, which was fun. I miss playing baseball -A LOT-. I think at OBU, I'm gonna play intermural softball.

And tonight I played "mmbop" on my guitar. And now I'm talking to two of the greatest most godly people I know.

And I am sooooooooo blessed. And I have to take Megan a piece of my cake on Sunday. She'll love it. :)

I FORGOT! The Roots called and left a message on the answering machine for me. They all sang a birthday song for me, then at the end all shouted "WE LOVE YOU, MELISSA!" And I felt so loved. And Hannah sent me the coolest e-card in the world.

What an AWESOME day. And tomorrow I am hiking.

T Minus Two Days And Counting.

In two days, I become an adult. Though, really, it won't change much. The only thing this birthday will change, is that I can now vote. I mean, I'm not going to smoke or do anything that is illegal for me to do right now. But still...it's exciting to be an official adult.

Sometimes I act like a little kid again. Like tonight at church, I played "Chase" with these five year olds and a sixth grader. It was really just glorified tag. And it wasn't even glorified. It was just tag. And how totally mature is that? But when I turn 18, do I still have to act mature all the time? It's getting close to when I can't watch Disney movies, or listen to Aaron Carter and stuff.

Not that I listen to him all the time right now... :) haha. I only have like 6 of his songs on my iPod, tops. And that poster? It's old, I swear. I just haven't taken it down yet. (Okay, I totally DO NOT have an Aaron Carter poster. Really.)

Okay, that's all.

T Minus 3 Days And Counting.

I hate it when people get attitudes. Like, when they think that they are always right, or when they say something jerky, or when they think something is their business when it's not. I hate that.

It's like, they don't know who they are or something so they have to do everything they can to put themselves out there for people to say, "Yeah, okay, you're a cool person."

Then I think, do I need that kind of recognition and approval? Am I the type of person I hate?

I also hate it when people judge other people before they really know them. But now, as I think about it, maybe that's what I'm doing right now. I'm judging people for why they do specific things. And I mean, I know the person I'm talking about. Kind of. I guess.

It's interesting how you think you know someone, then you realize that you actually don't, that they are completely not who you thought they were. I don't know. It's just kind of a time when you stop and simply say, "Oh. I dind't know that about you. Okay then." And it isn't really bad, per say, but it isn't super great either.

I'm probably not making any sense to anyone reading this, but it makes sense to me.

Last night was fun, kind of, I guess. It is what sparked paragraph four. And I'm looking forward to this summer, but it was be akward, I think. But maybe it won't be if I don't make it that way.

I really confuse myself sometimes. And I get mad at myself. And I think its dumb. This whole thing I'm thinking about right now. I think I'm really passive aggressive. I'm not one for confrontation, but I'll do something that is...I don't even know how to explain it.

I wonder if God ever gets tired of my antics. Like, does He ever look down and think "Why the heck did you do that, Melissa? What have I taught you? I gave you a brain for a reason. You should use it. Come on, now, time is running out. Do you really want to live like that?" If He does, I have no excuses. None at all.

Which is not a fun thought to think about.

T Minus 4 Days And Counting.

Okay, so high school ends in four days. And I wrote a letter to go with my thank-you notes today, or rather, yesterday. And it's a really good one, too.

I'm ready. I think. It will be weird hanging out with Maria and Megan and Tyler and all of them, and Jen, since I'll be out of high school, and transitioning onto bigger and better and more expensive things.

I'm excited for the summer, though. I'm hoping to do lots of stuff with my friends...all of them.

My grandparents come up from Oregon in like a week and a day. It'll be really cool to have them here. Last time they came up, though, there was a lot of drama. Seems like I'm always surrounded by drama. With family. School. Friends. Church.

I totally yelled at the kids in Sunday School the other day. Yesterday, I guess. And like, all the parents found out. Which is fine, because hopefully it means that they will become more respectful. Which they need to do.

And I'm really struggling with something. And it's hard. I'm really glad that Jesus has set me free from this life.

That's all I have to say right now.

Thirty-Two This Time Around.

Though it may be considered overkill, another list of things I love:

1. Sumo-wrestling and falling so you LITERALLY can not get up.
2. Fighting with giant Q-tips and being the first girl to beat a guy.
3. Cheering on Chris while he sumo-wrestled Cody (and won!).
4. Seeing people in an environment that isn't school, and realizing that they are totally cool guys.
5. Meeting Craig. Haha.
6. Having Tanner talk to me. A lot. And telling him how to say "Your Mom is a hippopotamus" in French.
7. Relient K songs. Period.
8. Them.
9. Hannah.
10. My friends in general, really.
11. Understanding unspoken questions, and knowing exactly what someone means without having to explain everthing.
12. Watching them interact with eachother and others.
13. Remembering my A Squad shirt.
14. Smiles.
15. Aaron Brehm.
16. Peanut Butter milkshakes with Hannah at 10:30 pm at V-Ho.
17. Leaving a 100% tip for our waitress.
18. Our list.
19. Being on the internet at 11:25 pm.
20. Being acknowledged.
21. My name tag that I'm still wearing.
22. "Do our friends want to sit by us?"
23. Just life.
24. Smiling.
25. Them. ;)
26. More silent understandings.
27. Knowing that tonight was awesome, and I may never again have a more perfect time of...just being. And understanding. And laughing. And loving. And being loved.
28. "Hello, hello...I'm at a place called vertigo!"
29. Jesus.
30. Everything about Jesus.
31. Planning, but living spur-of-the-moment.
32. I can't get over this.

What a sweet, spectacular, awesome, fun night! I am so blessed.

"Jessica's BFF Bids Adieu". Oh. No.

What a sweet day. 11+ hours with tons of awesome godly girls, just learning new things, hearing stories, praying, and letting God speak to me. And making new commitments, and remembering and refreshing old ones.

And I'm all for small group time. Time to talk about critical things in your own life. But there is something nice about big groups. Being surrounded by people who love God and just want to praise Him with everything. Having leaders who remember being where I am currently in this life.

More things to add to the happy list:

1. The sweet shirt I got from today's retreat....
2. And the awesome headband....
3. And the series of haikus we wrote to praise God....
4. And the duct-tape purses Sammy and I made....
5. And talking to Maria in my truck outside her house, telling her the Corrie Story and hearing her Titus Story....
6. And then her Dad coming out, saying that the truck sounds like a washing machine or a helicopter.
7. Having sore abs and arms from raking.
8. 9 more days of school.
9. I don't know how many more days until my birthday...oh wait, 11.
10. No French tomorrow, which is good, because I didn't do my homework. Although, I won't have any time to do it tomorrow, either.
11. M + R = <3
12. All together now, "AWWWW!"
13. Hannah got into Hillsong.
14. I only really need like $5000 more for college this coming year, which is 1/3 of what I thought I needed.
15. It's 9:49. Which just seems funny.

And now I'm going to bed. Good night, world.

More Happy Things.

Another Happy Things List:

1. We got a sweet huge exercise ball.
2. Forts made out of 10 blankets are destined for sweetness.
3. I played catch for about 1/2 hour with Megan, and it involved twists and jumps and laughing. A lot.
4. The trees are starting to bud out.
5. I spent a good hour outside yesterday in the sun, working.
6. It is another beautiful day today.
7. One of my friends has her picture in the paper.
8. Maria and Ryne have something and I'm pretty okay with it.
9. My birthday is in a mere 13 days...wow!
10. I talked to Brad last night, and his friend was there for dinner.
11. Number 10 didn't really have a story behind it, but it made me happy.
12. Tomorrow is a day long (literally - 9:00 am to 8:00 pm) girls' retreat, and I'm stoked.
13. I've got bright pink sparkley nail polish on my toes.
14. My iPod is awesome to listen to while raking.
15. Titus, Khia and I totally lost the challenge in Sunday School, but we got candy anyway.
16. In 2 minutes, I'm going back outside.
17. NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!
18. My car may indeed get fixed.
19. It is warm enough to wear shorts now.
20. I got new tennis shoes - FOR COLLEGE! And Curves.
21. "Fame" was really fun.
22. Jade and Hannah and I bought these super mini ice-cream things from Carrs, and they came with a little spoon, which I still have.
23. FISH this week, I hope...knock on wood.

Fort Parties.

I'm very excited for this weekend. Going to a fort party with the church girls, then selling stuff at a garage sale. It'll be sweeeeeeeeet.

Nifty.

Was at Ms. Mindy's house for almost 2 hours tonight. And Ms. Mindy and I both agreed that something is going on with Maria and Ryne...oooooh! I'm pretty sure I'm going to ask her about it when we do our project for a lady at church. We'll see what comes of it.

Lately, as in for like the past few months, I've thought it would be super cool if God let me be like a motivational speaker, almost, like someone who travelled around and talked to girls about purity, and relationships, and stuff like that. Wouldn't that ROCK? Seriously. It would be sweet.

PD.

I'm really...frustrated.

That's all.

Quote From JL.

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

Oh, how very true. I, however, have always been anti-taking-God-out-of-the-pledge. So there you go.

I Love It.

Church yesterday was perfect. Exactly what I needed. In the morning service, in Sunday School, AND in the evening service.

The morning was about how to fear God, and how even if things go wrong, it doesn't mean that God has forsaken me. Which is what I needed to know. So I went up and prayed during the invitation, and I don't really like doing that, which is dumb, but I did. So I'm up there praying, and I confessed the sins that were holding me back, and asked for forgiveness, and it was good. So then I get right with God, and go sit down, and I'm totally tearing up, because I realize what has been going on in my life. Plus, I always cry when I'm at the alter. So I go back to my seat, and Mom says, "Melissa, is everything okay?" And I said yeah. Because for the first time in a week, everything WAS okay.

In Sunday School, Ms. Mindy talked about where our faith is: In Who God is, or what He does. And I was completely convicted. My faith isn't in who God is, but in what He does. Because I realized that whenever things don't go the way I want them to, my faith completely falters. And how lame is that?

Sunday night was awesome, too. Pastor Tom preached about how it's okay to pray for stuff for ourselves, and how we need to ask God for the "impossible", or what seems impossible to us, because He wants to answer our prayers. And I think I've almost been scared to really ask Him for college money, because I know there are lots of other things in this world that are "more important"than money for college. But God is in love with me, and my heart's needs, and my physical needs, are as important to Him as AIDS in Africa.

So I forgot my pride. And I prayed. Really really prayed, and told Him my greatest need. And then I praised Him for answering it, even though I haven't seen it yet.

I love how God always knows just what I need.

My List Of Good Things.

It has been a rather sucky week, in general. And I'm pretty sure no one around me even noticed.

It has, in fact, been a sucky week filled with little happy surprises, and though they were most excellent, somehow they didn't make up for the rest of the seven days.

I cried last night, and yesterday afternoon, and felt very alone and defeated. And I asked God to ask someone to pray for me, so if you did, by chance, thank you. I really needed it. And I totally still do.

Some of the sweet things that happened the past week:
1. I played hang-man with Carli today after the tea.
2. Carli and I folded the table cloths, which was actually really really funny.
3. Hannah and I were the only two people at Curves on Friday and had fun playing with the machines. Or, I did anyway. I'm not sure about her.
4. I had a brilliant time in French class Wednesday and Thursday and Friday.
5. I started Brad's West Point book.
6. I got -almost- all of my graduation announcements sent off.
7. I NEVER HAVE TO TAKE THE SAT'S AGAIN!!! WOOHOO!!!
8. I watched America's Next Top Model on Wednesday.
9. I got to talk to Sydni on the phone TWICE in a week.
10. Cody and I had a nifty conversation on MSN the other day.
11. I got to take a nap this evening.
12. And I woke up with nap-breath which I always find funny.
13. Hannah left a hilarious message on our phone today.
14. I had some good God-Times this past week.
15. I got to wear my sweet green capris today.
16. I had to buy gas yesterday, and when I got to the pump, I realized that I had twice the amount of money than I thought I had.
17. I got three stamps from filling up.
18. I deposited $38 of my last check into my account, and got 90 cents for my piggy bank.
19. I fell in love with Air1.
20. I charged my iPod and have been listening to it a lot the past two days.
21. Less than 3 weeks until my 18th birthday. Can you say SCARY????!!!!
22. I got my roommate info for college.
23. Mrs. Trout gave a cool mesage today at the tea.
24. I prayed with my parents this morning, which rarely happens, except for at meals.
25. Mom gave Mr. Sherman the prom pictures and he liked them.
26. I listened to a Hanson song today that made me happy.
27. I decided I hate boys who have gigantic egos, guys with lip peircings, and guys who smoke.
28. And guys who can't admit when they are wrong.
29. The mission trip tickets are on hold - we'll be there for a WEEK!!!!
30. I know that Jesus loves me, but I don't know why.
31. I got applications for summer jobs.
32. Jen and I sang Veggie Tales songs.
33. I shaved my legs the other day, and they are STILL smooth.
34. I waved to one of my Dad's co-workers and laughed at the confused expression on his face.
35. I forgot about Human Relations...that was a fun class. I got a cookie, and was massively embarrased by Allison and Roxie in front of Mr. Berg.
36. OH, and I was totally embarrassed in front of the French class...several times, in fact.
37. I was complimented on my purity ring a couple of times.

Burn For You

I really like this song on Air1 right now.

"Burn For You" by TobyMac
I'm a brand new man, I'm a conscious man I'm a man who's burnin' for you The mistakes I've made have been chased away to the bottom of the ocean blue I'm a brand new man in a foreign land, I'm a man who's feelin' that fire And it's all so clear when I'm standing here at the peak of my desire So won't you move me like you used to I want the world to know I burn for you
I feel revived again, I am alive again (Burnin' for you) You got me lifted and lifted you lift me up
I feel revived again, I'm energized again (Burnin' for you) You got me lifted and lifted you lift me up Woke up in a sweat, those ghosts in my head Had a grip, but I slipped on by It's a whole new day as the darkness fades And the sun's climbing in the sky I concede, my love, that I need your love I'm before you, a broken man And it's only you, no substitutes who can renew this soul again You got me higher than Kilimanjaro Got me believin' I can "save the day" I'm up and running like their ain't no tomorrow I'd rather burn for you than fade away I'd rather burn for you than go my way I'm a whole new guy with a whole new vibe Changed inside - more flame in the fire Can't stop, won't stop praying for desire Like the bunny on the screen feel so energized Old shell gone without a trace, new face No more shortness of breath, new pace Live life now without the taste of fear TOBYMAC, Double Dutch now let the smoke clear

Frustrations And Apathy

I am so frustrated.

With everything:
1. My brother
2. Money
3. School
4. Myself
5. Money
6. Not being close enough to God
7. Crosswalk, or lack thereof
8. Money
9. Guys with ego's
10. The hole puncher at work

And I'm sick of apathy. And emotions.

I need to be made whole, but I don't know how when I don't feel I can approach God.

Thus Is Me.

It's funny how a day can be ordinary, but then one or two things happen, and your day suddenly rocks.

This morning I talked to my "little sister" Sydni in Germany. For like 25 minutes. It was so fun. I told her about Human Relations yesterday, when Allison told Mr. Berg that I wanted to tell him that if he were a booger, I'd pick him first. And I told her about my cereal that morning (like abowl-full of Life, and an inch of milk). And she told me about one of her teachers who is coercing this boy she likes into liking her. It was just good. I love talking to her.

Then I get to school, and I find out I can't go to the FISH meeting, even though it is the National Day of Prayer, because I need to take notes for Kristina. And I was glad to help her, but I really wanted to talk to God. So I was bummed. AND I have to pick up trash on May 12th. But Jen went to FISH, which is most excellent.

So then Gvt. was okay. I did one of my "debates" which was actually just me talking for a while, then Laiza talking for a while. Then lunch. Which was quite lunch-y.

TA was dumb, mostly because I was totally in pain (that time of the month...you know.. :) haha) but I got some advil from the nurse, which helped, then I sat in front of my locker and read some of Psalms, mostly in the Psalm 121 area. I LOVE Psalm 121:1-2. It's amazing. Plus, it's part of a really cool song. So that was neat, just sitting and reading my Bible.

Then French. And French was fun today. I was paired up with one my kind-of-friends. And we had to ask eachother questions and respond with imaginative answers. And I was totally having a brain fart because I could not think of anything. So he helped me come up with some answers. Then we had to draw two pictures of their answers, so I drew Peppin wearing neon yellow shorts (almost like my shirt today) and red flip-flops, eating 13 sheets of bacon and being really happy. It's a sweet picture, if I say so myself.

And now I'm at work, waiting to go home.

But I got to drink orange juice and eat half of a bagel, which was really really yummy.

So that's my day.

OH, and I played with Flarp, and I was commented on my purity ring. Super sweet. And I'm wearing knee-high socks. Also super sweet.

AND Jesus loves me. And nothing is sweeter than the taste of His love, grace, and compassion.

Have you ever thought about the word grace? It means "loving acceptance". How many people am I full of grace towards? Not many. How many people am I currently bitter towards? More than I want. Why can't I just lovingly accept them as Christ lovingly accepts me?

Thus is the predicament of my life.

USMA West Point Jogging Pants Are Sweet.

I can't go to the Kutless concert. Not the one in Anchorage, or the one in Fairbanks. And I'm kind of bummed, but just a little. I was majorly upset last night, when I pretty much found out, but it wasn't official until now. And I think I'm okay with it.

Because that Monday, there is a high school girls' retreat that Wasilla Bible Church is hosting and the high school girls from my church were invited because of connections. And I'm really looking forward to it. I know that it's something I need to go to. I don't know why, but I need to be there.

Anddddd I think Monday night, or Tuesday night, but probably Monday night, I'm going to have a mini-Kutless concert in my bedroom. I'm just going to put on a concert shirt and get all dressed like I was going to their concert, and just listen to their music and sing along. Maybe I'll find pictures of them and put them on my iPod so I can see pictures of them while the music plays so its like I'm really there. It'll be like a private concert.

That's the sweetest thing about CD's and music in general. It's like a private concert just for you.

Tears Of Who Knows What.

I feel like crying. And the funny thing is, I don't think I can.

I mean, I could. And I have reasons to. But then I think about these verses I read in the Bible once, in a Gospel, but I'm not sure which one, where Jesus was going to heal a blind man, and the disciples said to the man, "Get up! On your feet! The Lord is calling you! What are you going to do?" That's not what they said verbatim, but it was along those lines. And I think, why should I sit and cry when God is calling me to more?

I love a good cry. A good get-it-all-out-in-the-open cry.

But I love God more.

Barbara Manatee...You Are The One For Me!

A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp. -Dave Barry

haha.

Why?????

Paul totally knew what he was talking about. I can relate to the whole "What I want to do, that I do not do. But what I don't want to do, I find myself doing it over and over."

I'm such a jerk sometimes.

Last night was intense, but I forget so easily.

Question: What is my problem?





Answer: Sin.