Sometimes

Sometimes, I wonder what I was thinking when I did something. Of course, I always wonder that after it happens. Why can't I think and act at the same time?

Then I wonder, what was God thinking when He made me? That isn't really an accusatory question, but, like, did He think, "I know Melissa will have a hard time with this, but I'm going to put it into her life anyway because I want her to learn this from it."? Or, "If I make Melissa like this, she's going to get really prideful, so I'm going to make her like this instead."? I don't know.

God made me. I know that. He made how I look. So did He make how I act? That's part of my DNA right? Or does the world I live in basically make me act how I do? Do I act or react? or proact?

Sometimes, I wish I were a hermit living in the mountains so that I didn't have to deal with stuff. But I know I can't. And that sucks.

God put me here, right now, and He put this stuff in my life for a reason. I guess what I do with it is up to me. I need wisdom.

How I Live My Life

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Elliot

I am Elliot.

Brad gave me that nickname at the Hoffman's the other night. We were comparing hand sizes, and he realized that my fingers are the same length as his, but his palms is bigger. So then he thought of the movie "E.T." and how at one point ET points at the kid Elliot and says, "Elliot..." I am, therefore, Elliot.

I love having Brad home.

Christmas is in 5 days. We got a fake tree the other day. It isn't horrible. I actually kind of like it.

And that's all for now.

Bombs Away!

We had a bomb threat today.

I was freaked out. Not like a, "Oh my gosh, I'm going to die" thing, though I did think that. I was more freaked out that someone could have so much pent up frustration and no other way to let it out than by blowing my school to smitherens.

So we all had to troop over to the Middle School, all 1000 of us or so, and hang out in their big gym. It was crazy when we reached the front doors, because I looked back and there were just hundreds of people streaming out of the school behind us.

So we get into the gym and are just hanging out. For hours.

Finally they let us call parents, so I call my Dad and he says he'll be right there to pick me up. We live like 5 minutes from the school, but it is AN HOUR AND A HALF until he comes. The parking lot was crazy, the line of parents getting kids was ridiculously long.

So before we left the school, we couldn't get to our lockers, our cars, or anything.

So now, all the cars in the parking lot are in lock-down, and my keys, cell phone, and ID card is in my locker, along with today's lunch and all my books, bag, and down vest.

But Hannah and I were talking, and Tony, too, and what if they had called in a bomb threat, knowing we would go to the Middle School, then once we were all there, they bombed the Middle School with us all in it? There were no preventive measures for THAT.

So I don't know. It was rather a waste of a day.

Pop

I just got a massive paper-cut on my left ring finger, right at the crease where my finger connects to my palm. I now have a paper towel wrapped around my finger. If I hold it a certain way, my finger, I mean, I can feel my heart beat. It feels cool.

FISH today was awesome. I love Christians. And God. A lot.

Fulfill the Dreams Worth Dreaming

Lately, I have been in a very contemplative mood, thinking about friendships, and college, and God. A lot about God. I've been struggling with some stuff in mywalk with Him, like with speaking intongues, healing people, hearing Him audibly...it's been hard. Then I met with my Pastor on Tuesday, and talked to him for like an hour, and it was soooo good. I cried like the whole time, but he showed me some good verses ni 1 Corinthians 12-14, and in Galatians 1. Apparently the church at Galatia was going through the same things as me, which was cool to find out.

And college...I think I really want to go to Biola. But then, my friend, Liza, she just got back from visiting a college that she thought she wanted to go to, but it turns out she didn't like it that much. So I'm scared that I won't like Biola. And there isn't really another college I want to go to. So... I don't know. I'm trusting God with it. Plus, I don't know how to pay for college. I'm not super smart or super good at anything. I'm trusting God.

I'm SOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brad and Dad are coming home in like 3 or 4 days! Whenever Sunday is. And Jeff will be home in January with Kayla and Kaden. I wonder when they are getting married...Kayla and Jeff, I mean. I'm getting excited about that, too.

My Hands are Striped in Black. Bummer.

I wish I were good at something.

Like, in Sunday School on Sunday, we were talking about praising God in everything we do. So Mrs. Nunnally was like, "Titus, praise God when you build computers. Maria, praise God when you're on the basketball court. Ryne, praise God when you play sports. And Melissa...what do you DO? Praise God in whatever it is."

So what do I do? I don't play sports. I don't play a musical instrument. Besides the clarinet. I want to learn guitar. Like that'll happen. I can't do anything with computers. I'm not artistic. I'm not strong or pretty or super smart.

Like, I know I have gifts, such as showing mercy and teaching. And I know how to use them. But really, what is my THING?

Hannie and I have been fighting more. Over stupid stuff that usually ends up at "You hate me." I think she still feels b ad about...well, anywho. She shouldn't. I've totally forgiven her. But then I get all dumb and bring it up again. So she feels bad and I feel like a horrible friend.

College is dumb.
Boys are dumb.
School is dumb.

Aargh.

I need a hug.

And I miss Sydni.

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to say.

Say Yeah

If you wanna scream, say YEAH!!!!!!!!!

I don't get people sometimes, myself included. I mean, why, in the middle of the night in November, when it is roughly -20 degrees outside, would someone break into the bus barn and vandalize 47 buses? They slashed tires, cut wires, broke mirrors...WHY? Because they didn't want to go to school? GROW UP! School goes by super fast anyway. So now, before anyone can ride the buses again, they are checking every single tire on every single bus in case they are messed up, they have to climb under every single bus to make sure the brake lights, turn signals, etc. are all working, fix a bunch of mirrors, all that stuff. People need to grow up.

I need to grow up.

I was talking to God last night and thinking and praying about stuff. It's so weird because I have this friend, Nichol, who is really nice, and she has an awesome realtionship with God, but her relationship with Him is completely different than my relationship with Him. I know that she and I are totally different people, but God is the same god for both of us.

It's like, I'm excited to go to Africa as a missionary, but at the same time, I don't think I can do it. How am I supposed to witness to people there if I can't even do it here? I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes. I'll talk about God, how much I love Him, then what I say or do with other people will comopletely contradict that.

Pastor Tom's message on Sunday was good. It was about Truth, God's truth, and Satan's lies. Then I was studying Jeremiah last night, and it was about a battle that was coming with the Egyptians and some other people, and I was thinking, and God showed me that I'm in a spiritual battle right now and I need to decide whose side I'm on. For reals. Because Satan is real, but so is God.

Then it's like I don't talk to people, really, and like no one knows the real me. Then I wonder if I even know the real me. Is the real me the me when I'm silent at school, or by myself in my room, or when I'm eating dinner with my family? Then I wonder about how God sees me. I know He is enamored by my beauty, it's in Psalm somewhere, but other than that...

So the other night, on Nov. 25th, actually, I was talking to God and I was like, "Wow, You and the angels must be sooo stoked! Only one month til Jesus' birthday! Are You planning Him a surprise party? It'd be super cool to throw You a surprise party! Wait, You are all-knowing, so it wouldn't work...." And then I started laughing.



New favorite song:

"Can I Sit By You" Lyrics
Copyright 2005 three cHord wonder (ASCAP)

I feel like a life-raft tossing in the sea looking for some answers and hoping I agree, Maybe You could tell me what’s gonna happen soon, but even if You’re silent I will follow You

Can I sit by You, I don’t care what we do, I just want to hold Your Hand, I only want to be with You,Can I sit by You, I’m so in awe of You, please may I kiss Your Hand, I only want to be with You.

I feel like a victim of a life where all went wrong, I’m still trying to catch my breath again and find where I belong. I fee tired and neglected, a broken jar of clay, and though it feels like You’re ignoring me, I am gonna stay.

I feel like You’ve taken almost everything I love and cast it in a lake of fire burning it all up. The pain I’m feeling right now is overwhelming me and though the world tells me to curse You, I still believe.

Yup

I'm not sure what to post about. Harry Potter the other night was so much fun. Hannah, Kyle and I dressed up (I was Hermione). Kristina and Anthony didn't dress up, but it was a blast. We got lost in Anchorage, almost got in like 5 accidents, got a dead car battery, almost got lost again after the movie, didn't get all of our Wendy's food, and made it home alive. Phew. I don't know why, but I always laugh a lot when I'm with Hannah and Kyle.

Worked out today with Hannah. We were both feeling rather lethargic today.

Word.

You know when there is a certain word you want to say, but then you can't think of it, so you say another word, but it turns out to be completely the wrong word so then everyone looks at you weird and you can't fix what you said because you already said it?



I hate that.

My Heart's Desire

Sunday night, almost a week ago, I was in church. Pastor Tom was preaching about serving and, as he always does, he gave an invitation that night to respond to God's word. So I was standing at my seat, and I KNEW I needed to go up and pray. But I hate doing that. I don't know why. God has to work on that in me. Anyway, I was like, "NO! I don't want to go!" And the Holy Spirit was like, "No, Melissa! GO!" So as soon as the music started, I went up there. So I'm kneeling at the altar with my hands covering my eyes, praying, and I just start crying. There are tears just running down my face. So I finish praying, go back to my seat, Mom gives me a hug and asks if everything is okay. And here is what I say with tears streaming:

"I just want to go to Africa."

No joke. That's why I was crying. And it's true. I really just want to go to Africa. I mean, I would gladly ditch school, skip college, and live in Africa, teaching English.

I just want to go to Africa.

Now K-Love has a contest where you can go to Africa and China and India, so I entered. And I know that God has given me the desire to go to Africa because I could not have come up with it on my own. They are announcing the final winner today in a few minutes and I'm soo nervous. I don't know why. But I really want to go. It's like tearing me up inside. Not even kidding. I want sooooooooo desperately to be in Africa. God gav me this desire, and it says in Psalms that God gives us the desires of our hears, so I've been praying that I will win this. At the same time, I know that the timing could just be wrong for me to go there. I'm just trusting God. Oh man, is this it?...

Goodbyes...I Hate Them.

I hate saying goodbye to people. I always cry. The tears have not failed me yet. And I think that Sunday was the most I had cried over someone leaving for a couple of years.

I'm so gonna miss Syderni.

She's as close to a little sister as I've ever had. She's so like me, but we are different enough to compliment eachother and get along super well.

I miss her and I get super sad even thinking about saying goodbye. Which we never actually did. We just hugged. Then I walked away.

That's another thing I hate. I hate walking away from people, knowing that they are still standing there waiting.

Sigh. Sob. Oy.

Fan o' Life

So I'm quite a fan of life. I mean, yeah, it's hard sometimes and at those times I don't like it, but then God keeps showing me that even though THAT part of my life may be over, other parts are just beginning. And it is really exciting. So that's all I wanted to say right now.

Feelings On Overload

Just got home from school. It was okay, but the best part was after school. Jade had already left her locker, so it was just me and Kristina. Lately, it has been really akward between us...for like the past 5 months or so, we haven't really talked. But today, Kristina said, "I think we need to talk." and it just like opened the doors. So we began to talk. And not just "How's the weather today?" but like really talk about what had happened to our friendship. We talked about our friendship, friends, friendships gone bad, relationships, college...all this stuff that we hadn't talked about at all in forever. It was really nice. And I realized that Kristina understands a lot of what I go through...because she goes through it too.

So we each appologized. And it was good. So I don't know. But I think my friendship with Kristina is going to get better after being meh for so long. I'm praying it will, anyway. I've missed her. It may sound crazy because she's been like two lockers down from me for the past 2 months almost, but it was as if we were a world apart.

Then Joe Heimerl came up while we were "girl talking" and tried to join in...and it was funny.

So now I'm happy.

And I talked to my mom yesterday about...well, anyway. So I sat in the car just crying on the way to church while she held my hand and then when we got there she prayed for me. And I'm SUPER grateful for a Mom like her.

I Love

Oh, there is somethingI love as well. I love it when God shows you something. Like yesterday in Youth Alive, Nichol mentioned Peter and in my Mid-East reading, it mentioned Peter, but I didn't think much about it until last night when I was praying, and pouring my heart out to God, asking if He even understood, when all of a sudden the Holy Spirit reminded me of Peter. AndI got soo stoked. I pulled out my Bible (well, it was right by my bed, but whatever) and opened it to where Peter denied Jesus, and I got so happy! It's like, God DOES know what it is like to be "whatevered" by your friends, and to be denied and such. It was such a cool realization. Then I turned to 1 Peter 4:12-13, which says like don't be upset if you are suffering, but be happy because Jesus suffered, too. And it's like I'm suffering exaclty how He suffered. And it was awesome. I love that.

I Hate

I hate when you believe in something so strongly, when you think nothing will or can ever change it, when you hold on to it for dear life, when all of a sudden you find out that all you have put your faith in is false. It's false and it has been that way for a long time and it will probably always be like that, but you can't change it. And I hate the feeling you get in your stomach when you realize it, a feeling half way between anger and hurt. And I hate the tears that come indefinately. And I hate that I can't even talk about it. Yes, that is what I truly hate. And I hate that almost everyone in the entire world knew about it... except me.

Purity and Parties

The purity retreat Sunday to Monday was so much fun! I'm so proud of my mom for what she shared for her purity testimony. And all the ladies, really! Ms. Janelle, W Dawg, and Firefighter Toso did an awesome job decorating! They brought in couches and candles and confetti. It looked so pretty. It was fun just talking with Lily and Megan, aka LM squared. Sunday night, we all snuck out a window and ran around the building trying to scare the ladies...totally didn't work and we got in major trouble. And Megan and Maria each got sick which was NOT fun. But holy cow, I learned so much! Like purity is more than just the "virgin line" and that God made sex to be fun...in marriage.

I love my church. I love the Acteens. I love God. Pretty much, I just love.

Went to Sydni's birthday party on Saturday... every other person there was like in 8th grade and either 13 or 14 years old. Then there was me. A Senior in high school, age 17. It was fun. I hung out with Lily and Megan. :) I love Syd, so I had to go. And I wanted to. Cha.

It's so hard to change habits. I want so badly to give up my "fake pearls" but... aargh. I need God's help so much.

Yeah, that's all.

Art Hurts.

I fell off of my stool in art the other day. I had my right leg crossed over my left one, but it kept slipping, so I kept kicking something with my right foot everytime it fell. Afraid that I was kicking Forrest, I leaned over to see what I was kicking...and I just kept falling. I ended up sitting on the floor, blushing and laughing because it was really funny. Liza and Forrest thought so too. Turns out I WAS kicking Forrest. Oops.

Got progress report today. I have 4 A+'s and 1 B+ in guess what subject? Yeah, ART. I hope I don't fail art. How embarrasing would that be? About as embarrasing as falling off of your stool.

Currently I'm trying to find pictures of chairs. And that is all.

Forgetting It Is Friday

I had thought of something to say, but now the thought has escaped me. I hate it when that happens.

SAT's tomorrow.

Ah, right, now I remember. So I don't have a first period, and because of that, I get to sleep in. On Thursdays, I don't have to be there until like 8:34, but on Fridays I haveto be there at 8:13ish. So this morning, I woke up, got ready, and went to school. And I'm sitting in front of my locker, and the bell to end first period is taking FOREVER to ring. So I'm just sitting there for about 30 minutes, when I decide to find out what time it is. I turn on my phone and it's like 8:52. So I run up to someone in the hall and they tell me that it is in the middle of second period. I begin my silent freaking out because secondperiod is over halfway through, but I grab my stuff and rush to the class. I walk in and everyone is all, "ohh...you're late..." but wehad a sub, so she just marked me as tardy...whew. It was really funny and I felt so dumb for not remembering it was Friday. gosh.

So that's all. But this is my 40th post. woohoo!

Blowing Up The Van

I really love Wednesday nights at Acteens. Hanging out with Sydni, Maria, Megan, and now Alizabeth and Ashley and Morgan really makes me happy. We're doing service projects, and last night we were going to start Alizabeth's project at the Valley Crisis Pregnancy Center. So we had to take the Root's van because there were so many people that night. And Ms. Janelle is driving. Dun dun dun...

So we pile into the van and start going down the road. Ms. Janelle has never driven their van before, but we're goin pretty fast. Soon we start smelling something really gross. We think nothing of it and start teasing Sydni about her stinky brothers (she has like a million brothers), and she was all, "No, my brothers smell like B.O. This is like oil or somthing." So Maria starts blaming Megan, and we're all laughing and having a good time, besides the fact that the smell is getting worse and making us gag. Then all of a sudden we hear a voice:

"Um, guys, why is the van smoking?"

So then Sydni realizes that Ms. Janelle drove her van for 5 miles with the emergency brake on!!

Chaos breaks out! Smoke is literally pouring out from under the van! Ms. Janelle pulls into someone's drive way and we just sit there for a minute, until Megan is all, "OH MY GOSH! THE VAN IS GOING TO BLOW UP! EVERYONE RUN!!!!!" And she tears open the door, jumps out and sprints away. We all sit there for a second and follow. So there we were, 5 miles from church, with 7 girls and 1 chaperone, not knowing if the car is safe to drive, and with no one home in the house whose driveway we pulled into.

I had the Root's camera, so, of course, we all took pictures by the van, holding our noses and everything because it REEKED of burning brakes. No joke. And it was still smoking. So after like 10 minutes, we decide it is okay to go back to the church, so we get back into the van and leave, and it was super funny.

We kept laughing, and of course, when we got back to the church, we told like everyone what had happened.

Praise God the van didn't blow up!

Some Socks and a Donut

Oh my word. The Third Day concert las night was AMAZING! It was beautiful. There were, quite literally, 4000 people there! Who would have thought that 4000 people would go see Third Day in Anchorage? And they are in Fairbanks tomorrow.

lol

"Do you still want the dinosaurs? Because if you do, I'll get them for you for your birthday."
"Yeah, and I want some socks and a donut."

"What are y'all thinking about?"
"Taco Bell."

lol

Switchfoot is coming up and I am quite stoked about that. We want to get front row seats and make shirts or something. How awesome would that be?

It was just 6 of us at the concert, in the group I went with. Kristina went with a bunch of people, but I didn't go with them. Saw Kate though, which was really cool. Hadn't seen her since before I went to NY in May. So that was nifty.

And... oh, so Jeff told Mom that he and Kayla are getting married... but not until like Januar 2007. Phew.

Liza, Forrest and I decided that every Wednesday we are going to wear black shirts. We've each done that for the past two weeks so it is official now. Oh man. Today, our art teacher totally freaked out at some kids and yelled at them. They were being really disrespectful. Serves them right.

Adopted a snail (escargot) in French class. Her name is Zoe. Jade calls her Oui Oui. It means life. Zoe, I mean. Zoe means life. Oui Oui means yes yes. Brad wrote a song called "Oui Oui" when he was home. It cracks me up thinking about it. I love my brothers.

Sigh.

It was happy, don't worry.

Me and My Art Project

How cool that out of everything in this entire world, all the people and things we are taught in school and our friends and our feelings and EVERYTHING, we never have to question God? He's always the same and He's always there.

I decided that one of my favorite things EVER is to drive in the evening with no music or noise and just pray. Out loud. And you just talk to Him. Because really, He is my best friend and I love Him a lot. A lot a lot.

Today in art class, we had to draw one of our fingerprints, and as I was drawing mine, I couldn't stop thinking. I mean, God spent so much time and effort and love and care on making my thumb print absolutely perfect for me. And I've been feeling rather body conscious lately. So it's like, God chose this aret assignment for me to show me that I AM special and that He DID make me exactly how He wants me. It was very cool.

So I'm really in love with God.

Oh, and pray for Megan and the Bowkers LOTS today.

SAT's

I signed up for the SAT's. Haven't taken them yet, though I'm a senior. And um, I'm supposed to STUDY? oops. Haven't even thought about it yet. Not even sure when it IS. Possibly the 8th of October. OH MY GOSH...that's in one week! My whole future could rest in how well I do on a test that I only have ONE WEEK to prepare for! Oh my word. I'm going to fail the SATs. I'm going to fail high school. I'm going to fail life.

My Prayer

You say you're falling apart.
Reached the end of the line.
Just looking for your place in an ordinary life.
No one calls you friend.
No on ven knows your name.
You just want to feel loved instead of all the pain.

You no longer have to say.
No one's listening anyway.

Come here and cry on my shoulder.
I'll hold you 'til it's over.
I'll rescue you tonight.
Let my arms be your shelter,
You're hiding place forever.
I'll love you more than life.

You're wearing a frown.
Given up on hope.
My heart is reacing out.
More than you will ever know.
Is your buden too much?
Is it more than you can bear?
I'll help carry the load if you're willing to share.

You have had some hard times.
Had thorns placed in your side.
I know about what you've been going though.
Tears of pain are falling down.
It hurts so bad you're crying out.
Your problems wont last forever.
Let Me put you back together.


I just heard this song "Cry On My Shoulder" by Overflow, and I'm pretty sure they just played it for me. It's so encouraging to me, even when no one else cares, to know that God DOES. He's in charge of the whole universe and everyone and everything in it, but He still finds time to love me and know me. Even on the days when I'm PMSing, and I'm feeling fat and unloved, and just blah, He knows and He wants me to feel better. Who else loves me like that? Answer: No one.

I really want all of me to be about all of Him. I don't want people to see ME, I want them to see Him in me. I want to be noone. Is that possible? Is it possible for me to disapear until all that is left of me is Him?

Dear God,
I love You, I want to know You, I'm not complete without You. Make me whole. Make me who You want me to be, nothing more, nothing less. Make me Yours.
Amen

This is Life. Excited?

When the most exciting thing all day to happen to you is gluing papers together, that's life. When you really want to do something extreme but you end up in the same old routine, that's life. When it's school picture day and you just wear jeans and a polarfleece, and other kids wear designer clothes, that's life.

I'm not complaining. Well, okay, I am. But life is awesome.

When you find your whole life looking forward to senior year, and your senior quote, and all that, and then it comes and you really don't want it to end, that's life. And when one of the smartes kids in school suddenly becomes really cool to you, that's life. And it's life when you can't do anything about it because it will ruin everything. It's life when your friend writes on your locker and now it won't come off. It's life when you're in an ecology group with kids you would NEVER choose to hang out with. And when your pants get all wet and so do your shoes, that's life.

When your Dad works a job that could quite possibly get him killed, and your older brother is in Iraq, and your OTHER older brother is in Missouri where he just bought a guitar after you've been wanting one for over a year, yeah, that's life.

When your car doesn't start and you have to drive the massive bulldozer of a truck everywhere you go, that's life as well. And when said truck is low on gas, you have to fill it up because you have been driving it and because that's life.

When you do the treasure hunt wrong in French class because the directions are horrible, that's life. But when you get to try again tomorrow for a 100%, that's abundant life. And when your French 4 friends help you out on said hunt, though they aren't supposed to, that's abundant life as well.

When over 100 kids come to See You At The Pole, and it is incredible, and you just pray with them and sing praises to God with them, that is even more abundant life. When all you want is the least you get, oh man is THAT abundant life! When you spend Wednesday night at a Senior Citizen Center talking to old people and playing BINGO, that's abundant life. Especially when you find out that one of them survived breast cancer, one was in Pearl Harbor during the attacks, and one will turn 91 in October, that's abundant life.

When you are blessed in little ways all day, that's abundant life. That's the life I want. That's the life I kind of sort of have.

And I want more.

Is that wrong? God wants us to have abundant life. And all I want is what God wants.

Quit my Complaining.

On Saturday, I met Jonna and Stephanie and Chris and Cody at First Baptist of Palmer for a FISH meeting. Then we did the Baptist thing and relocated to food at Taco Bell. You know how Baptists eat A LOT? Like whenever they can get away with it? Yeah,that's us! So the meeting was awesome. I'm so excited and so happy to be included in it. I'min charge of Inspiration (the I in FISH). It's so cool that Cody and them are all such strong Christians. Like, I knew they were saved, but I never knew how strong they are. It's so encouraging. I wonder if when people look at me, they see Christ like I do when I look at them.

I think one of my friends was kind of miffed that she wasn't invited to the planning session. Though, honestly, I'm really glad she wasn't. It seems like she is so used to being involved in every little thing, always being included and loved. It's really annoying, but I'm trying to stop judging people. That is not what God wants me to do. It's hard.

But okay, so Sat. night, we went to our other friend's house to watch Gilmore Girls, and that one friend, she was like 4 HOURS late. So she showed up and didn't even appolpgize, and she had this huge attitude like she was "Miss THANG" and we don't matter at all. Then she sat in dog poop... serves her right. How can someone show up at someone else's house 4 HOURS late and act all "Holier than thou"? If she was going to be so late in the first place, why even agree to a movie/Gilmore Girls night?

French is fun, though. :)

mmBOP

School is going well. I'm out of mathematics, which adds anywhere from an hour to almost an hour and a half to my sleep each day, depending on the following day's schedule. There are some new kids - one cute new boy but he seems like a bit of a punk. By punk I mean he's really preppy. Nicole and I had fun in ecology. We went outside and she and I wore our awesome hats even though it turned out to be a gorgeous day.

God has been surprising me a lot lately and I really enjoy it. Like stuff will happen and I'll just laugh and feel happy and blessed.

I have a cold and since antibiotics won't help, I just have to ride it out. I don't like this ride. But when I was at the Dr., he asked if I have ever surgically had anything metal inserted behind my eardrum, because apparently that is what it looks like when he shined the light into my ear. And since I'm totally a hypochondriac (Is that what it is called when you think you have every disease under the sun?), I'm pretty certain that I have some rare form of metalotosis or something that no one has heard of. And I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one in the world with it and that there is no cure. But it isn't a big deal I guess unless I start getting really bad head-aches and my teeth on the left side of my mouth begin to hurt. Like they do when I chew gum all morning.

I even wore my glasses to school today, and when I put my hat on in oceanography, Nicole just started laughing. She was like, "You look so cute, Melissa! You look like a cute little geek!" I was all, "OH, thank!" But it was really funny. I like her a lot. She's cool.

Oh, and my Mickey Mouse lunch box? It's pretty much the coolest thing since sliced bread. Jade wants one now, too, so I have to find an awesome one for her for her birthday in November.

And I'm very much stocked about Crosswalk.

Senior News

Just finished my first day of senior year, and already I'm despising math class. Oh the joy of it all. I'm gonna go watch "Saved by the Bell." And eat something. I'm starving! But yay, everyone liked my lunch box!

Like My Dagger?

I got a dagger the other day, and so did Megan and Maria. From Portage Glacier. From INSIDE the glacier, actually. Pretty sweet.

We went camping there with Ms.Janelle and Syderni. It was so much fun! It rained like no other and we all got drenched. Then we couldn't build a fire, Megan got so spooked in the bathroom that she cried, and we forged many a rivers. It was so cold. I have a renewed appreciation for shoes and non-vegetarian hotdogs. We're thinking of asking the RA's to teach us how to build a fire. It would have come in handy!

School starts in 4 days. Oy. And now my toes are cold.

What a day.

The Apathy of Coolness

I can't think of anything cool, funny, or even remotely entertaining to say today. It's funny, though, how people want so desperately to be cool and popular. I used to want that. I wanted to be invited to sit at the "Cool Table", invited to go school shopping, to the fair, all that. But now I don't. It's not like I hate the popular kids, but there is a lot of language issues they have, and too much of their time is spent on appearences. The teasing, the apathy, the just blech-ness of it all is soo lame.

oh my word. There is literally nothing in my head right now. I can't wait for school to start just so SOMETHING will happen!

My Personality Or Lack Thereof

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be really liked, no matter what? I have. I mean, I'm not a social outcast (I don't think) but I'm not really popular. And sometimes it's like if I show who I really am, no one would like me. But then, I wonder what I'm really like. When I'm alone, and crazy, dancing to songs on the radio, singing along, and just hanging out, it THAT me? Or is it when I'm at church and being the Christian girl that I am, trying to bless everyone, or be used by God to bless them, rather, is that me? Or when I'm being moody and stuff, is that me? (oh, by the way, I read a funny quote today: "It is my biggest fear that there is no such thing as PMS and this is who I really am" lol) Or when I'm with other people and feel stupid and can't think of anything intelligent, or even not intelligent to say... is THAT me? Or when I'm listening to Syderni and Brenna talk, or Sabrina even, and I'm giving the Almost Big Sister Mode advice, is that me? And those girls, or Syd at least, why do they look up to me? I see my life, all the sin and just junk that there is, and I wonder how anyone , much less God, could love a mess like me. And that, I guess, is God. He just loves. He sees everything, and loves in spite of it. Anyway, I've been wondering what my persoanlity IS. Like, Jeff, his girlfriend came and visited and Brad was talking about how she didn't really have a personality. Do I? What is it? They say that who you are is who you are when you are by yourself. If that's true, then I'm very random. Like the other day, I began making a "dream BIG" board to hang up on my wall and put all my life goals onto. Then there are a few Barbie dolls hanging out on my shelf, and I have a furry pillow courtesy of Ms. Mindy and the 80s party. But do my possessions mark who I am? They shouldn't...but they do show what I spend most time on. I have a buttload of craft stuff: Scrapbooking, knitting, crocheying (I don't know how to spell it), etc. I have lots of books, lost of shoes... but shoes don't make my personality. Unless... I have lots of flip flops, but one favorite pair (they are red), so maybe that shows that I am laid back, easy-going. Then I have some cute high-heels, too.... so I like to be dressed up, and glam. My room is often messy, and I don't pay attention to details (mom, dad, and I all agree on that, but I'm trying to get better. I have to take an art class this semester, so maybe that will help. I doubt it. I'm horrible at drawing. Unless it's with crayons. You can never be super neat with crayons.). But I try to keep my clothes organized...so what does that mean? That I like to be organized without attention to details? My room is all blues, purples, greens, and browns. I like relaxing, old-fashioned decor, almost. Oak and wood details. All my picture frames on my wall are wood. Well, this kind of goes back to the book "The Complex Infrastructure Known As the Femals Mind" written by RK. I realized, throughout the reading of the aforementiond novel, that I am neither an Athlete, a Drama Queen, a Home-Coming Queen, an Artist, a Band Geek, a Mathlete, a Punk, or any of the other girl types. In fact, I found it quite depressing that I didn't fit into a category...until I got to the last girl type: "Vanilla Pudding". I realize I have already blogged about being Vanilla Pudding, however, I will continue on as if it hadn't happened. You see, Vanilla Pudding is a menagerie of characteristics. I.E. She may like Relient K as does another girl type. She may enjoy drinking coffee, as does another girl type. She may enjoy working out, and mathmatics, and music, as do other girl types. Ladies may want their daughters to be like her, as does another girl type. She may be funny, as is another girl type. And that, I'm excited and afraid to say, is me. I love RK. I love coffee. I enjoy working out, math, and music. Many ladies have commented to my mother and I that they wish their daughters would turn out like me. Therefore, I am hence forth Vanilla Pudding. It isn't extravagant. It doesn't turn heads. It doesn't get voted "Most Popular" or "Best Smile" in the yearbook. But Vanilla Pudding, well, it's everyone's favorite. That doesn't really matter to me, as I've well learned with time. I know that, whether I have a personality or not (which I do, I'm Vanilla Pudding!), God will always love me. And as long as He does, I'm okay.

Freshmen 15: The Band of the Millenium

After yesterday's dissapinting music find (boo to Bombs Away), I was again on the search for a new band. And I found one that I had heard of before, listened to, and liked, and fell in love again. The band? Freshman 15. Not only are they Christian, they are Christian/Punk/Rock/Emo stuff. I'm in love. The song "Social Humiliation" really hits home. Go listen! http://www.purevolume.com/freshmen15 Rock on. Oh, and here is a picture:

Pretty cool, huh? I LOVE that they love God! Therefore, enjoy Freshmen15, but more importantly, enjoy Jesus through them. :)

Indeed

I'm at the Copy Machine again. What else is new? haha

Just A Nerd At Heart

Currently, I'm listening to a band called "Bombs Away", a song called "Just a Nerd at Heart", which I think describes me perfectly. Listen at www.purevolume.com/bombsaway .

The cute guy at the airport asked if I like emo, so now I'm trying to find cool new bands that are "emo". Whatever that means. I think it's short for Emotional. But I don't know.

That's because I'm just a nerd at heart.

That's the band. Bombs Away. In the picture, it looks like they are about to drop a water balloon or a kumquat or something on the next person who walks by. Especially the kid next to the kid in the orange shirt. It's like he just threw something on the poor, unsuspecting person below. The kid on the far right, he looks kind of cute. You can't really see him, but lots of people look better from far away.

You know, it's actually illegal to drop things out of windows in New York City. I learned that (no, not the hard way) by reading "The Princess Diaries" books by Meg Cabot. I don't remember which book it is in. Number two I think. I could be mistaken. Either way, whatever. It's illegal. Although, knowing it is illegal makes me want to do it even more. Well, not now because I'm accross the country from New York. But sometime.

I really like New York. It's so bustling and interesting and really quite lovely. There are tons of people, and everyone of them has a history and a name and a future. How awesome is that? And God knows all of them. He not only knows them, He loves them.

I decided that Bombs Away is a little too screamy for me. Especially "The Red Glass Trials". I shall find another band. This one is dissappointing to say the least.

POP Goes the Weasel

So, I decided that I really like Jesse McCartney. He has a nice voice, and a pretty face... but is that all there is to him? Sometimes I wish that I could just spend a day with one of my favorite stars to see what they are really truly like. Like Jesse: Is he funny? smart? considerate? easygoing? Or is he rude? arrogant? selfish? and stuck-up? I bet it's hard being a star though. People have all these pre-conceived notions about how you act and who you are, and they don't really give you a chance to prove otherwise.

But, Jesse is still pretty.

Normally, I don't like pop love songs... but his are nice. I like "Beautiful Soul" a lot, and the music video is good, too. That lucky girl, though.... :)

I just took a quiz, and it said my Pop-Star Alter Ego is Mandy Moore: You and pop princess-turned-actress Mandy Moore have tons in common. You know being liked has nothing to do with how tight your hip huggers are or how much make-up you wear. Your positive attitude makes you a natural-born go getter and people love being around you. Keep doing your thing girlfriend! Just be sure not to let people push you around. You may be a total sweetheart but you're nobody's fool.

I like Mandy Moore, so that's good.

Bad Day Marked With Happy News

It's a blustery Eyeore sort of day, rainy, windy, cloudy. Added to that is the fact that I got ready this morning in 15 minutes flat, complete with shower, clothes, make-up (kind of), teeth brushed, contacts in, and shoes on. I was impressed. PLUS, I've already gotten two paper-cuts today, maybe even three or four.

oh but YAY!!! Rick Wolfe e-mailed me back! YES! He's from the International Mission Board. I met him in Juneau. He told me to check out Biola, which is where I really want to go, anyway...woohoo!

Okay, yay.

The Boxed Thoughts of the Day

Last May, before I left with my family to Brad's graduation in New York at West Point, Dad and I had to have a big conversation with the Principal and Vice Principal about whether or not I would be allowed to go. I had already cleared it with my teachers, and they all said it was fine, but the other two had issues with it. They had apparently decided that it was about time for them to finally enforce the attendance policy. Basically if I went, then I would have F's on my report card until I returned in the fall and took my finals. Lame, right? So Dad came in to school in his Police Uniform (talk about the intimidation factor rising 1000%!!!), and we had a chat. The Principal tried using a police analogy, but Dad shot her down with it because she didn't factor in extenuating circumstances. Finally, Dad went and talked to Lebron McPhail, who is in charge of the Principal, and he decided I could go. Good, because everything was paid for.

Flash forward about three months. Guess who I ran into today! (Not literally.) None other than the Vice-Principal, who had blad-faced LIED to my Dad and me. I was thrilled to see him. He recognized me, and asked about the trip, how Brad is doing, etc. I was all, "Hmm....so now who is willing to cooperate?!?!"

Golly.

Got registered for school today, and am currently debating whether or not to take AP Calculus. I don't want to, but I would kind of feel as if I were letting Mr. Bowker down if I don't take it. He's been my teacher for three years now, and he isn't teaching Caclulus. I do NOT want a full schedule...but... oh, I don't know. Got my locker by Hannah, Jade, and Kristina. Yay! And I got into Close-Up... another YAY!!! We all signed up for Link Crew, which will be super fun. We get to go to Washington, D.C. I'm excited. I've never been there before.

Am with Mom and work now, in charge of the copy machine once more. Just got back from eating lunch at the warehouse in Palmer. As I was eating my yummy salad from BK, I looked out the window and saw a bug, probably about 1.5 inches long, just wiggling across the ground. It was funny. Very cute. For a bug. You know. Saw Sean Moore at BK also. He recognized me, and came up and said hi, which I found odd since I've never really talked to him, but whatever. The salad was really good.

So, I'm pretty sure that no one out there actually reads this, and that the two views of my profile have been ME. How sad. But alas, thus is the life of moi. (Can't wait for French 3 to start!!!)

Goodness

I'm bored. It is again up to me to run the copier at my mother's work. oy.

Pull Yourselves Together!

So, on the way here (to Mom's work), we saw an Army convoy of like tanks and all these big rigs, and it was so cool. They were just driving through Palmer. And suddenly, I felt really proud of our country. There are a lot of people doing all they can to protect it, but then...

There are all these people on the news protesting the war, and that one lady whose son died, and she's arguing and such about the War on Terror. They picket the President's Texas ranch and hold signs outside of the White House in Washington, D.C. Now, I don't get that. Like, at all.

My brother is in Iraq right now, and I can't imagine how he and the other men and women feel, knowing that people at home don't support them. If it were me, it would break my heart. I would wonder, "Do they remember what happened nearly 4 years ago? I do. Do they remember the pain and the tears shed? I do. Do they remember all the innocent people who died? I do. Do these people even care? I do."

President Bush is in charge of the country. People elected him, and voted for him, but now they don't support him? What is WITH that?! They may not agree with what he decides, but I think that he has more knowledge of international affairs than almost everyone else in the country! Electing the President is not like painting a room a certain colour. The room, you can always paint over it if you decide a few months down the road that you don't like it. The president? You can't just change him out. You gotta learn to live with him, accept him, pray for him, and support him. Everyday.

The way people are going on and on about how we need to pull out of Iraq is simply ridiculous! Face it, people, we are there! If we pull out now, before our help is in motion and action with the people, it means that all the months there, all the people who have died, have been in vain. I don't want my brother to die. Or anyone else's child for that matter. But if they do, if something should happen to them, don't dishonour them by protesting something they gave their lives to protect: freedom. All the soldiers that have lost their lives should push us to do more to end this war, and terrorism as we know it. We should keep fighting to continue the task that has taken so many of our fellow United States citizens.

A lot of us take it for granted: being able to worship how and where and when we want, the freedom to vote, the ability to go to school, to work. People in Iraq can't do that. Girls can't go to school just because they want to. Our freedom is something that the rest of the world wants. But we get soo oblivious to it, that it doesn't matter any more to us. But the Iraqi people, yeah, they don't know what freedom IS. For soo long they have been oppressed by the Taliban. And now, because we are trying to help them live a better life, citizens of the United States are getting mad. Personally, I don't get that either. It almost seems like they think of themselves as "Holier than thou". It's as if the rest of the world cannot have freedom because they do not live in the USA.

What a bunch of horse hockey.

So, bottom line, support the United States. Support our President and pray for him. And support the troops. Pray for them - send them care packages, letter, and thoughts. I know my brother will appreciate it.

654321

Six Things That You Will Do Today:
1. Go to church to pray for the Hoffmans
2. But underwear at WalMart
3. This
4. Go to the eye-doctor
5. Make my bed (hopefully)
6. Go to Sleep

Five Things That Describe How You Feel Right Now:
1. Sick to my stomache
2. Bored
3. Sore finger
4. Antsy
5. Fat

Four Things That You Love To Do:
1. Go to church
2. Scrapbook
3. Read - esp. my Bible
4. Be alone

Three Things That You Like To Eat:
1. Home-made Pizzza
2. Smoothies made with Anna and Morgan
3. Fruit and vegetables (rally!)

Two People That You Love:
1. God
2. My family (okay, so that is like 4 other people, but whatever)

One Thing That You Bought Recently:
1. Binders for school

The Randomness of an Abstract Mind

I got a paper cut today. It didn't bleed, or really hurt, but I put a band-aid on anyway. It was pretty deep, which is depressing. It's on my pointer finger, so now I can't really type that well. Because of the band-aid, you know. Cha.

I bought a super cute hat today, with ear-muffs and tassles, and such. It was $18. I know, I know... but then I got a paycheck today for $384 or so. Woohoo! And Ms. Mindy owes me money for babysitting last night for forever, practically.

I really want to watch "Finding Neverland" tonight. Wonder if we can. Have to go rent it, if so.

Yes, that's all.

-memememememememememememememememe :)

Africa

My brother, Brad, he said that if I'm a missionary in South Africa, he would totally come visit me. I wonder how he feels about going to Ethiopia instead....

Back to School Time. Woohoo. Not.

You know school is really coming up, not by the TV commercials...or the radio spots...or the signs in Wal*Mart... but by the annual phone call made to your closest friends to determine what time you all will be registering. In this case, the call was made to Hannah, then she called Kristina and I called Jade. And the time was set. 8:00 in the morning, we will be meeting at Colony High School to register. On a Monday. Because, hey, guess what! WE'RE SENIORS! And as Seniors, not only do we get to register first, but we get to CHOOSE where we want our lockers. oooooh.

I was thinking, and it is weird, me being a senior and all. I mean, I get to leave school like 2 1/2 weeks before everyone else. I'm the ruler of the school. Well, not me in oarticular. But I'm part of the class of 200 something students who rule.

And I want this year to be different. I'm going to talk and be nice to everyone. I'm going to proclaim God. Hopefully, boldly. I need to work on that, also. But, hey, guess what! I'M A SENIOR!

My mom can't believe it either. Nor my Dad.

I Heart Juneau.

I got back yesterday from Juneau, and it was incredible! I have some exciting stories, so here, in order of occurence, I will share them with the world. Or rather, whoever visits my blog. Which I'm pretty sure is no one, so I have told no one about it. Whatever. Anyway.

Story Number One: The Cute Airport/Michigan Guys
So, Mom and Dad took me to the airport, where I signed in, and met with Glenda and Stephanie. A HUGE group of like a million kids (okay, not that many, but a whole bunch of them) were on their way to security, so we huried up and ended up getting right in the middle of their group. The two guys in front of us, one of them was wearing a Relient K shirt, and the both of the guys were very attractive. So Stephanie started talking about this obscure town in Michigan, and one of the guys truend around and was like, "Did you just say [insert name of town]? I live there!" So they started talking about that. Then there was an dakward silence, so I jumped in and said to the RK fan, "I like your shirt. They're like my favorite band ever." And he was like, "Really? Mine, too!" So I said, "What is your favorite song?" And he said, "It's too hard to choose" which is EXACLTY how I feel a lot of the time. Then the other guy said, "Failure to Excommunicate." Which is one of the best songs ever. Then the Failure to Excommunicate guy was like, "Do you like a lot of other emo bands?" And he started naming of all these bands I had NEVER heard of. So I told him I like Stellar Kart. They were the only other band I could think of. :) Then the RK shirt guy was like, "Are you guys going to Bethel?" And I said, "No, we're going to Juneau. Why are you going to Bethel?" And he said, "We're doing a mission trip there to teach at a basketball camp." And I got really excited about that. By then we were at the Security place, so we went through, and one of the guys had to be searched because his belt went off. But they were soo nice, and fans of Relient K, which was in itself incredible. After we said goodbye though, Stephanie was all, "Wow, Melissa. We haven't even left the airport and you've already met hot guys!" It was really hard, though. I had to pray A LOT for God to be my focus, not finding a cute guy. I really struggle with that sometimes.

Story Number Two: The Interpretive Dance
Part of going to Juneau, we had to do this interpretive hand movement thing to this song, and it turned out okay, but I felt a little dumb doing it. Yeah, there isn't really a story here, but I thought I should mention it.

Story Number Three: The Two Billy Goats At Mendenhall Glacier
Glenda, Stephanie, and I went to Mendenhall Glacier in Junea, and I really wanted to hike on it, but it didn't happen. So Stephanie and I climbed over the fence thing, and walked down to the water's edge, and it was SUPER cold... duh, because it was offrun from the glacier. But still. So, then, we had to climb back up, and we decided to climb on the rocks, so we took off, and we found a little lake/puddle/thing in the middle of all these rocks, and it was soo cool. We hung out up there for a while. And we watched a movie about the glacier, which was actually kind of cool, but it was projected onto this huge screen, and we sat in the front row, so Stephanie and I made shadow puppets on it, like sharks and people and stuff, and the sharks attacking the people, all the while singing the shark song. And I'm pretty sure that all these tourists were laughing at us. Then one of the workers came in in the midst of our puppet show, and she began to laugh also. It was really funny

Story Number Three: The Adventures Of "Down-Town" Juneau
To begin, Down Town Juneau is about the size of the block I live on. No joke. But we turn the corner, and all of a sudden... BAM!!!!! There is a Cruise ship, with bunches of people pouring out of it. It was soo surprising, and very cool. We found a fudge store (yum), and very cool toy store, and a shirt place that sells, well, shirts. But I got one that says "I <3 Juneau" Like the "I <3 NY" shirts. It's incredible. Really. We saw the Governer's Mansion, which is really pretty, but we had driven past it the day before without knowing what it was, which is soo funny.

Story Number Four: MISSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This Is The Best Story EVER!!!
Okay, so Tuesday night, after a huge, somewhat boring meeting, I went into the bookstore with Stephanie and Glenda, and began talking to Paul Reed with the International Mission Board through the Southern Baptist Convention. I told him I am going to be a missionary, hopefully in Ethiopia, teaching English. And he got soo excited and was like, "If you do that, you can go ANYWHERE, even countries with closed boarders to missionaries!" And then I got super excited!!! So we talked some more, and he told me about TESOL: Teaching English to Speaker of Other Languaged. Then he introduced me to Rick Wolfe, who got really excoted about the same thing I told Paul Reed about, and HE told me about the Journey Man program. So it is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like, I'm practically ON MY WAY to Ethiopia right now! How awesome!!!!!!!!! Okay, I know that a lot of exclamation points have been used in this story, but there are necessary. I'm PUMPED. Mom and Dad and all the Acteens were even excited. yay!!

Stores Number Five And Six: The Beach And The Flight Home
After story number four happened, we went to the beach with the North Carolina people, and some youth from Juneau. It was fun, but the cliques stuck together, and no one really talked to me. Meh. I flew home BY MYSELF Wedensday morning, and nothing cool happened. No hijackers (Thank goodness), no nothing. It was dumb, on the way back from Juneau, we had to make two stops: In Yakatat (a ridiculously small Native village) and Cordova (an awesome fishing village where Brad's friend Derek lives). We were delayed in Cordova, so we were very late getting to the airport in Anchorage, then the airport was SOO- packed! There were people everywhere. I'm pretty sure I talked to Mom non-stop during lunch and on the ride home. I was soo exhaisted, though.

So Crosswalk Alaska has begun, and I'm excited to see God moving and working through the youth in Alaska. I want Him to move, so no one can deny that He is real. Because He is.

As I've been typing this (again, in the copy room of my Mom's work), something wet keeps dripping on my hands and arms. I have no idea what it is. Weird.

So yeah, God is cool.

I have to call Hannah now about registration on Monday. Hey, guess what... I'm a SENIOR! woot, woot!

My Mind

Vanilla Pudding

So, Relient K (only one of the BEST Christian pop/rock bands EVER) wrote a book... about girls. And really, it is pretty good. The first 12 chapters are all different types of girls. It has been determined that I am Vanilla Pudding. I mean, I'm not an athlete, or a drama queen, or anything like that. I'm plain. And simple. I'm vanilla pudding.

And this wasn't written in the book, but I think it is one of the unspoken rules of friendship that one friend cannot like another friend's brother. Particularly when the other friend is your best friend. Unless, you are Mia Thermopolis and your best friend is Lily Moschivitz and her brother is Michael. Then it's okay. Other than that? Off limits. Taboo. Big no-no.

I'm so dead.

And my other friend thinks I'm mad at her, and I am, but not really. I'm just annoyed. That's all. If she were in a category, she would be the perfect one. Her award? "Perfect Girl of the Year." Bitter? Heck yes, I am. But why? Yeah, I don't know that answer.

Right, I need to find some dreams.

Just one thought today

Crosswalk in 3 days!!!!! Can't wait!!!

Random thoughts of a Tuesday morning

When I got up this morning and took my shower, I thought of something really cool to say here... then I forgot. oops.

Went four-wheeling yesterday with my friend and her family. It was fun...got super muddy on my jeans and such. meh. it was soo beautiful at Eklutna. The sun was shining and not a cloud in the sky, except over beyond the horizon. But alas, the mud hole that we had found 2 years ago has disappeared. Seriously. It isn't there anymore. It was overtaken by water and grass.

I'm searching for my friend's blog. I know she has one, but I don't know where it is. Not that I should care... but I do. It's a girl thing I guess. It's like, she told our other friend about her blog... but me, her "best friend" she didn't tell. Perhaps she doesn't know that I WANT to know.

THEN, I have to remind myself all the time that it's not about me, it's all about Him. Why can't I ever seem to remember that?

Going to lunch this afternoon with Ashley. She leaves for college tomorrow. Crazy. I mean, I'm a senior now. If I weren't staying in Alaska, I would be leaving for college in a year. As it is, I'm leaving in three. Years, I mean.

hmm.

yeah, so that is all running through my head right now. till later.

Fire-ball of Light

"Follow your inner star. No one's star shines quite like yours." - American Girl

I think that is the
Quote of the day,
The famous words
That only I can live by.
For if everyone followed
Their inner star, and
Everyone thought that
No one's star shines quite
Like theirs, then
Where will we be?

We'll be like a giant fire-ball
Of light, with no way
Of seeing who is the brightest.

It will be like Alaska
At 3:00 am in the
Middle of the summer.

This fire-ball of
Light, it's gotta fade
Somehow
Sometime
Somewhere.

But Him? He is
The One who will NEVER fade.
His light is truly the
Brightest, the
Most brilliant, the
Best and most loving.

me. thats who I am.

(1) What did you want to be when you were younger? a teacher
(2) What's your favorite type of music? pop/rock. But it depends on my mood
(3) What do you spend most your time doing? school stuff, or reading, or at church.
(4) When you're home alone, what do you do? read and listen to music
(5) What is your favorite 'fast food' restaurant? Taco Bell
(6) Where is your favorite local place to hang out at? my house
(7) Are you a farmer? yes, we have chickens, a goat, ducks, rabbitts, cats, and a dog.
(8) If you could marry anyone who would it be? whoever God plans for me
(9) How much do you think about the opposite sex? not a lot...usually
(10) What's your favorite brand of toothpaste? Whatever my mom buys
(11) What kind of grades do you make? A's or B's
(12) If you could go anywhere where would you go? Africa - specifically Ethiopia
(13) How many people do you live with? 2 - my parents
(14) What is your favorite sport? football
(15) How many kids do you want?? a few... or a lot. I don't know.
(16) What would you name them?? Connor or James or Elizabeth or Margaux
(17) What color lipgloss/lipstick do you usually wear?? whatever is in my pocket
(18) Coke or Pepsi?? neither.
(19) What's the last thing you bought from a Pharmacy??probably throat drops
(20) Have you ever been in a wreck?? yup
(21) When do you usually go to bed?? when I get tired enough
(22) Do you have more dreams or nightmares?? I never remember either of them
(23) Do you practice any type of religion?? i AM a Christian
(24) How many friends do you have?? some
(25) What's your greatest accomplishment?? serving God.
(26) What do you plan to be when you're older?? a missionary
(27) What do you normally wear to bed?? sweatpants from West Point and a T-shirt
(28) What's your favorite thing to do?? read, listen to music, watch movies and hang out with friends
(29) What color hair do you have?? "auburn"
(30) Do you sing well?? um, not sure. not really.
(31) Have you ever been in love?? i love Jesus
(32) Would you eat a cockroach for $500?? if it was small, maybe.
(33) Are you afraid of the dark?? I can freak myself out in the dark, so yeah, sometimes
(34) If you had to sum your life up with a song what would it be? John Reuben's "Nuisance"
(35) Where's the last place you've been? my mom's work (where I am now)
(36) What color would you say you wear the most of? brown or blue
(37) Do you get along with your parents? yes, I do.
(38) Would you consider yourself 'popular'? no. but popularity isn't everything
(39) Do you live in the country, burbs, or city? you can't really call Palmer any of those things
(40) What was your most painful experience? when i ran into our barn on my bike and sprained my wrist.
(41) What was your most happy experience? VBS!!! I love VBS.
(42) Have you ever been stalked? I thought I was while I was in 10th grade. He was weird.
(43) Have you ever egged a house? nope
(44) Do you go hunting (deer,duck,etc)? no, but I'm trying to get my Dad to take me.
(45) Do you support PETA? heck no.
(46) Do people think you're crazy? I hope not. But I'm sure sometimes, yes.
47) How many people are on your buddylist? enough.
(49) Do you get dates easily? *snort* yeah, right.
(50) What's a big secret you have? I don't have any that I can think of right now.
(51) Have you ever drowned a fish? heck no.
(51) How many songs do you know all the words to? almost every song they play on K-love and country and then some
(52) Who is your favorite superstar? your mom
(53) What is your biggest pet peeve? when people get soo caught up in themselves that they can't see what is going on around them. It's not about US, it's about God.
(54) Would you consider yourself racist? no
(55) Do you read books often? for a while I didn't, but now I do.
(56) If you could change anything about you what would it be?I'm learning to like myself how I am, so nothing. Although I would love to have really long hair. But seeing as I keep getting my hair cut short, that probably won't happen. Ever.
(57) What is your favorite type of gum? cinnamon
(58) Do you snore? I used to, but I don't know anymore
(59) Are you afraid of thunderstorms? heck no, I love them!
(60) Do you care what you look like? Yeah, I like to smell good, and not have bed-head, but I don't spend hours on my apperance
(61) As a kid, what was your favorite cartoon? probably the Weekenders
(62) Whacha wearing? jeans and a Jeremy Camp Tee and a white hoodie
(63) When's the last time you kissed anyone? my mom a few nights ago.
(64) When you listen to the radio, what kind of station is it normally on? Christian
(65) What's your best physical feature? my hair
(66) What's the best thing about your personality? I'm outgoing as some people say. I can talk to almost anyone
(67) What's the worst thing about your personality? it takes me a while to be comfortable around people
(68) What physical feature attracts you most to the oppisite sex? hair. And eyes and Smile
(69) Are you picky about who you date? yes
(70) Oops, this one got deleted....
(71) Have you ever flown in a airplane? yup
(72) What size shoe do you wear? 11 :)
(72) Do you wear make-up? a little
(73) Have you ever went bungee jumping? I went on the slingshot at the fair - does that count?
(74) Ever been to Paris? nope
.(75) Do you believe in Vampires? no
(76) If you could become a Vampire, would you? er..no.
(77) Do you have any phobias? drowning
(78) Have you ever gone skinny dipping? nope
(79) Have you ever stolen anything? no
(80) Do you eat seafood?YUM heck yes
(81) Have you ever been drunk or high or both? EWW no
(82) Ever drove while drunk? right, no.
(83) Do you drink a lot or at all? no, not at all
(84) ! Have you ever lit yourself on fire? no, weirdo
(85) How many people do you trust with your life? a fair many
(86) Are you considered intelligent? yeah, or lucky
(87) What label would you fall under? the... I don't know. I'm not super smart, or a drama person, or an athlete, or a musician, or anything like that. I'm just me.
(88) Do you talk on the phone a lot? hate the phone.
(89) How often do you take a shower? everyday, unless tha t is not possible
(90) Do you have acne? yes and I loathe it.
(91) What's your favorite candy bar?White chocoalte Recess or PayDays
(92) Ever got a detention in school? no
(93) Ever been suspended from school? If so, what for? no and no
(94) Which is better: Punk or Prep? Prep with a little bit of punk
(95) What is your worst habit? procrastinating
(96) Do you like jaw breakers? yeah, at the movies! hooray!
(97) What is your bestfriend's name? God, then probably my mom
(98) Would you call yourself independent or dependent? dependant on God, independant other than that. Is that good? I'm still trying to decide.
(99) Do you like gossip? no
(100) What do you buy a lot of? clothes and CD's
(101) Do you have any medical problems? my eyesight isn't the greatest, and I get sick a lot.
(102) Are you listening to anything right now? the copy machine :)
(103) What's the last movie you've watched? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
(104) Who is your favorite friend? God. He's my favorite
(105) Who do you get along with the best? Brad, and my parents, and Jeff sometimes
(106) Have you ever been in a fist fight? with my brothers. They always win
(107) Who would you like to see run for president? Pedro
(108) Did you ever fall asleep in class? yeah
(109) Who would you say you look up to? my mom, and Ms. Mindy, and other godly ladies
(110) A one peice swimsuit or two peice swimsuit?one piece. You don't have to worry about your bottoms falling off, or your top riding up or whatever
(111) Have you ever been in a talent show? I have MC'd a talent show in elementary school
(112) Ever been camping? heck yes
(113) Shorts or jeans? jeans
(114) Double dates or just the two of you? depends
(115) Do you go to camp? yes - been to MYPD
(116) When's the last time your parents spanked you? years ago. I was like 5.
(117) Can you rhyme well?occasionally
(118) Have you ever belonged to a gang? Heck yes, actually. The Eggilton N. Bacon Gang.
(119) Know people who belong to a gang? yeah, Bekka and Heather O.
(120) Do you smoke ciggarettes?EWW no
(121) Indoors or outdoors? depends on what I'm doing
(122) Have you ever gotten beaten up? by my brothers
(123) Do you know how to cook? lol. Ask about the time I tried making instant pudding. Tip: Never use water.
(124) Do you know how to do laundry? yeah
(125) When you get a pizza, how many slices do you eat? between 1 and 3 depending on their size
(126) How much do you weigh? enough
(127) Do you consider yourself too fat/skinny? i'd like to be thinner but it's not something i really agonize over
(128) Do you watch the superbowl? sometimes. I like the commercials
(129) What's your least favorite color? I'm not sure. I like most colors
(130) Have you ever faked being sick? no
(131) Ever done something illegal? i speeded
(132) What's the longest you've stayed up? about noon or so the next day
(133) Are you afraid of dying? nope
(134) What's your biggest regret? Corrie
(135) Ever picked up a hitch hiker? no
(136) Is your name on any bathroom walls? hope not
(137) Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend? no
(138) What annoys you most? when people always want to be the center of attention and always talk about themselves
(139) Fave 'scary' movie? I'm not sure
(140) Fave 'action' movie? I'm not sure
(141) Fave 'romantic' movie? I'm not sure
(142) Do you have an accent? no
(143) Who is your role model? My mom or Ms. Mindy
(144) Do you like surprises? yes
(145) What kind of job would you like to have? missionary or a teacher
(146) Do you like to dance? yeah
(147) Ever took dance? yes
(148) Bold or pastel colors? either
(149) What is your normal Friday night like? hanging out at home with the family, watching a movie or TV, or reading or scrapbooking. Thrilling, I know
(150) What brand do you wear most? OLD NAVY! I love Old Navy
(151) What do you normally watch on TV? not a big fan of TV
(152) Do you have any 'special' talents? I've been told that I am a good story teller.
(153) What's your favorite sport? foot ball. Haven't they already asked that?
(154) What is the craziest thing you've ever done? Walking through Fred Meyers last Saturday night at like 9:45 pm with Kenny, Thomas, Jen, Ashley, Sarah, and Maria dressed like we were from the 1980s. It was awesome
(155) Can you play a musical instrument? clarinet and the kazoo
(156) What star sign are you? Gemini, but I don't really believe in that.
(157) Do you prefer public schools or private? never been to anything but public
(158) Do you care what people think? Not really but sometimes.
(159) Have you ever shot a gun? yes
(160) What are your favorite board games? Clue and Monopoly
(161) What is/was your favorite subject in school? math, but only because i find it very challenging. And I had a GREAT math teacher for the past 3 years
(162) Regular ice or crushed ice? neither
(163) Blue ink or black ink? blue
(164) Are your clothes mostly loose or tight fit? they're comfortable
(165) Have any peircings? my ears
(166) Gold or silver? silver
(167) What kind of shampoo/conditioner do you use? Suave. Currently, Passion Flower
(168) Do you blow dry your hair?a bit
(169) Would you say you're a cuss-a-holic? no
(170) What's the last book you've read? That stupid "Ready or Not" by Meg Cabot - boo
(171) Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera?neither? Is that an option?
(172) Spiderman or Superman? spiderman
(173) Have you ever broken a bone? yup: my nose, my left arm, and I've sprained my left wrist, my ring fingers on both hands, and my thumb, I believe. Or my pointer finger. Or was it my middle finger? I don't remember.
(174) Shower or Bath? shower
(175) Do you have any cavities? not that I know of
(176) Have you ever wore braces? no, but I need them
(177) What do you live in? a house
(178) Would you choose true love or a 100 million dollars? true love
(179) Do you have Cable? nope. We get like 4 channels
(180) Do you play any computer games? yeah, Jeff put some awesome games on the computer that I enjoy immensely
(181) How long did it take you to finish this? A while. why?

Back to the Copy Room

I'm baack! sitting in the beloved copy room at my mother's work as the copy machine runs copy after copy. Only 700 copies left to make. ANd they aren't just copies, but 45 page booklets. You know, the PEAK packets that everyone has to go through about a million times in their life.

But I decided that I really like John Reuben. He sings the song "Nuisance" - go to www.purevolume.com/johnreuben to listen! I'm debating whether or not to buy his newest CD with that song on it. I need a new CD. All of mine that I have now are tiring. I know every song on them by heart. Not that that is bad - AT ALL - but I need a new CD. Thats all. Or perhaps it is more that I WANT one. Either way. Considering I no longer have a job (maybe) I don't know how it will be possible.

Money is one of those things that a person really has a need for. One needs money to buy gas, pay for their car, buy presents for people, tithe, etc. I mean, I couldn't get along without money. No one could. Even the homeless people in New York City that God gave me a heart for need money. There was one guy outside the Subway who let us on and we paid him for it so we wouldn't have to buy our own passes. He needs money just like the people we saw sitting in doorstops and alleyways. Even the big millionaire-moguls need money. Donald Trump doesn't get a hair-do (or rather, hair-don't) like that for free (though he should). He needs money. I mean, don't get me wrong. My whole being doesn't revolve around money. Okay, sometimes it does. But still. Okay, so I know that God can provide everything I need. I don't doubt that often. I'll admit, sometimes I doubt Him, but I'm improving in that category. He's helping me a lot to trust Him.

I was going somewhere with that, but now I don't remember where.

Anyway.

Okay, so I watched the movie White Noise a few weeks ago with a girl from church, Sydni, and it was such a dumb movie. We were freaked out (because it is freaky), but then it got to the end, and we coudn't stop laughing. So this movie, a guy's wife dies and he discovers that he can talk to her. So his dead wife tells him about all these accidents when he can play the hero and save someone's life. So he goes out to all these places and ends up saving a bunch of people. But the entire time, there are these 3 shadow things that are present whenever he talks to his wife. SO then, his wife sends him on another mission, and he gets to this warehouse place. So these three shadow things show up, and there is another guy there, and somehow the three shadows turn out to be demons. ANd they puch the first guy into a huge crater. And he dies. Just like that. It happened, and Sydni and I just busted out laughing. It was soo dumb! We had a really good conversation about the movie, how sad it is that some people actually believe that you can talk to the dead like that. We also agreed that we are VERY glad to know God and that His way is the truth. But that isn't the end of it. Like a two days later, I was at Wal Mart with Sydni, Megan, and Maria and we were stadning in McDonalds and I get this call on my cell-phone. It was all static (no joke) from an un-known number. Then I looked at the date and it said January 4, 1981. I was soo freaked out and all 4 of us were soo scared! So on Wedensday, I told my big brother about it. He took my phone and literally said, "Satan, I command you out of this phone!" He laid his hands on my phone and prayed for it, asking Jesus to enter my phone and kick Satan out. It was really funny, but I know that Satan was trying to freak me out and he did it through my phone. But ever since Brad prayed over my cell-phone, nothing weird has happened. But how weird is it that the devil can use a cell-phone to get to someone?

But how much COOLER is it that God beat the devil with a big stick on calvary?!?!?!?!?

So now, instead of being possesed by the devil, my phone is officially being used by God. How awesome!

I went to a Jeremy Camp concert a fe weeks ago, and today I am wearing a purple shirt that I got there. On the front is says "i heart jesus." And I really like it. Then I found a black stretchy velvet belt and a thrift store. It was a big silver and gold buckle, so I'm wearing that with my levi's and a white hoodie, and my brown shoes because Mom said, "Make sure you wear good socks and shoes beacause you will be on concrete all day." Yesterday I wore my blue slip-ons from China Town, NY. Awesome. They're incredible.

Right, well, thats all I will say for now, but I can almost guarentee that I will write again later today. No joke.

Tiolet Paper News

hm, so I just went to the bathroom (exciting, I know!), and it was painted ALL WHITE. I felt like I had just entered a mental ward or something. Or a hospital where none of the patients come out alive. Anyway. Then there was this poster about how you should wash your hands in warm water, so I turn on the facuet and it is FREEZING COLD. Like, water from the Arctic Ocean cold. So much for getting the germs off of me. Ridiculous.

And now I have the hiccups.

I blame the cold water and the white bathroom.

Fuser Agent 007

Right. Life changes. And sometimes the changes are easy, like shrinking a jean size (I wish), and other times they are REALLY hard, like your best friend deciding she doesn't like you anymore. Whether or not that is the case, I don' t know. Or care right now. I think I do better with no friends than with a lot of friends. I'm really quite solitary. I enjoy being by myself... most of the time.

Like right now. Or today in general. I've been by myself almost all day... except for this morning when Regis and Kelly kept me company while I ate breakfast. Oh and lunch, when Mom took me to Burger King. I shredded papers all morning. And now, I'm sitting in the copy room of my mom's work. All I have to do is restock paper and empty the copies out. Very nice. Granted, I know it is a job a monkey could do, or even a hippo if they had opposable thumbs. But nonetheless, its alright.

So anyway, changes. I determined that my friends are changing. But then I was thinking, and it is possible that THEY are not changing... I am. I'm not sure which. Possibly both. Or maybe, its all a huge conspiracy and no one is changing. Or not. Whatever. I don't want to think about this anymore. All I know is that God is unchanging and I can rest in that.

Pshaw to the rest of the world.

While I was shredding yesterday, there was a little caterpillar that got onto one of the papers. And I didn't know what to do with it. So I shredded it with the papers. I'm not scared of bugs (I'm the official spider killer in Acteens), but it really surprised me. Then I started thinking about what a horrible way that would be to die. Getting cut and shredded and pulled within an inch of your life, and then losing it. Ick. I was studying my Bible last night and I read about how one of Jesus' disciples had a knife ran through him. That would hurt too. I'm not scared of death, either. I'm actually excited. Like, not to die, but to be in heaven. How cool will it be there? It'll be awesome to hear all the stories...but forever is a REALLY long time.

A REALLY long time.

No joke.

Okay, so I have a joke:
Why did the gum cross the street?
Because it was stuck to the chiken's foot!

haha. I love corny jokes. Like the olive joke. Or the Seagull joke.

But this is neither the time, nor the place, for those jokes to be shared.

I really miss my brothers. One is in Iraq, and the other is in Missouri. Or Misery as my family calls it! haha.

Yeah, so now I'm just rambling. Au revoir.

My Best Friend

So I realized at church tonight what I need... God. Like nothing else matters. I think He's been making all this happen with my friends so I can make Him the center. I need reminding that it is all about Him.

Spinnin' Around the Sun...

Okay, so I've said it before...

And I'll say it again. Emotions are horrible.

Like, Friday night, I spent the night at my best friend's house, and I felt left out because she took pictures with two of my other friends. How lame. Then Saturday morning, I kept going on and on about how she broke a pinky-promise.

God's convicted me of not being all about Him, and then today Pastor Tom preched about repentance and leaving marks in this world. Is my evidence here good? I DON'T THINK SO! Seriously, I've been a horible Christian lately. I know it isn't all about me, but often, I still want it to be.

I'm soo petty sometimes! I get jealous over stupid things. I mean, I know God created me, and He doesn't make mistakes. So what is my problem? I keep wishing I could change things about how I look and feel and just ME.

Is that really lame?

aargh.

Intellectuality

Okay, I'm trying to be more intellectual and stuff, but currently the most intellectual think I have is whether or not to wear flip-flops today. Really intelligent, huh? When I went to the Jeremy Camp concert on Friday, God really started to deal with me...whichI need. The concert ROCKED and while I was praising God, He told me some stuff. Its cool. I like thinking that the God who made the mountains and the oceans and the stars, WANTS me. I think that is SUPER cool. I mean, out of everyone on earth, He chooses to use me.

But now, I have to figure out whether or not I'm supposed to go to T3 like I REALLY want to... oh the choices!

HIM... dun dun dun

so i e-mailed him last night, basically telling him that i didn't want to talk to him, then i actually listed off reasons why. but now i have to see him tonight, at the jeremy camp concert and i am totally dreading it. augh. i just really cannot stand to talk to him. not sure why. but its true.

more later.

The Little Mermaid and Other Thoughts

So, I'm not sure why I decided to start this. But I did (obviously).

I just finished watching The Little Mermaid. And I decided something while watching it.
1. Eric (the prince dude) is VERY attractive. I know it's weird to say that about a drawing, but it's true. Why aren't there guys like that in real life? Well, there are, but they are all in North Carolina!
2. Ursula (the evil octopus) is mean. Well, duh. But she justcouldn't handle being beat. Then Eric drives the boat mast through her... and I laughed. It reminded me of the Sabrina episode I watched yesterday.
3. Arial's friends never left her, which is more than I can say of my friends right now...or maybe I'm being stupid again.

Emotions suck. I know God gave them to me and all... but did He have to give me soo many???

Aargh.

So life right now is stupid. And thats all.